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Confused or Stubborn


VirginRose

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I have a male friend (I use the term friend lightly, we don't hang out that much.) Who repeatedly asks me questions about my asexuality. And it always seems to lead back to one very annoying question. Would you ever have sex? And it usually has something tacked on like 'if you were really close to them' or 'if it was just casual'. As if he's trying to find loopholes. And often I humor his questions while specifying everything as purely hypothetical. Because while an idea might seem appealing in theory, it can lead to panic attacks if put into action.

 

I have put a lot of emphasis on the fact that if I ever were to even attempt such intimacy, it would take a lot of work from both me and my partner. I explain that almost all arousal on my part is purely mental, and would most likely not involve my partner at all. If anything I'd have to actively ignore the fact that they were touching me (PTSD and slight haphephobia making that impossible) , lest I lose all arousal and succumb to pain. Which would not only be unfair to me, but my partner as well. And even if I could manage enough enjoyment, we would still need artificial lubricant.

 

At this point my friend starts asking what kinks and fetishes are. He doesn't get it. I don't know how to explain it because it purely mental for me. I don't engage in any of the things I think about. I simply enploy them onto my favorite fictional characters. I don't like to involve myself in my fantasies at all. And at this point I'm not sure if my friend is intellectually curious, a stealthy perv looking for fap material, or just a really sheltered dude. He lives with his mom because he has epilepsy, and she is extremely touchy on such subjects. She involves the church in everything and is preachy against homosexuality. It doesn't help that I'm pretty sure he's bisexual. I get it. I'm sheltered too, due to my autism, and living with my mom, but that never stopped me from learning online. So I can't tell if he's just confused and curious,  or trying to work me into agreeing to something I wouldn't like. Either way It's exhausting and I'm really starting to remember why I avoid offline friendship in the first place.

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MyOwnMercury
13 minutes ago, VirginRose said:

I don't know how to explain it because it purely mental for me. I don't engage in any of the things I think about. I simply enploy them onto my favorite fictional characters. I don't like to involve myself in my fantasies at all

First off, this is perfectly clear to me. Have you explained this to your friend just as I have here? I do the same thing, honestly, just an fyi. 

When I first discovered asexuality and told people, I was questioned a lot about arousal and masturbation, like I was supposed to PROVE I was ace, and sometimes it gets uncomfortable and you wonder why someone is asking, just as you’ve described. You don’t have to answer anything you don’t want to, but maybe ask this friend just flat-out why he’s asking these questions and go from there. The biggest thing is if it bothers you, address it. I hope that helped somehow.

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11 hours ago, MyOwnMercury said:

First off, this is perfectly clear to me. Have you explained this to your friend just as I have here? I do the same thing, honestly, just an fyi. 

When I first discovered asexuality and told people, I was questioned a lot about arousal and masturbation, like I was supposed to PROVE I was ace, and sometimes it gets uncomfortable and you wonder why someone is asking, just as you’ve described. You don’t have to answer anything you don’t want to, but maybe ask this friend just flat-out why he’s asking these questions and go from there. The biggest thing is if it bothers you, address it. I hope that helped somehow.

Thank you. I often have trouble gauging people's reasoning. Even if a lot of people see me as naive and trusting, I'm actually constantly on guard and suspicious. Even towards family. I constantly wonder if every sentence has some double meaning or hidden intent that I'm not getting. And often I'm wrong. Instead of straight up asking, I usually end up hiding away and stewing in my suspicions and mistrust. It's a real problem. I'd rather fester than approach them with unfounded accusations and loaded questions. I walk on eggshells trying not to piss anyone off, just as they do trying not to upset me. It's confusing and I wish I could stop.

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