Newb alert!

[bumblebre]

Hi everyone! So I'm brand new to the forum, and honestly I'm feeling a little... lost? I could use all the advice I can get.

 

This weekend, my SO finally came out as ace... sort of. We've been together almost 4 months (but friends for much longer than that), and we've never had sex. I'm sexual, often in the past a bit too sexual maybe, and he's had sex exactly twice. That was my first big hint, because we are both in our late-20's, and I've been quite sexually active for the past 10 years. The last time we discussed sex was maybe a month or so into the relationship, and he said that he was never really comfortable with sex, and never really felt confident enough with himself. At that time, he said that he thought on and off that he might be ace, but that he was attracted to me, so he wasn't really sure. I took that as maybe he just has a low sex drive, doesn't want to rush into anything, and is worried that he's too inexperienced. The implication was that sex would probably happen, but might take awhile. Totally fine! I'm not the type to push if you aren't ready, but already I'm in very new territory. 

 

Fast forward to this past weekend, one of his friends made a joke at his expense (about not knowing what a condom was, or something like that), and I almost lost it. I've been sort of starting to experience some insecurity with him based on sex, feeling unwanted and undesirable, etc. We hadn't talked about sex in months, though I often stay at his place for days on end, and I guess it was starting to eat at me more than I thought it was. So, later that night, I told my SO that the joke bothered me. He asked, "does it bother you that we don't have sex?" and my response was "well, kind of." Enter: Can of Worms. I never expected to be in a relationship that wasn't sexual in nature, as most of my relationships in the past have been built on a foundation of sex and not much else. He finally said, "I told you before that I thought I might be asexual, and I'm starting to think that's probably the case." He just doesn't desire sex. He says he's still attracted to me, thinks I'm beautiful, etc. but just doesn't have the urge to have sex. My reaction was prettttyyyy dramatic (lots of crying), but in the end, I think it turned out to be a good thing. We didn't break up, and I'm willing to try to make it work. I've had to sort of adjust everything I've ever believed about a romantic relationship over the past 48 hours (okay, well, not everything, just one big thing), but I do really see this relationship going somewhere. Other than this one thing, I'd say we are pretty much perfect together. We're still really affectionate (read: gross), so other than just sexually, I don't feel like I'm being deprived of any other physical needs. I love the crap out of him, and I really want things to work out.

 

So, that's sort of where we're starting from. He's not positive, but he's pretty sure he's asexual (I'm the Ravenclaw in the relationship, so of course I'm the one doing all the research about it while he's just sort of living his life. Rude.) and I'm 100% certain that I'm not. I have no desire to push him into sex or sexual activity if he doesn't want to, but also, I'm worried. I don't want to hurt him, but I'm afraid that the lack of sex could end up driving me away from him. So, does anyone have any advice for someone starting out basically on day one of finding out that they're with an ace? I know I'm going to have to do a lot of compromising and self reflection, which I'm totally willing to do. But also, the future is scary. 

 

Jeez, that was long. Thanks to anyone who got through all of that! 

[RK800]

Welcome to AVEN!

May I ask if you two are open to an open relationship? It's completely okay if you're not! It's just a common suggestion for sexual/asexual relationships.

[bumblebre]

 

Hello! And thanks!

 

I don't think so, honestly. I don't particularly want to have sex with anyone else. We haven't really talked about it though, so I'm not sure what his stance is on the subject.

[Treesarepretty]

If you are the only one who cares enough about sex/asexuality to even research what it is, then I think that it is safe to say that he is ace. 

 

I would try to give advice, but right now I'm in a low state for reasons unrelated to this forum. 

 

Welcome.  

[bumblebre]

15 minutes ago, Treesarepretty said:

If you are the only one who cares enough about sex/asexuality to even research what it is, then I think that it is safe to say that he is ace. 

 

I would try to give advice, but right now I'm in a low state for reasons unrelated to this forum. 

 

Welcome.  

The top half of that made me giggle, because it sounds about right. The bottom part makes me sad. I’m sorry you’re feeling low. 

[alicio]

It's good that you're being proactive about the relationship and are willing to make it work! As for assistance, I'm ace and have no fucking clue. While he might not want sex, he could masturbate? Maybe yall can watch porn together? There are other ways to be sexually intimate other than sex.

 

But again, I have no clue. Good luck tho, I wish you two well

[anamikanon]

Our relationship began with sex. A good amount of it. Then it started dying out more and more. He isn't averse. He simply isn't interested.

 

The signs had been there all through. He had a 3 year relationship with another woman without ever having sex to her. This was incomprehensible to me. Waiting for sex I get totally. 3 YEARS? He explained it as circumstances. They were students, etc (but students living in another country altogether, independently). Her family was orthodox, she wanted to wait..... "YOU didn't even want to take things further? I'd go nuts!!!" I exclaimed. He was like "I was willing to wait. It mattered to her" ooooookay....

 

My ace actually has a sex drive the way we think of masturbation. He gets an idea and scene in his head that arouses him. Initially, I was something of a minor social media celebrity, so that "startstruck" kind of thing had a fantasy element. We were also long distance at that time, so the whole concept of "going on a trip to meet hot partner" was also like a "sexual situation/fantasy" kind of thing - a mental script involving sex.

 

The sex died out pretty rapidly once he moved in. He has no mental script for sex at home, lol. Need to see if I can make one happen...

