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Feel disgust and sudden repulsion when i date my boyfriend


Jazmínn

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Okay so I'm a 20 years old cupiosexual and I've been in two long distance relationships(the only ones tho..). i loved my ex nd i love my current bf as well.the first time i experienced it i was so confused i saw my ex on our first date(he was my friend before that in real life and we used to meet alot )i suddenly felt so awful and disgusted about him and i even couldn't remember why i even liked him .i think it happened cause i just tried to think about that he's my bf and it's a sexual relationship as well not like a normal friendship like before.i tried to control myself but when he touched me i felt even worse and he noticed that I'm not comfortable and asked why he feels like I'm disgusted!and i had no idea!anyway once he went back to the city he lives in i suddenly started loving him just like before and next dates were just the same!.  i wanna know if it has anything to do with being an asexual or cupiosexual(i desire sexual relationship and i don't hate sex but i don't experience sexual attraction and I'm virgin)or it's about some mental problems and i need to see a psychiatrist?!i Haven't met my current bf yet and I'm so afraid to meet him as i don't want that to happen again with him as well!

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22 minutes ago, OptimisticPessimist said:

It's not about mental problems.  it's not really to do with being Ace or Cupio. I would check out the terms Frayromantic and Fraysexual. 

I Dont think so...cause i knew him so well he was my best friend so it's not like i lost my interest when i got to know him more...and also cause i started loving him jus like before again once he went back to his city!

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Maybe it's related to proximity? A friend of mine had the same kind of issue where they were fine with dating people until they were face to face. It might have to with the realization that your relationship may lead to sexual contact. Maybe you are more sex-repulsed than you thought? Just a thought, I can't tell you what you're experiencing so I could be totally off the mark. In terms of mental health, seeing a therapist might be nice because they're easy to talk to and can help you work things out in a safe environment, but I don't think your experience is a mental problem or anything and a good talk with a close friend might solve the same need. Have you talked to your current partner about being asexual? There's nothing wrong with wanting or not wanting to have sex, but I'd recommend trying out a relationship without expectations of having sex and working up to a point where you feel comfortable with it. Again, just my opinion, could be totally wrong. Good luck though!

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I've had the same trouble before I knew I was asexual. 

 

I was deeply in love with my bf, we had a long distance relationship, and when I saw him again irl, I couldn't bear the thought of him touching me. I still loved him though, but I think I was very afraid at the time of having to sleep with him. I think I subconsciously knew I didn't want to have sex with him, but felt like I would have to and it scared me. I think that's why I was suddenly disgusted by the thought of him touching me. 

 

It also happened with another ex - I loved him, loved being with him, loved it when he touched me (in a non sexual or even remotely intimate way) but I stopped liking all of it the moment things got too intimate/sexual. Same as before, I didn't know yet I was asexual, hadn't acknowledge nor accepted it at the time, and it made my relationship with him very awkward as he was hyper sexual and I just felt like I had to follow him, like I had to want it. It made me feel quite uncomfotable, and I think that's why I came to stop wanting him to be near me. 

 

To be honest, since I've accepted my aseuxality, I feel much better, and I'm more able now to accept and enjoy physical closeness, because I know more about my boundaries, about what I like and not like, and about what I want and don't want. 

I don't know if you can relate to my experience, but perhaps it will help you clear some clouds :) 

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helana12_03

I had something similar happen when I was in a relationship. I actually enjoyed all the physical stuff but being in a relationship felt wrong and unnatural to me. There was always this part of me that felt like having a bf was unnatural and wanted out. It was almost as if I wasn't being myself anymore. I also felt as if I was being chained down in a way and wanted my freedom back.

 

For me, this seemed to have something to do with my being aromantic. I'm ok with the idea of romantic relationships and like them on TV but not in real life. There's absolutely nothing wrong with not wanting to be in a relationship whether you find real-life romance disgusting or not.

 

It's possible that you were ok with having a bf as long as it was long distance because your body didn't fully process the fact that you were dating until you actually saw your bf and had physical interactions with him. Did you guys do couply things on the phone? (e.g. baby talk, say I love you, using pet names etc). I was perfectly fine talking to my ex on the phone as long as it was nothing too romantic.

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Sounds like it's related to moving the relationships from the virtual to physical worlds. It might be worth talking to a therapist, if this distresses you and you actually want to be able to take things to physical space.

