Winter McCoy Posted March 11, 2018 Share Posted March 11, 2018 Ok so I admit I am new to this and I don’t mean to offend at all, I’m just confused. If you like sex and have sex frequently, then what is the point of even telling people you are asexual? To me it seems either pointless or a good way to start a fight, e.g “I’m asexual so I’m not sexuality attracted to you, but I’ll have sex with you because I have needs.” And if you’re romantic and in a romantic relationship, and like sex with your partner, then why bother? Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted March 11, 2018 Share Posted March 11, 2018 I personally do not ID as asexual anymore because I desire/enjoy/want certain sexual activities. Before I found the one person that seems to spark that in me (fifth long-term relationship) I ID'd as asexual cause I did not desire any sexual anything in relationships. But, some people find it important to share the label they identify with, even if it does not have any practical changes. Link to post Share on other sites
Philip027 Posted March 11, 2018 Share Posted March 11, 2018 Quote If you like sex and have sex frequently, then what is the point of even telling people you are asexual? There pretty much isn't one, other than trying to appear special snowflakey. Link to post Share on other sites
everywhere and nowhere Posted March 11, 2018 Share Posted March 11, 2018 EVERYONE is a special snowflake. Link to post Share on other sites
Yeast Posted March 11, 2018 Share Posted March 11, 2018 6 minutes ago, Winter McCoy said: If you like sex and have sex frequently, then what is the point of even telling people you are asexual? Ah, this sort of violates the first law of asexuality. Asexuals are characterized by having no sexual attraction to other people. I think it would be hard to like sex if you were not sexually attracted to someone first. This is not to say asexuals don't have sex. However this is usually an asexual in a relationship with a sexual partner. Often the asexual is willing to engage in something they have little interest in just to maintain the relationship. I'm an asexual with a libido. That is to say I'm sexually attracted to myself. I used to wonder if I could be asexual and auto sexual at the same time. It appears I can be. I simply accepted the fact I never wanted sex for decades and thought little about it. AVEN introduced me to the term used to describe me. Sure, I know labels are just labels but I found it comforting. There are other people like me. I've even managed to meet a few. Link to post Share on other sites
Homer Posted March 11, 2018 Share Posted March 11, 2018 11 minutes ago, Winter McCoy said: “I’m asexual so I’m not sexuality attracted to you, but I’ll have sex with you because I have needs.” That's the point right there. An asexual person will not have those needs. They might say "I'm asexual but I might choose to have sex with you to please you or to do you a favour or whatever", but they couldn't give less of a shit if they never had sex again. That doesn't rule out that they'll like it once it happens, but it won't stress them at all, ever, if it doesn't happen. Link to post Share on other sites
Philip027 Posted March 11, 2018 Share Posted March 11, 2018 Quote EVERYONE is a special snowflake. "You are not a unique and beautiful snowflake. You are the same decaying organic matter as everyone else." But yeah, the people who flaunt it (in an inaccurate fashion) are still annoying to those who actually do properly fit in the group. Link to post Share on other sites
everywhere and nowhere Posted March 11, 2018 Share Posted March 11, 2018 I dislike biologism, materialism and denial of the beauty of diversity. Link to post Share on other sites
NickyTannock Posted March 11, 2018 Share Posted March 11, 2018 @Winter McCoy I'm 32 years old. I've never had sex. I've never wanted to have sex. I likely never will want to have sex. I call myself Asexual because it's accurate. Link to post Share on other sites
Philip027 Posted March 11, 2018 Share Posted March 11, 2018 Quote I dislike biologism, materialism and denial of the beauty of diversity. Okay? And I dislike misappropriated labels (seemingly) used for the express purpose of attention whoring. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ Link to post Share on other sites
Galactic Turtle Posted March 11, 2018 Share Posted March 11, 2018 Not sure but if I had a dollar for every time I've seen an ace person feeling "marginalized in their own community" because they love sex... Link to post Share on other sites
dentedcanoe Posted March 11, 2018 Share Posted March 11, 2018 Depends on the crowd. Sometimes I mention it in the hopes that people won't prattle on about their sex lives to me or ask about mine. Link to post Share on other sites
NickyTannock Posted March 11, 2018 Share Posted March 11, 2018 @Galactic Turtle I can't speak for others, but I don't feel marginalised, I feel lonely. I don't think anyone sees me as less important than an allosexual, but sex is something other people are able to enjoy. Link to post Share on other sites
Galactic Turtle Posted March 11, 2018 Share Posted March 11, 2018 1 minute ago, MichaelTannock said: @Galactic Turtle I can't speak for others, but I don't feel marginalised, I feel lonely. I don't think anyone sees me as less important than an allosexual, but sex is something other people are able to enjoy. I was talking about people who ID as ace who also claim to absolutely love sex feeling marginalized within the ace community based on their love of sex. Link to post Share on other sites
