Can someone be romantically attracted to one gender but sexually attrated to another?

[Evil]

36 minutes ago, Philip027 said:

another person getting snippy

Feel free to point out where I got snippy or 'chippy'. Did you see me run around forums crying? no. Did you see me continue the discussion? no. Have I made any complaint? no. If you want to make some personal attack on me go ahead.

 

 

 

 

[Evil]

51 minutes ago, Philip027 said:

As far as I'm concerned, I *am* showing compassion; it's just maybe not toward the person you'd like.  Bad shit happening to you does not give you a free pass to take it out on everyone else.

I have never taken my past out on anyone, I was asked a question by @TheAP and I answered it. 

[Chimeric]

1 hour ago, Philip027 said:

No, they really don't.  Otherwise we wouldn't get the sort of inaccurate remarks I was just mentioning (like how we can't be interested in anybody if we're asexual, or how relationships aren't "for real" if they don't involve sex, etc etc) directed at us on a regular basis.

From Merriam-Webster:

 

Bisexual:

b. Of, relating to, or characterized by sexual or romantic attraction to members of both sexes

 

 

It's in there, my dude. People get it. There may need to be a little extra explanation about the sex bit, but society understands the difference between romantic and sexual attraction, and "bisexual" is a perfectly acceptable term for someone in this situation to use.

 

But no it's fine, we can continue our erasure of bisexuality. We've already been told we aren't a "real" orientation for decades, what's a few decades more, hey?

[Philip027]

59 minutes ago, Evil said:

Feel free to point out where I got snippy or 'chippy'. Did you see me run around forums crying? no. Did you see me continue the discussion? no. Have I made any complaint? no. If you want to make some personal attack on me go ahead.

I just sat here and told you my mother, a lesbian, was raped by a man because he decided that the word 'lesbian' means nothing and this is your reply?

 

You're very clearly speaking in an admonishing tone for, from your point of view, a rude reply.  I happened to think that tone was uncalled for, particularly since you're blaming AP for not recognizing things you never stated (and I wouldn't have recognized either, had you been speaking to me)

 

Quote

 

From Merriam-Webster:

 

Bisexual:

b. Of, relating to, or characterized by sexual or romantic attraction to members of both sexes

 

 

It's in there, my dude. People get it.

 

Sorry, but that being in a dictionary doesn't mean people "get it".  Lots of things are in a dictionary that people generally don't get.

 

In a sad bit of irony, dictionaries are made for the people least likely to refer to them.

 

Oh, another thing I should point out, biromantic (and pretty much every other -romantic variant) is a term that probably came about in asexual circles because we wanted a term that means "hey, I like X people, but I don't necessarily want to bang them, so please stop assuming that I do"

 

And unfortunately, when you try to use -sexual terms to conflate both sexual and romantic attractions together, that's the sort of misinterpretations that will occur.  That is why asexual circles tend to separate the sexual/romantic attractions.  The way I see it, Merriam-Webster needs to get with the times.

 

Quote

There may need to be a little extra explanation about the sex bit, but society understands the difference between romantic and sexual attraction,

We're going to have to agree to disagree on this one.  My overwhelming experience has been that they do not, and I think if you happened to take a little look around this forum you'd realize mine isn't a unique case scenario.  I think that not only do they tend not to recognize the difference, a lot of the time, to them there IS no difference.

 

In my opinion, since you claim you're not even asexual to begin with, I happen to think you're already at a disadvantage when it comes to being able to understand something like this and seeing the kind of invalidating statements levied against us on a regular basis, because they aren't even directed at you to begin with, so you probably don't even notice.

 

Quote

But no it's fine, we can continue our erasure of bisexuality. We've already been told we aren't a "real" orientation for decades, what's a few decades more, hey?

I have no clue what you're launching into this tirade about bisexuality for.  I never said anything about it not being real.

