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I don’t know if I’m asexual...


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Hey everyone, so my names Tom and I don’t know if I’m asexual or if something else is going on... I’m 28 years old, straight, and do enjoy sex/masturbation occasionally (masturbate maybe 1-2x a week, if that), but a lot less it would seem than my other male and even female friends. This is confusing for me and idk if I’m asexual, have a low sex drive, or if something else is wrong with me (maybe mental issues as I’ve struggled with depression/anxiety, maybe low self esteem sometimes, but def not my whole sexually active life and I’ve been like this forever it seems). Since 15-16 (lost my virginity at 15) I’ve had a handful of girlfriends and I think 9 sexual partners but just in general compared to the rest of my friends am just not as interested in sex! And I really wish I knew why. I’ve actually been single for 5 years now and have only had sex a few times in that time as well. I just seem to be really disinterested in all of it. I seem to like being single partly bc I like my privacy and it’s just relationships are a lot of work so I tend to avoid actual long term relationships. I do like to go to bars and stuff with friends where I’ll meet women and occasionally have a hook up though. I will feel weird though bc I’ve been single for so long which makes some friends wonder why (some have even thought I was a closet homosexual) and I nvr have a great answer for them. I just say “I just don’t really care about all that” but it def makes me feel weird bc literally all my guy friends always talk about sex, girls they’ve been with in the past/recently, and best experiences and I’m just not that type of guy I guess. I just don’t really desire sex or anything that goes along with it. What’s going on with me? Can anyone please offer me some advice if they have any? Please, bc this issue really bothers me... 

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Questions to think about: Would it bother you if you never had sex again, ever? Would it bother you if a partner told you "I don't want to have sex with you, ever"?

 

That should be a pretty good indicator, one way or the other.

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MissMidnight

Well a few questions you could ask yourself to figure it out like Homers questions and another could be do you every look at someone and imagine what they are like in bed or want to sleep with them? That was one of the differences between me and my friends at the time, they could look at someone and want to "tap" that and I had zero interest or desire to. 

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Hey Tom

 

Welcome to AVEN! Make yourself at home (:

 

Sounds like you're in quite the pickle there. Let's figure out if you are somewhere on the asexual spectrum...

 

Asexuality is solely based on our emotional response to having sex with someone else - is it something you can easily live without? Whilst you were with your 9 sexual partners, did you enjoy having sex with them? Was being "horny" a natural feeling or did you have sex to only please your partners? Being sexually aroused and "turned on" are the moods which asexuals usually lack or have complete absence from.

 

It could be possible that you are a sexual person with a low libido, or an asexual person with a libido; asexuality is about our sexual attraction towards other people.

 

Below is a guide which may help you decode the different sort of attractions in a human relationship.

 

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Ms. Carolynne

You might also want to consider your romantic orientation as well, maybe ask / look around the romance section of the forums.

 

Do you not feel romantic attraction, or is there another reason you don't want a dedicated relationship?

 

I know that doesn't answer the matter of sexual orientation, but you did mention being comfortable with hook-ups, but not relationships; the latter wouldn't necessitate asexuality. Romantic and sexual orientation don't have to sync up, so they can be different.

 

More of a food for thought thing.

 

As for the topic, it could be possible you're gray-a.

 

http://wiki.asexuality.org/Gray-A/Grey-A

 

From what you've stated, it seems you can feel a strong enough attraction to desire sex, but perhaps it isn't common; that's the impression I get anyway. 

 

Only you can say, and you didn't specify why you slept with anyone (something worth considering if you're not sure). What would be most useful is whether you felt sexual attraction.

 

It could also be low sex drive, but I don't know how that works as far as having actual sex. 

 

It also wouldn't rule out being gray-asexual. Both could be true.

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