Can someone be romantically attracted to one gender but sexually attrated to another?

[Donatsu]

After a years of mulling this over I am currently at the conclusion that I'm romantically attracted to men but only sexually attracted to women. I have only been interested in dating men and only found sexual interest in women; I am open to the idea of finding romantic appeal in women or sexual interest in men but neither has happened yet at all. If anyone else in this forum experiences something similar it would be nice to know I'm not the only one :) 

[AnneBonny159]

I'm starting to think I might be a biromantic lesbian. I know I'm romantically attracted to people of any gender, and I know I'm not really sexually attracted to men at all (I'm grey/demisexual so there are some very rare circumstances where there are exceptions I guess, but generally, I don't think I'm sexually attracted to men). But recently I've been thinking that I'm not opposed to trying sex with women. I'm still ace, but I guess I'm more sex-positive about the idea of sex with women, whereas I'm indifferent/repulsed when it comes to men.

So it's not exactly diametrically opposed, but it's still pretty damn confusing - especially because I thought I was straight for the first 22 years of my life, it's only in the last 6 months I've had this "oh maybe I'm gay?" revelation... 

[LonelyandConfused]

On 3/11/2018 at 1:09 AM, Philip027 said:

Yes, it happens.  Whether it's "controversial" or not does not erase people's experiences.

 

Willing to bet that many of the people in this boat aren't even aware of it, due to society not really presenting romantic orientation as a thing.

 

Depends.  Some people wouldn't be comfortable with calling themselves "bi" if they wouldn't actually want to carry out a romantic relationship with one of the sexes.  Makes perfect sense to me, anyway.

 

That isn't what you said, though.  You never mentioned rape, for one thing, and people who have mismatched sexual orientations having sex together with one of those people not yet realizing what their orientation actually is, IS a thing that actually happens.  It isn't necessarily rape or anything with malicious intent.

 

It's unfortunate what happened in your case and all, but when you don't communicate clearly, don't be surprised when you get misunderstood.  That isn't the other person's fault.

 

It's weird to see others say such a thing isn't possible, but I understand it given that I guess it's "rare". Putting such a thing in words really puts things into perspective. How would I describe it... being as I feel like im one of these so-called people, I would summarize my feelings as I am sexually attracted to men and emotionally connect way better with women. I feel as though men and myself are just never on the same wavelength, which affects my relationship with them, and at the same time, while I connect with women on a way deeper level, I honestly don't know that I could ever sexually be with a woman. The idea seems so foreign to me. I am 100% confident that I don't 100% go with either, which is why I guess people refer to it as being asexual. Thinking about that honestly helps me understand why I cant seem to find someone that fits me, but also kind of depressed because Im not sure I ever really will. Not everyone finds their "person" you know.

Edited November 19, 2019 by LonelyandConfused

[mrslb]

Everyone on here is saying that this is rare and that is exactly what I was afraid of? It is making me feel more confused. I am a woman who is sexually and romantically attracted to woman but I am also romantically attracted to men. What would that make me? Am I strange? I just don’t really want to have sex with men at all.

[Guest]

I actually have this, I am sexually attracted to men and I never realized this was a thing. Like I would never date a boy just because I don’t like their personality’s. But I sorta started excepting myself and tried to find out what I was. And now I’m here, but it makes me feel glad that people actually care about me. Also I found out what it was, (at least I think) but I’m 80% sure that I’m queer because it’s for anything unusual, like this. But correct me if I’m wrong.

[Guest]

On 2/9/2020 at 8:47 PM, mrslb said:

Everyone on here is saying that this is rare and that is exactly what I was afraid of? It is making me feel more confused. I am a woman who is sexually and romantically attracted to woman but I am also romantically attracted to men. What would that make me? Am I strange? I just don’t really want to have sex with men at all.

No, it’s saying that you like one gender for their personality, and the other you don’t like their personality but just are sexually attracted to them. :) that’s basically just being bi but sorta not excepting it. But if you wanted to go deep into it you could call it queer, which is what this is. 

[Guest]

On 11/2/2019 at 6:53 AM, Donatsu said:

After a years of mulling this over I am currently at the conclusion that I'm romantically attracted to men but only sexually attracted to women. I have only been interested in dating men and only found sexual interest in women; I am open to the idea of finding romantic appeal in women or sexual interest in men but neither has happened yet at all. If anyone else in this forum experiences something similar it would be nice to know I'm not the only one :) 

I’m here too :) try your best in life. Like I remember people assuming I wad gay and boys trying to make me look at their parts, and I would always try so hard not to! I know that sounds like super creep, but I’m sure you have cases like this.

[DogObsessedLi]

In theory any romantic orientation can be alongside any sexual orientation. I actually know someone who is homoromantic heterosexual. In her case she prioritises the homoromantic aspect.