[Chimeric]

7 minutes ago, Philip027 said:

In my opinion, since you claim you're not even asexual to begin with, I happen to think you're already at a disadvantage when it comes to being able to understand something like this and seeing the kind of invalidating statements levied against us on a regular basis, because they aren't even directed at you to begin with, so you probably don't even notice.

I am a bisexual, allosexual woman with a very low sex drive. The expectation in my previous relationship was that I should have sex, I should have it often, and I should have it with multiple people at the same time. I'm not asexual, I don't understand the exact ace perspective, and I would not pretend that I do, but I do understand what it's like to be in a situation where sex that I don't want to give is expected of me. And in terms of the bisexual component, I explain what I explained on the first part of this post, and that gets the point across just fine.

 

14 minutes ago, Philip027 said:

I have no clue what you're launching into this tirade about bisexuality for.  I never said anything about it not being real.

No, just that the definition is wrong.

[Philip027]

Quote

No, just that the definition is wrong.

Please forgive me for thinking that only finding one gender sexually attractive might not fall into one's definition for bisexuality.

[mistfallen]

I believe so. Although I’ve never had sex with a girl, I find the idea of it FAR better than sex with a guy. My boyfriend is sexual and we’ve done some stuff, but I’m pretty neutral to it- I’d rather stick to kissing or something else but it makes him happy so I don’t have any problems with it. I am definitely very attracted to him, aesthetically and romantically, but I can’t help but think sometimes that if I were in a relationship with a girl I’d be more open to the sex stuff. It’s really very confusing. 

[Haze.]

I have a friend who has a friend who is a homoromantic bisexual. It was hard for him to figure out why he wasn’t romantically attracted to women because he was used to sexual and romantic attraction going hand in hand. It’s rare but not unheard of. Although I don’t know anyone whose orientations don’t overlap at all (e.g., homoromantic heterosexual), I’m sure it has happened. Human sexuality is very complex.

[Chimeric]

23 hours ago, Philip027 said:

Please forgive me for thinking that only finding one gender sexually attractive might not fall into one's definition for bisexuality.

Right, that's only half of the definition. The other half is romantic attraction. Being sexually attracted to one sex and romantically attracted to the other is in fact attraction to two sexes.

[Philip027]

If it isn't *sexual* attraction to two sexes/genders, as far as I'm concerned it isn't bi*sexual*.  To me that just makes sense.  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

 

I always knew I liked the opposite sex better than my own, but I've never wanted to have sex with them.  Attempting to call myself "heterosexual" would have felt like a lie, and therefore I never have (even well before I learned about asexuality and romantic orientations).  It's just inaccurate and misleading.  I see things as no different with bisexuality.

 

I mean, you can be sneaky about it and call yourself "bi" if you want without it necessarily being wrong, but I would still hope you'd be forthwith enough to inform a *romantic* partner (one that might nevertheless be expecting a normal *sexual* relationship) that you don't necessarily find them sexually attractive, and whatever that entails for you.

[Guest]

On 12/03/2018 at 12:02 AM, Chimeric said:

I agree with this. 

 

Not to mention, it seems so odd to me that of all the communities out there, it's the ace community that gets so hung up on categorizing specifically what body type they would screw. Anywhere outside of this community, lesbian means only female partners (romantic or otherwise), gay means only male partners (romantic or otherwise) and bi means either (again... Romantic or otherwise). Having sex with one sex and loving another is still being bi, we have a word for that already. And dissecting it down into romantic versus sexual attraction muddies the water and dilutes the meaning of words that already exist. There is such a thing as overlabelling. 

Hmmm, I actually think I might be in disagreement with you Chimeric, that would be a first so far!

