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How is kissing supposed to feel like?


donttalktomexc

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donttalktomexc

(I posted this on two other forums as well but I only seem to get responses from fellow aces for here it goes >w<)

 

I always hear people talk about a 'spark' when they kiss their partners. Is this a literal spark? I'm not sure if my experience classifies as a spark. 

Here's my experience with kissing in a nutshell: I'm a 16 year old female and so far, I've yet to meet anyone that I feel sexually attracted to. I've felt SENSUALLY attracted to certain people and I definitely felt romantically attracted but I've never met someone that arouses me or that I'd like to sleep with. (Maybe it's worth noting that I'm a virgin, but I ditto). 

I had my first kiss when I was 14. It was just a peck and I didn't really feel anything. I remember being really flustered and flushed though. I had my second a few months ago when I got into my first relationship. It was also just a peck and I didn't really feel anything either. As the relationship progressed though, I started falling deeper and deeper for him. By our third kiss, I actually felt something. It wasn't really a spark though, at least not an electrical one. It was this pleasant giggly sensation that went from down my throat to my chest/stomach. It kinda tickled. It felt like the sort of excitement you feel when you're a little girl and you're told you're going to Disney land. I was giddy, essentially (minus the dizziness). My entire way home I spent having romantic fantasies involving him. Is this was people refer to when they talk about a romantic 'spark'? 

In total, I had about 4 kisses with him before breaking it off due to personal reasons. None of them where deep kisses, just pecks. The thought of French kissing sounds kinda repulsing, actually. I'm scared to try it.

 

So, is this a normal experience? Any sexuals want to chime in with some input as well?

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AcornCarvings

So, IDK what 'normal' kissing is supposed to feel like. I think kissing is like anything else people do together with their bodies, different for every individual, and there isn't any way that it 'should' feel. I personally I find kissing really uncomfortable and don't do it in any of my relationships, but I know a lot of people who really love it. If you feel comfortable exploring your boundaries and what you like and don't like with someone, go for it! It's totally cool if you don't want to, though. I personally am never going to explore if I like french kissing, similarly I'm never going to explore if I like sex. I do explore other pleasurable things, but always with the mindset that there is not a right or normal way it should feel to me. I keep what I like, and I don't do anything that I don't like or am on the fence about.

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nullYup, that's very normal!

 

Many, if not most, people don't feel much from their first kiss. It's often just a little peck and both partners are too in their head or don't know what they want/like. In fact, the first sexual encounter might feel similarly strange and not exactly enjoyable. But often if you hold off until you have a partner that makes you feel amazing when you kiss them, you will have more luck in bed too.

 

Sounds like you had that 'spark' with that boyfriend, if you felt giggly and kept having fantasies about him. It varies person to person, everyone feels it a little differently, but if you enjoyed it, that's about it! There is no "normal" feeling for a kiss really, just people trying to explain what they individually felt from things.

 

Keep in mind, also, that the average age for women to feel sexual attraction is 17. It's a range, so one woman might feel it at 13 while another doesn't experience it until 21. So you might still be developing and growing here. The important thing is to keep doing what makes you feel happy with people who care about you and you care about back in a safe and healthy way. :)

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EngineeRaven

Yeah, I know you asked for sexual people's opinions, but in  my defense, I can't actually state for sure that I'm not. Undefined until proven. :D
So I can't exactly give you anything but my own experiences and thoughts. My first (and only, so far) kiss felt like... nothing. I know I love him, but it was like... lips touching. Soft. Wet. That's all. I don't actually know if this is due to my possible asexuality or it is because I was almost panicking (touching is really tricky for me). Probably the latter. So it wasn't actually bad, rather normal. But it's good to hear that it changed for you after a few times. Maybe it will change for us too.

But I can totally understand your feelings bout french kissing. It sounds scary. But as I get to know someone, touching stuff gets easier, so maybe it will get better for both of us?

I don't know, hope my chime-in was useful. :D

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Fantastic Name

I'm asexual, but I can say from my own experience that this is pretty normal!

