In a bit of a pickle with my feelings.

[Shronk]

Been dating a guy for 5 years now. First two were fantastic, we couldn't get enough of each other. We were only 16 at the time and it quickly became very serious. We had sex, I didn't really like it, but I ashamed to say that I faked liking it. 2 years later the sex slowed down, but it wasn't a big deal.  Anyway long story short I came out as asexual 6 months ago and have never been happier. But my relationship is pretty much over. We don't even class ourselves as a couple, we just live together. There is no romance nothing. Its like we are good friends, like before we got together.

 

However, I am having some trouble with my feelings. I ain't going to use real names here. I am so paranoid one of my friends may find this post or even my boyfriends himself. But there is another guy and I have feelings for him. He has obviously friend-zoned me. But I get giddy like a school girl when he talks to me. I ain't his type, I am literally the opposite (I am a 5'4, very plump, blonde). When I first met this lad, I caught feelings but buried them away and convinced myself that I didn't.  As we spend more time together the more I feel for him. My brain is sometimes like "he might actually like me back because he is speaking to me".  I am being an idiot I know. But I don't know what to do. 

 

Can someone offer advice please?

[Guest]

Sounds like it's time to end your current relationship. Then you can explore other possibilities. Until then, you're kind of flirting with cheating, which could hurt your partner even if things aren't so good at the moment. 

[Shronk]

17 minutes ago, Serran said:

Sounds like it's time to end your current relationship. Then you can explore other possibilities. Until then, you're kind of flirting with cheating, which could hurt your partner even if things aren't so good at the moment. 

I don't plan on even telling the other person how I feel, as I still feel deeply for my partner. We technically aren't together. It's very complicated, we share a lease on a house and a dog so we still live together. I am moving away in 6months for uni so we don't really see the point in moving in different house as we won't be able to afford it individually. Its very messy. I just hate having feelings for someone else it makes me wanna throw up.

[binary suns]

its okay to have feelings for different people. that in and of itself is normal, healthy... some people do "turn off to others" when in a relationship but plenty of people don't. they learn to allow their feelings to exist without needing to act on them. 

[Yeast]

What seems to complicate this situation is the fact you can't afford housing individually so you have to avoid driving your friend away. Ordinarily if my friend was attracted to another person it would not matter to me. I was even once in a very long relationship like this. She had boyfriends and probably thought I was gay. It didn't matter to either of us though. One thing to take into account however is that although you may have had few if any sexual feelings for your partner the same might not be true of them. However it would be unfair for them to think of you as cheating on them at this point in your relationship but I suppose it could happen. From what I have read it sounds as though you are an asexual who is inclined to be romantic. Many are. I hope you solve your problems although it may take a bit of diplomacy. 

[Purple Wanderer]

Been through similar. Unhappy living with a relation that was over, hated even more being stuck living them afterwards

[Philip027]

Feelings are okay, they happen, we don't control them, shouldn't beat yourself up over them.  What matters is what you choose to do about them, which we DO have control over.

[Depressed1980]

On 3/1/2018 at 3:52 PM, Shronk said:

Been dating a guy for 5 years now. First two were fantastic, we couldn't get enough of each other. We were only 16 at the time and it quickly became very serious. We had sex, I didn't really like it, but I ashamed to say that I faked liking it. 2 years later the sex slowed down, but it wasn't a big deal.  Anyway long story short I came out as asexual 6 months ago and have never been happier. But my relationship is pretty much over. We don't even class ourselves as a couple, we just live together. There is no romance nothing. Its like we are good friends, like before we got together.

 

However, I am having some trouble with my feelings. I ain't going to use real names here. I am so paranoid one of my friends may find this post or even my boyfriends himself. But there is another guy and I have feelings for him. He has obviously friend-zoned me. But I get giddy like a school girl when he talks to me. I ain't his type, I am literally the opposite (I am a 5'4, very plump, blonde). When I first met this lad, I caught feelings but buried them away and convinced myself that I didn't.  As we spend more time together the more I feel for him. My brain is sometimes like "he might actually like me back because he is speaking to me".  I am being an idiot I know. But I don't know what to do. 

 

Can someone offer advice please?

This relationship won’t last. It’s time to be honest and lay it all out on the table. I’m in a similar situation but I’m the opposite spouse ( I’m the sexual and she’s asexual. She never told me and faked it. Now we are very successful but require both wages and we have a child). I need the sexual relationship as much as she doesn’t need it. I’ve been “faking” it for years. Became dependent on alcohol and porn. It’s not the same. I can give up alcohol but I can’t give up my sexual need. I love my wife. But it is probably going to end. She wouldn’t allow me to be with someone else sexually but I have a typical basic need. If he’s in the situation I’m in he’s either going to end it or cheat ( i can’t bring myself to do either but it’s becoming a more constant thought). A relationship requires both parties understanding each other and with an asexual/sexual combo it’s nearly impossible.