Realisation and Relationships?

[BarioFiesta]

Hi everyone. I'm currently going through what I'd best describe as a mid-life sexual identity crisis, since actively identifying that I am asexual. For years, even with a partner, I never thought about sex with them in the traditional sense. I never really had a drive for actual sex growing up.

 

I've now reached my early 30's, and keep contemplating my future. I'm currently single, and don't really want a partner, yet creeping feelings of loneliness occasionally seep through. The thing is, I now feel that I have absolutely nothing to offer a potential female, considering I now understand that am repulsed by the act of sex. Obviously, I'd rather ensure that a partner could get everything they so desire, and must face the facts that I cannot support them in an intimate fashion due to being completely broken.

 

The thing is, I do really enjoy hugs, kisses and other intimate acts. I feel that this is what I miss. But if I cannot sexually function, do I deserve to even waste someone else's time? I'm not exactly the most human knife in the drawer, and this just makes me feel even less capable. If I cannot give a woman satisfaction, how do I expect one to be with me? I withheld sex for 3 years in my first, longest relationship (I had no idea at the time, I just thought I didn't want to rush into things). I now look back and feel she may have been hurt by this, feeling like she wasn't worth it. Especially when she tried to "take control" and nothing happened.

 

The bottom line of what I'm trying to say, is that although I'm obviously incompatible with human relationships, I don't feel like I can bear to be alone for however long I end up lasting upon this earth. Has anyone else felt so worthless, and what are the best coping methods?

[MyOwnMercury]

Oh, dear, I’m sorry. It’s interesting because I’m still young, it’s hard for me to think about this. I don’t really see myself wth anyone sexually in the future, and I have thought of this, as in, will my partner be hurt by my lack of passion? Because it doesn’t affect my love for them, right? It’s probably different being a girl in that situation, but my advice across the generations is to keep putting yourself out there, maybe just have some really close friends, who knows? But no matter what age you are, don’t give up on yourself and relationships just yet. I hope that helped, I’m still new to this. I hope your situation gets better, I know how loneliness feels. 

[MyOwnMercury]

1 hour ago, BarioFiesta said:

Has anyone else felt so worthless, and what are the best coping methods?

I use my friendships and my hobbies as my coping methods, forgot to mention that. But no matter how we feel, no one is worthless. We all have immeasurable worth and value, sometimes others (and ourselves) just miss that. 

[roland.o]

Hello @BarioFiesta, welcome to the AVEN forums! Have some cake...

 

2 hours ago, BarioFiesta said:

a mid-life sexual identity crisis [...] I've now reached my early 30's

I've had what I quipped to be a mid-life crisis in my mid-twenties, and another in my mid-fourties. Luckily, my thirties went rather sommthly. I'm not writing this to invalidate your feelings, just to let you know that I've been there as well.

 

2 hours ago, BarioFiesta said:

The thing is, I now feel that I have absolutely nothing to offer a potential female, considering I now understand that am repulsed by the act of sex.

You're overrating sex - which is not unusual, considering its importance in media and contemporary as well as historic arts. For the same reason, you're falling into the trap of considering a sexual relationship as the only kind "real" coupled relationship. And your lack of interest as well as experience in sexual relationships makes you feel broken, as you phrase it. I'm a 47 year old male virgin, so again: I've been there.

One important difference between us though is that I am not asexual. I would actually like to engage in a sexual relationship, which doesn't make it any easier to admit to a potential partner that I have no prior experience.

 

Now, here are some things I recommend you think about:

 

There is a wide range of relationships. Acquaintances, friends, good friends, close and trusted friends. There is romance, which is distinct from sensuality, which is distinct from sexuality. In other words, there is a lot more to relationships than just sex. And there are people who have sex, but still fail to establish relationships, because they are lacking in other qualities. For starters, you could read through the different types of attraction. This has helped me a lot in figuring out what I desire and where I stand:

http://wiki.asexuality.org/Attraction

 

You are not worthless, by no means, ever. You do have relations with the rest of the world. You have a place in this world, and you can contribute to human society in many ways. Without participating in an act that is repulsive to you.

 

3 hours ago, BarioFiesta said:

But if I cannot sexually function, do I deserve to even waste someone else's time?

What do you know about someone else's values and desires? Seriously, give it a thought. You are assuming that everybody else enters relationships to have sex. What makes you think so? Sure, many people do. But even if it is almost everybody, there are several billion people living on this planet. Even 1% of that makes several tens of million people that don't fit your assumption. And even those who are looking for sex as part of a relationship may have other priorities.

 

You can look out for a partner that doesn't want sex, and is fine with just cuddling and similar sensual experiences. It won't be easy, and you shouldn't assume to get it right on the first attempt, with the first candidate. That's not how relationships work, be they sexual or non-sexual.

 

As a kind of roadmap:

- Figure out what you desire, what you despise, and where you might compromise. You wrote a few things above, so you're already on a good path.

- Cherish your friendships, and the non-coupled relationships you have. If you feel that you have no friends, or that all of your friends have moved on into relationships, get back in contact with old friends. Friends in relationships may have different priorities and less time than they used to, but if they were true friends, they will still be. Spend some time with them.

- Make new friends. Not to find a partner, but to spend time with people, to connect, to warm up to them. One mistake I made was to emotionally retire from the world. Even though I had friends, I didn't really open up to them, and had this big, gaping hole in my life where I wanted a significant other to be.

