donttalktomexc Posted March 7, 2018 Share Posted March 7, 2018 I honestly dunno. In fairness I'm only 16 and a virgin, so I could very well realise that I'm actually demisexual (which is probably the case, I'm just not ruling asexual out yet). I've read about how a lot of asexuals are either repulsed by sex or uninterested in it., which isn't a sentiment I can really relate to anymore? I think French kissing and oral sex is pretty icky but I don't really have anything against vaginal or anal, to be honest. I always skipped by sex scenes in books because I really only read for the plot and I find writing them to be painful because I simply feel awkward doing it (and I also don't know how, lol). During movies though, I really don't mind watching it. I actually think it's kinda beautiful and the pleasure the girl seems to feel intrigues me. Not physically, just kinda emotionally. I don't really have sexual fantasies involving sex and when I do they usually don't involve me. When I have them, it's not that I don't enjoy them, it's just that I enjoy it emotionally and sensually rather than sexually. Maybe that's because I don't actually know what sex is like so I can't really relate enough to be aroused. It's what I've heard people say, anyway. I just know that sex is something I want to experience one day, even if it'll be very sensual and emotional for me. I wouldn't have said this a year ago, which made me wonder if I'm only desiring it because I think I'm supposed to. I don't think that's the case though. I do think I have a bit of a drive. It's just that it can't really be activated by anyone unless I really really know them and even then, there's not much physical attraction. Tl;dr: Is it possible for an asexual to want sex and still be on the spectrum? Quote Link to post Share on other sites
TheAP Posted March 7, 2018 Share Posted March 7, 2018 My understanding is that an asexual can want sex out of curiosity or social pressure or the like, but not for inherent sexual pleasure. 2 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
RK800 Posted March 7, 2018 Share Posted March 7, 2018 This will probably end up in the hot box. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Kyōma32 Posted March 7, 2018 Share Posted March 7, 2018 I think it is possible, it's just that the reasons will be slightly different. Whereas most people will have sex due to an attraction to have sex with a person as well as sensual and emotional reasons, an asexual may have sex because of curiosity or wanting to please a romantic partner as well as sensual and emotional reasons. There is nothing that says that in order to be an asexual, you must be sex repulsed and dislike the sensations and emotions of sex. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
GloriaA Posted March 7, 2018 Share Posted March 7, 2018 Maybe you simply fall on the ace spectrum? When I was younger I struggled with defining my orientation too: I thought that since I was romantically attracted to both gender, even if I wasn't sexually, I was bisexual. When I discovered asexuality in my twenties I was surprised and felt less broken. Labels are very helpful in discovering yourself, but I don't think that you should worry about them much. Maybe you're demisexual. Maybe you're not. If you're interested in pursuing a sexual relationship, if you're sure and don't feel pressured in any way to do it, and you take every safety precaution, why not trying it? And if you discover that you like it, amazing. And if not, well: now you know. This is only my personal opinion on the matter, but I think that you should never feel compelled to adhere to rules regarding labelling your sexual orientation and you should feel free to explore it in safety and withouth being judged for it In short: yes, I think that you could still fall on the spectrum and desire sex in specific occasions 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Galactic Turtle Posted March 7, 2018 Share Posted March 7, 2018 *grabs popcorn* *waits for Pramana and Pan to show up* As for my two cents if someone desires to have a sex life whether that be with random people or a dedicated partner, for physical pleasure or emotional pleasure, whether they actively pursue these desires or abstain from them for whatever reason, I'm not sure what drove them to adopt the asexual label in the first place besides maybe a rogue Tumblr post and maybe shallow perceptions regarding what it actually means to be a sexual person. Other than that in high school I think it's normal to be curious about sex, alcohol, and other "adult" things as "list of things I may or may not be interested in doing in the future." Only time will tell. If it turns out you're ace then that's fine. If it turns out you're not then that's also fine. Just make sure you know what you're comfortable with trying out and and be safe! 5 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Yatagarasu Posted March 7, 2018 Share Posted March 7, 2018 No asexual wants sex on their own. Unless it's to satisfy their sexual partner etc. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Deus Ex Infinity Posted March 7, 2018 Share Posted March 7, 2018 Of course they can but usually don't want to have sex, unless it's for satisfying their partners or something. That's the difference. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted March 7, 2018 Share Posted March 7, 2018 Asexuals sometimes have sex for reasons like: to please a sexual partner who would be unhappy without sex, to try to 'look normal' (in the same way a gay person might have straight sex), to have a baby, or even for more extreme reasons like self-punishment or being sure that if they just keep having it they'll eventually 'force' themselves to enjoy it. However, an asexual cannot want (or desire) partnered sexual intimacy for their own sexual and/or emotional pleasure. If they decided they actually wanted sex with someone because it would feel good, be fun, and/or would be an enjoyable intimate experience, then they have just discovered their innate sexuality and there's nothing wrong with that! Quote Link to post Share on other sites