 

Long story short. It is hard. It is very hard. I have never had "sex based" relationships, so to say - they always had more meaning beyond sex, but yes, sex was a normal and at times heavy part of them. This is devastating. I can masturbate myself just fine and don't need him to give orgasms. But the disinterest can be very hard to take.Particularly when you are together 24/7

 

Conversations can help. You will have to initiate them, because the ace isn't going to think of sex at all, so there won't be a need for them to initiate conversations about sex. This in itself can hurt - that they simply don't care about your needs while you're giving up something this big for them. Thing is, sex can be "out of sight and out of mind" for them. Find out what he is willing to engage in and not. Find out what you are willing to do without but what you need and so on. Then try to live according to the agreed middle ground.

 

I would suggest proceeding very slowly - particularly if you've run relationships on sex, so to say, in the past. It is one thing to say, you can do without, the lived reality can be very different and you often end up with your heart entangled. If it is suitable in your circumstances, you should try a trial period of say a few months - to extend as needed to see how you can adapt with each other. So that both of you know that this is not a guaranteed thing and sort of protect yourself mentally from getting in too deep and then being stuck with compromises you can't handle. Use that time to see what middle ground is there or whether you can cope without and so on.

[iff]

welcome @bumblebre

 

i hope that you find the forums useful

 

[Treesarepretty]

12 hours ago, bumblebre said:

The top half of that made me giggle, because it sounds about right. The bottom part makes me sad. I’m sorry you’re feeling low. 

Aww, you're nice. 😀

 

I will find solutions. I always do. You should focus on you're relationship, though. There is nothing that makes bad times worse quite like being with someone who causes you even more stress and pain. 

 

Make sure you communicate your needs to him and listen to his needs, too. It sounds like a lot of the dynamics in this relationship will be very different than what either of you have experienced before, so don't get into the mindset that you know from the getgo everything you need, want, or can tolerate.

 

Yes, I know you are in your late twenties. That doesn't change the uniqueness of this relationship for you. You would still be learning about how you function in this type of romance even if you started it in your late nineties. 

 

Treat it like an ongoing experiment where you could learn about a new need or limit at any time. Make sure you communicate with him and, importantly, pay attention to his needs and tolerances also. 

 

Good luck. 

[bumblebre]

Wow guys, thank you so much for all the kind words! I feel like I'm already starting to learn so much from just reading all of your posts.

 

My main concern right now I think is helping him figure out what he's comfortable with and what he likes and doesn't like. I'm fine going without sex for the foreseeable future, I've had extended voluntary dry spells in the past, but I know that's probably not entirely feasible for me long term. He doesn't seem to be sex repulsed, I think if he were, he'd have figured all of this out way before now, but he just doesn't have much interest in doing the actual deed. That's about all I know for sure though. I've tried talking about it with him a little bit since the big conversation, but he doesn't seem quite ready to go in-depth since it's such a new realization for him. Again, it's only been a few days, so I'm not too worried, I'm sure he'll be willing to answer questions once he's been able to work it out in his head a bit more. He does seem to be having a bit of trouble coping with the idea, which I'm trying to ease as much as I can, but I'm not sure how much help I can offer.

 

My other question is this: He offered to start seeing a therapist about it. The implication was that he wants to "fix" what's "wrong" with him, and I immediately shut that down. But, on the other hand, I don't think counseling is a bad idea overall (my mom is a mental health counselor, so I'm super pro-therapy for all). Maybe a counselor can help him sort out how he's feeling about himself, maybe help him adjust? And, again, it's pretty early in the relationship, but maybe down the line we could do some kind of counseling together? Does anyone have any experience in this area?

 

Seriously, you've all been so lovely, thank you so much for the responses! I really appreciate all of the feedback and stories I've read so far.

[anamikanon]

6 hours ago, bumblebre said:

My other question is this: He offered to start seeing a therapist about it. The implication was that he wants to "fix" what's "wrong" with him, and I immediately shut that down. But, on the other hand, I don't think counseling is a bad idea overall (my mom is a mental health counselor, so I'm super pro-therapy for all). Maybe a counselor can help him sort out how he's feeling about himself, maybe help him adjust? And, again, it's pretty early in the relationship, but maybe down the line we could do some kind of counseling together? Does anyone have any experience in this area?

For what it is worth, I think therapy is definitely a good idea on many fronts. For one, thing, initial talking about an inability to do anything can be pretty rough on self-worth. Particularly things like telling your girlfriend that you may not be interested in sex sort of things. For another, there are also a lot of conditions that can result in asexuality - this is strictly my opinion. There are others who think you are asexual or not. But again, there are those who eventually find themselves demisexual, others who lose interest in sex after specific events in their life and so on. There are medical conditions. Or it can simply be an inherent thing.

 

For example, my ace has several other issues that also inhibit him in various ways. Anxiety disorders, demand avoidance (that strangely doesn't extend to sex), Alexythimia (emotional blindness - that makes it difficult to be aware of own feelings, etc). When his life is relatively stress free and he isn't twitchy from the other things that inhibit him or cause him to go into a shell of sorts, he actually has a sex drive that is - in his own words - more similar to masturbating than desiring me, but it works for the purposes of sex. Also in his own words in an attempt to explain to me, it is like using porn or erotica to get off. He uses me to get off, but the "experience" is entirely in himself - unrelated to feeling a connection with me.

 

I don't think therapy will be a miracle cure, but it will definitely provide him a space to think things through and find a vocabulary to explain his state of being and what he wants to others (including you). With things that can bring up resentment or defensiveness, it is usually better to go through those with a third party (eg. Therapist) than bring those into an already complicated relationship.