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Dating...with a total lack of experience


Pickelzzzchu

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Pickelzzzchu

Hi- I'm new here!

 

I've known I am asexual for a pretty long time, but I've always felt I'm very much romantic/heteroromantic (probably.) <--- but see that's the thing...

I'm in my mid-twenties and I've never had any S.O. in spite of always having romantic feelings, but it leaves me feeling like I can't trust how i feel I am in this moment because I've never had any kind of experience to put those feelings to the test. I'm very certain I'm on the asexual spectrum (certainly not ruling out demi- kind of rooting for it, in fact) simply for having never felt sexual attraction to any person i have ever seen or met in any situation. I am also extremely shy, have low self-esteem, and have horrible social anxiety. I almost feel like in spite of my desire for a romantic relationship, I don't deserve it because I can't totally "love myself" (or at least I don't fully right now).

 

So now that you have kind of a very vague sense of my situation, I was wondering if anyone has any advice? I do go on dating sites and have met at least 1 person I am romantically attracted to and have a crush on, but I am horribly shy and despite meeting once and having had very nice (and quite deep) conversations over text, I'm having a hard time building up the courage to see him again, let alone tell him I'm not really interested in sex. He DOES know I don't have much experience (that much we discussed because he came out of a tough breakup and wasn't ready to date again (not as a blow off, we met in person after this and talked plenty since) and I feel like I'm barely ready to date generally and so I said "let's take things super slow and just chat and get to know each other and see where we go" and that's kinda where things are...we don't chat as often anymore, but all interactions are extremely amicable.)

 

BUT I'm not throwing all the eggs in one basket here (especially since the basket is not in any official "thing" with me) I've still been talking to guys online in Satan's armpit (Tinder) - I put ACE in my profile, but I doubt guys even read, let alone know what that means or care, and I try to only match with guys with whom I have common interests or who at least seem like generally reasonable human beings and not dude bros and especially not "look at this fish I have caught, I shall provide for us" or "look at my super muscular body" bros and most especially not guys who are like "well I'm kind and caring and will do anything for you, but no woman ever seems to want to be with me or stay long. They're missing out". I'm feeling quite fed up with the whole thing especially because I have a hard time agreeing to meet for a date. I am so afraid of meeting people in person unless I feel like I know them (kind of a demi thing...we'll call it demi-social. I'm incapable of feeling like hanging out with or meeting someone new if I don't know them well enough first<-- of course this is partially because society has warned women to be wary of such situations as well.) I kinda HATE asexual cupid- it feels like a money grab with an unfriendly interface and general lack of people  - I saw there were other asexual dating/meeting websites listed here and I'll try those out too... but some of those same problems still remain.

 

I'm sorry to dump all this the way i did- it's the ADHD, I can't always get it out quite right when it's this complex. perhaps if I were more patient I'd reformulate it to make it an easier read... (and yes, part of my big questioning of myself and my feelings is also related to having anxiety and depression which tend to lower libido in sexuals)

 

>>So to sum it all up: How do I DO? How can I meet people as I am? Is it ok? Am I ok? Should I stop and try again when I'm 30? Is it wrong that I am aesthetically picky? <<

 

I'm also scared of receiving a negative response if I come out to a guy because I'm not necessarily sex repulsed and I do occasionally masturbate - though again, this is a mere physical response not brought on by any particular outer stimulus. I was one of those kids who discovered that it felt good before I knew what it was or what it meant.

 

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I would be careful with dating sites because in addition to reasonable people they can have a lot of people who would try to take advantage of someone's relationship inexperience. It might be better to make friends in the real world first, and see if that moves in the direction of a romantic relationship.  just my $.02

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Hey, I'm in a very similar boat! I'm 23 and am pretty sure I'm heteroromantic even though I've never even really gotten close to dating anyone. I prioritize school stuff right now & don't have much desire to be in a relationship at all until I can get my adult life together.

 

I do think you should let guys know that you're asexual from the start (as long as you at least feel safe sharing with that person). If he's okay with that, then great! If not, then you and he probably wouldn't want to waste time on a relationship like that. & if you don't mention it early and things work out well, it might make the guy feel like you've lied to him when you do eventually let him know. But it's ultimately up to you to decide what to share or not share with potential partners, of course.

 

I also agreed with uhtred that you should be cautious about people online. There are some creepy/ messed up people in the world!

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Hi and welcome to AVEN. :)

 

I can sympathize with some of what you've said. I've also never had a significant other and didn't try to date until I was thirty (also did online). Over a year later, I kind of gave up trying, not because I felt it's hopeless or anything, just because I felt like I had better things to focus on.  I don't think I'm very romantic either, at least not as much as you are, and the guys I went out with I couldn't help but be very platonic about it. I wouldn't say I'm aromantic, but I can often be easily satisfied just by reading a PG rated romance novel and empathizing with the characters. As someone who also deals with social anxiety, my suggestion would be to first not overwhelm yourself with a bunch of different dating sites, or you risk burn out. Pace yourself. If meeting one guy a month seems like enough, then so be it. You might be better trying to do the friends first approach and seeing if something develops later.

