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I should have known I was asexual when....


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ElasticPlanet

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3 minutes ago, ElasticPlanet said:

Before we knew - exactly!

 

I did hear of asexuality way back in the mid 90s, but nobody around me provided any of the extra knowledge I'd have needed to understand that I myself was asexual. Nobody defined asexuality as lack of sexual attraction. Nobody defined sexual attraction. It would be almost another 20 years before I found out what sexual attraction actually meant, and that it was a thing I had never suspected the existence of before. I've certainly felt romantic attraction, but it's only in the last few years I've been able to put the correct name to it.

Growing up, did you have any friends who appeared to experience sexual attraction, talk about boys, sex and any enjoyable sexual encounters they had been involved in?

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ElasticPlanet
23 minutes ago, James121 said:

did you have any friends who appeared to experience sexual attraction, talk about boys, sex and any enjoyable sexual encounters they had been involved in?

You say "appeared to experience sexual attraction" ... They appeared to experience attraction. I experienced attraction myself. They didn't specify to me all the forms their attraction took, so how was I supposed to know that their experiences included things that mine didn't? If sexual fantasies were mentioned, nobody ever said that those fantasies were a component part of that attraction, and spontaneous and involuntary. I thought sexual fantasies were something you had to work at consciously, like writing a story, and frankly I tried that and lost interest!

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1 minute ago, ElasticPlanet said:

You say "appeared to experience sexual attraction" ... They appeared to experience attraction. I experienced attraction myself. 

I meant those little conversations that lots of young people have. Like when you see a good looking person and then you smile st your friend and the conversation goes something like “He/She was hot........would you?

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ElasticPlanet
2 minutes ago, James121 said:

He/She was hot........would you?

In my social circle, I don't remember that kind of question being phrased in a way that would specifically mean sex and exclude romance-without-sex. Since finding out properly about asexuality in the last few years I've heard a lot of quotes like that one, and been rather amazed (and not in a nice way) to hear that people actually talk like that.

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1 minute ago, ElasticPlanet said:

in the last few years I've heard a lot of quotes like that one, and been rather amazed (and not in a nice way) to hear that people actually talk like that.

How come?

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@ElasticPlanet Yes. That was the same for me. Although some of my friends and classmates in one middle school would show me their favorite magazine with celebrities they had crushes on and ask me whether I liked them, too, after my family moved and I attended different schools, the few friends I'd made didn't discuss things like that: we were nerdy, quiet teens who weren't popular, unlike the extrovert students; we discussed how we weren't interested in dating anyone (because we were more focused on getting good grades at school), how our parents didn't want us dating, etc.

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14 hours ago, James121 said:

Oh hi ceebs. How pleasant it is of you and sally to hunt me down to continue your attempts at shutting me down. Have I engaged you here? No. So why hunt me down? It’s interesting that you even recognised that you may well have breached TOS in one of your last outbursts and I see you are still here. Probably would have been different if I had said such a thing.

And I've been here for 10+ years (can't remember the year).   I am definitely not hunting you down.  I'm reading and replying in threads for which I have interest; the fact that you seem to be following those threads is a definite disadvantage for me.  

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ElasticPlanet
1 minute ago, James121 said:

How come?

You mean, how come I was amazed by the idea of people saying stuff like “He/She was hot........would you?" ?

 

Well, I find it a tiny bit gross, frankly. I do now anyway. In my late teens, while consciously looking for some kind of interest in sex as I was at that time, and less aware of the squicky elements of it due to inexperience, I might well have found it easier to hear that kind of talk. It might even have actually happened and I found it unremarkable enough that I forgot it and that's why I now can't recall it ever happening... I dunno.

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5 minutes ago, Sally said:

And I've been here for 10+ years (can't remember the year).   I am definitely not hunting you down.  I'm reading and replying in threads for which I have interest; the fact that you seem to be following those threads is a definite disadvantage for me.  

Sally you have mail.

 

I have two admirers now. Bit of competition @Ceebs.

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4 minutes ago, ElasticPlanet said:

You mean, how come I was amazed by the idea of people saying stuff like “He/She was hot........would you?" ?

 

Well, I find it a tiny bit gross, frankly. I do now anyway. In my late teens, while consciously looking for some kind of interest in sex as I was at that time, and less aware of the squicky elements of it due to inexperience, I might well have found it easier to hear that kind of talk. It might even have actually happened and I found it unremarkable enough that I forgot it and that's why I now can't recall it ever happening... I dunno.

Thanks for the explanation.