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donttalktomexc
2 minutes ago, Puck said:

Keep in mind, also, that the average age for women to feel sexual attraction is 17. It's a range, so one woman might feel it at 13 while another doesn't experience it until 21. So you might still be developing and growing here. The important thing is to keep doing what makes you feel happy with people who care about you and you care about back in a safe and healthy way. :)

Oof, I certainly hope so. It would make my life a whole lot easier. My parents were late to the sex game too so it isn't too unlikely. Maybe if I stay in love long enough my feelings might become sexual. My emotions are very strongly tied to my sexuality,

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donttalktomexc
5 minutes ago, MaeveTheRaven said:

Yeah, I know you asked for sexual people's opinions, but in  my defense, I can't actually state for sure that I'm not. Undefined until proven. :D
So I can't exactly give you anything but my own experiences and thoughts. My first (and only, so far) kiss felt like... nothing. I know I love him, but it was like... lips touching. Soft. Wet. That's all. I don't actually know if this is due to my possible asexuality or it is because I was almost panicking (touching is really tricky for me). Probably the latter. So it wasn't actually bad, rather normal. But it's good to hear that it changed for you after a few times. Maybe it will change for us too.

But I can totally understand your feelings bout french kissing. It sounds scary. But as I get to know someone, touching stuff gets easier, so maybe it will get better for both of us?

I don't know, hope my chime-in was useful. :D

Haha, don't worry. It's totally useful. I was set on giving up the first time after not feeling anything but I decided to let myself become closer before giving up. I'm glad I did. Even though we didn't last, I discovered something new about my sexuality.

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EngineeRaven
Just now, donttalktomexc said:

Haha, don't worry. It's totally useful. I was set on giving up the first time after not feeling anything but I decided to let myself become closer before giving up. I'm glad I did. Even though we didn't last, I discovered something new about my sexuality.

Well, I'm not planning to give up. I don't think I'll find another guy like this. :D Good luck to you, though, I totally understand your experience. :D

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1 minute ago, donttalktomexc said:

Oof, I certainly hope so. It would make my life a whole lot easier. My parents were late to the sex game too so it isn't too unlikely. Maybe if I stay in love long enough my feelings might become sexual. My emotions are very strongly tied to my sexuality,

If they do turn in to sexual feelings or don't, both is ok and it's also SO ok to take your time!

 

Especially in the teen years, I so understand your emotions being tied to your sexuality. You're trying to figure things out and sex can seem daunting and sometimes it feels like everyone is feeling things you aren't. But everyone is really and truly different, and you just have to figure out what you want and what makes you happiest and healthiest :)

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Telecaster68
1 hour ago, donttalktomexc said:

It was this pleasant giggly sensation that went from down my throat to my chest/stomach.

Yeah, that sounds about right. A really good description in fact. If you do it some more and get more relaxed, you'll probably find that sensation turning into arousal. And sensually, lip to lip, it feels amazing too, which isn't surprising given how sensitive people's lips are. 

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donttalktomexc
3 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

Yeah, that sounds about right. A really good description in fact. If you do it some more and get more relaxed, you'll probably find that sensation turning into arousal. And sensually, lip to lip, it feels amazing too, which isn't surprising given how sensitive people's lips are. 

Maybe. I had a lot of sensual sort of urges towards him. I craved his touch a lot but it was always sensual. I wasn't ever aroused by the thought, I just knew I wanted him to grab me and touch me in every way possible. I suppose that this is why I choose to identify as asexual. It's like my mind is attracted but it doesn't know how to translate it into arousal. I only began feeling this was after I became closer to him. I didn't find him particularly attractive before and looking back now, after breaking up, I don't really understand why I was feeling this way towards him. Maybe I'm more demi than gray.

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donttalktomexc
24 minutes ago, Puck said:

If they do turn in to sexual feelings or don't, both is ok and it's also SO ok to take your time!

 

Especially in the teen years, I so understand your emotions being tied to your sexuality. You're trying to figure things out and sex can seem daunting and sometimes it feels like everyone is feeling things you aren't. But everyone is really and truly different, and you just have to figure out what you want and what makes you happiest and healthiest :)

I guess. I just hate the thought of dying alone. I'm extremely romantic, I just wish my emotions reflected physically better,

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Telecaster68
8 minutes ago, donttalktomexc said:

I wanted him to grab me and touch me in every way possible.

