Guest Posted March 5, 2018 Share Posted March 5, 2018 Hello all new to here im a 23 year old male in a relationship with a 31 year old male. We’ve been together 1 year this week. i love him so much and when we first met he said he didn’t like sex which I was absolutely fine with as for the first few months we did plenty of other stuff! But after a few months into the relationship the sexual stuff just stopped completely. He said it happened in his previous relationship that once he’s comfortable and happy in a relationship he doesn’t get the urges for sexual stuff but loves snuggles and kisses. its now 9 months of nothing sexual and we’ve spoken about it a couple times to which he replies he’s gunna try harder but that makes me feel bad as I don’t want to force him. I don’t want to lose him as I honestly love him. I just wondered is there anyone else out there one the same situation that could give some advice? thanks Link to post Share on other sites
Yep, me Posted March 5, 2018 Share Posted March 5, 2018 I’m not in the same situation, but just make sure you are both happy. Link to post Share on other sites
BitByBit Posted March 8, 2018 Share Posted March 8, 2018 Hey, I'm more or less in your situation, just a lot deeper (relationship has lasted just over 10 years, with almost no sex for last year or so). My girlfriend is asexual, it's something we've both known for a while but haven't ever really talked about it until recently (at least not directly). Like you I love her and don't want to lose her, but we haven't found a way to compromise which works for both of us. We're not in great shape at the moment, I actually just joined today because I'm also looking for advice. I hope things work out for you guys. The biggest mistake I've made is not communicating. Trust me, procrastinating doesn't make these conversations any easier. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted March 8, 2018 Share Posted March 8, 2018 Moving this to Sexual Partners Friends & Allies from Asexual Relationships Serran Asexual Relationships Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
anamikanon Posted March 8, 2018 Share Posted March 8, 2018 On 05/03/2018 at 7:02 PM, Guest said: its now 9 months of nothing sexual and we’ve spoken about it a couple times to which he replies he’s gunna try harder but that makes me feel bad as I don’t want to force him. I don’t want to lose him as I honestly love him. I just wondered is there anyone else out there one the same situation that could give some advice? We never went that long without sex, because I am not the type to let problems be without discussing them and actively seeking solutions. This is very important if you both are to be happy in the relationship. Some things I have learned that will be useful to you are: If he says he will try, he probably doesn't mind having sex and does want to satisfy you sexually - this is actually a fantastic starting point. Not being interested in sex, he is unlikely to remember the promise when not discussing sex. There are two ways to address this (and I'd recommend using both) - seeing how he can remember more and learning to separate a lack of sexual desire from his desire for you being in his life. What helped my partner remember - this is still work in progress, and I tried many things, but these two really helped. Joking about how my bad moods can be cured with good sex. If I seem excessively cranky, he's quite likely to cuddle me and try to seduce me now, because I helped him understand how sexual frustration manifests in my mood. So now he can recognize it and remember to offer sex, even if on his own he wouldn't have thought of it. Making sex a part of regular intimacy. Appreciating it when cuddles spontaneously extend to masturbation or occasionally asking to be masturbated in intimate moments. He is not averse to this, so he doesn't really see it as all that different from rubbing my back - his example - which he doesn't mind doing at all anytime, everytime. Flat out asking for it when you feel horny. Every time I haven't done this and let my frustration build, I have regretted it. He loves me. He doesn't feel horny for me, but he understands that I do and feels desired by it and is usually willing to engage in whatever brings me pleasure to the best of his ability. This matters. What I had to learn. I had to learn to step back a bit and see the larger picture when I felt unloved or undesired. We easily interpret a lack of sexual interest as a lack of intimate interest in us. This isn't actually true for an asexual, and it helped to see the hundred different ways he shows he loves me to understand that he desires me as a person, he desires me in his life, he treasures my presence in his life. The sexual frustration still sucks, but it doesn't escalate to me feeling unloved in the relationship altogether. This matters, because for us, these things can really escalate into feeling like we don't matter in the relationship. So learning to verify negative feelings is very important. He doesn't sexually desire me. True. He doesn't desire me at all. False. I don't matter. False. He doesn't love me. False. He doesn't feel horny for me. True. And so on. So it doesn't splash all over your life and you can keep a sense of perspective. Link to post Share on other sites
