Confusion all over the place

[Catronaut]

So I’ve had the question wether I’m asexual or not for about a year now and I’m still really confused. 

 

I’m a 17 year old girl and I’ve never had sex or even a relationship. I had a sex drive pretty early on and I masturbated quite often. Now I still masturbate, but I don’t do it that often. When I do masturbate I don’t experience that sex drive as I used and I don’t particularly feel much need to do it at all. 

 

I think sex scenes in movies are unnecessary and sometimes I’m repulsed by them(it depends on how I guess). I don’t think love and sex really go together. I mostly think sex is a way of people being used. Therefore I thought I could just not want to have sex with anyone I have an emotional bond with. 

 

I haven’t been in a relationship yet, but I do want to. When I think about how that would be, I mostly just think of cuddling and kissing. 

 

I also think the male genitalia are kind of gross. I don’t think female genitalia are gross, but I don’t think of it as “attractive”.  

 

I’m a virgin, but I do want to have had sex. It’s only after that one time that I think I won’t really feel the need to do it. Maybe it’s the societal pressure that I want to have had sex at least once or maybe because I do really want to have sex, I don’t know... I honestly wouldn’t mind if I had a relationship and the other one didn’t want to have sex. 

 

As I’m writing this I’m confusing myself even more... Maybe I’m not an asexual, maybe I’m not straight, maybe I’m just a late bloomer, but can someone please help me figure this out??

[TheAP]

If you want to have sex just because of societal pressure and not for sexual pleasure, you could be asexual.

[IronDragonfly]

You can be asexual and have a sex drive. Asexuality is the lack of sexual attraction towards particular individuals.

 

You may see sex as a way to relieve a physical urge, which is why you may not have a desire to engage in it with a romantic partner. That's completely okay to feel that way, but consider it may also be negative conditioning. Sex is simply an act, and two people who feel attraction to each other, that goes beyond the physical, can use sex as an emotional expression. Again, that may not be the case for you, but I'm just putting it out there. If you have mental desire to try sex to know that it's like, but don't actually feel physical desire towards a specific person, you may definitely be asexual.

 

Also, unrelated, but according to many allosexuals (non-asexuals) I know, they don't find genitalia particularly attractive either.

[NickNiebs]

Hey!

 

From what I've read, your story sounds similar to mine.  I don't want to make this about me, this is your post, but if I can help validate your feelings a bit more, then great! 

 

I'm 21 years old, and I also masturbated quite frequently when I was younger, around the age of 12 all the way to the end of high school. And I had a pretty high sex drive, too, for that time, though I never had a relationship in high school or had sex. It wasn't until I had my first serious relationship in university, when I was 20, that my sex drive kind of dropped. I also felt a bit of a disconnect between love and sex, and while I would still have it, I didn't feel it was necessary. Cuddling and kissing were all that I needed for physical intimacy, and I could do without sex. 

 

My girlfriend and I have broken up since then, but now, my situation with masturbation is similar to yours. I still do it, but less frequently, and there's not much of a sex drive behind it. I just kind of do it to relieve stress every once in a while. 

 

Now that I'm done talking about myself (thanks for bearing with me, haha), I think that you can totally identify as asexual, even if you had a much higher sex drive earlier in life. Sexuality is fluid, so your feelings and attitudes towards sex can and are allowed to change at any point. 

 

In terms of how you feel about perhaps wanting to try having sex, it could be societal pressure to have sex (society's messages about sex downright suck sometimes, haha). But if you've never had sex before, sex can also be incredibly fascinating, even if you don't have much of a sex drive. For the longest time, I was simply curious how it felt physically. If with whoever you might end up with in the future you want to try to have sex, so you can explore more how you feel about it, that is SO flippin understandable. And, whoever you're with should not pressure you, either, and support you as you discover yourself and your sexuality. YOU decide if you want to have sex or not. Nobody else. 

 

That was quite a ramble on my part, haha. If any of this was helpful or eases some of your confusion, again, that's great! I hope I didn't misunderstand what you were saying, if I was, then there are lots of others who I bet are willing to listen as well. 

 

One last thing, and I just want to check, are you aware of sex-repulsed, sex-neutral, and sex-positive asexuality? I'm quite new to the asexual community, so I'm not sure if like, everyone knows of those terms, or not. There's a really great YouTube video that explains this and other asexuality topics. I could send you the link if you were interested. 

 

Take care! 

 

 

 

 

[MyOwnMercury]

3 hours ago, Catronaut said:

Maybe I’m not an asexual, maybe I’m not straight, maybe I’m just a late bloomer, but can someone please help me figure this out??

Hi. This is awkward. 

I’ve been around here since December, not that long at all really, so I cannot promise that I can be much help, but I remember posting something just like this when I first joined, and the first response anyone ever gave me was, “you’re already you, you just have to find you.” So it doesn’t have to happen right away, maybe do what I do and be an asexual with no labels, but even if you are a late bloomer, or whatever you want to think, you’ll find that when it happens. 