 

Anyway, let me explain I remember one specific time when an asexual here had been identifying as 'lesbian' because she was romantically attracted to women. She was in an online lesbian forum and a whole group of them ganged up on her saying she's not a lesbian if she doesn't want sex with other women and actually she's just conning women on that forum if she's there identifying as single because anyone who wants to consider a relationship with her would automatically think sex is a part of that. She had screensnaps of all their comments and it was pretty intense!! Also,while I was identifying as ace and was single for a year or so I made an OKCupid profile I got a LOT of messages from people telling me 'it only counts if you want sex' 'if you don't want sex you can't feel love' 'you can't try to date if you don't  want sex' all sorts of stuff along those lines. So what I'm getting at is that for many sexual people, it seems that just being able to be romantically attracted to people doesn't 'count' and some even view it as trickery if say, you identify as heterosexual (or whatever) but don't want sex with anyone. I think quite a lot of asexuals have experienced this when trying to work out how to 'label' themselves properly. To a lot of people, it's technically not hetero, homo, bi, or pansexual unless there is a sexual component, regardless of your romantic feelings!

 

Now, something else I remember here was a girl who made a thread asking if she was asexual or heterosexual or what. She was suuuuper confused because she ONLY desired and enjoyed sex with men (but was not emotionally attracted to them), but would fall in love with women while having no desire to have sex with them. She was describing it as 'asexual and romantic for women, but very sexual and aromantic for men'. She was uncomfortable with the idea of identifying as bisexual because she was worried about people interpreting that as her wanting sex with women as well as men, whereas she actually just couldn't force herself to want it enjoy sex with women no matter how in love she was. I can understand why this would be super confusing for her and she was pretty upset, but I personally can see why she maybe didn't want to ID as bi, not because of any kind of erasure of the bisexual experience but because to her (like the women in the lesbian forum) the term 'bisexual' implied she would want sex with both genders. The 'sexual' part has to imply that some kind of sexual component is present (to a lot of people, not everyone). But anyway she knew she was heterosexual, because she only wanted sex with men, but she was also homoromantic to women. I personally don't see what would be wrong with someone like her identifying as 'heterosexual but homoromantic' if that's what makes her comfortable because that's literally what she was. She could also ID as bisexual if she wanted, but she'd need to explain every time she says 'I'm bisexual' that she doesn't want sex with women, she only loves them, and she'd possibly experience the same kind of backlash as a result of that as the lesbian asexual girl I mentioned before!

 

Anyway, what I'm getting at is that I do know it's possible for someone to want sex with one gender and only experience romantic feelings for the other gender (but no sexual desire) and I understand why they may be reluctant to ID as bisexual given the backlash one can experience from 'purists' (is that the right word?) who claim that if you don't want sex then it doesn't count. 

 

I can definitely see why it would be a confusing situation to be in and I don't think there's any one ultimate answer. I can see why someone (ie yourself) would want to call that bi, but I can also definitely see it from the other side of the fence as well - I don't think I'd want to call myself bisexual if I was in that situation because to me, I'd be heterosexual (desiring sex with men) but homoromamtic (romantic towards women, but with no sexual desire involved).

 

Anyway, I can see a bit of an argument developed and wanted to try to bring some balance to it with this comment. Certainly not intending any bisexual erasure though!! 

[Philip027]

^ ding ding ding.  Pan gets it.

[scottp334]

Not feeling attractions to either.  I don't like being pleasured but I like others to be pleasured.  I have no feelings about if it's male or female and I'll do whatever either wants to pleasure them.  I've lived with this my entire life and was always thought of as being weird, gay or bi.  But I don't get pleasure from pleasuring others but i feel good when others enjoy it,  Doesn't mean there has to be affection, hugging or kissing or even feelings.  It's just giving someone pleasure.  To me it's like if someone likes ice cream, you give them ice cream, no big deal and doesn't mean anything..

[Solovei]

8 minutes ago, scottp334 said:

Not feeling attractions to either.  I don't like being pleasured but I like others to be pleasured.  I have no feelings about if it's male or female and I'll do whatever either wants to pleasure them.  I've lived with this my entire life and was always thought of as being weird, gay or bi.  But I don't get pleasure from pleasuring others but i feel good when others enjoy it,  Doesn't mean there has to be affection, hugging or kissing or even feelings.  It's just giving someone pleasure.  To me it's like if someone likes ice cream, you give them ice cream, no big deal and doesn't mean anything..

