Sexual partners: Have any of you tried to deliberately kill/reduce your sex drive?

[TryingWife]

On 3/4/2018 at 11:38 AM, Traveler40 said:

 

Removed

[vega57]

On 3/31/2018 at 3:07 PM, nansialex said:

I finally looked at it this way, no one, no matter what their orientation, should have to twist themseleves into a psychological and physical pretzel to attempt to make a relationship work, let alone physically assault themselves with medications in the process.  

I knew a woman who was on the Pill.  She was on it for over 10 years, all because her partner (not married) wanted sex without the possibility of having children (ha, ha), plus he didn't like the feeling of condoms.    

 

They were together for 11 years.  They never had children.  They finally broke up (she broke up with him) and in less than a year, she had a stroke

 

...at 42 years old.  

 

All that...to satisfy someone else's sexual "needs"?  

[vega57]

12 minutes ago, TryingWife said:

I may be projecting here, but the lack of touch may be because there is a fear that any physical closeness will inspire you to grope and look for more. Which takes all the fun out of cuddling and turns it into a big huge ball of stress.  

EXACTLY!!  I hear so many people complain about the lack of physical affection, yet any physical affection previously given gave the other person a license to continue toward MORE 'affection' to sex.  

 

It's like, holding hands turns *you* on...so, in order to avoid turning you on (and then feeling crappy about doing that without the intention to do that), *we* avoid physical contact at all costs.  

 

Quote

...there is a fear that any physical closeness will inspire you to grope and look for more.

Why don't more sexuals get this?????

[Traveler40]

19 minutes ago, TryingWife said:

I may be projecting here, but the lack of touch may be because there is a fear that any physical closeness will inspire you to grope and look for more. Which takes all the fun out of cuddling and turns it into a big huge ball of stress.  

Hi Trying Wife, that’s simply not applicable to my husband.  Touch of any kind never crosses his mind.  He’s takes platonic to the extreme by nature.  

[Traveler40]

Decided against a response and deleted my post. It’s simply not worth my time and is better left unsaid.

[Traveler40]

1 hour ago, anisotropic said:

+1. This works for me. (To expand with a vulgar detail, in case it helps another: a waterproof Shibari Halo.)

👍🏻 Thanks anisotropic. Anything Lelo pretty much rocks my world given it’s all solo all the time, but will look into Shibari, thanks for the tip!  Yes, the complete lack of physical support and its effects is beyond difficult.  I’m glad your situation is better.

[anisotrophic]

1 minute ago, Traveler40 said:

👍🏻 Thanks anisotropic. Anything Lelo pretty much rocks my world given it’s all solo all the time, but will look into Shibari, thanks for the tip!  Yes, the complete lack of physical support and its effects is beyond difficult.  I’m glad your situation is better.

Ah, I haven't tried higher end stuff! I should, thank you. I had been shy about spending money on myself, in this category, but it's worth it. Because what you said rang so true: if I can do it well, my libido is solved for a time, and that's really helpful. Best of luck with your struggles.

[James121]

On 03/03/2018 at 11:30 AM, Philip027 said:

Exercise frequently. Working out reduces your testosterone levels while increasing cortisol. Marathon runners frequently have lower-than-average testosterone levels because of this.

This is total BS. Many studies have shown working out increases sex drive. Increased muscle mass = increased testosterone = higher sex drive.

Lower body fat = increased sex drive.

The only time that changes is when you get to sub 7% levels of body fat. Trust me that is almost impossible unless you are a body builder, on steroids and plan your meals 7 days in advance counting all of you macros along the way.

[lifeisntfair]

(Because I already pretty well understood what asexuality means), this was one of the first things I tried researching.

 

My conclusion was that the only real way was medications—ones that have far too many negative side effects to be worth it.

 

It would all be much easier if I didn’t want sex either. (Think of how bad it woulf be if I *hadn’t* been on SSRIs for 20 years?!?)

[SusannaC]

On 3/4/2018 at 1:38 PM, Traveler40 said:

I think it’s a common thought among sexuals who choose to stay -  “If only I could lose my sex drive...”.

 

I have even thought out probabilities:

 

1. IF I CAN make it through menopause, maybe then my drive will drop.

 

2. IF I CAN Scuba dive more often (essentially refocus my energy into other activities), I won’t want it....

 

3. IF I CAN snuggle my kids enough perhaps I won’t need more hugs....

 

4. IF I CAN just focus on what matters -(the trust, respect, stability and friendship in my relationship)

 

IF I CAN...   It never really stops.  The natural desire and ever present libido are the slow drip water torture.  Thus, the question posed by the OP.

 

The problem is, it’s not just the sex/libido for some of us.  It’s the complete and total lack of any physical intimacy of any kind.  There is No hand holding, No cuddles, No kisses, zero touch, and no mistaken grazing....none of it.  It’s as arid as the Sahara around here, and I’m dying of thirst.  Death of my libido really wouldn’t solve much.  

