Orgasms, stress response and asexuality

[jabele]

All,

 

I am curious to ask you all about a super personal topic...orgasms.

 

I am starting to realize I am likely on the Asexual spectrum. I am 34 and have rarely (possibly never?) Been in a situation with someone where I was dying to sleep with them. Maybe once  or twice, tops, but I didn't end up doing it, or i was interested in them but they didn't reciprocate (once or twice). Now in a 10 year relationship and not once have I "wanted it" with her. I am female BTW and came out as a lesbian 6 months before dating my current partner.  

 

The other piece of the puzzle for me is that I have crappy orgasms.  They suck for the most part and i can only accomplish it in a very specific way.  For a while I've wondered if I don't want sex because I can't figure out how to get anywhere with it, but even women who don't have orgasms "crave" sex and I never seem to.  I also have an issue that, when I use a vibrator, I feel like orgasm occurs bc I feel contractions but I have NO pleasure. I thought maybe I had sexual anhedonia but I can 'sort of' feel it when I masterbate via rubbing against a hard object or surface.  

 

If I feel aroused, I look to my masturbation technique to just 'get rid of it.'  I've told myself that that is because it may be the only way I've been able to make it work and don't know how to duplicate with another person but I'm not sure. 

 

  Also, the O's are very weak, if you even want to call them O's, (basically just a mildly pleasant tingle for a second). On a scale of 1 to 10, they are a 1 or a 2. The best "O" I ever had was in the middle of a timed exam when I got overworked for running out of time. So basically my hottest sex partner was my GRE exam.... You gotta laugh. But anyway I haven't been able to duplicate that.

 

I wondered if others have issues with orgasms. From the sounds of it, that's separate and sexuality and sexual function are entirely different. However, it's hard for me to grasp being in a 1% category being on the a-scale, and also having this separate thing. I try to look for patterns in everything but don't know if I can.  

 

I'm curious for your thoughts

 

 

[NickyTannock]

Because I'm male, I don't know what a female orgasm is supposed to be like, but I identify with what you've said.

I don't want sex, and I feel either nothing at all or disgust when looking at sexually explicit imagery.

 

In my case, I often work on digital paintings or 3d models late into the night, and I've found that if I'm tired and holding back from going to the toilet to wee, I start feeling distracted by what I'd describe as an annoying tickle in my chest and groin.

 

I found the only way to get rid of this distraction and get back to work, is by masturbating, but I feel no pleasure from the act even when I orgasm.

The whole process just feels like a mechanical chore, and all that happens is the tickle gets stronger and then disappears.

 

Since this only happens when I'm both tired and need to wee, it doesn't happen often.

Maybe twice a week at the very most.

I don't know if my experience is similar to other Asexuals, but I thought I'd share since you broached the topic.

[everywhere and nowhere]

I have only had orgasms from self-pleasuring because I have never had sex and don't want to, but I have a bit similar feelings and would generally describe an orgasm as pleasant and frustrating at the same time.

First: I need time for it, usually at least half an hour. So even though I wouldn't say that it's "just an itch to scratch", though I enjoy the feeling - I also feel like it's a waste of time. Well, maybe not so much - as I do enjoy this feeling, I also wouldn't want it to end in five or ten minutes, but sometimes it becomes very frustrating when I just can't reach an orgasm.

Second: the orgasm itself is very underwhelming, to the point that I could use a pun and call it "anticlimactic". Before it really feels nice and I don't think that I simply can't distinguish the orgasm itself because it is indeed a breakthrough point - but it always feels disappointing. A tingle, maybe a very weak contraction - 3-5 seconds and it's gone. This is really frustrating, like in "have I really done this for such little reward?".

Plus, as an added "bonus" - my sex aversion tends to expand right after an orgasm, though perhaps this feeling is getting weaker. I call myself sex-averse, but not sex-repulsed - that is, I'm extremely uncomfortable with the idea of personally having sex, but I don't mind sex as long as it doesn't include me. In fact, I'm autochorissexual and I use third-person fantasies as an aid in self-pleasuring. But after an orgasm my aversion tends to expand to full sex repulsion, a feeling of disgust with anything sexual.

I feel a lot of cognitive dissonance over the idea of an orgasm being "the greatest physical pleasure". Is it pleasant? Generally, yes. But for me it's so far from being "the greatest pleasure" that I can only feel real astonishment over such statements. "Earth-shattering", "multiple orgasms" - I don't deny that some people may experience it, but it feels like a myth to me.

I don't want to try sex ever, but I would want to have intense orgasms and after yet another disappointing one I feel frustrated that I just can't.