Gray-ace in a relationship, now wants 2nd partner?

[Tofruity]

Deleted. I'm done with this forum. Came here wishing for maybe one person's validation and instead get ridiculed and projected upon. I'm deleting my post not out of shame but because I can't take anymore of this treatment. Let me remind you of the quote on the home page: 

 

 "If at any point someone finds the word asexual useful to describe themselves, we encourage them to use it for as long as it makes sense to do so."

 

I'm open to PM's if anyone has genuine interest in this topic.

[Guest]

I can't really give you any validation sorry, you sound like many other sexually frustrated sexual people out there who realize they're going to be getting less sex than they want from their partner. Being sexual doesn't have to mean you only want sex with specific people, you can just have a general desire for the physical pleasure of sex without necessarily having a strong preference as to who that's with.. And at the end of a day (if you did seek someone to have sex with) as soon as you choose someone specific to have sex with.. you're wanting a specific person (because if you didn't want them sexually on some level, you couldn't have sex with them.. Even if it's just the level of wanting their body inside yours to make you feel good). If this was an asexual desire, a dildo could meet your needs and you wouldn't need anything more than that :/

[flesh-pocket]

12 hours ago, Tofruity said:

Although I will say, when I had a male sex partner over the summer I was really wishing I could have a lady for the connection piece. This current craving for straight sex its not for anyone in particular, its a cupiosexual desire

it sounds to me like you could be homoromantic but heterosexual. thats a difficult situation to be in on its own, but its not the same as being asexual.

[Tofruity]

1 hour ago, flesh-pocket said:

it sounds to me like you could be homoromantic but heterosexual. thats a difficult situation to be in on its own, but its not the same as being asexual.

Thanks. I have wondered this too. But I still don't experience sexual attraction which is the root of asexuality. A desire for small amount of sex still falls under the cupiosexual definition under gray-asexuality (if not asexuality itself, since its only based on attraction). @FictoVore. I don't understand the policing of other people's asexual identities that takes place here. I'm definitely closer to "sexual" than most other people here, but there's a reason why gray-ace has been useful to me for 10 years. Believe me, I would prefer "sexually frustrated" but 4 years of therapy would have improved that by now  Seriously, whats the motivation behind the Ace Police? To further validate one's own asexuaity? 

 

Anyway, thanks for your responses

[flesh-pocket]

@Tofruity by all means, continue to identify however you see fit, i dont mean to argue.

[Tofruity]

@flesh-pocket No I really appreciated your input. All you said was "asexuality is different" from the alternative you mentioned. The Ace Police thing has been bothering me for awhile on here and I didn't want this thread to turn into just that. 

 

[Philip027]

This is why I don't consider attraction to be the sole determinant of orientation.  This is a prime example of it muddying matters.

 

Additionally, this is not a matter of being "ace police".  I can assure you the entire rest of the world would consider "a girl that wants to bang dudes to the point of craving it" to be heterosexual (at the very least).  They very certainly would not consider such a person to be asexual.

 

Quote

I know there's the stereotype of bisexual people cheating so you don't hear many of them admit they miss the other gender.

Which I think you'll find many bisexual people think is a very harmful stereotype, as it implies they have an inherently harder time being faithful in a relationship than anyone else.

[Light02]

I don't mean to offend you but it seems to me you want to identify as asexual for some reason and you're trying to justify that by forcing your experiences to fit the definition. Thing is, since the definition is based on not experiencing sexual attraction, how do you identify sexual attraction? I've never experienced it but based on the fact that I do experience romantic and sensual attraction (wanting to kiss people) I imagine it's similar. When it comes it romantic attraction, I get crushes on people and I might fantasize about being in a romantic relationship with a specific person, or, I could just fantasize about a relationship with a nameless, faceless person. With sensual attaction, I usually look at someone and I get the feeling I really want to kiss them, pretty much. I also know I'd be okay with kissing people in general. Based on this, I assume sexual attraction is looking at someone and getting the feeling that you want to do sexual acts with them. What else could sexual attraction possibly be?

[Tofruity]

9 hours ago, Light02 said:

When it comes it romantic attraction, I get crushes on people and I might fantasize about being in a romantic relationship with a specific person, or, I could just fantasize about a relationship with a nameless, faceless person. With sensual attaction, I usually look at someone and I get the feeling I really want to kiss them, pretty much. I also know I'd be okay with kissing people in general. Based on this, I assume sexual attraction is looking at someone and getting the feeling that you want to do sexual acts with them. What else could sexual attraction possibly be?

I agree with you 100% here. Thats the thing. I don't look at ANYONE and think "hmm you're hot" or "I want to have sex with this person". Its that in my alone time I simply think "I want a warm body on top of/inside of me". Interacting with people I don't feel sexual attraction for anyone. This is called cupiosexual. Thanks for your projections though.

[Tofruity]

On 3/1/2018 at 5:22 PM, Philip027 said:

 

Which I think you'll find many bisexual people think is a very harmful stereotype, as it implies they have an inherently harder time being faithful in a relationship than anyone else.

Of course it's a harmful stereotype. And because of that I can imagine it may silence some who may resonate with my experience, but I'm left feeling alone.

 

And you know whats also harmful? Invalidating people's personal identities and inner experiences they so vulnerably shared. Just saying.

[Philip027]

Your experiences are fine.  I'm just trying to tell you, they are normal *sexual* experiences, and pretty much any sexual person will tell you so.  You don't have to be able to find people "hot" to be sexual; that's a shortsighted way of looking at things (and paints sexual people under a potentially unfortunate light)

 

You try to tell anyone that you're "asexual" but you also crave sex from dudes; it's going to get you laughed at for trying to be a special snowflake.  There's simply no way around that.  At this point the label means literally nothing.

 

I pointed out that stereotype specifically because it's fallacious.  Even people who are only sexually interested in one sex can still "wonder what it's like" with another person when they are already in a relationship.  Happens all the freakin time and is surely the cause of much relationship strife and breakups.  This sort of thing is, again, a very normal experience and not something limited to bisexuals.