Can someone be romantically attracted to one gender but sexually attrated to another?

[Astatine]

I was just wondering: since romantic attraction and sexual attraction are different things so that an asexual can be romantically attracted to someone even though feels no sexual attraction, is it possible one person be romantically attracted to one gender but sexual attracted to another? For example, a man being sexually attracted to other males but romantically attracted to females.

[Lichley]

There’s are some people who experience this, but it’s quite rare. 

[Astatine]

1 minute ago, Lichley said:

There’s are some people who experience this, but it’s quite rare.

Yeah, I figured. I wonder how do they cope with that.

[Lichley]

Just now, Astatine said:

Yeah, I figured. I wonder how do they cope with that.

They probably date the person that they’re romantically attracted to, and either make agreements with their partner to have intercourse with other regularly to satisfy their needs, or go celibate. 

[RK800]

It is uncommon but possible.

[Chimeric]

(Drinking game: take a shot for every time Chimeric uses the word "attract-" in this post. Good luck!)

 

Definitely possible. =)

 

I find women in general far more aesthetically attractive than I do men (although save for my current partner, I've not been explicitly attracted to anyone), although I have trouble connecting with women on a level that allows me to feel romantically attracted to them. Indeed, all of my romantic attractions thus far in my life have been exclusively towards men.

 

There's no coping needed, on my part.  Aesthetic attraction has no bearing on my ability to maintain a relationship with someone. It's not like I'm tempted to stray just based on looks alone, and even then, the "attraction" bit has never been crazy overwhelming.

 

The current relationship I'm in is the first time that I've felt serious physical attraction, and it also happens to be a man to whom I'm seriously romantically attracted, so that works out nicely. 

[tgif]

I have a friend who's heteroromantic and bisexual.

[Evil]

Bisexuals can.

[Chimeric]

4 minutes ago, tgif said:

I have a friend who's heteroromantic and bisexual.

Wouldn't this just be bi?

[tgif]

Just now, Chimeric said:

Wouldn't this just be bi?

he's romantically attracted to girls but sexually attracted to guys (and girls-but the point is his romantic orientation is different than his sexual one)

[Robin Hood]

Yes. Not everyone not everyone is comfortable with this idea and for many it is still a new idea. One of my dear friends is actually biromantic, but homosexual. I think that although it is still uncommon, it will become more common and accepted in the coming years. 

[Evil]

If this is the world that people are trying to shape then just kill me now.

[Astatine]

3 minutes ago, Robin Hood said:

I think that although it is still uncommon, it will become more common and accepted in the coming years.

Do you think that it will be more common because people are not so "afraid" to came out and say "I sexually attracted to girls but romantically attracted to boys"?

 

5 minutes ago, Evil said:

If this is the world that people are trying to shape then just kill me now.

Why?

[Evil]

1 minute ago, Astatine said:

Why?

Because it is verging on the ridiculous and putting lives in danger. I want no part of that.

[Yeast]

It seems entirely possible, especially among heterosexual women. They can be sexually attracted to their male partner but romantically attracted to female friends they have known for years. I'm not romantic so this is still a sort of theoretical thing to me. However I believe romance is based on familiarity. Of course, so is contempt ...

[TheAP]

29 minutes ago, Evil said:

Because it is verging on the ridiculous and putting lives in danger. I want no part of that.

How does it put lives in danger?

[Evil]

3 minutes ago, TheAP said:

How does it put lives in danger?

I am the result of what happens when a man thinks he can have sex with a lesbian. The more people try to water down what words mean to people the worse it will become.

[TheAP]

6 minutes ago, Evil said:

I am the result of what happens when a man thinks he can have sex with a lesbian. The more people try to water down what words mean to people the worse it will become.

Sexual orientation does not always fit into simple categories. Some people's identities may be more complex, and it's important to respect that and not dismiss the possibility offhand.

[Evil]

@TheAP I just sat here and told you my mother, a lesbian, was raped by a man because he decided that the word 'lesbian' means nothing and this is your reply?

[TheAP]

1 minute ago, Evil said:

@TheAP I just sat here and told you my mother, a lesbian, was raped by a man because he decided that the word 'lesbian' means nothing and this is your reply?

I'm sorry, I didn't understand what you meant.

[Galactic Turtle]

Theoretically? Yes. Actually? Unlikely.

 

The split attraction model gets pretty heavily slapped with controversy the second it puts a toe outside of ace spaces.

[Laplace]

I knew a classmate who was bisexual but was only romantically attracted to women. He said he wouldn’t have minded a physical relationship with me but not a romantic one. So, not necessarily as strict of a dichotomy between the romantic side and the sexual side, but it’s still something. I think it’s possible. I mean love and sexual pleasure can definitely be separated; someone could simply only enjoy erotic acts with a particular gender (I mean certain acts are exclusive to each gender) but still prefer an emotional connection to the other gender. I just think it’d be extremely rare.

[Sweet Potato]

4 hours ago, Evil said:

I am the result of what happens when a man thinks he can have sex with a lesbian. The more people try to water down what words mean to people the worse it will become.

while this is terrible, it has nothing to do with peoples sexual and romantic identities being different. anyone of any orientation is capable of violence or restraint, and anyone of any orientation could be a victim of violence (though statistically Ace and Bi get targeted more often for sexual assault)

[Philip027]

Yes, it happens.  Whether it's "controversial" or not does not erase people's experiences.

