Asexual & Attractive?

[Tyger Songbird]

So...

 

In my culture it is a rather big deal that everyone be married or have children of some kind in life. My small town conservative culture believes highly that marriage is not just a norm, but rather it is an expectation to do (at least once). Divorce is even common than being a lifelong single where I'm at. Beside the point, because of that, I often face people who feel it is weird that I am not married or that I'm still single really. Some say it's okay, but some just think it's weird.

 

However, one reaction really took the cake for me on this one. One person said they were confused as to how, because I'm "such a good-looking guy" that "I thought somebody would have snatched you up". Yeah.

 

Anyway, that was the statement, and it really was the weirdest thing. Apparently, my choice of being single isn't a choice. It's just whether or not someone "snatches you up", I guess. Welp, no one has.

 

But that got me to thinking, anyway. I wonder if anyone will see the line behind my thinking on this one. 

 

I have always thought people were lying when they said I am attractive. 

 

I'm not trying to call every person I know a liar, but I just don't see how people think I'm "attractive". I don't see it, really.

 

It just is really weird for me, really strange to hear it.

 

First off,  if you took a look at me, I am not the "typical male supermodel" or anything. I won't be on the cover of Men's Health magazine or some men's fitness catalog. I'm not going to be mistaken for David Beckham or Sylvester Stallone anytime soon. I'm not Arnold Schwartzenegger, with tons of muscles and chiseled abs. I'm not that. 

 

I'm a really skinny nerd, pencil thin. I have really long sticks for arms (6'9 wingspan), and while I'm 6'0 tall, I'm really rain thin. I'm as thin as Ally McBeal. I literally weigh like 160 pounds.

 

I'm not the picture of macho man in any way, shape, or form. Even though I really like my body being thin (I can move easily being thin), I'm not the stereotypical "hot guy". 

 

I don't ever think of myself that way, either. 

 

Here's why:

 

When people say I'm attractive, gorgeous, or any other attractive synonym to me, I feel like they're saying they want to get me in bed, really.

 

I don't think I'm ugly or hideous, now. But to say hot? No way!!

 

(First off, I don't like using the word hot. I feel that being hot definitely means they want to jump your bones and hump you sexually. Same with sexy.)

 

I don't know if that's low self-esteem or if that's just my mind not being really sexual in that regard. I really don't think of anyone else in that way, either. So, why would I think of myself as someone that people call "sexy"?

 

So, I don't think of myself and have never thought of myself as attractive or whatever. My mind doesn't go into the realm of "I want to sex you." So, I don't think of myself as attractive, nor do I think anyone else does, really.

 

Does anyone in a sense go through the same thing, or is it just me?

 

When (or if) someone says that you're so pretty, 'beautiful', or 'hot', do you find yourself turned off by it? Do you agree with them? Or do you just think it's weird like I do? 

 

 Do you think of yourself as a pretty ace or no? Let me know

[Zatarra]

As I posted in a previous thread as far my looks go

"uglier than the east end of a horse headed west"

 

I have never had anyone compliment me or 'pursue' me to say. I think what your facing is the societal thinking that unless there is something REALLY wrong with your looks you should have found someone willing to tie the knot.

I STILL get asked why I am not with anyone and what is wrong with you???

I have at this point just resorted to telling people that I have health complications implying that I am "broken/impotent" and yes that takes a toll on me but what can you do?

one reason why I created an account here to see what strategies or supports maybe available. There is not much..so I will for the foreseeable future stick with "I am broken"

 

I have noticed (as you have probably) that if you just say "not interested in dating/marriage/sex" - they wont buy it and WILL try and "fix/change/pressure" you into doing it

from our conversations I know that is a great source of anxiety for your...so maybe telling them that you "CANT" do it as opposed to you "DONT WANT TO" might make them back off?

 

I wonder if you would have less pressure if you were to move somewhere (larger metropolis) where 'alternate lifestyles' in this case lifelong singleton would be more tolerated.

 

[zoetrope98]

1 hour ago, tygersongbird said:

I have always thought people were lying when they said I am attractive. 

 

I'm not trying to call every person I know a liar, but I just don't see how people think I'm "attractive". I don't see it, really.

 

It just is really weird for me, really strange to hear it.

