I’m so confused

[tgif]

I identified as ace for about a year until I decided labels weren’t for me and I was just going to do whatever I felt like. Oh btw, I’m a cis girl in high school. 

I don’t think I ever felt sexually attracted to anyone. I masturbate and orgasm and have heteroromantic feelings sometimes but I never felt like it would be pleasurable to have sex.

Then came the day where I became really close to this friend of mine. Pretty much from the beginning he told me how he wanted to be more than friends and I repeatedly friend zoned him. I did like him a lot, to be honest I was just scared to be in my first relationship. I had a lot of anxiety back then (and i still do, but it’s somewhat better). One day, I was actually in Christmas Eve church service not really paying attention as usual when I had this wave of confidence come over me. It was also anger. I finally told myself, “f*** this, anxiety shouldn’t control my life anymore”. That night I told him I was ready to be in a relationship. Thus, it began...

the past two or so months have been great. It’s not that I’m not happy. I am. I’m just confused. He fell in love with me really hard and fast, and I made it clear to him it would take me longer to. Eventually I did. I really do love this guy. We had our first kiss on New Year’s Eve when the ball dropped at midnight. It was fine I guess. To me it just seemed like “our lips are touching, great” and that’s it. Now he gives me a peck quite regularly whenever I see him. We made out a couple of times but each time he initiated it, and each time I still didn’t really “feel” anything. I haven’t said anything to him about it because I don’t want him to think it’s his fault. I know it’s not. I just feel like I’m supposed to enjoy kissing and I just don’t. It’s a neutral thing for me. I just don’t really care about it.

so does this mean I’m ace? I don’t know. Or maybe just give it some time? I do have very real feelings for this guy which sort of makes it frustrating that I don’t feel anything when we kiss. He clearly does, and I always pull away first. I’m really happy with him, I just feel like there should be something there that isn’t. I haven’t gone on AVEN in forever- basically since I adopted the “straight until REALLY proven otherwise” mindset because I was tired of questioning.

if someone could help me understand what’s happening I would really appreciate it.

[Yep, me]

If you haven’t/don’t experience sexual attraction, you’re asexual.

[tgif]

 

16 minutes ago, Zenzencat104 said:

If you haven’t/don’t experience sexual attraction, you’re asexual.

I know. But it’s  not that simple to figure that out. 

[Yep, me]

16 minutes ago, tgif said:

 

I know. But it’s  not that simple to figure that out. 

I don’t know if this helps, but people almost always know when they feel it.

[tgif]

8 minutes ago, Zenzencat104 said:

I don’t know if this helps, but people almost always know when they feel it.

Okay. I definitely haven’t. I just don’t know if I should give it some time or not. To be totally honest I’m terrified that I’m probably ace. 

I also remember a time when he told me I was sexy and it just made me uncomfortable. 

This guy is crazy about me. He’s always told me how I changed his life and how he knows that I’m really “the one”. He’s the most romantic guy I’ve ever met which I don’t mind but I’m just scared I’m ace and that I’d have to tell him that.

[Ms. Carolynne]

Whatever you do, just be true to yourself; there's no reason to fear being ace. 

 

Knowing what you do and do not want is good in a relationship, just be open to your partner about how you feel. 

 

It may be hard for both you and your partner, but you also have nothing to lose. Your lack of sexual interest will come up further down the line, whatever you do it won't change the fact of how you feel. Might as well be honest and open, it will make for less misconceptions, which only make matters worse.

 

I wouldn't bank on developing sexual attraction later either, you can't guarantee that will happen.

 

 

[banana monkey]

So, I have little relationship experience but a few comments. Whilst it is important to some to have sexual attraction in a relationship it may be more important to know how one may be able to compromise. Ie, I suggest you tell him what you are and are not comfortable with in the relationship because it does not really matter if you are asexual or not you are still uncomfortable. Although unlikely, it is possible a person is sexual and just does not like kissing or cuddling. For some it may be the acts that are more important, ie your boyfriend may be able to compromise on having sex some but not on kissing or be able to cope with not kissing if he can have sex. So I suggest you discuss what you do know with him and go from there. He may decide he cant cope in which case better to end it now. Ypu dont have to use the word asexual if you dont want to or dont know yet. If he asks just explain you are still figuring things out but make clear what you do know (eg. you dont like kissing) will not change. 