Yeah but why would I be giving icecream (among other things ;)) to random strangers I feel nothing for? What am I, the dairy queen or something

[ryn2]

On 3/11/2018 at 12:40 PM, Philip027 said:

We're going to have to agree to disagree on this one.  My overwhelming experience has been that they do not, and I think if you happened to take a little look around this forum you'd realize mine isn't a unique case scenario.  I think that not only do they tend not to recognize the difference, a lot of the time, to them there IS no difference.

This has been my experience as well.  Too many people I know irl still think biromantic = bisexual = poly.

[Salmiakki]

.

[Gok]

If my partner was like that; it'd piss me off. 

[James121]

I don’t believe this is possible.

[Dragonmiku23DragonMiku23]

On 3/10/2018 at 11:40 PM, tgif said:

he's romantically attracted to girls but sexually attracted to guys (and girls-but the point is his romantic orientation is different than his sexual one)

What would you call it if it was the opposite?

[Lara Black]

It does happen, and it has been documented in counseling history for a very long time. As with many other things, it used to be considered a result of some messed-up upbringing. Now… well, who knows?

Some authors actually claim that it’s underreported because people would rather force themselves to have sex and relationships with the gender they’re “supposed to” than try to untangle their complex attraction. So it might not even be something that rare.

[arani86]

I personally know two people who are romantically attracted to women but sexually attracted to men. One of them is Demi/Pansexual but homoromantic, the other is heterosexual but homo-romantic. Both also consider themselves on the ace spec. 

[secrethamster]

Romantic attraction is one of the results of "pair-bonding," which is basically just two individuals [of any species] becoming attached through proximity and time spent together. It happens between parents and children as well as adults.  Because the pair-bonding process can happen outside of a sexual context, it is possible for sexual and romantic orientations to differ.

 

It is much more common for them to align because sexual attraction increases the desire for that proximity and togetherness mentioned above. But sexual attraction is not a requirement or the only way for these things to take place.

[haw yee]

im sexually attracted to girls but romantically attracted to guys but im not sure what it’s called.

 

[maybeimamazed]

I’ll be honest here.

 

In my very humble opinion, the split model of attraction is only useful for people to better understand themselves and to convey their desires to their partners.

 

But as far as coming out to society at large, it should not exist. Heteroromantic aces should identify as heterosexual if their family (for example) asks them about it. Because what they want to know is if you’re gonna have a relationship with a man, a woman or if you’re open to both. What you do behind closed doors doesn’t enter the equation.

 

TL;DR: by all means claim a separate romantic orientation to ease how confusing this all can be and to clarify to a potential partner what they’re getting into. But beware of how - when you turn it into a “public coming out” - you, as a person who’s only interested in romantic relationships with the opposite gender, are trivializing the experiences of people who are actually, visibly different from an external perspective.

[QueerAroAce]

On 3/12/2018 at 10:52 PM, Pan Ficto. (on hiatus?) said:

Hmmm, I actually think I might be in disagreement with you Chimeric, that would be a first so far!

 

Anyway, let me explain I remember one specific time when an asexual here had been identifying as 'lesbian' because she was romantically attracted to women. She was in an online lesbian forum and a whole group of them ganged up on her saying she's not a lesbian if she doesn't want sex with other women and actually she's just conning women on that forum if she's there identifying as single because anyone who wants to consider a relationship with her would automatically think sex is a part of that. She had screensnaps of all their comments and it was pretty intense!! Also,while I was identifying as ace and was single for a year or so I made an OKCupid profile I got a LOT of messages from people telling me 'it only counts if you want sex' 'if you don't want sex you can't feel love' 'you can't try to date if you don't  want sex' all sorts of stuff along those lines. So what I'm getting at is that for many sexual people, it seems that just being able to be romantically attracted to people doesn't 'count' and some even view it as trickery if say, you identify as heterosexual (or whatever) but don't want sex with anyone. I think quite a lot of asexuals have experienced this when trying to work out how to 'label' themselves properly. To a lot of people, it's technically not hetero, homo, bi, or pansexual unless there is a sexual component, regardless of your romantic feelings!

