Ace or scared? What's wrong with me?

[loupy]

Struggling to make sense of things, but I'll do my best to explain. 

 

I generally prefer not to label myself to others but I like having an idea in my head of what I think fits me. I've sort of been settled for a while on: bi/pan, romantic, demi/gray-ace.

 

I've always felt broken. I didn't feel attraction to anyone at school and I just assumed I would grow into it... then I didn't. I made up crushes because my friends didn't believe that I genuinely wasn't attracted to anyone.

 

There are 2 people in my life where I've developed strong feelings. The first was a girl at uni who was my best friend at the time. I wanted to be with her all of the time, wanted to cuddle and such. Didn't really have any sexual inclination towards her, but the thought didn't feel odd either (as it would with other friends). Anyway, nothing happened between us, she was straight and ended up getting a boyfriend. I never expected anything to happen, I knew we were just friends. I wouldn't say I was jealous of him, but it did upset me that she didn't have as much time for me anymore and I wasn't the first person she came to anymore. I didn't think her relationship needed to change ours, but of course it did. 

 

The second was a guy who I similarly wanted to be around a lot and wanted to be in physical contact with, who was constantly on my mind. He had a girlfriend for the whole time I had these feelings. I think I did start to have sexual feelings for him and I did hope at one point that he would break up with his girlfriend. He didn't. When I realised that he wouldn't and nothing was going to happen between us I was devastated.

 

Here's the thing - both of these relationships developed at times when I was severely depressed. Which leaves me wondering if the attachment was more just a function of my desperate need for someone to "save" me (and they were the people who were really there for me at the time). And does that mean that I'm not capable of developing attraction when I'm well?

 

Also they were both totally unavailable. Strangely I do feel attraction to some celebrities or tv characters etc... just not irl, except in these 2 cases. What's that about? Why am I only attracted to people who are completely unavailable?

 

What is wrong with me? Why can't I be like everyone else? I'm 25 and I've never had a relationship. I'm not bothered about sex, but I want a relationship and a family at some point. I've often wished that my friends never started having relationships and that out friendships could just keep being the most important thing. I feel like I just stopped developing at some point in my teens and every year I get left further behind everyone else.

 

How much of this is sexuality and how much is fear? Either way what the hell do I do about it?

[binary suns]

romantically, I've only had attraction for 4 people and each time they were already in my past - gone seperate ways. except the fourth which was on a friend. 

 

it feels dumb to be attracted to people from my past, but for me that last crush changed things - it wasn't true that I could only like people I couldn't date - I liked someone available! and for me, the feels only slowly fade... I'm still attracted to half of the crushes. feel fondly of the other two - don't think I'll stop feeling fond of em.

 

Idk how to offer any guidance or advice but maybe knowing someone can relate can help. 

 

 

ps. also I definitely feel clingy to people when I'm really depressed... craving for attention... but once I take a step away from the person and check myself emotionally I realize that I'm just down in the dumps lonely. I don't think I've ever mistaken my need for attention for attraction tho - it just is different for me. IDK about anyone else tho... I know that there can be people who lose a relationship and get right into another one right away and for them their loss of the connection can instigate searching for someone else... but I've never experienced that myself ever so I don't even understand it. 

[Yeast]

18 minutes ago, loupy said:

Why can't I be like everyone else? I'm 25 and I've never had a relationship. I'm not bothered about sex, but I want a relationship and a family at some point.

