Just left my partner, coming to grips with being ace, now a single mum, generally a bit of a mess

[WhoTheHeckAmI]

Content note: sexual assault, divorce, total panic

 

So the title covers most of it.  

 

I realised I was probably Ace as a teenager, but I was molested soon afterwards (by an adult who called me "frigid"). In sexual assault recovery a big part of it was "reclaiming your sexuality".

 

Anyway, I met a lovely woman (I identified as a lesbian at the time), we got married, had a kid through IUI, bought a house. And then made each other pretty miserable.  We never had enough sex for her, and I found the partnership to be unequal in other ways (eg. Housework). 

 

Last year our daughter and I were diagnosed with autism, and my partner was diagnosed with ADHD. This was a good thing, and led to a big leap in self -awareness for all of us.  But it got me thinking about asexuality again.  

 

We'd been in couples counseling, self - help books etc, but today she told me she had feelings for a friend and suddenly I was just done. 

 

So we separated today by mutual agreement. We both thought it was a great call.  But now  I'm in our bed realising that even though this is for the best it's also a huge change, and I'm just panicking thinking about no more cuddles. 

 

I know I should be happy with no more sex pressure (And I really am), but I just feel so messed up right now. 

 

Who the hell am I and how do I get through this? 

 

So that's me at the moment. I hope that once I've calmed down ill be able to contribute more to the community than panicked rants. 

 

 

[MissMidnight]

Finding who you are outside of relationship can be really difficult especially if it was a long relationship as your so use to being a couple. 

As for your bedroom. I'd suggest redecorating and I mean this in the sense of you probably look around your room and everything is probably attached to memories or shared items and I found finding myself out of a relationship it was easier once I didnt have constant reminders of things. This was a while back for me but it helped. Also new bedding surprising helped. 

 

I cant understand all of what your going through but you will be okay  its just going to be rough for a little while, while you find your own feet again

[Gldlynch]

Hi WhoTheHeckAmI

 

Welcome to AVEN!

 

I'm sorry to hear that you have gone through this. A family break up is never easy, especially when simultaneously linked with several new medical diagnosis's.

 

As much as the situation is "messed up" right now, we must always look for a silver-lining. Perhaps take this opportunity to bond with your daughter? I'm sure in due time, the right person will come along and bring positive change to your life (:

[banoffeepie]

3 hours ago, MissMidnight said:

As for your bedroom. I'd suggest redecorating and I mean this in the sense of you probably look around your room and everything is probably attached to memories or shared items and I found finding myself out of a relationship it was easier once I didnt have constant reminders of things.

Great advice.. I did this after my ex left after 20 odd years. The bedroom and bedding .. and bed!  was more important than the rest of the house.

 

Hi and welcome btw

 

Knowing yourself is a great step to being comfortable in your new life. When you are comfortable and confident about your place in the world then people who respect you will probably find that attractive ... and who knows? 

 

I had a bit of a crisis about who I really was after my large family all disappeared for different reasons.. growing up and divorce due to my asexuality.

 

So a fairly simple definition is a good starting point.. for example you might define yourself ;

 

"I am a hard-working proud mother who concentrates on raising my child to have a better life than I did. I am ace but love romance and gestures of affection. I'm not looking for anyone right now, but you can't plan when romance arrives so I'll just be open and sociable in real life and online, and see what happens."

 

I found it comforting to define myself similarly to this as a start to the rest of my life.

[WhoTheHeckAmI]

Thank you everyone for the warm welcome, and the great advice.  

[Lia]

Hello there, and welcome to AVEN! 

As part of my welcome to you, I'd like to point out some important threads that might be helpful in your first few days here.  The Terms of Service is here. We recommend you read it over, and if you have any questions please don't hesitate to send either myself or any other administrator or moderator (the "admod" team, as we're called) a message.  Also, there's a handy forum called Site Info, which has some useful information including a thread outlining who moderates which forum. If you ever need something done in or have questions about a specific forum, please message the mod of that forum. And if you have problems with the site in general, or any single member, please message any admod. 

The following are also nifty links to take a look at:  Welcome Lounge Mini Manual | Welcoming 101 | Quick Guide to the Forums | Asexuality FAQ's

 Again, welcome to AVEN and I hope your stay is everything you hoped!

[Guest]

Hello and welcome!  

 

[WhoTheHeckAmI]

Thanks everyone for the warm welcome and good advice.

[NickyTannock]

Welcome to AVEN!

 

Hopefully, things get better for you.