 

Yet I choose to stay.  An otherwise wonderful life entwined.  There is no easy path.

Your words actually make me want to cry because this is how I feel too, and how I’ve lived my life, as well.   

[anamikanon]

On 3/10/2018 at 10:16 PM, Telecaster68 said:

@anamikanon ... How would you feel about him trying hypnosis to gain a more usual sex drive? 

Funnily, I missed addressing this part of the question.... long ago.

 

Well, I would appreciate it and be totally supportive. Specially since he does enjoy sex once he gets started. Not to mention that I think at least part of his asexuality, if not fully, is a lot about inhibitions, lack of trust and lack of experience with intimacy. Not only does he enjoy sex when he has it, his overall well being is noticeably .... brighter when we have sex, even if he doesn't want it. He never regrets it, smiles more often, is more affectionate.... happy. We are closer after sex, and he does not appear to be averse in any way. He says he finds how I am after sex more appealing, but I don't think he realizes that he too is different after sex. Bizarre as it sounds, he does seem to get all the "benefits" of sex, even if he rarely wants it. So I think if he tried hypnosis to gain a more regular sex life (I don't know if there is any "usual"), it would not just help our relationship, but him personally, as well.

 

If it works, it works. If it doesn't, it doesn't. No harm, no foul. I'm all for experimenting.

 

That said, he's unlikely to try it, alas. It is a chicken or egg thing. Because he doesn't want sex, he isn't interested in anything that could make him want sex. And it isn't one of those things that I'd want to make him try. If he wants to figure out ways to want sex more, it is up to him, but it would be too much like "fixing him" for me to ask him to do it when he doesn't.

[Telecaster68]

1 hour ago, anamikanon said:

Not only does he enjoy sex when he has it, his overall well being is noticeably .... brighter when we have sex, even if he doesn't want it. He never regrets it, smiles more often, is more affectionate.... happy. We are closer after sex, and he does not appear to be averse in any way. He says he finds how I am after sex more appealing, but I don't think he realizes that he too is different after sex. Bizarre as it sounds, he does seem to get all the "benefits" of sex, even if he rarely wants it.

I've seen other sexual partners say similar stuff about the asexual partners. I really can't get my head round this... it sounds very similar to vigorous exercise; I may not spontaneously have the urge to do it, but I know I'll enjoy it when I do it (in all those kinds of ways), so I do actually want to do it, and make a point of doing it.

[andreas1033]

Self harming is not a right thing to do. But society drives people to think they have to be a certain way to be accepted, and people often go to great lengths, to have a part of them destroyed, that they do not want to accept.

 

Self harming is not a thing anyone should do.

 

You need to learn to understand yourself, if your someone whom wants to limit certain things about yourself.

[anamikanon]

18 hours ago, Telecaster68 said:

I've seen other sexual partners say similar stuff about the asexual partners. I really can't get my head round this... 

One thing I've learned with experience, apart from knowing in my head right off the bat is that he thinks very differently from me. Not just sex. Many things. And while I can try to understand, the reasoning will often make no sense to me. I have learned to understand his view in the sense of what it is and accept it as fact, without obsessing over it making sense to me or not. 

 

Lots of things i do probably don't make sense to others either *shrug*

 

Edit: As you see from this serene post, the separate beds thing is still working very well. lol. Bye-bye frustration.

 

Also, I may be a bit different and possibly may not make sense to others with the beds thing. We have a serious mismatch and it doesn't bother me at all, as long as it isn't shoved into my space. My ace using his own room, fixed our problems on the sexual front completely from the look of it. For most sexuals, this would be frustrating celibacy too. I'm totally fine.

 

We are all different people.

[Guest]

18 hours ago, Telecaster68 said:

I've seen other sexual partners say similar stuff about the asexual partners. I really can't get my head round this... it sounds very similar to vigorous exercise; I may not spontaneously have the urge to do it, but I know I'll enjoy it when I do it (in all those kinds of ways), so I do actually want to do it, and make a point of doing it.

Yep. To me it just sounds like a sexual person (who gets the same pleasure out of sex that any other sexual person does) but may just have a very low sex drive so they're not keen on doing (or initiating it) as often as the average sexual person might. Anyone who gets a 'healthy glow' after sex, and loves having it when they do have it etc, doesn't really fit the definition of asexual as far as I'm concerned. 

 

31 minutes ago, anamikanon said:

he thinks very differently from me. Not just sex. Many things. And while I can try to understand, the reasoning will often make no sense to me. I have learned to understand his view in the sense of what it is and accept it as fact, without obsessing over it making sense to me or not. 

It's quite normal for humans to think very differently from other humans. That doesn't have to have anything to do with sexual orientation though.

 

31 minutes ago, anamikanon said:

My ace using his own room, fixed our problems on the sexual front completely from the look of it. For most sexuals, this would be frustrating celibacy too. I'm totally fine.