 

Willing to bet that many of the people in this boat aren't even aware of it, due to society not really presenting romantic orientation as a thing.

 

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Wouldn't this just be bi?

Depends.  Some people wouldn't be comfortable with calling themselves "bi" if they wouldn't actually want to carry out a romantic relationship with one of the sexes.  Makes perfect sense to me, anyway.

 

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I just sat here and told you my mother, a lesbian, was raped by a man because he decided that the word 'lesbian' means nothing and this is your reply?

That isn't what you said, though.  You never mentioned rape, for one thing, and people who have mismatched sexual orientations having sex together with one of those people not yet realizing what their orientation actually is, IS a thing that actually happens.  It isn't necessarily rape or anything with malicious intent.

 

It's unfortunate what happened in your case and all, but when you don't communicate clearly, don't be surprised when you get misunderstood.  That isn't the other person's fault.

[Chimeric]

4 hours ago, Philip027 said:

That isn't what you said, though.  You never mentioned rape

What else would it be when a man thinks he can have sex with a lesbian?

 

This is why words matter. 

 

[Evil]

4 hours ago, Philip027 said:

It's unfortunate what happened in your case and all, but when you don't communicate clearly

It is not verbatim sure, but saying "I am the result of what happens when a man thinks he can have sex with a lesbian." should be pretty damn clear. I decided not to use the word rape on purpose. It is not exactly my favourite or most comfortable story to get in to.

 

6 hours ago, Sweet Potato said:

while this is terrible, it has nothing to do with peoples sexual and romantic identities being different

Perhaps not but it has everything to do with people deciding to ignore and disregard that words have meaning and some of those words protect who people are.

[Chimeric]

1 minute ago, Evil said:

Perhaps not but it has everything to do with people deciding to ignore and disregard words have meaning and some of those words protect who people are.

I agree with this. 

 

Not to mention, it seems so odd to me that of all the communities out there, it's the ace community that gets so hung up on categorizing specifically what body type they would screw. Anywhere outside of this community, lesbian means only female partners (romantic or otherwise), gay means only male partners (romantic or otherwise) and bi means either (again... Romantic or otherwise). Having sex with one sex and loving another is still being bi, we have a word for that already. And dissecting it down into romantic versus sexual attraction muddies the water and dilutes the meaning of words that already exist. There is such a thing as overlabelling. 

[Philip027]

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What else would it be when a man thinks he can have sex with a lesbian?

Hell if I know.  Did the guy actually know she was a lesbian?  Did *she* know?  There also could have been consent regardless; as you ought to know, people can and do consent to sex contrary to their orientation.

 

There's a lack of important details, which leads to potential confusing and misconstruing of the event.  I mean, if you have a personal reason for omitting those details, that's whatever, but don't get chippy about it when people misunderstand you as a result of that.  That's all on you.

 

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Not to mention, it seems so odd to me that of all the communities out there, it's the ace community that gets so hung up on categorizing specifically what body type they would screw. Anywhere outside of this community, lesbian means only female partners (romantic or otherwise), gay means only male partners (romantic or otherwise) and bi means either (again... Romantic or otherwise).

The reason why that matters is because we often get people assuming that because we're asexual, we must be interested in nobody.  (Or that, when they find we ARE interested in somebody, that it's therefore a sign we must not be asexual.)  That isn't necessarily the case, and it's erasure of romantic aces (and aromantic sexuals).  It's a result of conflating sexual and romantic orientation and it results in inaccuracies.

 

Just because it's omnipresent everywhere outside the internet doesn't mean we should just collectively sigh, accept it, and say nothing.

[Chimeric]

2 hours ago, Philip027 said:

I mean, if you have a personal reason for omitting those details, that's whatever, but don't get chippy about it when people misunderstand you as a result of that.  That's all on you.

A little compassion would go a long way, here. Remember there is a person on the other side of that forum post. 

 

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Just because it's omnipresent everywhere outside the internet doesn't mean we should just collectively sigh, accept it, and say nothing.

Asexual people have been using the terms gay/lesbian/bi/straight longer than AVEN has existed, though. They already include asexual people. The general population understands it refers to attraction in general whether someone is interested in sex or not. 

[Philip027]

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A little compassion would go a long way, here. Remember there is a person on the other side of that forum post. 

What I saw was someone trying to converse (AP) and another person getting snippy at them for not understanding something they never actually said (Evil).

 

As far as I'm concerned, I *am* showing compassion; it's just maybe not toward the person you'd like.  Bad shit happening to you does not give you a free pass to take it out on everyone else.

 

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Asexual people have been using the terms gay/lesbian/bi/straight longer than AVEN has existed, though. They already include asexual people. The general population understands it refers to attraction in general whether someone is interested in sex or not. 

No, they really don't.  Otherwise we wouldn't get the sort of inaccurate remarks I was just mentioning (like how we can't be interested in anybody if we're asexual, or how relationships aren't "for real" if they don't involve sex, etc etc) directed at us on a regular basis.