 

I get exactly (or at least pretty close) where you're coming from. Especially on dating apps, I feel that because I'm relatively open about my asexuality or at least my aversion to sex, I get really confused when a guy I match with says, "You're really pretty" or "Wow, you're so cute." I have this cynical mindset that tells me that they only want to get in bed with me. While I know it's fair to be cautious and skeptical, I wish I could accept compliments better. I've struggled with self-image for a very long time since I always had friends who were the "pretty ones" while I was the sidekick. Coming to college made me realize that there's lots more people and lots more interests than the small high school I went to.

 

I try my hardest not to look for validation in others, but because one of my most prominent love languages is "words or affirmation," it's really hard sometimes. 

 

If you ever want to talk more, feel free to message me, because this is something that's constantly on my mind too. 

 

Stay strong.  

[Guest Deus Ex Infinity]

I'm pretty fine with being grey-A but don't ask about my looks (just for your own sake*lol*)

 

[Falcon7]

Hello again @tygersongbird, Omg here I can absolutely relate! Thre are those randam people (like markets or festivals whatever) say 'you are beautiful' sort of rubbish. The following question is always 'you have a girlfriend? No? Boyfriend? No? Ah you are so beautiful and single, strange' then 'are you available today?' HELL NO! I have 0 confidence about my appearence as far as I remember and this dysphoria worsened whenever I hear those random words. I know they mean nothing by saying such a thing. It's just an empty word and I feel it highly sexualised, offensive and even insulting sometimes.

I guess those people have an assumption that if they say 'beautiful', the addressed person is always flattered (and potentially go beyond). That's super annoying. 

 

Well maybe I should add that some people, although very few in number, actually really MEAN 'beautiful' or 'handsome' or 'nice'. I met an artist once, and she simply said 'you are beautiful' in such a friendly, yet serious way so I understood it in spiritual level. Her word didn't cause any kind of dysphoria.

[Adachiku]

I can relate. It weirds me out when people say “you’re beautiful” or “you’re so pretty”. I mean, what am I supposed to do with those compliments? I just don’t get it. Or rather, I don’t care if I’m (supposedly) pretty or anything. 

[Lichley]

I just get a passive “you’ll find someone eventually”  and that’s about it.

 

To be fair I’m not very attractive. The only compliments I’ve had are sarcastic or pity :

“X,Yyou’re both pretty”“What about me?”“Oh yeah, sure, you too”

 

In what relationships I have had I’ve been cheated on. Or just ghosted once they get bored. A lot. One guy was with 13 other girls. Ouch. 

 

I’ve never been hot, or pretty, but I kind of find it nice that I don’t have to deal with rejecting people... until I get rejected. 

[Duke Memphis]

I'd say I'm a four out of ten, as far as looks go. I've hot a nice jawline, but the rest of my face looks ugly. I'd be ugly even if my nose wasn't crooked.

 

Anyway, I don't get why a lot of people date based off of looks. I say that good looks are a bonus when you date, but the heart is what you should see in a person.

 

I may consider myself highly romantic, but I know that many people are both single and happy. There are many married people who are miserable. If you take time to figure yourself out, you're more likely to be happy, relationship or not.

[Koto]

"Do you think you're attractive?" This is a question a stranger asked me recently that's been haunting me.  This man thought I was 'very beautiful' 'pretty' and asked me if I considered modeling (pffft).  I've had a lots of people say similar things but honestly I don't see it.  I struggled with self-esteem issues since I grew up obese as a kid and, since I lost weight over the years, I get more attention from guys.  I'm not the thinnest person and think I can lose some more weight but regardless there are people who still think I'm attractive. The town I grew up in is similar where the expected it marriage and people have little ambition and motivation in life.  When I say I have no bf, people are in disbelief and question me. 

To answer your question no, I don't consider myself an attractive ace and brush off compliments (though in the moment I'm polite and just say thank you). I focus on what I think about myself.  I'm not very open about my asexuality and have never told anyone I consider myself an asexual (though many people who know me know I would not engage in sexual activity due to my belief system, which is separate than my asexuality).
 