[Dreamer23]

I'd imagine the "rare" one people have been talking about is if they are at opposite ends (e.g. heteroromantic homosexual or vice versa)

Since both sexual as well as romantic attractions are on a scale (labels like hetero-, homo-, or bi- are just helpers for us to try pinpointing someone to an area of that scale), I can't imagine it's not that rare for them to differ a little.

That could easily push someone into a bi + hereo/homo identification.

 

While I suspect that romantic and sexual attraction are usually closer together than other ones (though that's just an assumption; as an ace it might be harder for me to correctly predict this though), I'd e.g. consider myself hetero-romantic but when it comes to aesthetic attraction am certainly closer to the middle (you could call it "bi" if you wanted to put a label on it)

 

Can't imagine any of this is overly rare - and even if it is, we are all unique people, so who cares?!

We are who we are, and whether your situation is typical or not, you should embrace it!!!

[Dreamer23]

17 minutes ago, CBC said:

Generally though, 'attraction' is taken to mean something non-platonic. If you don't feel romantic and/or sexual interest in someone based on their aesthetics, that's kind of just like admiring a sunset or a painting. I don't consider acknowledging that someone is good-looking to be attraction unless I feel romantic/sexual desire as a result.

Well, then you'd for example disagree with Aven's definition of attraction 

That'd also mean aros couldn't experience attraction at all based on that definition - which I think a lot of aros on this forum would disagree with you on! 😮

[Expedition]

1 minute ago, Dreamer23 said:

That'd also mean aros couldn't experience attraction at all based on that definition - which I think a lot of aros on this forum would disagree with you on!

What does aromantic mean if it doesn't mean 'not romantically attracted to anyone'?

[Dreamer23]

4 minutes ago, Expedition said:

What does aromantic mean if it doesn't mean 'not romantically attracted to anyone'?

That's my point - not romantically attracted doesn't mean not attracted!  (though obviously as per CBC's post, opinions on that seem to differ! :D)

[Expedition]

I honestly doubt there are more than vanishingly tiny numbers of people who never have any romantic attraction to any of their sexual partners, or always want sex with no romantic attraction. Most sexuals will have had times when they'd prefer sex without emotional complications, but it's not a structural part of their personality, more something contingent which suits them at the time. I'd go so far as to say wanting sex with never any emotional connection whatsoever would imply they're simply using their partner to get off, which sounds psychopathological to me.

[Dreamer23]

2 minutes ago, CBC said:

Attraction is non-platonic, otherwise I'm attracted to coffee and trees and baby animals and Turner paintings and my grandmother and French horns and stained glass windows in churches and literally everyone I've ever been friends with. If I start going around saying I'm attracted to all those things, people are going to think I have inappropriate relationships with family members, want to bang all my friends, and identify as objectum sexual (actual sexual attraction to inanimate objects) or have fetishes involving those things.

Well, on that account you don't disagree with Aven's definition then, which calls out people 😃

http://wiki.asexuality.org/Attraction

[Expedition]

It's the split-attraction model, which only ever seems to apply to asexuals when it comes down to it.

[Philip027]

My take on it is that there's only just attraction, and it's just the things we want as a result of it that differ from person to person.

 

It's pretty much the whole reason why the split attraction model exists -- aces (that are still romantic) wanted a way to convey "hey, we can still like people."  Which, you know, I can get behind that, because I fall in that category and I myself struggled a bit with the thought that maybe I couldn't "like" anyone (I didn't struggle that much, because my introversion/loner tendencies usually won out, but the thought was still there to some degree)

 

But around here, much like sexuality in general, attraction has also been subdivided a liiiiiittle too much for its own good.

[Expedition]

2 minutes ago, Philip027 said:

It's pretty much the whole reason why the split attraction model exists -- aces (that are still romantic) wanted a way to convey "hey, we can still like people"

Why does that have to involve trying to make everyone redefine the entire structure of the concept of 'attraction' though with the unending unanswerable questions it creates? Why not stick with 'yes, we're attracted to people, we just see no need to have sex because of it'.  

[Philip027]

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Why does that have to involve trying to make everyone redefine the entire structure of the concept of 'attraction' though with the unending unanswerable questions it creates? Why not stick with 'yes, we're attracted to people, we just see no need to have sex because of it'.  

Because you have sexual people responding to that with "then it's not attraction"

[Philip027]

I've definitely seen (presumably sexual) people treating aces as if they were soulless robots incapable of loving anyone solely because they didn't want sex.  Obviously they don't all do that; people like yourself are more informed, and you have had personal experience on the matter with your time here and past relationship.