That's pretty text book sexual attraction, and absolutely it comes and goes towards people. It's absolutely the norm to look at an ex and think 'what did I see in them?'... That's probably why they're an ex, after all.

 

Your mind doesn't translate it into arousal. Physical arousal is an autonomic reaction - you don't have much control over it. 

 

ETA:

 

Generally, and especially for women, arousal doesn't happen spontaneously. It's a response to stimulus, like kissing or touching or being touched. 

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5 minutes ago, donttalktomexc said:

I guess. I just hate the thought of dying alone. I'm extremely romantic, I just wish my emotions reflected physically better,

That's fine! I am VERY similar. I love loving someone, just don't like, uh, physically loving them :D

 

There are other asexuals out there so it's always possible you find someone that wants to be in the exact kind of romantic relationship you want to be in. Or, perhaps you find someone where you build such a solid base of trust and love that being sexual with them comes to be something you want to do. Most people don't want to do it right away, they want to have a personal connection first. :)

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donttalktomexc
18 minutes ago, Puck said:

That's fine! I am VERY similar. I love loving someone, just don't like, uh, physically loving them :D

 

There are other asexuals out there so it's always possible you find someone that wants to be in the exact kind of romantic relationship you want to be in. Or, perhaps you find someone where you build such a solid base of trust and love that being sexual with them comes to be something you want to do. Most people don't want to do it right away, they want to have a personal connection first. :)

The latter would be the ideal. There aren't many romantic asexuals in Ireland, I doubt I'll ever come across one. My experience is a tad different since I do crave the physical attention after I'm close to them. One of the reasons we broke up was because he kinda failed to give me enough attention, tbh. I like the attention, I just don't necessarily like giving it and I haven't ever felt physically aroused by it as of yet.

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28 minutes ago, donttalktomexc said:

The latter would be the ideal. There aren't many romantic asexuals in Ireland, I doubt I'll ever come across one. My experience is a tad different since I do crave the physical attention after I'm close to them. One of the reasons we broke up was because he kinda failed to give me enough attention, tbh. I like the attention, I just don't necessarily like giving it and I haven't ever felt physically aroused by it as of yet.

Well, you said this was your first relationship. If your "love language" so to speak is attention and he wasn't giving that to you, that might have been why you weren't feeling aroused. Perhaps if you find someone who gives you the attention you crave, you'll start feeling sexually attracted to them. You may just not have found the right partner, which at 16 is so understandable!

 

I'd say you are doing all the right things by trying to be with someone, exploring yourself here by asking questions, and learning what you want from a relationship. It's hard, but it will lead you to find relationships that are so much richer and fulfill you so much more. So have faith in yourself and just focus on finding someone that fulfills your needs and you can fulfill theirs outside of the bedroom, and see if that can lead to positive things in the bedroom after :)

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donttalktomexc
17 hours ago, AcornCarvings said:

So, IDK what 'normal' kissing is supposed to feel like. I think kissing is like anything else people do together with their bodies, different for every individual, and there isn't any way that it 'should' feel. I personally I find kissing really uncomfortable and don't do it in any of my relationships, but I know a lot of people who really love it. If you feel comfortable exploring your boundaries and what you like and don't like with someone, go for it! It's totally cool if you don't want to, though. I personally am never going to explore if I like french kissing, similarly I'm never going to explore if I like sex. I do explore other pleasurable things, but always with the mindset that there is not a right or normal way it should feel to me. I keep what I like, and I don't do anything that I don't like or am on the fence about.

I’m not going to explore French kisssing anytime soon. I’d much sooner have sex than go into oral territory.

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Guest Deus Ex Infinity

I'm not a huge fan of french kissing either but aside from that it can feel very nice if you're truly in love with someone but it certainly doesn't feel good when you're under pressure or don't really care for the other person in terms of romantic attraction. So you must not do anything if it doesn't feel right to you at that very moment.

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