Winter McCoy Posted March 11, 2018 Author Share Posted March 11, 2018 37 minutes ago, Homer said: That's the point right there. An asexual person will not have those needs. They might say "I'm asexual but I might choose to have sex with you to please you or to do you a favour or whatever", but they couldn't give less of a shit if they never had sex again. That doesn't rule out that they'll like it once it happens, but it won't stress them at all, ever, if it doesn't happen. Thank you! Thank you all! God this is so comforting! I joined a Facebook group a week ago and all I’ve had are people going “No Asexual means you don’t feel sexual ATTRACTION! I can like sex itself!” Which was confusing to me, upsetting and made me feel even more freakish and isolated. And then when I said “But I thought Asexuals DONT have a desire for sex” I got internet lynched and told I was excluding people from the community and was offensive. Link to post Share on other sites
Winter McCoy Posted March 11, 2018 Author Share Posted March 11, 2018 21 minutes ago, Galactic Turtle said: Not sure but if I had a dollar for every time I've seen an ace person feeling "marginalized in their own community" because they love sex... Again this to me smacks of Special Snowflake or people who enjoy feeling offended. Link to post Share on other sites
Homer Posted March 11, 2018 Share Posted March 11, 2018 Nothing of this is related to the community. Anyone is welcome here, regardless of their orientation I think that a big obstacle for many people is the distinction between experiencing sexual attraction and recognizing sexual attractivity. I can tell whether a person is sexually attractive from an objective POV, but it still won't make me want to have sex with them. Link to post Share on other sites
NickyTannock Posted March 11, 2018 Share Posted March 11, 2018 @Galactic Turtle Sorry for the misunderstanding. Link to post Share on other sites
Winter McCoy Posted March 11, 2018 Author Share Posted March 11, 2018 Think I’m going to quit that Facebook group. Seems a lot of people in it are full of Sugar Honey Ice Tea. Link to post Share on other sites
binary suns Posted March 11, 2018 Share Posted March 11, 2018 10 minutes ago, Winter McCoy said: Thank you! Thank you all! God this is so comforting! I joined a Facebook group a week ago and all I’ve had are people going “No Asexual means you don’t feel sexual ATTRACTION! I can like sex itself!” Which was confusing to me, upsetting and made me feel even more freakish and isolated. And then when I said “But I thought Asexuals DONT have a desire for sex” I got internet lynched and told I was excluding people from the community and was offensive. tell them that desire for sex is sexual attraction lol . just look it up in the dictionary Link to post Share on other sites
Winter McCoy Posted March 11, 2018 Author Share Posted March 11, 2018 48 minutes ago, MichaelTannock said: @Winter McCoy I'm 32 years old. I've never had sex. I've never wanted to have sex. I likely never will want to have sex. I call myself Asexual because it's accurate. Same. To me, THAT is what Asexual is. Link to post Share on other sites
Robin Hood Posted March 11, 2018 Share Posted March 11, 2018 I always wondered if that started due to poor wording? For example, if you are grey ace, but say, once a decade you go through a period of strongly craving and enjoying sex, only to go back to no desire for another very long stretch. So, when they tried to first explain this idea, they meant to say you can be asexual even if you go through rare "burst periods" because that is what being grey ace is? And people talk about going through that, but word it poorly, failing to specify that they are in one of these periods? Or maybe they meant that some grey ace people have sex, even though they don't enjoy it, as a part of their relation ship with their partner. Others feel aesthetic attraction but have no desire to act on it. Others actually enjoy sex, the same way some can masturbate, because their organs aren't actually broken, but feel no sexual desire towards people so they don't have sex with any regularity. But when we talk about these more fringe parts of the asexuality spectrum, we usually combine it into as single concept which most people read as "you can experience all of these at the same time, all the time, and still be ace", rather then "some asexuals experience a slightly different version of asexuality, experience one or two of these situations, and we have labels for them if needed". Basically we accidentally put "and" instead of "or". Which leads to some people misusing or misunderstanding asexuality. I might be completely wrong, but I honestly think it started as a misunderstanding due to a poor explanation, rather then malicious intent. For what it's worth, I'm fully asexual, by every conventional definition, but I also don't really mind if other people use the term or define it differently then I do. I'm also happy to welcome demi, grey ace, litro, abro, etc to the community because a lot of us still face the same problems. Finally, I don't have a problem with sexually active people using the site. I mean, I don't fully understand why they are, but I don't feel like people "misusing" the term or posting here really takes anything away from me. I'm ace, I always have been, and probably always will be. No amount of term appropriation can take that identity from me. Link to post Share on other sites