- Find self-esteem. That's probably the hardest part, but also the most crucial. You wrote that you're feeling broken. I felt the same way, and I was always secretly hoping to meet someone who would become my partner and make me feel whole. It doesn't work that way. You need to accept yourself, including your shortcomings. And if you meet a potential partner, you will have to open up to them, and show yourself, and let them decide whether you are worth their time. And you have to accept if they declare that you are.

- Accept that things may end, and cherish what you get. If you find and warm up to a potential partner, don't consider it your one and only chance, your make-or-break moment. It would put too much pressure on the developing relationship and ruin it for sure. Of course that is entangled with the question of self-esteem. You'll have to take your time, see how the relationship develops, maybe nudge it once in a while into the direction you'd like it to move, and communicate with your partner. This may lead to break-ups after some time. But even then, you will have spent some quality time together.

 

I don't expect you to internalize this immediately. And it's very generic advice, really, and I don't want to babble on endlessly. Take your time to get to terms with yourself. You'll always be welcome on the AVEN forums, and you can ask for more advice, or share more of yourself, over time. If you read around here, you'll find many people who would prefer sexless relationships. You're certainly not alone.

 

 

 

[BarioFiesta]

Thank you @MyOwnMercury & @roland.o. I really appreciate your thoughts.

 

22 hours ago, MyOwnMercury said:

maybe just have some really close friends, who knows?

I have a few close friends, but have never had any real female friends. Looking at it, I feels it's a coping mechanism I developed from a young age, where I actively avoided women or kinda acted slightly weird to scare them away, as to not end up having unrequited feelings, thus removing the potential for rejection. I've only had 2 relationships in my time, totalling 4 years of my life so far. I often feel I've missed out on so much fun and experimentation in my youth, I really feel like recapturing it. The only thing is, it's a bit odd for a 32-year-old to attempt to date someone in their early 20's, because of the significant age gap.

 

19 hours ago, roland.o said:

You're overrating sex - which is not unusual, considering its importance in media and contemporary as well as historic arts. For the same reason, you're falling into the trap of considering a sexual relationship as the only kind "real" coupled relationship. And your lack of interest as well as experience in sexual relationships makes you feel broken, as you phrase it.

 

I remember talking to my stepfather about my first relationship after I had ended it. When I told him I hadn't had sex for the whole 3 years he kinda expressed shock, stating that it's an integral part of a connection between couples. My reasoning at the time was that I didn't want to rush things, and I thought I was being a good boyfriend by doing so. She never questioned anything, so why would I think otherwise? From there I questioned myself, and vowed not to make the same mistake again. Yet when I pushed myself to engage in sex with my second partner, I still couldn't get it to work, it just never felt right. To me, it felt like a mistake.

 

A part of me wants to rejoin the dating websites, yet at the same time I don't feel I have the patience for the constant rejection and having to go through meeting new people. Suffering anxiety and depression doesn't help, though I am now taking medication which has really helped me become slightly more human. I guess this is why I kinda prefer the company of escorts; no frills cuddles and chats, a bit of intimacy. But I can't afford the high expense to consider this a way out. I've seen two over a year ago, once each, delightful young ladies, but it just costs too much to sustain in the long-term. 

 

I'm not really a social creature, I really enjoy my alone time. I guess I just wish I could have my time again, with the things I know now, and use my youth much more productively. I just feel like an old man whose relevance has faded to make way for the new generation. But I also feel I'm not done, and refuse to be pigeon-holed, do you know what I mean?

 

 

[roland.o]

2 hours ago, BarioFiesta said:

A part of me wants to rejoin the dating websites

That's indeed a lot of pressure. Have you considered non-dating? Like enrolling in ballroom dancing classes or other activities where you meet people without it being strictly a hook-up market. If you're living in a larger city, there might be online sites for meeting people just to go to the movies or spend time together in some other way, again non-dating.

[MyOwnMercury]

5 hours ago, BarioFiesta said:

I guess I just wish I could have my time again, with the things I know now, and use my youth much more productively. I just feel like an old man whose relevance has faded to make way for the new generation. But I also feel I'm not done, and refuse to be pigeon-holed, do you know what I mean?

Yeah, this makes sense. And actually, don’t know if it makes you feel better, but this topic is actually a lesson for me, too. To just enjoy my youth while I can. Thanks for helping teach this to me. 

[BarioFiesta]

23 hours ago, roland.o said:

Have you considered non-dating? Like enrolling in ballroom dancing classes or other activities where you meet people without it being strictly a hook-up market.

I have thought about it in the past, but as I said, I'm about as social as a dead cat whose dinner party trick is juggling Robert de Niro's so-called 'comedy' DVDs.  Also, it would interfere with my incredibly busy schedule of work/sleep/rest/sleep repeat. I just have little to no energy these days. A sign of old age perhaps. I tend to lounge around, cooking and playing videogames. I was never really brought up to be a normal human, and a side-effect of that is my social conversation skills leave much to be desired. I tend to resort to catchphrases, most notably 'that's what she said!' at any possible opportunity, for humourous effect, though the real aim is to self-deprecate. Probably slightly narcissistic, but I do love taking the absolute piss out of myself at any opportunity I can. For laughs. It's what I'm good at.

 

20 hours ago, MyOwnMercury said:

And actually, don’t know if it makes you feel better, but this topic is actually a lesson for me, too. To just enjoy my youth while I can. Thanks for helping teach this to me. 

I'm actually humbled that you have taken something from my inane ramblings for your own journey. I'm glad to have been of service :-). I just wish I could follow my own realisations, rather than overthinking everything.