donttalktomexc Posted March 7, 2018 Author Share Posted March 7, 2018 1 hour ago, FictoVore. said: However, an asexual cannot want (or desire) partnered sexual intimacy for their own sexual and/or emotional pleasure. If they decided they actually wanted sex with someone because it would feel good, be fun, and/or would be an enjoyable intimate experience, then they have just discovered their innate sexuality and there's nothing wrong with that! Really? Because I've heard about asexuals who enjoy sex, they just simply don't experience sexual attraction to other people. Would this fall more into gray territory? Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Jewel Bright Posted March 7, 2018 Share Posted March 7, 2018 There seems to be a difference in feelings and desire for many people at the beginning of a relationship and through certain hormonal changes (such as puberty). Many (such as myself) experience sex and desire and the unknown differently when relationships are beginning. Feelings that fade to nothing later on. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted March 7, 2018 Share Posted March 7, 2018 27 minutes ago, donttalktomexc said: Really? Because I've heard about asexuals who enjoy sex, they just simply don't experience sexual attraction to other people. Would this fall more into gray territory? Well that would depend on how you're trying to define sexual attraction. The way it's most commonly defined around here ie 'looking at someone attractive and getting horny' or 'wanting sex with someone because you find them attractive' are very limited definitions that certainly don't apply to all non-asexual people, and even when they do, they're often only a minor aspect of what actually makes up that person's sexual orientation. Many sexual people desire sexual intimacy because it's fun, pleasurable, and can help them to feel close to their partner emotionally and even spiritually, but that doesn't automatically mean they get horny every time they look at their partner. Some people have 'responsive' desire, which means they actually need a fair bit of foreplay to get aroused enough to be able to enjoy sex! One of the things you often hear self-identifying asexuals who say they love sex claiming are things like: ''I am asexual because I love sex, but the appearance and gender of the people I have it with doesn't matter to me, it's the sex I desire, not the person'' But when you ask them ''so does that mean you'd have sex with literally anyone in the entire world?'' they will always reply ''Oh no, I need to be in a relationship with that person'' or ''well, no, I need to like their personality and trust them'' or even ''well, they can't be obese or clearly unwell or anything''.. So all these things ARE sexual preferences. This person has preferences as to who they desire to have sex with, even though they THINK they don't care about any of that sort of thing. And there are many, many sexual people who have these exact same sexual preferences. They may love sex, and not mind too much who they have it with as long as that person is willing, but there will still always be preferences and standards as to whom these people choose to have sex with. For these reasons, it is clear that a lot of the time when a self-identifying asexual says things like ''I love sex and couldn't be happy without it'' they are usually basing that on a misunderstanding of just how varied the sexual motivations of most sexual people can really be! 'Sexual attraction' isn't this one box fits all type thing, it's experienced in different ways by different sexual people and has varying levels of importance from one sexual person to another. However what they ALL have in common is that to some extent or another, they desire partnered sexual intimacy with certain other people under certain circumstances for pleasure. An asexual lacks this innate desire to connect sexually with other people that all sexual people have to some extent or another. HOWEVER Sometimes you do get asexuals who can experience physically pleasurable stimulation from sex, and even orgasm from it, as a result of their genitals being stimulated. Sometimes even rape victims orgasm during an attack and while I am NOT comparing sex with an asexual to rape, I am just saying that sometimes someone's body can react even if they don't desire the sex for their own sexual or emotional pleasure. The difference though is that even if an asexual can 'enjoy' the feelings of sex, they would still be happiest without it in their life. They may still give it to a sexual partner to try to keep their partner happy, but the ace will end up finding it quite draining and a lot of effort as it's not something they are inherently capable of desiring for their own pleasure. It ends up still being like a giant pile of dishes you have to do by yourself every single night so your partner can be happy (and that takes a massive toll on the partner as well because it's important for them that you enjoy and desire it as much as they do!!). An asexual who can enjoy the way sex feels will still always have a preference for masturbation over partnered sex, and will be just as likely to seek sex out for pleasure as any other asexual. I hope that helps? Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Janus the Fox Posted March 8, 2018 Share Posted March 8, 2018 At no point I've wanted sex with the partner, but do so for romantic development for the SO. All sex is initiated by the SO I don't think there will be asexuals who want, need partnered sex for their own emotional or romantic needs for themselves, though may feel the "want" to have sex to maintain their own emotional or romantic needs to keep a relationship maintained. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
soda59 Posted March 8, 2018 Share Posted March 8, 2018 I feel like I could be a little shit and say what you are describing just is normal female sexuality. But I do think while that's not inherently completely true, female sexuality just isn't quite the same . And it's not discussed as much as being different from the view point we usually get (because most media is made by men, to be honest) . There is a reason women rarely consume porn (and maybe it's just cultural as well) and tend to prefer novels. I do have fantasies involving characters that are not me,but I do not wish to engage in sex at all. It's hard to say that someone who has the same fantasies as me but has a desire to at least experience sex is suddenly more of an allosexual than me. I'm not sure where to drawn the line, but sometimes I think my fantasies make me less of an asexual. Sure, I'm not involved in them, but they still have a sexual aspect to them, so it is what it is. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
JohnQn Posted March 8, 2018 Share Posted March 8, 2018 Thought I'd chime in on this one. I'm a 43 year old man. I've never been horny in my entire life. I love women, I just don't need to have sex with them. I don't think it's gross or anything, I just don't want to. I've never had that "pitter-patter" thing they tell you when you find "the one" and I've never gotten an erection at a strip club. That being said, I just got dumped by my girlfriend of three years because I basically didn't want to have sex anymore. I can ONLY have sex if I have a very close emotional connection to someone. I have had very few girlfriends in my life because none of them stick around waiting for me to get in the mood. I'm used to being called gay, or homo,etc. I tried to salvage this relationship by never telling her about asexuality and trying to have a normal relationship. I never wanted to have sex with her, but I really liked her and really wanted a relationship that I haven't had in a decade. Finally, I just couldn't do it anymore. That is why I never even attempt having relationships, because I won't last very long if ever I can. I was actually quite relieved when she broke it off with me so I could get back to my life a little more. So, I'm asexual, and have ZERO desire to have sex, but I can in some situations few and far between. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Philip027 Posted March 8, 2018 Share Posted March 8, 2018 Quote Really? Because I've heard about asexuals who enjoy sex, they just simply don't experience sexual attraction to other people. Would this fall more into gray territory? Being able to enjoy something is whatever, but if you're actively pursuing sex with someone for your own sexual gratification, as far as I'm concerned that IS sexual attraction. I've tried asking before what people think sexual attraction is if it isn't that, and I've only gotten iffy non-answers, if that. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Sally Posted March 8, 2018 Share Posted March 8, 2018 Asexuals don't want sex for sex. That's how they differ from sexuals. Asexuals may have sex for other reasons (having child, because partner wants it, etc.), but not because they want it. If there are times you want sex, or there are people with whom you want sex, you're simply sexual. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Kersenne Posted March 8, 2018 Share Posted March 8, 2018 15 hours ago, donttalktomexc said: Really? Because I've heard about asexuals who enjoy sex, they just simply don't experience sexual attraction to other people. Would this fall more into gray territory? I might help you with that one - the only few times I've had sex, I enjoyed it, but only a physical level. Say, my body liked it and reacted to being stimulated, but my mind was somewhere else (usually thinking 'Is this going to take much longer?'), much as @FictoVore. described. I recently discovered as well that I liked physical intimacy, even if it meant having sex (which I never desired). I agree with all the others that asexuals don't want sex for themselves, which is pretty much the definition of asexuality, but we can want to have it for other reasons (mentioned in previous posts ). Quote Link to post Share on other sites
