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therealme09

Please help: question of asexuality or gay

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therealme09

Hello. I am new to this site and am hoping to find answers. I am a sexual involved with someone who seems to show signs of asexuality, but whom some of my friends think is in-the-closet gay.

Let me give you the background. I met him almost a year ago; he was 22 (about to turn 23) and I was 39 (about to turn 40). Now let me tell you I look at least 10 years younger and some people even think I'm in my 20s. I admit I'm attracted to much younger men. Well, he was flirting with me. I might add he acts very immature and looks like he could be 17 or 18 so I wasn't even interested at first. But he followed me around like a puppy dog and was very sweet to me. In a short time we developed a bond. He admitted he was a virgin and had always been afraid of sexual situations with girls and wasn't sure why. Also in high school he never dated or got close to a girl. Said he wanted to avoid the "aggravation." But he made friends with some girls later, at college age. He would just kiss a little and if a girl dared to make a move further, he would freak out. I told him he could practice/experiment with me. I wanted to be a "Mrs. Robinson."

He visited my apt. for the first time and he gave me a neck rub on the floor. Soon we sat on the couch and when I spoke I casually touched his leg, but very innocent-like. He said "why are you touching me?!" and looked terrified. Later I apologized and he said he was just kidding. He got a bit more daring as time wore on. We went a bit further each time, but each time it didn't seem natural-- he would grab me suddenly like he was playing a part from a movie. It had the whole feel of experimentation. Also what I found odd was that many times he wasn't "in the mood" and he complained that I had such a big appetite and why did I want to neck or make out every time we got together (which was about once a week). I ended up crying a lot when he went home after not wanting to spend time with me after a movie or whatever. He explained this was so new and foreign to him that he was overwhelmed. He said he wasn't ready for a committed relationship with anyone, which I'd known anyway. We developed such a deep bond by this time-- he says I'm his best friend. He's one of mine too. I met his parents and he's included me in activities with them (separately, because they're divorced). The divorce happened 'cause his mom fell in love w/ his dad's cousin. He says he's afraid to get too close to anyone because he thinks they'll abandon him. (He has very few friends too.) Also he feels he doesn't deserve to have a woman love him.

Well, by this time we had feelings for each other, although he insisted he didn't love me in the same way I loved him, 'cause he wasn't "ready" and didn't know who he was, and had to find himself.

Well, one day last April I decided to go down on him, because we'd gone very far already with fooling around and he'd say that if "a girl did that I wouldn't stop her." But said he wouldn't initiate one. He was excited, but when he saw what I was about to do, he froze. I went through with it but soon he was totally unreactive so I stopped. He looked petrified. I said sorry and he said he thought he was ready but he was wrong. That he'd wanted to make me happy so he convinced himself he was "ready." Since that day, he's backed off tremendously, but still flirts and we neck sometimes but not make out. But he doesn't even want to neck most of the time.

I might ad that my age never bothered him too much and he says he wouldn't be ready with anyone, not even someone his own age. Also,

he'd bought a "fleshlight" to try to get over his fears (fake rubber vagina). When I pressed him about maybe being gay, he insists he's not because he's too attracted to women. I believe him and really don't think he's gay. Yet, many times we made out, although he got hard, he would suddenly freeze, lose the erection, and then call himself a "freak" and even cry at times.

I'm sorry this is so long, but I really hope someone could shed some light on this-- on why he is so terrified of sex. (Oh, he once mentioned that he's ok by himself, but when he's with an actual person he gets scared.) I'm mad at myself for getting feelings for someone who is so confused. I have to cut off all contact with him now, in order to be able to be "just friends" one day. The transition to friendship seems easier for him, and he doesn't understand why I want sex so much (or more than he does). To my friends who see how he is around me, they say it's obvious he cares about me as more than a friend. Do you think he may end up being gay one day, or is this asexuality, or just "sex phobia"? Thank you so much for reading this.

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Yolly

It could easily be asexuality, I feel that way when I think of a relationship(but I'm 13). He could be heteroromantic asexual(he is romantically attracted to women but not sexually attracted to anyone). In the end it is his choice what he labels himself but the only thing which will actually change is the confuson. He has to find a label that fits him not try to fit into a box. Maybe mention asexuality to him, it seems like he could do with some reasurrance.

Yolly

Mods: should this go to Q&A or is it ok, it might get more answers??

