Jump to content

Being uncomfortable in the gray area


gayasheck

Recommended Posts

Hi everyone. I'm new here. I haven't looked through all of the forums to know if this is something talked about but I hope everyone is ok with sharing their thoughts with me.

 

I came out as a trans man back in October of 2017. I told my family (who reacted rather strangely? Not unsupportive but also kind of confused and reserved. I also just recently (less than a month ago) started testosterone treatments. Something in me is telling me that something isn't quite right. I was identifying as gender fluid for about 2 years before I came out as trans. I didn't ask anyone to change their pronouns for me, or see me any differently. I only asked them to use he/him when I came out in October. 

 

For some reason, I feel extremely uncomfortable still. I'm born female, and raised as a woman. i identify with being male but I have never really hated my body. My hips give me some dysphoria but for the most part I really don't hate my vagina or my breasts. There has never been a moment where I didn't want the parts that I have, but I do feel like I'm missing something: a penis, the muscular V shaped torso, the facial hair, or even the bulging pecks. I feel somewhere in this gray area, and honestly, that terrifies me completely. I find that being in a middle ground is going to make me feel even more uncomfortable that deciding to transition completely to being a man. I worry about losing my femininity.

 

I am also a musical theatre major, so my voice is something that I am very proud of but at the same time completely dysphoric about. I will never be able to play some of my favorite men's roles unless I go through the voice change with testosterone. I want the masculine sides to come out so badly but I'm also afraid of ruining everything that I've worked so hard on.

 

If anyone has any insight on how to feel more comfortable and accepting of these aspects of myself or the things that I want to change I would really appreciate it.

Link to post
Share on other sites

firstly, welcome to aven! secondly, i love your username!

 

I can sympathize with what you're saying. I have contradicting feelings about my gender and contradicting dysphoria too, and it changes frequently. So sometimes I am really okay with my body, sometimes (most of the time) I can at least tolerate it, sometimes I hate my chest, less frequently I have bottom dysphoria also. Personally, I think going forward with medically transitioning wouldn't work for me because of this. It is a very subjective personal matter. If going on t might make some aspects of your dysphoria easier to deal with, that's great! But please don't feel pushed into it because that's what's expected of trans people. If your transition goes *too far* and it doesn't feel like you anymore, you can also go off of t. And every other way you can medically transition is its own decision that you should think about thoroughly. Everyone's transition is unique.

I'm sorry I don't have anything helpful to say. Gender is a very intricate matter, and sometimes there are no clear, satisfying solutions. *hugs if you want them*, I hope you find the way that fits you best!

Link to post
Share on other sites
Calligraphette_Coe
On 3/1/2018 at 1:01 AM, gayasheck said:

 

I am also a musical theatre major, so my voice is something that I am very proud of but at the same time completely dysphoric about. I will never be able to play some of my favorite men's roles unless I go through the voice change with testosterone. I want the masculine sides to come out so badly but I'm also afraid of ruining everything that I've worked so hard on.

 

If anyone has any insight on how to feel more comfortable and accepting of these aspects of myself or the things that I want to change I would really appreciate it.

You might be surprised what you can do with your voice with a little training and a lot of practice. There is more to voice than just the pitch of sounds that come out when you speak, there's also the modulation, word choices and other nuances.

 

Myself, I'm firmly stuck in the amber of the middle ground because of medical reasons, stuck with a body that doesn't cooperate and is more than a little gender mishappen and gender askew. Sometimes it feels like the end of the world, but other times I can step back and look at the middle ground as a sanctuary of sorts. A "Not as I ought, but as I am able" resignation that if these are the cards I'm dealt, I'll play that hand to the bitter end.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...