[Tyger Songbird]

2 hours ago, zoetrope98 said:

I get exactly (or at least pretty close) where you're coming from. Especially on dating apps, I feel that because I'm relatively open about my asexuality or at least my aversion to sex, I get really confused when a guy I match with says, "You're really pretty" or "Wow, you're so cute." I have this cynical mindset that tells me that they only want to get in bed with me. While I know it's fair to be cautious and skeptical, I wish I could accept compliments better. I've struggled with self-image for a very long time since I always had friends who were the "pretty ones" while I was the sidekick. Coming to college made me realize that there's lots more people and lots more interests than the small high school I went to.

 

I try my hardest not to look for validation in others, but because one of my most prominent love languages is "words or affirmation," it's really hard sometimes. 

 

If you ever want to talk more, feel free to message me, because this is something that's constantly on my mind too. 

 

Stay strong.  

Totally get what you mean too. I've always heard how dating and sex go hand-in-hand really for a lot of people. Like, "If you're going out with them and you aren't having sex, it's not a real relationship, then!" 

 

I often always heard that most people think it's normal to have sex by the 3rd date or that they expect to have sex by the 3rd date, for some reason. So, for me, people complimenting me in saying that I'm somehow pretty or a "good-looking guy" is really strange and weird for me. It's one I take with a bit of suspicion. 

 

I'll share 2 pics of me to show you what I mean, by all this:

 

Picture 1

 

Picture 2

 

I always wonder if they mean that I am pretty in a "I look nice" way, or if they are hoping for a FWB situation. I don't want the 2nd for sure. So, I get nervous thinking about what they mean by it, and question the intentions maybe a bit too far. But, hey, when people are sexting pictures of their genitals to each other, how am I supposed to feel that things will stay platonic?

 

I just wish that it was easier to communicate to people that whenever I find someone very beautiful, I fall in love with that person, in a nonsexual way. Like, I want to preserve their beauty in a sculpture type thing. I don't want to "do the nasty" with them. I want to love them in a more cuddly, innocent, romantic sense. I want to be with you forever, type thing. Why does beauty =sex for people?

[Hermit Advocate]

35 minutes ago, tygersongbird said:

Why does beauty =sex for people?

I think that part of the reason is that people think asexuals are just ugly people who can't get laid; either that or we don't bother to make ourselves look nice because we aren't "in the market," so to speak. When they encounter an asexual that is someone they find attractive it ruins this image for them. 

[Tyger Songbird]

49 minutes ago, Hermit Advocate said:

I think that part of the reason is that people think asexuals are just ugly people who can't get laid; either that or we don't bother to make ourselves look nice because we aren't "in the market," so to speak. When they encounter an asexual that is someone they find attractive it ruins this image for them. 

Wow, well I guess we need better stereotypes of people, don't we? A little less extreme typecasting, huh?

 

It seems like lots of people only care about propogation and never really factor in anything else that makes a person special. Still don't get that.

[zoetrope98]

4 hours ago, tygersongbird said:

I just wish that it was easier to communicate to people that whenever I find someone very beautiful, I fall in love with that person, in a nonsexual way. Like, I want to preserve their beauty in a sculpture type thing. I don't want to "do the nasty" with them. I want to love them in a more cuddly, innocent, romantic sense. I want to be with you forever, type thing. Why does beauty =sex for people?

First of all, this was worded so lovely. Secondly, I agree 100%. I couldn't have said it better. I find it easier to compliment people on a deeper level if I want to express genuine feelings. For example, instead of "You have pretty eyes," I've said "I think you have a very honest and genuine gaze." But then again, I have yet to find "the" person, and it definitely gets frustrating. 

[Tyger Songbird]

35 minutes ago, zoetrope98 said:

First of all, this was worded so lovely. Secondly, I agree 100%. I couldn't have said it better. I find it easier to compliment people on a deeper level if I want to express genuine feelings. For example, instead of "You have pretty eyes," I've said "I think you have a very honest and genuine gaze." But then again, I have yet to find "the" person, and it definitely gets frustrating. 

Yeah, for me, it comes to my idea of romance to be more along the lines of "fairytale" type of thing. You know, "happily ever after" type of thing. I mean, I know you are supposed to not believe in fairytales because it's sappy and childish, but it sure would be nice to see some relationships be as successful, right? Anyway, here's to finding Cinderella in the "glass slipper". Maybe princes and princesses do exist in a world of frogs.