I know telling people to calm down doesn’t help. Ever. But what I’m saying is just don’t wear yourself out worrying too much. I believe you’ll discover yourself, just live life and pay attention. 

Hope I helped. Somehow. (And I’ll be keeping up on this, too, so let me know what happens as you “figure this out”. )

[Catronaut]

7 hours ago, NickNiebs said:

Hey!

 

From what I've read, your story sounds similar to mine.  I don't want to make this about me, this is your post, but if I can help validate your feelings a bit more, then great! 

 

I'm 21 years old, and I also masturbated quite frequently when I was younger, around the age of 12 all the way to the end of high school. And I had a pretty high sex drive, too, for that time, though I never had a relationship in high school or had sex. It wasn't until I had my first serious relationship in university, when I was 20, that my sex drive kind of dropped. I also felt a bit of a disconnect between love and sex, and while I would still have it, I didn't feel it was necessary. Cuddling and kissing were all that I needed for physical intimacy, and I could do without sex. 

 

My girlfriend and I have broken up since then, but now, my situation with masturbation is similar to yours. I still do it, but less frequently, and there's not much of a sex drive behind it. I just kind of do it to relieve stress every once in a while. 

 

Now that I'm done talking about myself (thanks for bearing with me, haha), I think that you can totally identify as asexual, even if you had a much higher sex drive earlier in life. Sexuality is fluid, so your feelings and attitudes towards sex can and are allowed to change at any point. 

 

In terms of how you feel about perhaps wanting to try having sex, it could be societal pressure to have sex (society's messages about sex downright suck sometimes, haha). But if you've never had sex before, sex can also be incredibly fascinating, even if you don't have much of a sex drive. For the longest time, I was simply curious how it felt physically. If with whoever you might end up with in the future you want to try to have sex, so you can explore more how you feel about it, that is SO flippin understandable. And, whoever you're with should not pressure you, either, and support you as you discover yourself and your sexuality. YOU decide if you want to have sex or not. Nobody else. 

 

That was quite a ramble on my part, haha. If any of this was helpful or eases some of your confusion, again, that's great! I hope I didn't misunderstand what you were saying, if I was, then there are lots of others who I bet are willing to listen as well. 

 

One last thing, and I just want to check, are you aware of sex-repulsed, sex-neutral, and sex-positive asexuality? I'm quite new to the asexual community, so I'm not sure if like, everyone knows of those terms, or not. There's a really great YouTube video that explains this and other asexuality topics. I could send you the link if you were interested. 

 

Take care! 

 

 

 

 

Thanks for your reply! It’s great to hear about your story and I can definitely see how similar it is. I think that like you it may be important for me to have had a serious relationship first and maybe I can figure some more out from that. Your story was really helpful with easing my mind a bit. I thought I might just had a very weird confused state with all kinds of opposite thoughts. Glad to see someone else shares these thoughts as well. 

 

If I may ask, do you now identify as asexual or somewhere on the spectrum? 

 

I have heard about the terms of sex-repulsed, sex-neutral and sex-positive, but I don’t exactly know what it all means. If you could send the link, that’ll be great! Thanks for your help with all of this! 

[Catronaut]

7 hours ago, MyOwnMercury said:

Hi. This is awkward. 

I’ve been around here since December, not that long at all really, so I cannot promise that I can be much help, but I remember posting something just like this when I first joined, and the first response anyone ever gave me was, “you’re already you, you just have to find you.” So it doesn’t have to happen right away, maybe do what I do and be an asexual with no labels, but even if you are a late bloomer, or whatever you want to think, you’ll find that when it happens. 

I know telling people to calm down doesn’t help. Ever. But what I’m saying is just don’t wear yourself out worrying too much. I believe you’ll discover yourself, just live life and pay attention. 

Hope I helped. Somehow. (And I’ll be keeping up on this, too, so let me know what happens as you “figure this out”. )

Thanks for sharing these words. I think you’re absolutely right and that I should just see about it along the way. I wear myself out too much with trying to figure out who I am exactly because I think it’s very important to know yourself. While doing that I always confuse myself and never get answers. I think I will do the same as you to just now be an asexual with no actual labels. It’s good to know that there are people who don’t label themselves and will see along the way. You’re an example for me when it comes to living without worrying about it too much and just see what happens. I’ll do mu best and try to live this way. 

 

And I’ll absolutely tell you if I do figure this confusion out. At least you’ve already helped me with a great part of this  

 

 

[MyOwnMercury]

10 hours ago, Catronaut said:

You’re an example for me when it comes to living without worrying about it too much and just see what happens. I’ll do mu best and try to live this way

I’m so glad I could help. Happy adventuring!