Galactic Turtle Posted March 11, 2018 Share Posted March 11, 2018 33 minutes ago, Winter McCoy said: Thank you! Thank you all! God this is so comforting! I joined a Facebook group a week ago and all I’ve had are people going “No Asexual means you don’t feel sexual ATTRACTION! I can like sex itself!” Which was confusing to me, upsetting and made me feel even more freakish and isolated. And then when I said “But I thought Asexuals DONT have a desire for sex” I got internet lynched and told I was excluding people from the community and was offensive. I've found that every popular ace Facebook group/page is like this. It didn't bother me until I started seeing published articles with the same rhetoric that was eventually used on me to explain why I should have sex anyway. Not specifically the fault of those individuals but it does leave me feeling icky. At the same time most on those pages say "ace" when they're gray/demi/whatever. More confusion. It's a mess. XD Link to post Share on other sites
Winter McCoy Posted March 11, 2018 Author Share Posted March 11, 2018 It really is. And what’s more than that, is it makes the true aces feel even more isolated and confused. Link to post Share on other sites
binary suns Posted March 11, 2018 Share Posted March 11, 2018 no such thing as true ace. please don't cross that line. Link to post Share on other sites
Alejandrogynous Posted March 11, 2018 Share Posted March 11, 2018 27 minutes ago, Winter McCoy said: Thank you! Thank you all! God this is so comforting! I joined a Facebook group a week ago and all I’ve had are people going “No Asexual means you don’t feel sexual ATTRACTION! I can like sex itself!” Which was confusing to me, upsetting and made me feel even more freakish and isolated. And then when I said “But I thought Asexuals DONT have a desire for sex” I got internet lynched and told I was excluding people from the community and was offensive. I watched this happen this morning on an asexual FB page, somebody said they 'feel attraction but no desire' and everyone ganged up on them saying they weren't asexual because asexuality is ONLY ABOUT ATTRACTION and they should use a different label because 'definitions are important'. Friggin' brilliant. They call me a gatekeeper for saying that's absurd but when THEY say 'it's only about attraction, lots of asexuals love sex and if you feel attraction but not desire that's not the same thing even if you never want sex, you can't be asexual,' that's just because definitions are important. *snorts* I stay away from most asexual FB and Tumblr groups for this reason, it's too ridiculous. Link to post Share on other sites
Latisha Posted March 11, 2018 Share Posted March 11, 2018 I think the point is that people are affected by being asexual, no matter their libido and actual sexual activity. I mean, it does make you feel different, and I can't imagine that changes if you're in a relationship, even a sex positive one. I get that sex positive asexuals around sex repulsed ones can make both feel a little more isolated but.... I can't help but think if the asexual label helps someone understand their own experiences then they should be able to keep it. (I'm personally still mentally working through all the things I used to lump under the label 'sexual attraction' that made me very confused when I realised I was ace and I think conversations like the one OP are talking about are important even if they sometimes seem pointless). Another thought: society seems to like to bash people who don't have or show less interest in sex... so people posting on facebook, a site with lots of sexuals, are more likely to be the group who can enjoy sex. Instead of here at AVEN, where everyone seems to be welcome. Link to post Share on other sites
Winter McCoy Posted March 11, 2018 Author Share Posted March 11, 2018 11 hours ago, float on said: no such thing as true ace. please don't cross that line. Do you mind telling me where the line is then please? And telling me why you’re talking to me like I’m a child? Because I don’t appreciate the attitude. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted March 11, 2018 Share Posted March 11, 2018 2 minutes ago, Winter McCoy said: Do you mind telling me where the line is then please? And telling me why you’re talking to me like I’m a child? Because I don’t appreciate the attitude. There is something called asexual elitism, which is frowned upon on AVEN. Calling people "true" asexuals tends to be considered elitism. This comes from the fact a lot of people consider only "gold star" asexuals "true" asexuals (celibate, virginal, never been abused, etc). And suggesting others are not "true" asexuals can be invalidation, which is against ToS. Link to post Share on other sites
Winter McCoy Posted March 11, 2018 Author Share Posted March 11, 2018 I see. I’ll be honest, I just find it odd and a bit offensive. I don’t think I’m better than people who have sex, I’m not disgusted by it and I sure as hell don’t think I’m the next stage in evolution (humankind would be doomed!) but, to me, not being interested in sex is what makes you Asexual. For example, a woman who calls herself a lesbian but only has sex with men and enjoys sex with men is, to my mind, not a lesbian. I think you can be asexual and not be a virgin, same way you can be gay but have had a relationship with the opposite sex at some point in your past. You can also be asexual and have sex just because your partner wants to and you lovd them and don’t loathe it so you do it to please them. To me, it’s almost like appropriation or something when someone who is enthusiastically shagging rings round them calls themselves asexual, and I can see how those who have come to the realisation that they are asexual after years of struggle and social stigma because they don’t like/avoid sex can feel put out and excluded again. Anyway, that’s just my opinion and people can take it leave it. Link to post Share on other sites
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