[Laplace]

I don’t think I’m stunningly handsome in the slightest, but I do get a lot of praise from people for being smart. So, I think I’m somewhat attractive in an intellectual sort of way 🤔🤔🤔? I just don’t know if I’m considered handsome or desireable 🧐. I got compliments from girls in school (primarily on smarts) and a bisexual classmate said I was handsome so I guess I am? I’m so bad at recognizing flirting that I can’t tell if my peers just think it’s cool that I’m smart or it actually inspires admiration and attraction.

[Homer]

 

#teampotato

[Guest]

1 hour ago, Homer said:

#teampotato

You don't look as much like Homer Simpson as I thought you would

[Telecaster68]

Too many fingers, for a start. 

[StrangeStory]

14 hours ago, Zatarra said:

one reason why I created an account here to see what strategies or supports maybe available.

I know it's irritating when people are constantly asking when you're gonna get married, but I never knew it could be so bad that one has to seek "strategies" and "support". It must be really annoying for you in your community. It seems many people stick to certain beliefs simply because that's how they were brought up, and they struggle to open their minds to the fact that others may choose a different path.

 

I don't interact with many people, so the why-aren't-you-married thing doesn't come up a lot. But if it does, I have many responses planned, and some of these I have used in the past:

 

The right girl does not exist.

Girls don't like me.

I'm too fussy.

I'm asexual.

I'm celibate.

No, I'm not interested in that stuff.

How will I ever meet a girl? How does any couple meet? It's a mystery to me.

[Browncoat10]

12 hours ago, Duke Memphis said:

Anyway, I don't get why a lot of people date based off of looks. I say that good looks are a bonus when you date, but the heart is what you should see in a person.

 

11 hours ago, tygersongbird said:

Why does beauty =sex for people?

 

10 hours ago, tygersongbird said:

It seems like lots of people only care about propogation and never really factor in anything else that makes a person special. 

I'm ace and aro, but I think we're possibly being a little harsh here - I know none of you meant to suggest that all sexuals only care about looks when dating, but I felt like I should clarify that... that isn't the case. Anyone who's been dating anyone for longer than like a month and is even vaguely serious about it is doing it because they see something in that person other than external attractiveness. And there are loads of people who start going out with someone based in no way on their appearance aren't there, otherwise the only people in the world in relationships would be the objectively beautiful people. 

 

That said, I know what you're getting at. Whenever I get told I'm good-looking, part of me is definitely flattered, but a bigger part of me is suddenly becoming very uncomfortable (like, what am I supposed to say to that) and an even bigger part of me is going "are you sure?" So this post wasn't meant as an attack. I just have loads of sexual friends in relationships and it seemed slightly unfair to paint all sexuals as only in it for the sex/attractiveness. Though I'm also not denying that there is some truth in that with some sexuals.

[Guest]

I feel the same, that some people lie just because they want to have sex with someone. People will have sex with people they deem "good enough." It pisses me off so much, knowing that.

[Telecaster68]

It's up to the people having sex isn't it? If they're both fine with it, it's nobody else's business.

[Guest]

Quit stalking me.

[Telecaster68]

This is where stalking = "replying to two posts over four days, the first of which was attacking me?"

[Tyger Songbird]

9 hours ago, Homer said:

#teampotato

The amount of people who say I wear "Potato Sacks" as clothes makes me a potato perhaps. I really don't care whatsoever about what I look like or dress like. I haven't shopped for clothes in years. As long as I'm covered up, I'm fine.

[Tyger Songbird]

6 hours ago, Browncoat10 said:

 

 

I'm ace and aro, but I think we're possibly being a little harsh here - I know none of you meant to suggest that all sexuals only care about looks when dating, but I felt like I should clarify that... that isn't the case. Anyone who's been dating anyone for longer than like a month and is even vaguely serious about it is doing it because they see something in that person other than external attractiveness. And there are loads of people who start going out with someone based in no way on their appearance aren't there, otherwise the only people in the world in relationships would be the objectively beautiful people. 