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On 3/8/2018 at 1:25 PM, yonah said:

Maybe it's related to proximity? A friend of mine had the same kind of issue where they were fine with dating people until they were face to face. It might have to with the realization that your relationship may lead to sexual contact. Maybe you are more sex-repulsed than you thought? Just a thought, I can't tell you what you're experiencing so I could be totally off the mark. In terms of mental health, seeing a therapist might be nice because they're easy to talk to and can help you work things out in a safe environment, but I don't think your experience is a mental problem or anything and a good talk with a close friend might solve the same need. Have you talked to your current partner about being asexual? There's nothing wrong with wanting or not wanting to have sex, but I'd recommend trying out a relationship without expectations of having sex and working up to a point where you feel comfortable with it. Again, just my opinion, could be totally wrong. Good luck though!

Thanks alot for your help .yeah I've told him that I'm a cupiosexual but he has no idea about that sudden repulsion thing!i guess i should see a therapist if i really want this to be solved.

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On 3/8/2018 at 4:48 PM, Kersenne said:

I've had the same trouble before I knew I was asexual. 

 

I was deeply in love with my bf, we had a long distance relationship, and when I saw him again irl, I couldn't bear the thought of him touching me. I still loved him though, but I think I was very afraid at the time of having to sleep with him. I think I subconsciously knew I didn't want to have sex with him, but felt like I would have to and it scared me. I think that's why I was suddenly disgusted by the thought of him touching me. 

 

It also happened with another ex - I loved him, loved being with him, loved it when he touched me (in a non sexual or even remotely intimate way) but I stopped liking all of it the moment things got too intimate/sexual. Same as before, I didn't know yet I was asexual, hadn't acknowledge nor accepted it at the time, and it made my relationship with him very awkward as he was hyper sexual and I just felt like I had to follow him, like I had to want it. It made me feel quite uncomfotable, and I think that's why I came to stop wanting him to be near me. 

 

To be honest, since I've accepted my aseuxality, I feel much better, and I'm more able now to accept and enjoy physical closeness, because I know more about my boundaries, about what I like and not like, and about what I want and don't want. 

I don't know if you can relate to my experience, but perhaps it will help you clear some clouds :) 

Hey thanks alot for sharing!The problem is that i think I'm cupiosexual which means i desire a sexual relationship but don't experience sexual attraction ... So i don't get what this sudden repulsion thing is about!does it mean that I'm not one?!I'm confused

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We need a term for virtual cupiosexual - you are ace and desire a sexual relationship on the internet, but not in person :D

 

Virtuosexual? e-cupiosexual?

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45 minutes ago, anamikanon said:

We need a term for virtual cupiosexual - you are ace and desire a sexual relationship on the internet, but not in person :D

 

Virtuosexual? e-cupiosexual?

No i actually don't even sext...i used to do it before just to please him and i also used to send nudes but i was just doing that for him.i just think that i need a sexual relationship in real life but when it comes to dating i feel a sudden repulsion?!damn it's really too complicated and i hope it be sth whicch can be solved by a therapist!

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I feel similarly about my long-distance boyfriend. I was perfectly happy when we first got together as he struck me as a very independent person. However, now in frustration, I often think of him as exhausting and needy, I wonder what happened to the guy I thought I was dating, and as a result I don't want to go anywhere near him. I know these are not fair descriptions and I found these forums to try to understand where he's actually coming from. From what I've read, he isn't actually needy or dependent, he's just...what regular people are who are traditionally romantic and traditionally sexual. I have found that I'm less exhausted when I speak to him and he sounds like his clear-thinking and independent self again (I suspect that hearing my voice reassures him and reduces the anxiety that causes the behavior). Still, even knowing what is likely going on in his head, whenever he tells me he wishes he could hold me, or cuddle me, it feels stressful, invasive, and exhausting.

 

I think being at a distance is an advantage though -it's good that you're aware of the disgust you feel, and maybe this is an opportunity to figure out where your limits are. It sounds like you want to hold/touch him eventually, but you need to be eased into it, and feel like you're not under any pressure to move faster than you're ready to - maybe tell him you only want to hold hands for now, and when you're ready for more, you will initiate the hug or whatever the larger contact is? 

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