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40 minutes ago, James121 said:

I meant those little conversations that lots of young people have. Like when you see a good looking person and then you smile st your friend and the conversation goes something like “He/She was hot........would you?

Well asexuals can and do actually still find people attractive to look at. And no, not all sexual people want to actually have sex with the people they find attractive. So those kinds of conversations aren't necessarily a good indication one way or another for people who do experience other forms of attraction.

 

It's been explained to you so often though, in so many different ways, that you've now made it very clear you'll never be able to understand. As I said in the other thread, you're choosing willful ignorance so I don't think anyone should continue wasting their time trying to explain this to you. You're choosing not to understand and there's nothing any of us can do about that.

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17 minutes ago, James121 said:

Sally you have mail.

 

I have two admirers now. Bit of competition @Ceebs.

Hopefully you didn't message Sally anything vile.

 

And no, people don't admire you. They are frustrated with your willful ignorance and lack of ability to understand even the most basic things that have been explained to you time and time again. There's a huge difference 

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CEEBS. I call a truce. You can not seriously consider reporting me since you engaged me and I simply responded. You appear not to like me or my views which is fine. Let’s both agree to call it a day!

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36 minutes ago, Ficto. said:

Well asexuals can and do actually still find people attractive to look at. And no, not all sexual people want to actually have sex with the people they find attractive. So those kinds of conversations aren't necessarily a good indication one way or another for people who do experience other forms of attraction.

(Me slowly putting my hand up)

 

That was one of the first things my friend commented when I came out as asexual to him. "What about you commenting 

Spoiler

that a girl is cute looking, has a nice rack, pretty face....

when we've been out and about?"

 

"I don't know (shrugging my shoulders). Apparently there is aesthetic attraction."

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On 1/13/2019 at 7:47 PM, James121 said:

Did you consider telling your partner this?

Oh yes, we had that conversation quite some time ago.

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Fluffy Femme Guy
On 1/14/2019 at 6:25 PM, will123 said:

That was one of the first things my friend commented when I came out as asexual to him. "What about you commenting 

  Reveal hidden contents

that a girl is cute looking, has a nice rack, pretty face....

when we've been out and about?"

 

"I don't know (shrugging my shoulders). Apparently there is aesthetic attraction."

It's certainly one of the stranger things to explain, since usually in allosexuals all or most the different types of attraction converge, or at least there is very heavy overlap, but these tend to be much more separate in aces. Also, one or more of the 'categories' may be completely absent.

It can cause some situations like the one you describe if the other people don't know or simply can't understand at all.

But I totally get this. Heck, I've even used phrases like "that's super hot" or "she's really sexy" completely free of irony, even though I wouldn't want to 'get between the sheets' with any of them.
Apparently my brain/mind can recognize, understand, and appreciate 'sexy'/'erotic' things, but I don't feel a need to do anything with those feelings.
Taking a look and thinking "Mmm...niiiiice.",etc. is enough.

I also have a big aesthetic streak. Some people just look nice, in a totally non-sexual way, and I love it when good looking people have an interesting fashion sense.

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I still don't know why I didn't consider those obvious situations as big hints about my asexuality:

 

-When I was 17 to 19, I prefered to do my homework rather than having sex with any of my horny girlfriend of the moment.

-When my friends were saying how nice the ass of a girl was and I was like "Well, it's...an ass, I guess."

-When a girl started to grind on me in a bar and I asked if she was okay rather than understanding what she was doing. (It easier as a spectator to see this as flirting)

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1 hour ago, Fluffy Femme Guy said:

I also have a big aesthetic streak. Some people just look nice, in a totally non-sexual way, and I love it when good looking people have an interesting fashion sense.

A lot of this.
While I don't appreciate "sexy" looks as such, I definitely prefer some looks to others. Aesthetic attraction and/or preferences can be quite variable though none of that implies any desire for sexual or even romantic involvement. I guess it's just nice to see nice looking people sometimes?

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10 hours ago, Fluffy Femme Guy said:

It's certainly one of the stranger things to explain, since usually in allosexuals all or most the different types of attraction converge, or at least there is very heavy overlap, but these tend to be much more separate in aces. Also, one or more of the 'categories' may be completely absent.

It can cause some situations like the one you describe if the other people don't know or simply can't understand at all.

But I totally get this. Heck, I've even used phrases like "that's super hot" or "she's really sexy" completely free of irony, even though I wouldn't want to 'get between the sheets' with any of them.
Apparently my brain/mind can recognize, understand, and appreciate 'sexy'/'erotic' things, but I don't feel a need to do anything with those feelings.
Taking a look and thinking "Mmm...niiiiice.",etc. is enough.

