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A question for asexuals

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ryn2
On 3/8/2018 at 8:49 AM, GLRDT said:

This wuz me!

Same.  While it would be wrong (or at least misguided) for me to enter into a new relationship with a sexual now without disclosing my status, I didn’t know my status until nearly 15 years into my marriage.  I can certain see how it could feel like a bait-and-switch but I had no idea at the time.

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Pan Ficto. (on hiatus?)
8 hours ago, ryn2 said:

Same.  While it would be wrong (or at least misguided) for me to enter into a new relationship with a sexual now without disclosing my status, I didn’t know my status until nearly 15 years into my marriage.  I can certain see how it could feel like a bait-and-switch but I had no idea at the time.

Yeah same. I didn't know anything about asexuality the whole time I was with my sexual ex (5 years) ..I knew I didn't like or want sex but assumed it was sort of normal to feel that way then I started figuring it must just be something wrong with me specifically but that there would be no one else like me :o It wasn't until two years after I left him that I learned about asexuality, in 2013!

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MrDane
On 1/3/2018 at 12:37 PM, Telecaster68 said:

Yes, I know. That's my point, and what I explicitly said. You, Serran, and Vega57 cite your past partners as continually trying it on. It's clear other asexual posters compromise too, and I have acknowledged that in my posts. By the same token, plenty of sexual posters on AVEN (most, in fact), aren't like the past partners you, Serran and Vega57 quote, as you say yourself. Being tarred with that brush is hurtful too.

 

My blanket statement isn't about all sexuals. It's about the nature of all sexual relationships, and short of rape, the partner who says 'no' simply does have the power to prevent the other partner having sex. Always. That is gatekeeping. Similarly with any kind of physical affection.

 

I agree - but asexual partners who say no aren't 'giving sex', so logically, they're not pain from it. They might feel distressed because they're saying no, but they're not in pain from not saying no. They're in pain because they've exercised their agency, at the expense of their partner's agency, and recognise the pain their decision has caused.

 

I completely agree with the statement of @Telecaster68! In a normal, average relationship, there is a mutual understanding that ‘stop’ and ‘no’ means that the action will not take place. It requires two accepting individuals. If one says ‘no’, it will not happen until two agrees that it is okay. This is ‘gatekeeping’. 

The next aspect is how things evolve from the ‘no’. I think, most sexuals would try to persuade their partner, have another go at getting a ‘yes’ or perhaps just be a bit irritated. Perhaps a lot irritated, which could lead to being sad, hurt, depressed, stressed, rejected, feeling lonely...

The asexual can also feel irritated, stressed, sad... but the sex is off untill both agrees to put it on.

 

To the OP: I understand how the hug and cuddle and kissing can be hard to not get if you want intimacy/connection like this. I have for years, 15+, used this as a nice way to be with my spouse and while in the ‘hug’ also trying to feel if she perhaps was up for sex later. Turned out to be a wrong thing to do with this perticular asexual.  Today I limit my hugs and kisses and only expect things to happen on our scheduled, pre-agreed dates. 

 

 

 

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ryn2
6 hours ago, FictoVore. said:

Yeah same. I didn't know anything about asexuality the whole time I was with my sexual ex (5 years) ..I knew I didn't like or want sex but assumed it was sort of normal to feel that way then I started figuring it must just be something wrong with me specifically but that there would be no one else like me :o It wasn't until two years after I left him that I learned about asexuality, in 2013!

That’s what I thought (along with “maybe I haven’t found the right person” and “maybe he’s just bad at this”) with all my prior partners.

 

With my current SO - who has significant ED - I stupidly thought we were both happier without the stress of trying.  Wrong!

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