gaogao Posted March 8, 2018 Share Posted March 8, 2018 2 hours ago, anamikanon said: Flat out asking for it when you feel horny. Every time I haven't done this and let my frustration build, I have regretted it. Yes - THIS - Please please Just ask instead of getting annoyed/frustrated that we haven't done anything for ages ;;;; The point is that we're never going to really desire sex so we're 100% fine going without for like nine months and we still love you and think everything is ok unless you tell us in no uncertain terms that you'd quite like a shag asap, please. In my experience, No matter how many times my girlfriend reminds me that sex exists, unless she tells me she wants it point-blank outright at a time when we're both free to maybe do something, I still forget. Either that or your ace has to 100% make the commitment to set manual reminders i.e. on their phone or a brain note like, "at the end of each month, my partner is probably going to get a little frustrated, I must remember that sex exists at this time." BIG NOTE THOUGH: This is only good advice if your partner is actively trying to compromise and is open to occasional sex. You really need to have that conversation first.... and your partner has to understand what sex means to you and where you're coming from (and you have to understand where they are coming from as well). There's a huge mental block around sex for us aces - we know sex is important because society tells us it is, but we have no frame of reference for it within our own experiences so it's a bit baffling. We might resist the idea or have some really weird misconceptions. Please have patience with us as you educate and listen to us when we talk about our experiences as well ... it's very difficult for mixed relationships to work without any mutual understanding. Link to post Share on other sites
Chimeric Posted March 8, 2018 Share Posted March 8, 2018 3 hours ago, gaogao said: You really need to have that conversation first. I agree with this. I wouldn't make the assumption that just because he's done it before means he is open to compromising and having sex more often. Some aces don't mind - some really, really do. Mixed relationships require a lot of communication. They can be tricky to navigate, but they can work. I personally wouldn't link my crankiness to having sex (I'm not very emotional to begin with; if I did this, my partner would feel manipulated). I would also not link cuddling and non-sexual intimacy to sex, mostly because I value those things in and of themselves, but also because I don't want my partner to start thinking every time he initiates something enjoyable for him, it will turn into something vastly unenjoyable for him. But those are the the dynamics in my relationship, and every one will be different. Just start opening the conversation a bit. =) Remember that it isn't that your ace doesn't love you or doesn't want you around, it's just that sex is not how he communicates love and intimacy. Link to post Share on other sites
uhtred Posted March 8, 2018 Share Posted March 8, 2018 Relationships with mixed levels of sexual interest are VERY difficult. Each person hopes things will "improve" but their hopes are in opposite directions. One tends to feel rejected and frustrated, the other pressured and used. Not good. Double plus not good. I've been in a badly mismatched relationship for 30 years now. I really don't recommend it. At least for me its just always there in the background, a cloud over everything. It depends on the person. OP, if you really can feel romantic love without any sexual interest, it might work for you. But if the two are tied to together in your mind (as they are for many people), then this is going to be really difficult. Link to post Share on other sites
Lara Black Posted March 8, 2018 Share Posted March 8, 2018 Hello, Guest. I agree with other comments that the first thing to discuss is what your boyfriend is comfortable with: hand jobs, blow jobs etc. That might seem like a tedious and romance-less conversation, but it’s a necessary one. After that, if your partner is fine with some forms of sex and you don’t want to ask directly, you can agree on specific signs that you want to have sex and you expect him to respond. From what my partner told me, aces don’t see our hints and subtle moves to initiate intimacy, so if you want something to happen, you have to either be blunt or agree on a signal he can remember. I admit, mixed relationships can be hard, but if you can find a balance point that you both enjoy, it can be great. One of the key things, I think, is not to live in hopes of something better – as utred points out, it can ruin a wonderful relationship. If you can take and love what you have, then great. Best wishes. Link to post Share on other sites
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