[Yep, me]

39 minutes ago, banana monkey said:

So, I have little relationship experience but a few comments. Whilst it is important to some to have sexual attraction in a relationship it may be more important to know how one may be able to compromise. Ie, I suggest you tell him what you are and are not comfortable with in the relationship because it does not really matter if you are asexual or not you are still uncomfortable. Although unlikely, it is possible a person is sexual and just does not like kissing or cuddling. For some it may be the acts that are more important, ie your boyfriend may be able to compromise on having sex some but not on kissing or be able to cope with not kissing if he can have sex. So I suggest you discuss what you do know with him and go from there. He may decide he cant cope in which case better to end it now. Ypu dont have to use the word asexual if you dont want to or dont know yet. If he asks just explain you are still figuring things out but make clear what you do know (eg. you dont like kissing) will not change. 

Personal correction: it MIGHT be important to have sexual attraction in a relationship.

[Beaver Boy]

21 hours ago, tgif said:

I haven’t gone on AVEN in forever- basically since I adopted the “straight until REALLY proven otherwise” mindset because I was tired of questioning.

If it's ok to go by "straight until REALLY proven otherwise", it should also be okay to go by "ace / gay / etc. until REALLY proven otherwise"

[tgif]

3 hours ago, Beaver Boy said:

If it's ok to go by "straight until REALLY proven otherwise", it should also be okay to go by "ace / gay / etc. until REALLY proven otherwise"

I know, I was just tired of having to explain it to people when I was never even really sure if that’s what I was.

[tgif]

5 hours ago, banana monkey said:

So, I have little relationship experience but a few comments. Whilst it is important to some to have sexual attraction in a relationship it may be more important to know how one may be able to compromise. Ie, I suggest you tell him what you are and are not comfortable with in the relationship because it does not really matter if you are asexual or not you are still uncomfortable. Although unlikely, it is possible a person is sexual and just does not like kissing or cuddling. For some it may be the acts that are more important, ie your boyfriend may be able to compromise on having sex some but not on kissing or be able to cope with not kissing if he can have sex. So I suggest you discuss what you do know with him and go from there. He may decide he cant cope in which case better to end it now. Ypu dont have to use the word asexual if you dont want to or dont know yet. If he asks just explain you are still figuring things out but make clear what you do know (eg. you dont like kissing) will not change. 

I like cuddling I just don’t get anything out of the kissing. I’m not that worried about the sex because I’m in high school and there’s less pressure to do that. This guy is constantly thinking about me in the long term though. It’s almost like he has this idea of who I am in his head and I’m scared to change that for him. He revealed to me that he’s a virgin (kind of surprised me to be honest) and that he wants to lose his virginity to me someday. The thought kind of scared me. I remember I told him it would be a while. He said that’s ok.

When we were texting before bed last night he sent me some quote thing (he’s really into quotes for some reason lol) and it said something like “yes I have a dirty mind and you’re always running through it”. And he told me I was sexy. I really felt uncomfortable. I don’t really know why. I guess I don’t like someone thinking about me that way even though it’s my own boyfriend?

I should clarify that these are very specific things that only happened once. Most of the time he’s just really romantic and he doesn’t push anything sexual. 

Probably the most romantic person I ever met. I’m romantic but not THAT romantic (lol). I don’t mind it though! 

He wants to go see this drama/romance movie on Saturday and when we go out I usually pick the movie so I just went along with it this time even though the thought of a sappy movie makes me want to barf. I’ll be okay though. Haha

[banana monkey]

19 hours ago, Zenzencat104 said:

Personal correction: it MIGHT be important to have sexual attraction in a relationship.

yeah that's what I meant. - "It is important to some" (people). 

[anamikanon]

If you aren't certain you are asexual, or don't adopt the label, it is fine, but as a sexual partner of an ace, I can tell you this has the potential to be a road accident later. You don't need to claim you are ace or anyting, but it is IMPORTANT that you don't fake it and even more important that you explain to it that you don't feel anything, even if you don't mind doing it with him.

 

Discovering this down the road after believing an intimate part of your relationship was mutual can be devastating for the sexual. Most of us who are sensitive to our partners can be very averse to the idea of a partner faking pleasure or engaging in sexual activities even if they don't want it. It is a good idea for him to be in the know right off the bat, so he can adapt as necessary and be mentally prepared and not hurt by what will eventually be observed as a pattern of indifference from you, unless you turn out to be demi or something and the sex suddenly kicks in (I am demi+sapio and can go from zero sexual feelings to hypersexual pretty rapidly if someone clicks).

 

The label is not important, but the truth of what you are experiencing is very, very important. That is intimacy. The honesty of that closeness.

 

Also, on your end it is better like this. Right now your relationship is new and there isn't a lot of sexual activity. But if you proceed to sex, it can rapidly overwhelm you if that is not your preference. If your partner knows this, he can be sensitive and take it at your pace. Otherwise, if he is expecting "normal" sex, it can feel like tremendous pressure.