 

More importantly, I would focus more on you. You mentioned you have low self-esteem and don't feel you deserve romance. Of course you deserve love!  BUT I agree that you also need to learn to love yourself. Try focusing on your good qualities and the things you like to do. And when you accomplish something, no matter how small it may seem, tell yourself, "I did an amazing job." Ask the people who are closest to you to go hang out or do an activity together. And remind yourself, "these people like me for me." When you love yourself, that positive energy radiates outward and it's easier to go out and do more things. It also draws people to you.

 

Also, there's nothing wrong with having aesthetic preferences. Seriously, we all need to draw the line somewhere, but I do find it easier to be "drawn to" someone (or repelled) if I meet them in person. A less than average looking person can knock your socks off with a stellar personality. You also mentioned you were "horribly shy" but you can still meet people by getting "out there" without overtaxing yourself. My suggestion would be next time you're out at the store or something to check your body language. Glance up every now and then, face the room, and if you make eye contact with someone, smile. Start small. Maybe you make it a goal to make eye contact and smile with one person until you're comfortable with it, then build from there. If you're body language says you're receptive to conversation, then you might have someone else come up and start the conversation for you. I'm not going to pretend it's easy, especially if you're really shy and anxious, but the plus side is you can control how far you push yourself and like exercise, it gets easier the more you do it.

 

Sorry, that turned out way longer than I meant.  I hope at least some of it is helpful. Best wishes.

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Pickelzzzchu

Thanks everyone!

 

To clarify (because I jumped around so much i forgot to mention), I am taking steps mental health wise - I moved recently and I'm still finding a new therapist (I have strong leads), but my phsychiatrist is starting me on meds for my anxiety. It's all just baby steps and I'm not about to lie and say patience is easy when you just want to feel better, but it does help to know ive started down the right path. I've been having a hard time going out (to meet people or otherwise) between the depression days of just wanting to stay in bed and because i live further from friends and my roommate is busy. 

 

I absolutely would prefer the "friends first" approach, at least in part because that's how i always perceived my parents relationship. Best that you can just hang out and feel comfortable first before moving in on any romantic feelings. My problem is just kind of back to the whole "meeting people" thing. I've never really been great at that in general and I've graduated so I am not in a position of meeting people at school or anything. My workplace is small, is an all female and older than 20s staff and most of the men that come in are looking for gifts for their girlfriends or wives, and I'm not a part of any hobby groups or anything where I might meet people. That's kind of why I turned to online dating because it gives me a chance to build a friendly relationship and "vet" people before meeting them. I have only met like 2 or 3 guys I've ever talked to online in person as it is lol. I'm super duper cautious. I read the news. I've seen catfish. 

basically, being a hermit makes life harder haha

 

I spent a long time telling myself I wasn't dating because I "wasn't ready" or I was "focusing on my studies and my personal well-being", but now that I'm not in school and my friends have moved away and the ones who remained have all spread out (myself included) I'm just lonely all the time and I feel like I want more than just another friend in my life. I want companionship and a big hug and maybe a snuggle when I get home and someone to eat my food so there's not as much left over. And especially someone to share all the little weird things I think about all day and my hopes and fears with who isn't my therapist and to listen to their stories and feelings and hopes and fears and surprise them with gifts or an adventure and make them feel happy. 

 

Again, thanks for all the really kind responses...not gonna lie, even though I read a bunch of the introductory pages on here and I know the aim is support and education, I have been burned many times for labeling/mislabeling and people can get very sensitive and feel that things you say discredit this or that about other things. I have a friend who was identifying as gray ace for a while (which while me and my roommate, who is also ace and also her friend, were very respectful of, we also knew it wasn't completely true and it was just her kind of being sick of sex and not really meeting/dating anyone who was a good fit for her...still, we never told her she was wrong because that's how she thought she felt and it's validating to know your feelings have a name that others share) and one day we were talking about asexuality and she wouldn't let me say I was ace because I couldn't properly explain my reasoning with the proper definition according to what is written. It was so frustrating I wanted to cry. I couldn't put the right words in the right sequence so my feeling and knowledge about myself is wrong? I know you don't have to be touch averse or sex repulsed to be asexual, but that certainly makes it easier to shut people up when they doubt you. I don't really want to have sex except perhaps just to see what all the fuss is about (and definitely not something im actively seeking to discover unless I am in a relationship where I feel very comfortable and a bunch of ground rules are set). I don't think about it or care about it or necessarily want it. I've never looked at anyone and felt any sort of sexual attraction, arousal, or desire. // Anyways, having felt attacked before, it's nice to feel safe here (even if I just had to justify myself again because I never got to properly explain when it happened.)

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