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deladangerous

Many times, asexuals will say that they're not interested in sex, and the people around them will assume that they MUST be gay. I find something a bit askew about that. There are more than two sexual orientations. If somebody's not one of them, it doesn't automatically mean that they're the other one.

No, therealme09, it sounds to me like your friend's telling the truth. I don't know why he'd be denying the truth to you and to himself like that. What's so hard to believe about his words?

I think that it sounds like he could be asexual, but from the sounds of things, it's also possible that there are other issues. Obviously we can't diagnose him with anything just from what you've told of in your story.. Perhaps you'd be best off talking to him about it.

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therealme09
Many times, asexuals will say that they're not interested in sex, and the people around them will assume that they MUST be gay. I find something a bit askew about that. There are more than two sexual orientations. If somebody's not one of them, it doesn't automatically mean that they're the other one.

No, therealme09, it sounds to me like your friend's telling the truth. I don't know why he'd be denying the truth to you and to himself like that. What's so hard to believe about his words?

I think that it sounds like he could be asexual, but from the sounds of things, it's also possible that there are other issues. Obviously we can't diagnose him with anything just from what you've told of in your story.. Perhaps you'd be best off talking to him about it.

Thanks so much for your feedback, Delacoconut! You're right, I will talk to him about it instead of assuming anything.

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therealme09
It could easily be asexuality, I feel that way when I think of a relationship(but I'm 13). He could be heteroromantic asexual(he is romantically attracted to women but not sexually attracted to anyone). In the end it is his choice what he labels himself but the only thing which will actually change is the confuson. He has to find a label that fits him not try to fit into a box. Maybe mention asexuality to him, it seems like he could do with some reasurrance.

Yolly

Mods: should this go to Q&A or is it ok, it might get more answers??

Thanks so much, Yolly! I will consider this possibility and perhaps refer his to AVEN as well. Have a great day!

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MaraKarina

Sounds like you had a really hard time and I can feel with you because I had very similar reactions from my husband, after he had been what I would consider normal sexual behaviour for over a year.

From my experience and from what I heard from others in similar situations I would say that you shouldn't expect to solve the difference in sexual approaches to the effect that he becomes a "normal sexual". Whatever the reason for his behaviour, asexual or gay, maybe you wish to get on "best friends" tems with him.

There's no point in hoping for a change or for things to "improve". There's a chance they may but I doubt it. For your own sake, make sure you figure what you need and with what you could cope and then go from there. Life for a sexual in relation with an asexual is not easy and in its extreme situation - which could mean no sex, no hugs, no kisses, sometimes even no touches - includes a range of affects for the sexual, ranging from overweight, to depressions, to loss of self-esteem, etc. etc.

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therealme09

I'm sorry about what happened with your husband, MaraKarina. Now I'm confused though about how someone can change from being sexual to asexual, but not the other way around? Yes, you're right about my friend. I don't think he'll change either, although he wants to. He has other issues too, which I wonder if they caused him to be asexual (or the other way round?) He is good-looking but thinks he's unattractive, no matter what he hears to the contrary. He also believes he is undeserving of someone else's love and affection (namely mine at the moment). Perhaps he won't EVER be "ready" (as he puts it) for a committed relationship. He gives me plenty of hugs, kisses, etc. whenever we're together, but I do need more intimacy than that from someone. I miss him right now because I told him we need to stop talking for a while so I could get "unaddicted." I'm working on just being good friends with him, but today feeling that is impossible.

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FISH'
...Now I'm confused though about how someone can change from being sexual to asexual...

It is probably possible. Like all other orientations, asexuality can be very uncertain. I think asexuality is on even shakier ground than the basic hetero/bi/homo because it is harder to tell if you are asexual. I, myself, have my doubts about being asexual.

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therealme09
...Now I'm confused though about how someone can change from being sexual to asexual...

It is probably possible. Like all other orientations, asexuality can be very uncertain. I think asexuality is on even shakier ground than the basic hetero/bi/homo because it is harder to tell if you are asexual. I, myself, have my doubts about being asexual.

That's true. But I spoke to a new potential therapist last night who firmly believes that asexuality doesn't exist and it's linked to psychological or hormonal problems. Needless to say, she is not going to be my therapist!

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Jesh
Now I'm confused though about how someone can change from being sexual to asexual, but not the other way around?

It's possible to change from being asexual to sexual. But no one should force, or even expect themselves or others to change.