 

Granted, because the subject doesn't come up very often in Real Life, it's mostly been through the form of online comment sections.  Which are obviously known for being cesspools of stupid people with stupid opinions, and a number of them might even just be trolls looking to provoke a response and don't actually believe what they say, but it doesn't change the fact that there's real people out there holding those opinions (that maybe might be more reserved about speaking those opinions out loud than they are online)

[Expedition]

10 minutes ago, Philip027 said:

Because you have sexual people responding to that with "then it's not attraction"

But that can be explained without the insistence that more or less everybody has several independent ways of feeling attraction. It goes against so much experience and the everyday usage of the word 'attraction', and generally adds to the overall snowflake perception. And it's just... overcomplicated and I think can give the illusion that since asexuals can explain something in a relationship, it'll somehow make it okay with their partner.

[Arael]

On 3/10/2018 at 11:07 PM, Astatine said:

I was just wondering: since romantic attraction and sexual attraction are different things so that an asexual can be romantically attracted to someone even though feels no sexual attraction, is it possible one person be romantically attracted to one gender but sexual attracted to another? For example, a man being sexually attracted to other males but romantically attracted to females.

It is possible and not that rare. I actually have a friend and she is sexually atracted to guys but feels romantic attraction towards girls.

 

[Expedition]

4 minutes ago, Philip027 said:

I've definitely seen (presumably sexual) people treating aces as if they were soulless robots incapable of loving anyone solely because they didn't want sex. 

Yep, that's wrong - but since about half of asexuals are also aromantic but many somehow seem to want relationships anyway, but without anything like hugs/kissing/touching, and their most effusive outbursts involve drawing a comic for their partner (I'm caricaturing somewhat), it can seem pretty robotic when your own calibration goes up to rampant wild sex.

[Philip027]

Quote

But that can be explained without the insistence that more or less everybody has several independent ways of feeling attraction. It goes against so much experience and the everyday usage of the word 'attraction', and generally adds to the overall snowflake perception. And it's just... overcomplicated and I think can give the illusion that since asexuals can explain something in a relationship, it'll somehow make it okay with their partner.

By all means, then, give us your superior explanation.

[Expedition]

Just now, Philip027 said:

By all means, then, give us your superior explanation.

'I'm attracted to people but I have no inclination to have sex with them'.

'That's not attraction'

'Well, who knows, it's all subjective. Feels like it to me. Just doesn't include sex.'

 

This seems simpler to me that insisting there are at least four kind of attraction, sausage sliced in a way that only seems to resonate with asexuals.

[Philip027]

So your approach is basically "Well, that's just, like, your opinion, maaaaan"

 

I mean, I can get behind that, particularly when it comes to stupid or particularly closed-minded people (let's face it, they usually just aren't worth more effort than that), but I don't really think "because I feel like it is" will suffice as an explanation for why what romantic aces experience is something they would still call attraction.

[DogObsessedLi]

6 hours ago, CBC said:

Just curious, does she not have sex then? How does she handle that situation?

We're not slaves to our attractions, we can choose what's best for our situation. Attraction doesn't automatically equal action just as action doesn't equate directly to attraction. 

[DogObsessedLi]

On 2/10/2020 at 4:47 AM, mrslb said:

Everyone on here is saying that this is rare and that is exactly what I was afraid of? It is making me feel more confused. I am a woman who is sexually and romantically attracted to woman but I am also romantically attracted to men. What would that make me? Am I strange? I just don’t really want to have sex with men at all.

Biromantic homosexual will be the term that you are looking for. I actually believe that this isn't rare, esp having one of the attractions bi and the other mono. However, most would just say bi or hetero/homo depending on their emphasis (straight people can emphasise one attraction over the other and will just dictate how they then approach relationships practically rather than affecting their orientation).

[addi]

Yup! I like guys and girls but I only like girls romantically. I'd kiss a girl, date a girl, move in with her, spend the rest of my life with her, I'm just not gonna be sexually attracted to her

[Hypnotic]

I'm not sure about this because I think that a lot of people who turn out to be gay also go through a period of believing that they are only sexually attracted and not romantically to the same gender as a form of internalised homophobia.  It goes like this 'oh it's fine I only really want to have sex with these people but I don't actually want an actual relationship, I'm not really gay'  I certainly went through it, it's very common amongst gay/bi people because our media/society teaches us that homosexuality is bad therefore people just focus on the sexual feelings which are stronger than the romantic feelings.  I'm not saying that you aren't correct just something to consider.

[Skycaptain]

In the book The Sex Myth by Rachel Hills (a journalist and the book is based on interviews and correspondence with a limited number of people, not an academic research paper) the author refers to at least one homoromantic male who is heterosexual. They tried both, but found sex with a male did nothing for them, whilst never feeling romantic attraction to females