I also have a big aesthetic streak. Some people just look nice, in a totally non-sexual way, and I love it when good looking people have an interesting fashion sense.

Thus it can be easy to see why probably back in the back of my mind, I didn't really know what was going on.

 

'I can be friendly with females, but have no interest in relationships and/or sex with them'

'I'm not homosexual because I have no attraction to males' Which I along with a lot of others, know/knew as the only alternative to heterosexuality (excluding bisexuality).

'I like to look at females in real life and porn'

 

When I did discover asexuality, it was such a relief and I finally knew my true identity. I didn't put two and two together to realise I was aro as well until a year or so ago.

 

On the bold, yes, just watching a woman in a business suit will grab my attention...

'

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On 1/12/2019 at 10:06 PM, nerdperson777 said:

I took the factual route and originally thought sexy meant showing a lot of cleavage. I had not heard of guys being sexy at that point but I later understood that as showing more chest too. 

So apparently for allos, more chest = better????

On 1/13/2019 at 12:05 AM, PaintedOrchid said:

One of them the guy was the “omg I’m in love with you after meeting you once” type which pretty much threw me into panic mode and I ended that immediately.

Fun story actually. So I went to homecoming this year and hung out with my friends. Two of my friends had brought twins that they were friends with. I found out that one of them liked me and so I subconsciously pressured myself into liking him back. About a week later, I went to my friend's birthday party and the twins were there. We went into B&N and they wouldn't. leave. me. alone. They kept following me around and I told them to stop and leave me alone numerous times. They laughed it off and continued. Eventually, I threatened them with the fact that I was conveniently near a thing with pencils on it and I could stab (or kill) them with pencils. I told them I would stab them if they didn't leave me alone. I turned around and started to walk off. Then I turned around and told them I was 100% serious and not to try me because they were starting to follow me again. I ran off and hid under a table. The friend whose birthday party it was found me and hung out with me for the rest of the time.

I am 15 years old.

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10 minutes ago, Miss Who said:

Fun story actually. So I went to homecoming this year and hung out with my friends. Two of my friends had brought twins that they were friends with. I found out that one of them liked me and so I subconsciously pressured myself into liking him back. About a week later, I went to my friend's birthday party and the twins were there. We went into B&N and they wouldn't. leave. me. alone. They kept following me around and I told them to stop and leave me alone numerous times. They laughed it off and continued. Eventually, I threatened them with the fact that I was conveniently near a thing with pencils on it and I could stab (or kill) them with pencils. I told them I would stab them if they didn't leave me alone. I turned around and started to walk off. Then I turned around and told them I was 100% serious and not to try me because they were starting to follow me again. I ran off and hid under a table. The friend whose birthday party it was found me and hung out with me for the rest of the time.

I am 15 years old.

Wow... this is just...
sleepy_creepy.jpg
Sorry something like that happened to you =\

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1 minute ago, StomachGod said:

Wow... this is just...
sleepy_creepy.jpg
Sorry something like that happened to you =\

Thank you. They are both blocked from my phone. Plus, at least one of my friends will be full out ready to start a war if they try anything. And it's a shame, because their little sister is the best.

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  • 4 weeks later...

I know this sounds stupid, but I used to not believe in hormones. (Especially sex hormones, but other types too by extension.) I've always though they sounded made-up.

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When my boyfriend (ex) would send me nudes,  and I'd text back "ooo, sexy ;)" , but in my mind I was thinking "EEEEW GROSS STOP IT!!" I finally got him to stop by saying I was worried other people might see it.  Thank god we were in a long distance relationship.  Lol were still friends and he now knows i'm ace.

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1 hour ago, Ytterbium said:

I know this sounds stupid, but I used to not believe in hormones. (Especially sex hormones, but other types too by extension.) I've always though they sounded made-up.

Most of the interesting bits of science sound made up, how much is real? XD

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Already at school over 25 years ago people were so interest in sex and everything about it and only thing i cared about when the next episode of B5 and Ds9 is coming from TV.

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On 2/8/2019 at 3:33 PM, Zefron said:

When my boyfriend (ex) would send me nudes,  and I'd text back "ooo, sexy ;)" , but in my mind I was thinking "EEEEW GROSS STOP IT!!" I finally got him to stop by saying I was worried other people might see it.  Thank god we were in a long distance relationship.  Lol were still friends and he now knows i'm ace.

I would have thought the poor guy could not afford clothes and sent him a care package.

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