I'm afraid you can't be like everybody else. No two people are identical, meaning nobody can be like everybody else.  I'm 60 and have never had what might be called a relationship. Not bothered by sex but I just am not interested. Nothing wrong with wanting a relationship but do be aware there may be a few problems if your partner is sexual and you are not. The best case scenario is that you have sex to please your partner despite the fact you might be completely indifferent to it. I've read of many situations such as these. The most common problem was the sexual partner wanted sex more frequently than the asexual one. If this won't be an issue for you then things ought to work out. Of course the possibility exists that your partner may become concerned about a certain lack of sexual spontaneity. Being honest and open about your sexual orientation helps to prevent any misunderstandings. The problem here may be your partner simply doesn't believe a person can lack sexual attraction. This is where AVEN helps since it is a wonderful source of information. Being attracted to people you know you can't be close to is often involved in fantasying. An attraction to movie stars and the like certainly falls under this category. Getting attracted to people because you were depressed just means you were asking for help. There's nothing wrong with that. There's nothing wrong with you either. Perhaps it might help to ask yourself why you are concerned with the fact you don't feel attraction when you are not depressed. Perhaps you have the desire to have romantic feelings. I've read posts from many asexuals who seemed romantically attached to other people.

[Malphas]

Well, you sound asexual to me, but I'm not sure if that was your question. Your attractions may just be bad luck, but don't give up hope. Only recently I've been where you are; questioning everything and upset and yearning for answers. But trust me, things will get better in their own time. Just keep going and don't give up hope

[Farin Fae]

First off, I'm sorry to hear that you're feeling this way. I can totally relate to the "always liking people who can never really like me" part, but the depressed part not so much. It's not that I don't get depressed, but personally, when I'm depressed I tend to detach myself from everybody and everything really. So kind of the opposite from what you seem to do. Idk why but for some reason it's just instinct for me and honestly, I don't mind it. Also, as one of the above replies mentions, maybe you mainly just have romantic feelings for people. In any case, you are perfectly normal, people experience things like these all the time and just because certain things we do don't fit into the societal standards that people have set for us, doesn't mean it isn't right. It's just you doing what's normal for you. Oh, and being yourself is better than being like everyone else. Personally, whenever I try to conform to the standards of people of my biological gender and different sexualities, it simply doesn't feel right. I don't know if anyone can relate, although I'm sure many people can, but I feel more comfortable just not conforming to stereotypes and what people think they should see in me. And I'm not sure if this is part of what you're stressing about, but even if you do identify as asexual, or one of the many subtypes in that range/field, you can still have a family and a relationship. There are around like 7,605,425,350 people in the world, so don't stress about it. I know I'm saying this like, a million times, but don't try to be like everyone else please. Considering the number of people in the world, you'd be spread way to thin, and I think that'd honestly be more stressful than just being yourself, that way you only have to figure out one person. Truly though, I really do hope that you sort this out. And no matter the advice you get, do whatever feels best for you and whatever you feel comfortable with. Take the advice into account of course, but try to be yourself in the process. I truly do believe that most of the time it really is harder to be someone else.

[soda59]

"I wouldn't say I was jealous of him, but it did upset me that she didn't have as much time for me anymore and I wasn't the first person she came to anymore.

 

I've often wished that my friends never started having relationships and that out friendships could just keep being the most important thing. I feel like I just stopped developing at some point in my teens and every year I get left further behind everyone else. "

 

@loupy I picked these quotes because they are something I feel deeply.  I feel like somewhere my sexuality got stuck and didn't grow. I'm not sure if you can say children have a sexuality exactly, but I did have crushes on boy bands and actors and cartoon characters...etc...I am still there- it never grew into wanting physical contact. (when you are a kid, you are like ooo! hes cute! but...you maybe imagine what it would be like if you were older and you'd be in love, but you hardly think of sex) It sometimes does feel like I never 'grew up'.

 

I also get upset that I have to let people go ....But maybe this is something every person feels...I think maybe just as an asexual aromantic, like I tend to be, (or an asexual that rarely dates)  you can feel it more. Friendships are the highest relationship I have...and I often wish we could all just spend all our time together and not worry about things that get in the way. ..Some people have really cool lovers though, and it ends up being fine, but other people have ones that seem to alter the dynamic so it's never the same.  Any life changes do that though....

