Confused with my sexuality

[96drgizmo]

Hi, I'm new hear (this site was suggested to me by a friend) so am just going try and cut to tye chase.

So for most of my life I've thought I was a lesbian (I'm 20) but haveing just started my first relationship (about 5 months) I've just been realizing I dont actully enjoy sex as I thought, I tend to enjoy the idea of having sex and mastirbating way waaayy more than actully having sex and it's just comfusing me a lot, I'm certianly homoromantic as only find myself attracted to women and I do find their bodies sexy blah blah and have desires to have sex. I just dont enjoy it when it happens, I just feel akward idk how to discribe it really, I love exploring eachothers bodies and forplay but when it comes to sex I'd just rather masturbate tbh.

I'm just thinking, am I a kind of asexual? Demisexual? Afraid I dont know too much about this side of LGBTQ+ community so any insite would he greatly appreciated.

Sorry if I rambled on a bit, I do that.

[Gldlynch]

Hey 96drgizmo

 

Welcome to AVEN! Make yourself at home (:

 

It sounds like you fit somewhere on the asexual spectrum, perhaps you are grey-ace or simply sex-repulsed? The main concept of asexuality is that we don't feel sexual attraction towards anyone, even the people we are romantically linked with. When you say you desire to have sex, do you mean the act of sex in general or sex with a particular somebody?

 

It's totally common for asexuals to have kinks, fetishes, fantasies, even masturbate, however we naturally do not feel the desire to have sex with people. We don't directly feel the arousal of being 'hot and bothered'. For people who are grey-ace, their intensity of sexual attraction fluctuates, sometimes they are capable of feeling horny and other times it is completely absent. For people who are demisexual, sexual attraction become present once an emotional bond has been developed, this can be either platonically or romantically. People who are simply sex-repulsed are turned off by the act of sex.

 

It's okay to feel confused about your sexuality, frankly it's something we all go through. I hope this site helps you find the answers you need (:

[Jaycezon]

Hello, 96drgizmo!

 

In reading your post I spot many similarities to my own experience. I am definitely homoromantic, as I am clearly aesthetically and romantically attracted to men. I enjoy the idea of having sex with men and don't feel repulsed by most of the typical sexual activities that gay men engage in. I often fantasize about sex and I do masturbate. However, I've come to realize that, for most of my life (I'm 47), I was confusing aesthetic and romantic attraction for sexual attraction. I didn't really understand what sexual attraction was, so I just assumed that I was feeling it. 

 

During romantic intimacy with men (hugging, kissing, cuddling, etc.), I do sometimes become sexually aroused, meaning that I have the typical physical arousal response that men experience. However, I find that I have no strong desire to act on that arousal. I've been in several relationships, since coming out as a gay man, were I deeply loved my partners and did have sex with them, but the desire I felt was more a desire to please them and less of a desire to engage in the sexual acts themselves. During these situations, I realize that my partner is experiencing something completely different and that they are in a "zone" that I am outside of. I feel a level of detachment from the activities that I'm engaging in and my focus shifts from enjoyment (the pleasure experienced due to the romantic intimacy), to a conscious effort to convincingly simulate sexual desire. I realize that I am going through the motions. I'm playing a role for my partner's benefit, to give them pleasure.    The climax I experience is, of course, enjoyable, but no more so than when I masturbate. The only real pleasure I derive from the experience is from the act of pleasing my partner. Sadly, I haven't found this to be sustainable. I find the charade exhausting and eventually the sexual activity becomes less frequent and the relationships end. I'm always devastated because the love I feel is real, and my need for the affection and romantic intimacy is real. 

 

Gay male culture is highly sexual and, for many gay men, sex is the initial focus in a relationship, with romance and affection coming later. Because of this, I find dating extremely difficult and I actually gave up on it altogether, about 13 years ago.  I focused exclusively on work and became accustomed to loneliness. And then I stumbled across an article an asexuality and the concept of an asexual spectrum. Googling the topic lead me to AVEN and a few other blogs, podcasts, and You Tube videos. Now things are starting to make a little more sense to me. After researching asexuality and the topic of sexual attraction, I now have a better understanding of what sexual attraction feels like, from a male point of view, and I can only think of one time, during my 47 years, that I actually experienced it. That experience now stands out vividly in my memory because it was so unusual and unexpected that it freaked me out and I ran away from the situation in which it occurred. That was about 2 or 3 years ago. I didn't really examine that experience too deeply at the time because I didn't really understand what it was. Now that I can point at the experience and label it as "sexual attraction" I know that I am capable of experiencing it. Given that there 's just this one example, I'm not sure if this puts me into the category of homoromantic gray asexual, or not.  I don't think demisexual is right, because I have experienced strong emotional bonds and love, without sexual attraction developing. 

 

Anyway, talk about rambling on! I think I just took the prize for rambling!