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How to make it work?


Hannah13

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Hi guys, I'm quite new to all this, so I guess I just need some support and hope that I will find someone like me in the future...

This is my story (sorry, it might be long but like I said, I'm new and totally inexperienced when it comes to this ... "problem", I don't even know how to call it...): I kept blaming most guys for being too horny all the time (I spent a lot of time in Greece, Greeks are the most horny in the world, I guess, no intention to offend anyone :D ), but only when I found a non-Greek guy, great in every possible sense, kind, gentle, understanding, did I start thinking that maybe I'm the one who has a problem, not the poor Greeks. :D <3 

 

I'm 28, so I did have relationships in the past, one of which was quite long but luckily for me I guess my boyfriend was an ace as well. He rarely initiated sex although I know he cared a lot about me, and he also said he thought that this lack of interest in sex was the reason his ex broke up with him. But I didn't mind, I just thought "OK, some people are more interested in sex, some are less". But a few weeks ago, I discussed my attitude towards sex with one friend and she said "you're demisexual". I'm what?! :D I came home and spent 3 hours doing research, reading... You can't imagine the look on my current boyfriend's face when I said "I wouldn't feel sexual desire even if I saw you naked right now" (although he has been great to me ever since I told him about this "problem" I have). I told him about it 2 weeks ago, I said I would completely understand if he decided to leave, but he didn't... He doesn't want to break up and says he understands my "condition", but it gets on my nerves that every time we meet (he always expects me to come at his place even if we go out for a drink before that), he starts kissing me passionately and ends up on top of me, trying to get more. When I remind him of our discussion, he apologizes and says he can't control himself. Really? Isn't the self-control what distinguishes us from animals? *I have to apologize to all sexuals here if I'm wrong but I just don't understand how someone can't control themselves if I explain everything and ask them kindly to do so.

To cut the long story short (or at least try :D ), I really don't want to lose this guy. I really like him, he's caring and intelligent and cute and he doesn't make a big deal out of all this, but I do. I feel guilty for not being able to sleep with him more often, for not enjoying it when I do, for never initiating it... I feel afraid that I might fall in love with him in a couple of weeks/months and that he will then break up with me because he won't be able to deal with it. He can deal with it now because he's still excited about spending time with me - talking, joking, laughing, texting, kissing... but what when all that becomes "not enough"? 

You know what I spent  the most time looking for? The "cure"! The way to "fix" it. But it seems there is no "cure" and I have no idea what to do. He is quite understanding but it annoys me that I have to stop him every time he tries to bring cuddling to a higher level, and I don't want to avoid cuddling too because I feel I would ask too much from him. And I also enjoy cuddling (sometimes, not every goddamn time).

I guess I'm not totally asexual, but demisexual like my friend said because I did want sex with the guy I was crazy in love with for years. And I also have some strong sexual desire when I think about a few older guys - all of whom I have known for a long time (10-15 years older than me, but age is not the only thing they have in common, there's also something scary in their eyes :D you know, it's like their eyes scream masculinity, you feel they could kill you with just one look :D ), but there's a handful of those, not just "ANY older guy". 

 

So, I guess I just need to know if there are also some men / boys who are in the same situation... I'm just looking for hope that I might find someone similar in the future, someone who will enjoy watching movies, eating pizza, kissing - without necessarily throwing me onto the bed every time :D, letting me sleep on his shoulder and having sex... I don't know, once a month and being satisfied with it. :)

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Kay, I'm a girl, but the following is extremely important.

Being demi or any type or form of asexuality is NOT a condition or a problem. It isn't something that needs to be fixed. It's just as valid as being straight, gay, or bi.

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Lucas Monteiro

First of all, let me say to you welcome to AVEN.

 

To answer your question, no you can't control your sexual desires or even the lack of them. You can't expect to one day, when waking up saying to yourself "I guess I can now control my sexual desires, I wouldn't feel any towards anyone" or even "I now don't have any sexual desires". That's just not possible. We are still animals, what just differ us from other animals is that we have something called consciousness, we can act on the world according to our own thoughts and feelings. That's really the only thing that we are different, a truly difference, but the only one.

 

Besides all that, asexuality it's not a problem or condition just like @imahappynothing said, there is nothing to be fixed because it's not a problem. Asexuality may or may not make your relationships be more complicated, but that doesn't mean you can't have a good and fulfilling relationship.

 

From what you wrote, you seem to be demisexual. You can have sexual attraction when you have developed emotional feelings towards someone. There are men who are demisexual and feel exactly the same way as you do and who could do just fine in a relationship withou having too much sex. So, you are not alone. And I'm sure you will find someone eventually, you just have to keep looking and not giving up.

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