You also have the advantage of him loving sex in the same way any other sexual does.. he just seems to have a lot lower drive to do it than the average sexual person and may not be that big on physical affection outside of sexual intimacy or whatever. But based on everything you say about him sexually (when it's good) you are in a very different position than the average sexual person in a relationship with an ace. Average sexual partners in a mixed relationship often have to wait for a long time to be 'allowed' to have sex, and when they finally get to it's usually something the ace gives up grudgingly as opposed to pleasurably with a healthy glow of mutual sexual satisfaction. Honestly, whenever you describe your partner's feelings about sex I just see someone with a very low sex drive but who loves sex in the same way anyone else does when the mood strikes him.

[anamikanon]

1 minute ago, Ficto. said:

You also have the advantage of him loving sex in the same way any other sexual does.. he just seems to have a lot lower drive to do it than the average sexual person and may not be that big on physical affection outside of sexual intimacy or whatever. But based on everything you say about him sexually (when it's good) you are in a very different position than the average sexual person in a relationship with an ace. Average sexual partners in a mixed relationship often have to wait for a long time to be 'allowed' to have sex, and when they finally get to it's usually something the ace gives up grudgingly as opposed to pleasurably with a healthy glow of mutual sexual satisfaction. Honestly, whenever you describe your partner's feelings about sex I just see someone with a very low sex drive but who loves sex in the same way anyone else does when the mood strikes him.

My point is that I'm fine if we never have sex ever again, as long as we don't have to never have sex together in my bedroom every night.

[Telecaster68]

5 hours ago, anamikanon said:

My point is that I'm fine if we never have sex ever again,

Is that if you (plural) never have sex again - as long as you (singular) do? Because if you'd be happy to never have sex again, period, I'd say it's a not-entirely-sexual attitude to sexuality...

[Guest]

4 hours ago, Telecaster68 said:

Is that if you (plural) never have sex again - as long as you (singular) do? Because if you'd be happy to never have sex again, period, I'd say it's a not-entirely-sexual attitude to sexuality...

Your position on sexuality is confusing to figure out. 

 

I want and desire sexual contact with my spouse. I initiate and enjoy it. Being with my spouse can activate my libido. I have drawers stuffed with sex toys we both like. However, if tomorrow my spouse said no more sex stuff, not into it and was still into me I would be fine. I dont need it, I just like it and want to do it with them. Without them wanting it though no point and our relationship has plenty without it. 

 

You have called me ace before because of not needing it.

 

However... if an asexual says they seek out and initiate sex cause they like it and its available, you say they arent ace cause they want sex and initiate for their own pleasure. 

 

Anamarikon likes sex and desires it and is frustrated not doing it when sharing a bed. But, if they were OK celibate without the frustration you would deem them not sexual? 

 

But im guessing if an ace said sharing a bed was too sexually frustrating cause it made them want sex, you would say its a not asexual attitude.

[anisotrophic]

On 12/22/2018 at 3:28 AM, Telecaster68 said:

I've seen other sexual partners say similar stuff about the asexual partners. I really can't get my head round this...

Hm. I'm not sure this quite matches my partner.

 

He's physiologically able to be aroused and experience pleasurable sensations but it just doesn't connect to something he has any interest in doing... including while we do it. (The one thing he might say he "wants" is that it's not great to do stuff and not, err, release at some point. That's male anatomy I guess?) And he knows what a partner wants -- he's not going to pretend sexual illiteracy -- but he's not experiencing an emotional response from it, so... he's going along with it because someone else wants it. And now that we've recognized that, it does mean we recognize it's best for him to be feeling rested and unstressed and generally positive that doing it is something that has indirect rewards (seeing the other person happy).

 

From this you might think he's not affectionate but he's very much so! It just never connected to sex, which was a really dissonant experience when we didn't understand it.

[anamikanon]

7 hours ago, Telecaster68 said:

Is that if you (plural) never have sex again - as long as you (singular) do? Because if you'd be happy to never have sex again, period, I'd say it's a not-entirely-sexual attitude to sexuality...

As I said before at some point, I'm probably sapiosexual, demisexual something. More importantly, I am extremely asocial. My idea of having an excellent time is being by myself, doing something I enjoy. I want to have sex if I am attracted to someone, but I don't need sex like a regular maintenance thing. Sure, I masturbate frequently, etc, but no, I don't get frustrated and unhappy without sex unless it is someone I am in an intimate relationship with and am attracted to being conspicuously UNattracted to me. Then it bothers me.

 

So, if I'm on my own, sex is not even on my mind. I may masturbate regularly, but I feel no need to recruit a penis into my life. I am polyamorous by belief, but before I met my ace, I was single and not looking. He really had to pursue me. After I met him, I still didn't look. Now I know he's ace, and I'm still not interested in looking. If I have time on my hands, another person is not a priority for filling it with.