 

I would call it jealousy on my part, though. I do crave that emotional closeness. I am considering 'dating' but worried because I'm not a particularly romantic person. I just think I want someone to be close to and live with....Have you thought about trying to date?  (I have also never had a relationship and I am 26). I am starting to figure it is probably time to stop 'waiting around' if I actually do want to form relationships with people. I tend to have very very few friends as well, and I feel its time to change that anyway. It's okay to be that way, but I feel like I want it to change for myself.

[anamikanon]

5 hours ago, loupy said:

There are 2 people in my life where I've developed strong feelings. [...]- both of these relationships developed at times when I was severely depressed. Which leaves me wondering if the attachment was more just a function of my desperate need for someone to "save" me (and they were the people who were really there for me at the time). And does that mean that I'm not capable of developing attraction when I'm well?

 

Also they were both totally unavailable. Strangely I do feel attraction to some celebrities or tv characters etc... just not irl, except in these 2 cases. What's that about? Why am I only attracted to people who are completely unavailable?

 

What is wrong with me? Why can't I be like everyone else? I'm 25 and I've never had a relationship. I'm not bothered about sex, but I want a relationship and a family at some point. I've often wished that my friends never started having relationships and that out friendships could just keep being the most important thing. I feel like I just stopped developing at some point in my teens and every year I get left further behind everyone else.

 

How much of this is sexuality and how much is fear? Either way what the hell do I do about it?

My ace and I met because he followed a "fantasy" of sorts. I am something of a minor "social media celebrity" - ordinary people who say interesting things publicly, so they get listened to - not a big deal, but known and respected among those who follow me. My ace had been reading my articles and following me for several years and admired me very much. I had no idea he existed. He also commented a couple of times to something I said (I discovered later) on and off.

 

I noticed him when he made a really perceptive comment and we had a brief conversation. It didn't mean much to me other than a pleasant interaction among thousands. But when I asked for someone to collaborate on a book I wanted to write, he immediately volunteered. We got chatting and hit it off immediately. He offered to come over and meet me so that we could discuss the book in person. WHAT? I was in another city altogether and not even a nearby city.

 

My first impression of him in person was that of someone really vulnerable, "lost" about himself - he really didn't have a high opinion of himself. Forget high, he had a low opinion of himself, but also desperately wanting to be accepted and when he found that with me, he was willing to do anything for it. This resonates with what you said about the crush happening when he was depressed and needing someone to "save". He had me way high on a pedestal to an "OMG I can't believe you're talking to me one on one" grade - it seemed a bit extreme - I really am not that big a deal and I certainly talk easily enough with most people, so it wasn't even rare that I talked to him.

 

To make a very long story short, he fell in crush with me because I was a "fantasy" come to life (become accessible - he could chat, talk, meet me). He fell in love with me when he realized that I really understood him very well (I understand most people well - I have a background of applied psychology and behavioral sciences - it wasn't something I did uniquely for him. My presence simply was therapeutic and he grabbed on). Our relationship went nowhere on my end beyond being friendly with a very needy fan till I was able to get him to see me as a human. A person. Not some imaginary perfection. Not higher or lower than him. This was unusually hard.

 

your post makes me wonder if he enjoyed that "fantasy" aspect. He relates better with concepts, mental images,  the abstract, art, poetry... than reality overall. Even on a sexual level (he is able to have and enjoy sex), he has described his wanting sex because of "finding a situation suitable/favorable for sex" based on his mental concept of what sexy situations are like rather than feeling desire for a partner standing in front of him. Worked better when I was the "fantasy". lol

 

To make a long story short, over the years, we discovered a lot of other issues he was facing as well. Self esteem, anxiety, difficulty stating emotions and more. I don't know if this is the case with you, but some of the things (and the manner) you describe remind me so much of him from those days that I wouldn't be surprised if you do. Here is what you may want to know about that man four years later - if the description strikes recognition:

 

