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KyaStormcrow

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KyaStormcrow

Basically just wanted to say how grateful I am for this forum. I am sexual, high-libido, pansexual female, have been married to my life partner for almost 8 years. I always knew he had a low sex drive; we've had some much-needed conversations in the past year and it's pretty clear at this point that he's romantic Grey-A, with very infrequent sexual desire. 

 

We're also polyamorous, which helps enormously; I know that I can still get my sexual needs met, even if his desire is for maybe two or three times a year (when I could easily do two or three times a week). But I've still had lots of apprehensive feelings: he says he wants to be with me, but is he just doing a really good job of faking wanting to be with someone that he is repulsed by? (For me romantic desire is so closely tied to sexual desire that I have a very hard time wrapping my brain around "love romantically but repulsed by sex"). If he doesn't want to have sex with me, is he eventually just going to lose his emotional attachment to me? How the hell will we have kids? (Answered myself with a Google, there's options.) He says (and shows) that he cares about me and enjoys my company, but it still felt hard for me to comprehend; like, culturally our word for someone who shares a home but not sex is "roommate". And that is *such* a negative way to refer to a partner, it's practically synonymous with breaking up IME; like someone will say "The divorce is almost final. We just treat each other like roommates anymore". I had all these fears and felt like I had no one to talk to about it - coming out and saying "yeah, my husband has pretty much no desire to have sex with me, and I'm not sure how to handle that" does not exactly get positive responses from most people. Yet at the same time I do love him, enjoy his company even after almost a decade, and we're a fantastic life team - we complement each other's strengths and weaknesses very well. 

 

So discovering this forum last night was wonderful for me. Reading so many people talking about their own experiences of wanting closeness and commitment but not wanting sex helped me wrap my mind around what my husband has been telling me. I have hope now that this can really work, that accepting his grey-A-ness doesn't have to mean losing the trust and partnership that we have built. I found *words*, which to me - as a very verbal person - helps enormously: he's my platonic life partner.

 

So thank you all. I expect I will be a regular lurker for a while, and I know now where to go to ask questions and get support. :)

 

Kya

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Welcome AVEN, @KyaStormcrow :cake:

 

Thanks for your post, it's really nice to know that this place is helpful to folks who may be struggling to understand. =) It's so easy for us to get down in the dumps about mixed relationships, and to forget that they aren't always completely hopeless!

 

Quick addendum - if you wouldn't mind, dropping a post in here helps memorialize the successes long after the individual threads have rotated through the forums. =)

 

I hope you enjoy your time lurking here. =)

 

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58 minutes ago, KyaStormcrow said:

But I've still had lots of apprehensive feelings: he says he wants to be with me, but is he just doing a really good job of faking wanting to be with someone that he is repulsed by? (For me romantic desire is so closely tied to sexual desire that I have a very hard time wrapping my brain around "love romantically but repulsed by sex"). If he doesn't want to have sex with me, is he eventually just going to lose his emotional attachment to me?

If it is any consolation, unless you are pressuring him, sex is the last reason an asexual would break a relationship. I'm going through a fairly rough phase with mine though about a couple of hours ago things took a turn for the better. But there was NEVER any question that he wouldn't want to be in the relationship - pressure over sex is NOT on the table, ever. He doesn't feel desire the way we do. He wasn't in it for the sex and unless he feels pressured to an extent he can't take it, he isn't going to get out over sex.

 

This is no guarantee that normal couple factors won't apply, but sex being a reason for ANYTHING is a non-issue, unless we make it an issue.

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Hi kya,

Welcome to Aven and I am glad to hear that you found the forums helpful.

 

If you have any questions or problems about the forums, please feel free to ask me :)

 

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