donttalktomexc Posted March 8, 2018 Author Share Posted March 8, 2018 16 hours ago, spazzticsoda said: I do have fantasies involving characters that are not me,but I do not wish to engage in sex at all. It's hard to say that someone who has the same fantasies as me but has a desire to at least experience sex is suddenly more of an allosexual than me. I'm not sure where to drawn the line, but sometimes I think my fantasies make me less of an asexual. Sure, I'm not involved in them, but they still have a sexual aspect to them, so it is what it is. I think it’s the curiosity aspect. The characters seem to be having fun, it makes me wonder what I’m missing out on. I wish I could say that I am 100% sexual but my libido and desire is so low compared to my peers that I’d be lying to myself if I didn’t at least acknowledge that I am at least brushing the spectrum. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Asexual._.Blanket Posted March 8, 2018 Share Posted March 8, 2018 I think it simply comes down to why you want sex. Do you want sex because it feels good? Do you want sex because your partner turns you on? Then you are not asexual. Do you want sex because your partner is straight and you want to please them in that way (but the two above statements don't apply)? Do you want sex to have a baby (but the two above statements don't apply)? Do you want sex to feel emotionally or spiritually close to your partner (but the two above statements don't apply)? Do you have a non-sexual reason you're open to having sex? Then you are asexual. At least, this is my understanding. I am fairly new to learning about my sexuality and with that, asexuality, so take my words with a grain of salt. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Alejandrogynous Posted March 8, 2018 Share Posted March 8, 2018 1 hour ago, Asexual._.Blanket said: I think it simply comes down to why you want sex. Do you want sex because it feels good? Do you want sex because your partner turns you on? Then you are not asexual. Do you want sex because your partner is straight and you want to please them in that way (but the two above statements don't apply)? Do you want sex to have a baby (but the two above statements don't apply)? Do you want sex to feel emotionally or spiritually close to your partner (but the two above statements don't apply)? Do you have a non-sexual reason you're open to having sex? Then you are asexual. At least, this is my understanding. I am fairly new to learning about my sexuality and with that, asexuality, so take my words with a grain of salt. Having sex to please a partner or needing it to get pregnant come from outside motivators, reasons that can make an asexual choose to have sex even though they personally would be happiest not doing it. Wanting to feel emotionally or spiritually close with your partner, however, is still an internal desire, something that you yourself want for your own personal satisfaction from the sexual acts themselves. Sex is not all about the physical stuff, 'it feels good, my parter turns me on, etc.'. Emotions play a huge role in it as well, and wanting to feel close with your partner is one of the biggest motivators people have to have sex. Wanting sex because you love your partner and want to be intimate even though their body doesn't turn you on doesn't make it a non-sexual desire. Otherwise, I agree with what you said! 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Skully Roses Posted March 8, 2018 Share Posted March 8, 2018 I honestly don't know why any of us decide to comment on these things because everyone has differing opinions and will leave the poor op even more confused than when they started but in my opinion (as a 15 year old who has had sex multiple times for differing reasons) is do you want sex because physically your body has a response to it vs do you want to have sex because you like this person specifically. But you aren't gonna get a unanimous answer about this for at least another decade so I recommend just deciding which definition you think it is and sticking to that. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Asexual._.Blanket Posted March 9, 2018 Share Posted March 9, 2018 9 hours ago, Alejandrogynous said: Having sex to please a partner or needing it to get pregnant come from outside motivators, reasons that can make an asexual choose to have sex even though they personally would be happiest not doing it. Wanting to feel emotionally or spiritually close with your partner, however, is still an internal desire, something that you yourself want for your own personal satisfaction from the sexual acts themselves. Sex is not all about the physical stuff, 'it feels good, my parter turns me on, etc.'. Emotions play a huge role in it as well, and wanting to feel close with your partner is one of the biggest motivators people have to have sex. Wanting sex because you love your partner and want to be intimate even though their body doesn't turn you on doesn't make it a non-sexual desire. Otherwise, I agree with what you said! Ah, that makes a bit more sense than what I said! Again, being new to my (a)sexuality and asexuality as a whole, I don't know how to make sense out of it all. But what you said makes sense! Thanks! 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
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