• He is right now in a happy committed relationship with a sexual (me) who loves him to bits, considers her son as his own, lives with them and her mother as a family. The sex too may not be perfect, but it pleases us both and brings us closer.
• There were definitely several and serious challenges (specifically related to his sexual and interpersonal responses in the relationship) that took commitment and tenacity on the part of both of us to overcome.
• I don't think it could have worked if I didn't have a pretty heavy competence with psychology and applied behavioral sciences. Both of us would have ended up confused, lost feeling misunderstood and separated. As in, the need was not just for a partner to be understanding, but also to be able to sense and diagnose from nuances of his observed behavior what is going on with him, because he neither understood it himself nor was able to articulate the confusion in his mind well initially and it definitely needed addressing and we continue to work on several things. Him independently as well as with my support. He considered therapy, but felt more comfortable with me and so far it appears to be helping, so it is fine. If my competence was not enough (I am not a practicing professional, though I trained and self-learned extensively beyond it), I'd definitely urge him to meet a good therapist.
• If I had to advise the man he was then, I would definitely recommend to proactively meet a therapist and address issues related with loneliness or anxiety or self esteem and so on. Asexuality is complicated enough without additionally dumping a lot of other psychological stuff on a new relationship. Also the therapy would have the additional effects of making him more secure about himself when he approached someone for a relationship and give him very necessary vocabulary for putting words to things about himself a partner should know, which would drastically reduce the initial chaos from misunderstanding asexuality or even other things and traits that a partner would need to understand were not about her. A lot of hurt could have been prevented.
• We did not know that he was asexual. He actually pursued me for a relationship - sex and all. This was a cause for a lot of distress for me (and thus for him too) when his interest in sex dropped (it was high initially - I suppose it was a fantasy coming to life). You know this already and will be able to tell a partner appropriately going into a relationship. So it does not apply here.

And finally, at the other end of a fantasy, there is a real person who probably sees themselves as relatively ordinary. Sometimes it can work. Don't hesitate to strike a communication if you wish.

 

I hope you are able to find what you seek.

[loupy]

Thank you all for your kind words and trying to help me to figure this out.

 

Regarding depression - I've suffered with it episodically for a lot of years and had a lot of therapy. With my current therapist it's been about 2 years and we're coming to a close soon. I think I'll always have it but I've learned to manage it much better. However there is a sticking point, which I feel therapy has not adressed and I think my therapist doesn't think it can. That is that I think I will always be alone (never get the relationship and/or family I want) and so when I let myself think about that then life seems not worth living.

I think this because: the aforementioned issues of not feeling attraction myself, the fact that no one has ever shown any interest in a relationship with me, the fact I'm 25 and have never had any relationship. Whilst I am able to constantly distract myself in life and focus on other goals I can do really well, but if I let myself think about being alone forever then I fall down this rabbit hole of suicidal thinking.

 

@Farin Fae @float on generally speaking I also isolate myself when depressed. These 2 people were the exceptions to rule. The strong relationships with them did start to develop before my mental health deteriorated into a depressive episode, but it's difficult to disentangle what happened with my feelings once things started to slide.

 

Re sex itself - this is a bit more complicated. I do have a sex drive and I fantasise. I have no sexual experience. In theory I would like to have sex and I want that closeness with someone. In reality I hate my body and I cannot see anyway that I would ever be less ashamed and actually able to do it. Not because I wouldn't want to, but because I hate the way I look. I feel ashamed even when I do it alone.

 

@spazzticsoda I see your point about dating. I have absolutely no idea how to do it. I live in a rural area where it's not easy to meet people. I wouldn't know where to begin and how do I protect myself enough to ensure rejection doesn't crush me? (I know there's a degree of having to make yourself vulnerable, but how can I make sure that's steady and manageable, like graded exposure rather than sudden)

[binary suns]

idk practice body positivity. I don't know much about that tho. But I do know that part of negativity is its habit. so challenge that habit with some good habit instead. 