 

That said, I know what you're getting at. Whenever I get told I'm good-looking, part of me is definitely flattered, but a bigger part of me is suddenly becoming very uncomfortable (like, what am I supposed to say to that) and an even bigger part of me is going "are you sure?" So this post wasn't meant as an attack. I just have loads of sexual friends in relationships and it seemed slightly unfair to paint all sexuals as only in it for the sex/attractiveness. Though I'm also not denying that there is some truth in that with some sexuals.

Hmm, you may be right. Maybe there is more to sexual people than whether you are attractive or not. I just happen to meet a lot of people who openly flaunt or parade to every single human that they are openly sexual. It just makes me uncomfortable whenever people look at me and say that I'm attractive. I just think they're lying. Maybe it's because I don't see myself in that manner, like I said in my opening post about how frumpy I am. However, I don't want people to think that way about me so I can avoid the pressure of having to "turn down their advances". So, who knows?

[everywhere and nowhere]

I rather like my face. I have sometimes been complimented on it, but not really by guys, rather by female relatives or family's friends who wanted to say that "I could be such a cute girl if I took care of myself".

However, below that face is a neck that looks at least 50 years old (I'm 36) because it's so wrinkled as a result of allergy, scratches and e-x-t-r-e-m-e-l-y dry skin. Even further below are boobs which I hide anyway under super-high-neckline vests and mostly loose and patterned clothes, but which were already sagging when I was 20 years old. Yet further below is the fattest zone from waist to the knees (my sizes: Euro 48-50, British 20, men's XXL...). And even my face doesn't always look good because it's sometimes sore due to my allergy (now I have such a spot next to my nose, just my quilt must have scraped my skin while I was asleep) and I never use any make-up to cover it because I don't want to destroy my skin completely.

Attractiveness is yet another axis and it places both very attractive and unattractive aces in highly intersectional situations. For unattractive aces it's the (in)famous "you're not asexual, you just couldn't get laid anyway"... Another funny Polish saying, but I think it must have some equivalent - about a person expected to give some absurd explanations: "prove that you're not a camel". Saying that I identify as asexual when I have already been judged as hopelessly unattractive it exactly this kind of situation.

[everywhere and nowhere]

Just to show how I look like... But my silhouette is very much hidden in this photo. I'm the person holding the sign "Sanctions against Russian aggression" - it was taken during a protest against the war in Eastern Ukraine, in front of the Warsaw office of Organization for Security and Cooperation in Europe.

http://oi64.tinypic.com/10nf79l.jpg

As I said, I don't mind how my face looks. I think it's quite androgynous and that's a nice thing. People may think that aspects such as wrinkles, big nose, strabismus (not very visible in this photo, but sometimes very visible - to the point that I've had some people think that I can't see with my left eye because it "runs away" to the temporal side so much) or very deep-set eyes make me ugly, but I don't mind them, I don't feel any need to be pretty. I only want not to be too ugly and I seriously think that I would feel kinda uneasy if I was very beautiful.

[everywhere and nowhere]

And another one, from a Slut Walk:

http://oi66.tinypic.com/b7xsf4.jpg

I wore a long robe and a hijab to the demonstration (my high-neckline vest is also visible) because I anyway just couldn't wear skimpy clother like some people there were wearing, but also as a message: it's not like any problem of sexual violence is solved if women "don't dress like sluts" because it's a typical double-bind situation. Women who dress sexy may be perceived as "asking for it", but women who refuse to dress sexy may also be harassed for their refusal.

The broken sign in my left hand says "Want to grope? Grope a tomato", probably because it was made from the bottom of a tomato box picked up at a grocery market. And the item in my right hand is a fan - with my allergy I'm completely addicted to cooling my skin, especially in hot weather, because it itches horribly if I get too hot. I always carry a hand fan in my bag and I have three electric fans at home.

[Chimeric]

I really enjoy being told that I'm pretty. 

 

I take it as the compliment it is, I thank them, I sometimes tell them I was having a really crappy day and it brightened it right up. 

 

There have been times when it's just been a really well-meaning compliment, and I do worry a little bit that, as a society, we're programmed to equate it with a sexual advance when it isn't, necessarily.

 

If they ask me out, then I say no (or, as has happened recently, I don't realize they're asking me out and I laugh... And then realize how profoundly I've stuck my foot in my mouth... It's hard to salvage that level of awkward ). 

 

Now, I don't love being cat-called or having my butt grabbed in public, but those are very different from being complimented.