My boyfriend just came out to me as asexual

[Forgivemehoney]

Hey everyone. My boyfriend recently came out to me as asexual. I have suspected it for some time now and read an article about asexual people that sounded just like him, so I sent it to him and asked him if he was asexual. He said he wasn’t sure but after reading that article and others and having some time to think about it, I asked him again and he said he’s pretty sure he is asexual. 

 

Our relationship hasn’t involved a lot of sex, especially penetrative sex. We’re a long distance couple and the first two times I was visiting him (out of three times), we only had penetrative sex once or twice. That could have been also due to me being on my period for the majority of the trip. However, I performed oral on him many times by his request but he wouldn’t perform oral on me. The last time I visited him, we had penetrative sex twice and I performed oral only a few times and never received oral. I think he may be sex repulsed, by the way. 

 

Anyway, even though we had not had that much sex before, it’s really hard for me to picture a relationship without sex. I am a very, very sexual person. I value sex a lot and knowing that we may never have sex again is difficult for me. It also hurts me, which I feel is selfish. It hurts me that he’s not sexually attracted to me because that’s important to me. I’m struggling with the fact that relationships aren’t defined by sex, but I have always defined it that way. I can’t see the difference between his feelings for me than for other people in his life, such as his family.  I also feel like if I was someone else, he would want to have sex. I feel like I’m not enough for him. I tried telling him these things, but he doesn’t really understand how I’m feeling, which is ok but I just need guidance/answers/reassurance/or help. I love him and I accept him however he is and I do not want to end this relationship at all. How do relationships work with an asexual person and a person with a very high sex drive? 

 

Thanks in advance. 

[Pamalla-Shay]

I wish you the best of luck in all of this... try to make some sort of compromise with him about sex that might help

[Milk Egg]

First off, you are in no way being ''bad'' for reacting like this, it's not like we learn about asexuality in the same way we learn about the concept of being ''gay'' or ''straight''. However, the idea that he would feel something else for different people is just wrong. I mean, it's not like he would be more interested for someone else, but rather that he can't get interested in that way towards anyone. Also, just because he can't demonstrate it through sex, his feelings for you are definetely special.

 

But now, about having sex: why do you think he's sex repulsed ? By that I mean, did he say something about it, or did you ''confirm'' it by yourself ? Because, if he isn't sex repulsed, there would be no problem for you two to keep having sex, maybe it just isn't something that he would request for you, you know ?

[Forgivemehoney]

42 minutes ago, OptimisticPessimist said:

I think you may find our area for Sexual Partners,  Friends and Allies useful, i think many of our members will be able to give good advice. 

 

https://www.asexuality.org/en/forum/30-for-sexual-partners-friends-and-allies 

Thanks for the help. I realize now that I may have posted this in the wrong forum. Sorry about that! I don’t want to talk away any space from asexual people. 

[purplepassion]

You're not selfish and neither is he. It's just that both of you see things from different perspectives and you have different wants. I thinks it's a good sign that you're both open about how the other feels coz communication is very important in any kind of relationship. And it's also good that you joined AVEN so you can see how asexuals think and feel. It's good to get the details first hand from Aces who go through such things on a daily basis. Check out the different threads in the forums and you'll see success stories of sexual-asexual relationships/marriages. It's really just a matter of understanding each other and of course, compromising  
 

Just try to see this way... You said that you're in a long distance relationship. When you two are apart you don't have sex but still don't lose the love for each other, right? That just means that your love outweighs your physical or sexual attraction. Don't ever think that you're not good enough for him or that he's sex repulsed because he doesn't find you appealing. It doesn't have anything to do with you, Sweetie. That's just how he is. He's sex repulsed, period  The fact that he doesn't want to end the relationship only means that he doesn't want anyone else

 

Cheer up!  Life is good!  Good luck!  

[lemon_lime]

The most important thing would be to talk to him about how he feels. If you’ve had sex already as many times as you’ve said, it’s quite possible he is not sex repulsed and would be willing to have sex on occasion. But ask him. I don’t want to make assumptions. I am asexual married to a sexual person and it can work. It really depends on how much he is willing to compromise, if at all. But also how much are you willing to compromise?  If you don’t want to compromise about wanting a lot of sex to satisfy your high sex drive in order to meet his needs, you have to consider that it might not work. 😔

 

Best of luck. 

[Forgivemehoney]

3 hours ago, Milk Egg said:

 

 

But now, about having sex: why do you think he's sex repulsed ? By that I mean, did he say something about it, or did you ''confirm'' it by yourself ? Because, if he isn't sex repulsed, there would be no problem for you two to keep having sex, maybe it just isn't something that he would request for you, you know ?

He doesn’t know what sex repulsed or sex aversive is so I’m not 100% sure but I think he is sex repulsed because he has told me he thinks vaginas are gross. Like he never performed oral on me or would barely even touch me down there because he thought it was gross. My vagina is completely healthy and normal, so I didn’t understand why. Every time we had sex, he would wash his hands if he did touch me down there (like in the middle of sex he would go to the sink to wash his hands) and he would wash his penis. I don’t know if he has something against vaginas in particular, doesn’t like wet things, or is sex repulsed. 

[Forgivemehoney]

3 hours ago, lemon_lime said:

But also how much are you willing to compromise?  If you don’t want to compromise about wanting a lot of sex to satisfy your high sex drive in order to meet his needs, you have to consider that it might not work.

I definitely am very open and willing to compromise. However, I’m not sure how much he would compromise as he’s being very closed off about this topic, even though I have said I don’t care about him any less/feel any differently about him than I have the past 4 years. I get that he’s struggling with his identity and such and I’m trying to be as patient as I can. I hope he can compromise with me. Thanks for the response

[Forgivemehoney]

3 hours ago, purplepassion said:

Just try to see this way... You said that you're in a long distance relationship. When you two are apart you don't have sex but still don't lose the love for each other, right? That just means that your love outweighs your physical or sexual attraction.

Thank you so much for this perspective. I haven’t thought of it this way before, but you’re right. 

[Sally]

As well as talking with him more, it would be good if you would talk with yourself.  I.e., think about whether you can see being able to compromise by having a sexual relationship (assuming he is willing to have regular sex) with someone who doesn't feel the same as you do about sex.  Many sexuals on AVEN have expressed that what makes sex special to them is having it with someone who finds just as much pleasure in sex as they do -- the mutuality of a sexual relationship.   No matter how willing your boyfriend is to have sex with you, that mutuality won't exist, and sex will always be a compromise.  Can you see yourself wanting to have that kind of relationship?

 

I should say that I am asexual, have been all my life, and have had a 10-year marriage and a long relationship, both with sexuals.  Back then I had no idea I was asexual -- just thought I didn't  know what I was doing, and thought I'd eventually "get it".  But I didn't, and eventually I just couldn't do it anymore.  Compromise can have a natural end date, because it's difficult both for the sexual and the asexual.