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Extreme emotion and Asexuality


jwhit93

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Recently this past weekend something out of the ordinary happened with this girl I’m seeing who’s asexual. I will add that she has touch (doesn’t like cuddling) and kiss aversions. 

 

 

Anyway so we’re out together doing a bar crawl and we arrive to one place where we stubble across one of her uncles. It really caught her off guard but we both went over to talk to him, it was my first time meeting him. We get that over with and everything seems good until she complains of a headache. We walk out to my car to get some Advil and there she opens up about some things with her uncle. Apparently he caused a huge strain on her parents marriage and she feels that he’s part of the reason they separated 6 years ago. So yeah his presence upset her and eventually she begins to sob uncontrollably. I comfort her and listen to what she has to say. Next thing I know she reaches over and kisses me. In my head I’m thinking why is she doing this, she hates this kinda thing. We eventually get back to her place and lays with me on the couch for a while before I leave. 

 

With the aversions she has it was very confusing why she did things she typically doesnt like to do. I’m wondering if extreme emotions like sadness can sort of override the aversions she has. Has anyone else experienced? I’ve learned a great deal about asexuality since she told me she was so I want people to please refrain from writing down basic things about asexuality. But please do include any info that you may feel is valuable. Thank you very much :)

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Probably varies person to person.

 

Mine wants to be left alone when he is upset. And he doesn't have aversions to touch, kissing or even sex. But if he is upset and overwhelmed, he avoids contact. This gets complicated if we both are upset, because I tend to need closeness at such times (but I am not ace). At best he will accept passively embracing in bed. Just holding each other. That is it. If I so much as move my hands, he'll get restless.

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Telecaster68

My wife never actively wants touch but will volunteer a peck on the lips a couple of times a day (after much pleading on my behalf that this should be an ongoing thing). She'll tolerate me statically cuddling her, much as Anamikanon describes, except it's just my arms round her. She's not tensed or repulsed - often she's dozing - just utterly inert. I don't do it much now because it's too emotionally frustrating and weird. I'm a long, long way past it sparking any arousal or even the thought of it. 

 

But occasionally, like two or three times a year, she'll be badly upset by something that she will briefly (2-3 seconds) hug me. This is despite swearing blind she's never had the urge to - she clearly does, just hardly ever and doesn't remember it. It's one of the reasons I find I can't take how she describes her feelings and wants at face value, as they often contradict how she acts. 

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AcornCarvings

From the ace side of things, yeah sometimes it happens where I want more physical stuff in times of extreme emotion, and some other times I am more insecure about myself and what is "ok" for me to not and not want, which leads me to make moves that make me feel worse.

 

The person I'm in a romantic relationship with is very good about checking in with me during and after. I mean, consent goes both ways, not just for the other person but for the person who is "making the moves." Maybe checking in the next day and seeing how they felt during it, and explicitly making sure they know it is ok if they didn't enjoy it. It's really nice to not feel like you need to hide that you didn't enjoy something, even if you started it.

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Telecaster68

That can be tricky for a sexual person to understand. If feels like 'oh, if it's me who wants it, that doesn't matter. But on the rare occasions you want it, I'd be horrible for refusing'. 

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Perhaps she feels, as many asexuals do, that if their partner kisses them, it's a lead up to sex, and that can make us anxious.  But this was a case where she felt grateful to you for your support and wanted to express that, and may have felt secure that sex wouldn't happen in that instance.  I'm asexual and although I had sex for years with him for many  years, I've gotten averse the last few years.  However, I hug him when I feel especially loving toward him.  He understands that now.   

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3 hours ago, Sally said:

Perhaps she feels, as many asexuals do, that if their partner kisses them, it's a lead up to sex, and that can make us anxious.  But this was a case where she felt grateful to you for your support and wanted to express that, and may have felt secure that sex wouldn't happen in that instance.  I'm asexual and although I had sex for years with him for many  years, I've gotten averse the last few years.  However, I hug him when I feel especially loving toward him.  He understands that now.   

Yeah that makes a lot of sense. She’s also done similar things like this when she’s a little drunk, she initiates and welcomes touching a lot more than usual. 

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