 

Now, something else I remember here was a girl who made a thread asking if she was asexual or heterosexual or what. She was suuuuper confused because she ONLY desired and enjoyed sex with men (but was not emotionally attracted to them), but would fall in love with women while having no desire to have sex with them. She was describing it as 'asexual and romantic for women, but very sexual and aromantic for men'. She was uncomfortable with the idea of identifying as bisexual because she was worried about people interpreting that as her wanting sex with women as well as men, whereas she actually just couldn't force herself to want it enjoy sex with women no matter how in love she was. I can understand why this would be super confusing for her and she was pretty upset, but I personally can see why she maybe didn't want to ID as bi, not because of any kind of erasure of the bisexual experience but because to her (like the women in the lesbian forum) the term 'bisexual' implied she would want sex with both genders. The 'sexual' part has to imply that some kind of sexual component is present (to a lot of people, not everyone). But anyway she knew she was heterosexual, because she only wanted sex with men, but she was also homoromantic to women. I personally don't see what would be wrong with someone like her identifying as 'heterosexual but homoromantic' if that's what makes her comfortable because that's literally what she was. She could also ID as bisexual if she wanted, but she'd need to explain every time she says 'I'm bisexual' that she doesn't want sex with women, she only loves them, and she'd possibly experience the same kind of backlash as a result of that as the lesbian asexual girl I mentioned before!

 

Anyway, what I'm getting at is that I do know it's possible for someone to want sex with one gender and only experience romantic feelings for the other gender (but no sexual desire) and I understand why they may be reluctant to ID as bisexual given the backlash one can experience from 'purists' (is that the right word?) who claim that if you don't want sex then it doesn't count. 

 

I can definitely see why it would be a confusing situation to be in and I don't think there's any one ultimate answer. I can see why someone (ie yourself) would want to call that bi, but I can also definitely see it from the other side of the fence as well - I don't think I'd want to call myself bisexual if I was in that situation because to me, I'd be heterosexual (desiring sex with men) but homoromamtic (romantic towards women, but with no sexual desire involved).

 

Anyway, I can see a bit of an argument developed and wanted to try to bring some balance to it with this comment. Certainly not intending any bisexual erasure though!! 

I know it's been a year but I just have to say thank you for clearly that up

I've heard of people like that before and was lost for what they meant exactly.

[Drippy]

So basically I'm for sure that I'm attracted to one gender but not sure about the other 

[Ashley McKaller]

I need help. I date guys and am romantically attracted to them but i am also sexually attracted to girls. Ive never had sex with a woman before, in fact i've only done sexual things with men. The thing is that having sex with a woman is such a fantasy of mine that it doubts my sexuality

 

[Homer]

12 hours ago, Ashley McKaller said:

I need help. I date guys and am romantically attracted to them but i am also sexually attracted to girls. Ive never had sex with a woman before, in fact i've only done sexual things with men. The thing is that having sex with a woman is such a fantasy of mine that it doubts my sexuality

Would just not putting a "label" on your sexuality help?

[maybeimamazed]

On 8/31/2019 at 5:42 AM, Ashley McKaller said:

I need help. I date guys and am romantically attracted to them but i am also sexually attracted to girls. Ive never had sex with a woman before, in fact i've only done sexual things with men. The thing is that having sex with a woman is such a fantasy of mine that it doubts my sexuality

 

 

What's wrong with identifying as bisexual?

[idkwmoi]

I spent some time wondering if this was me. I despise sex with women, but don't mind it with men. I'd still rather watch paint dry though. I'm also much more romantically attracted to women than men, so I typically only date women, then watch the relationship crumble over a lack of sex.