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FISH'
...Now I'm confused though about how someone can change from being sexual to asexual...

It is probably possible. Like all other orientations, asexuality can be very uncertain. I think asexuality is on even shakier ground than the basic hetero/bi/homo because it is harder to tell if you are asexual. I, myself, have my doubts about being asexual.

That's true. But I spoke to a new potential therapist last night who firmly believes that asexuality doesn't exist and it's linked to psychological or hormonal problems. Needless to say, she is not going to be my therapist!

Surprising how a therapist can be so closed-minded. You should refer her to this place.

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kbrd143
That's true. But I spoke to a new potential therapist last night who firmly believes that asexuality doesn't exist and it's linked to psychological or hormonal problems. Needless to say, she is not going to be my therapist!

Unfortunately, there are many therapists who feel that Asexuality is some sort of group dilusion. . . . *shakes head* I will not attempt to argue that everyone who claims to be asexual actually is. We have, after all, had a great number of members decide that they weren't asexual. I try to emphasize that this site is not some kind of self-fufilling prophesy -- we don't just sit around and squick about sex all day. We encourage exploration and questions and wherever a person's journey leads them, we celebrate that. There is also the little fact that many of our members have had their hormone levels checked and have been told that they are completely normal. And, as for the psychological problems . . . Well, we have dealt with that issue in great detail, elsewhere. Once again, it might apply to some of the people around here, but it doesn't apply to all of us. . . .

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Wee_Little_Me

Oooooh I know how that guy feels (maybe). I dont freeze, I zone out. Like I completely get out of the mood and think "well this is stupid. wheres the pizza".

And I havent fixed it so I donno what to tell you. Well im experimenting with this to see how I can enjoy this and I think next time the situation comes along Im going to TRY to fantasize about something, rather than 'just' be in the moment. Maybe you should try that? Tell him to close his eyes and let his fantasies take him over.

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MaraKarina
...Now I'm confused though about how someone can change from being sexual to asexual...

It is probably possible. Like all other orientations, asexuality can be very uncertain. I think asexuality is on even shakier ground than the basic hetero/bi/homo because it is harder to tell if you are asexual. I, myself, have my doubts about being asexual.

That's true. But I spoke to a new potential therapist last night who firmly believes that asexuality doesn't exist and it's linked to psychological or hormonal problems. Needless to say, she is not going to be my therapist!

You really cannot tell the reason for "asexuality". I try to accept what people say how they feel because that's probably just how they feel. And I would not want to argue whether it's an orientation or has any reason e.g. psychological or hormonal. Could very well be that both types exist, and it could be that there are only psychological or hormonal reasons.

Point is, unless the asexual person feels uncomfortable and wants to change it him/herself, it doesn't matter if it's changeable because, like in all other matters except for surgery and such, you cannot force a person into treatment.

Don't really know what causes libido problems, but then a person without libido should show all signs of asexuals = not wanting sex.

If you look at the psychological area, there are many, many things which are simply not available to your consciousness. Just look at people who've been sexually (or else) abused as children. Many of them do not at all remember. Especially for women once they do remember, sex is no longer possible, others become lesbians (e.g. for women there seems to be at least some percentage of lesbians caused by life experiences). There are many other reasons and possibilities, in fact too many to look at if you don't know what you are looking for. And, as for PROTECTION from memories which could otherwise make life unbearable/impossible, many such instances vanish from consciousness.

And even IF asexuality would have its origins in such or similar things, treatment would have to be sought by the individual and I understand would very often be extremely painful, i.e. nothing we should force or push them into. And I don't believe treatment would solve all of these problems.

And that is IF, there've probably also always been persons who just never liked sex.

As to your question: if a person used to be sexual and then became asexual, if it's possible that it goes the other way round. I should think so. As with literally everything in life, it requires a DECISION of that individual. Or it will start with a decision. A decision cannot solve everything, especially major psychological processes don't follow that. And there are clearly fields we cannot reach with a decision. But the decision against something will 100% work against something!

Will keep fingers crossed that you'll work out the relationship with your friend to the best of both of you!

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Hatikvah

Hi

I'm a little late in this conversation, but tell me Does he know that something like asexuality exists? Maybe he is trying to be sexual because he feels different and weird (that happens a lot)... talk to him about this site. I don't think he is gay, i think is hetero romantic.... very difficult, try to understand it could be a beautiful realtionship. Talk... talk a lot

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