Jump to content

what am i?? what is this??


she turned me into a newt

Recommended Posts

she turned me into a newt

okay, so I'm struggling to put this into words. I'm currently identifying as grey aro,  but I don't really get romance. I'd normally just quietly stalk the forum till I found roughly what I'm looking for but I cant seem to get my questions on romance answered that way, so here I am.

basically, I've had some kind of squish/crushes before (I have trouble figuring out what they'd be classified as) but what I actually want isn't on the level of what people seem to think when they think romance. like, valentines, and romance movies and stuff sound like some bull sheet to me, and what I want from a relationship seems to be more just intense friendship(is that a thing?). 

I can imagine taking long walks on the beach at night~ but I imagine it involving trying to catch seaweed with our feet because the sand crocodile we just made absolutely MUST be green and slimy

or getting married- but mostly as an excuse to get all our family and friends together and just generally be goofs, like making the dress code for it be mandatory sweat pants and the cheapest neon suitcoat you found on ebay that fit you.

I don't know. I like cuddles like a LOT but everything I imagine doing with them are things id be perfectly happy doing with a best friend or my family?

is this just a weird version of romance?

is this a QPR?

am I just emotionally on level with a 12yo?

 

I really don't care what the answer is, I just want some way to understand this and explain it to someone else without running in circles and sounding like a dumbass. I think? AM I NORMAL?!?!

Link to post
Share on other sites

Nobody is normal. 

 

You just have your own way of romance and that. Not everyone is the same when it comes to romance. There are different types and how people desire it. 

 

For example I can't imagine being attached to the hip and being in sync and stuff I'd go bloody mad that way. 

 

It all differs on what people want. 

 

For friendship I desire something that is more in sync and goofing around while romance I don't want the sync and then I don't think I could handle being do serious and romancy like in movies. It's just to much. 

 

So it differs a lot. 

Link to post
Share on other sites

Welcome to AVEN, @she turned me into a newt

Have some cake:

6b1f69cf892baf07f2c9fb3556c81e3c.jpg

I too don't understand romance. The stereotypical romantic stuff just feels kind of awkward to me (giving flowers, valentines, kissing). What I used to think of as a crush is really just a desire to spend a lot of time around someone. Then it usually develops into a desire for hugging and cuddling. I recently heard of something called a lush, I think. A lush is a "sensual crush", or just being attracted to someone in a sensual way.

 

What you described with the collecting seaweed for your sand alligator and cheaping out on a wedding just to goof off to break the tension does indeed to seem potentially QPR-ish.

 

As far as how to explain it to other people, I guess you could just say you just aren't that into dating (if that is true), but that you do like forming close platonic relationships beyond what other people would consider "just friends". And your liking cuddles may be simply just that - you get really attracted to someone just by cuddling without it meaning anything romantic. Much like someone may really enjoy cuddling a favorite cat.

Link to post
Share on other sites
winchester.kaz2y5

I have a similar issue, I have trouble defining the difference between having a crush and just being desperate for intense friendship. I think I'm panromantic but then again I might just crave friendship, so I'm just kind of a mess. I've also come to terms with it though, I'll love who I love and be friends with who I want, screw the labels. 

Link to post
Share on other sites

I don't know whether I'm even getting the right nuance of romance, as most people understand it. I see a lot of grey area between a close platonic friendship, and romance for an asexual.  What distinguishes a deep emotional bond with a person of the sex(es) you are attracted to, the sex(es) you view in a purely platonic sense, from a romantic relationship? You may want to cuddle and hug with a platonic friend, and sense a deep feeling of comfort and connection when you are with them. That friend may give you chocolate and take you out for meals. But then, that person  could well be a really close "buddy"!

 

The best I can make out of this dilemma is that with a person of the sex(es) you are emotionally attracted to, but wouldn't want to do anything with physically, you can fantasize a sexual scenario, while with the others, it doesn't even occur to you to envision anything of the nature. So as a hetero female, I would love it if a close woman friend or close platonic male friend gave me chocolates and took me out to dinner on my birthday (or to celebrate a work achievement), and hugged me at the end of the evening, that feeling of closeness and connection would be just that. The End. Amen. But if a man I have crush on did the same thing, I would get a tingling/ exciting feeling at the end of it, but that would never progress beyond intimate touching and translate into actual sex, even after repeated romantic evenings. (Although I may go home and fantasize about a Close Encounter with him!) 

Link to post
Share on other sites

I'm in a QPR and, well, you pretty much read my mind for the ideal scenario. Basically, I've always seen marriage as a thing you do with best friends. And then I thought I was weird for thinking that for a while, and then I found AVEN and went ooooooohhhhh okay, I still like marriage as a best friend thing. So yes that definitely sounds very QPR-esque. It can even include more typical romantic couple kind of things like kissing sometimes, some QPRs have kids, it depends on what you guys wanted.

 

Grey-romantic would be rare or uncommon romantic feelings, demiromantic is developing romantic feelings after establishing a very strong platonic bond, and aromantic is just not experiencing romantic attraction. There are many other, much more unique labels such as lithromantic or cupio-romantic (I would consider myself somewhat the latter, which is basically a fascination of romantic relationships, but I use aromantic as my label because it still describes me better.)

 

Figuring out the difference between squishes and crushes is  a very painful task. However, if it's a painful task, that's a pretty good sign already that you're somewhere on the aro spec. As well, romantic and platonic jealousy are very different. If you get jealous when someone attractive is flirting with your person of interest and you're bothered, then that's more romantic. But if you couldn't care less who they dated as long as they have time for you, then that's more squishy. Wanting to kiss the person can also sometimes be an aromantic desire, but the lack of it is a pretty good indicator of that being aro. 

 

Honestly, the thing that made me realize I was aromantic was my friend, now QPP. They're hyper-romantic (a QPR with a hyper-romantic and an aromantic, it's pretty hilarious honestly), so they have multiple crushes at the same time as a normal thing (that's not normal for the average romantic person) and so I found it absolutely fascinating to listen to, and I slowly got more and more baffled by things like why they happened and why they liked who they did. Apparently, my response to the first person to confess a crush to me ("But why do you like me?") was not horribly normal. Especially because the person didn't really give me a straight answer, so I didn't take their feelings seriously and was a bit of a jerk...

 

Sorting things out squish/crush wise is really hard. Remember there's infatuations, which are more like admiring them as a person particularly for achievements, sensual attraction which is wanting to hug or cuddle or basically non-sexual touch, and most importantly, aesthetic attraction. I've had aesthetic attractions that I've mistaken for crushes, but they were just shallow admirations of "damn those eyebrows on fleek" and overall appreciating what they look like. So take your time sorting these things out, it's complicated and confusing (for aromantics especially... if this is daunting, again, that's a pretty good indicator...) Anyhoo, good luck :D And welcome! :cake:

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • 1 month later...
she turned me into a newt

Thanks for all your replies guys. This has helped a lot!

Link to post
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...