 

I had sever anxiety in my life and I still have anxiety. But I practiced noticing it - it comes and it changes the way I think. So I notice it and know to not trust myself when I'm in a bad place. I know to look to the bigger picture to be grounded. I found activities that help me be stronger in those times. 

 

I also found that eating regularly and more healthfully, sleeping more regularly and more healthfully. both helped me have more stability in my mood. not fixing it but it helped a little. I expect this would be true for anyone's emotional frustrations - a stronger base of consistency helps the negativity weigh less.

 

I also found that exercise and being outside helped a lot too. My body was weak and that made my emotions strogner. Body and mind are connected. go for walks they are great. 

 

 

And then regarding negativity itself... just notice that negativity, notice what it comes from, what it's concerned about. Are you worried about looks because.... because for what? find that and figure out what to do about it. 

 

And work to notice the positive more so. see what's good. I found that if I sat in bed trying to figure out why I was so apathetic, I would discover reasons to be apathetic. Imagine that  So instead when I feel apathetic - I look for reasons to be motivated. And I find reasons to be motivated it's kinda silly how straightforward that is, and yet my instinct has always been to look for more negativity. slowly that instinct is changing. 

 

and it takes practice. You don't have to do it right or do it well even. Just practice it. practice it and you'll learn it over time. 

 

 

IDK if you ever envied great artists. I did. It's easy to think they have some ingrained talent that makes them amazing. well they have talent - but they practiced it. They liked art enough to draw for many years. And they also were driven to improve. Between those two interests they had habit. That is all - they had enough investment in art to have a habit that improved it over time until they had enough of the right kind of practice to do it well with natural flow. 

 

So I let artists inspire me - they do something even tho they have criticism about it, and that criticism only drove them to improve. and they had drive for their practice just because they liked it. So for me - my dislike of my looks I'm allowing it to drive me to be more of an artist with them. I put aside clothes that I clung to because they described someone lazy - because I wanted to put her behind me. I found clothes that make me feel happy, pretty. I put them in my closet and wear 'em. I'm now working to learn makeup. I always liked makeup and wished I could be like other girls... but why not? it's just a matter of actually doing it

 

For me I don't like the way I look because I wished I looked different. well - I have the power of choice and the power of habit to accomplish that! it'll take some time, some practice. but that's okay. 

 

so why is it that you don't like the way you looked? find that reason and translate it into motivation instead of self-bullying. and remember - it's practice! keep at it and over time you'll improve. Every three months i look back and see my improvement and that gives me so much hope and drive  

 

[Farin Fae]

1 hour ago, loupy said:

That is that I think I will always be alone (never get the relationship and/or family I want) and so when I let myself think about that then life seems not worth living.

I feel ya on this front. I just start to go further down that rabbit hole of "They'll never like me back" or "I'll never find someone like them". It's like a never ending cycle, and it can be toxic but it's also intoxicating because you don't want to stop thinking about them. As for your struggles with mental health, I'm sorry to hear what you've been going through, and I'm glad to hear (I assume at least) that it's getting better. I can relate on the part where it takes a long time to get better, I struggled with mental health issues as well and it took a while for them to improve. Although it still renews itself once in a while, and I must admit that while I don't believe it will ever truly be gone, I like to think that maybe one day it'll just disappear and I won't have to worry about it anymore. But it does get better as long as you work at it, that I can assure you. And as for your lack of body confidence, I am sorry to hear you feel that way, but that too is a habit hole that you mustn't allow yourself to follow. The more you think like that, the worse it'll get. The only advice I can think to offer right now is to try and reform that cycle of thinking that you have and maybe try to invert some of those thoughts into positive ones. Start small, don't push yourself or overexert you mental capabilities. We are all only capable of dealing with a certain amount of stress, and so if you push yourself too hard, it may only make matters worse for yourself. But yeah, I'm sorry to hear you feel this way, and I hope that you'll find a way to make it all better for yourself.