I wish I could be attracted to people and yet I think I may be asexual - any suggestions?

[Jane123]

Hi! I am completely confused and lets say a little lost at the moment in terms of working out what is going on with my 'romantic' side of life, and have stumbled across this site. I was hoping that if I write down what I am experiencing/thinking, perhaps there are some words of advice or wisdom to be offered by others with similar experiences? So here goes: at the ripe old age of 33 I have still yet to have a 'relationship' with someone I 'fancy'. I use those terms very loosely and to break each one down, by 'relationship' I literally mean dating/flirting with someone for no more than a month at best, and this has only happened let say about 5 times ever. And by 'fancy' I mean found someone I am sort of attracted to but not at all sexually. I 'fancy' very few people, and have never once felt sexual attraction. I have attempted sex, but have had zero physical or mental feelings at all. I have felt mild arousal, but not caused by a person, just thoughts of the concept of having sex but this is infrequent and too weak to do anything about. So far, I know I am very much fitting into the Asexual box. However, here is the part I do not understand and need some help with. I want more than anything to find a partner in life, I want to 'fancy' people and flirt with them and be attracted to them, and go on dates and I want to be able to have good sex with them. I am severely jealous of my friends and pretty much anyone on the planet who get to live this on a daily basis. Broadly speaking, is this kind of desire usual for someone to identifies as asexual? Its like I want it so bad but my body wont allow it. I have lived my life so far without this and have told myself it just isn't meant to be and have adapted and tried to fulfill my life in other ways, to large degrees of success, but if I am honest with myself, the craving for regular 'non-asexual' life and activity never goes away. I have tried to see specialists to see if I have a physical/mental issue, but due to my location and access to these facilities, it has literally been impossible to get any help in this department and this website seems to be the only place that I can feel may offer me some light? Any similar experiences/feelings/advice would be welcome! Thank you 

[Yeast]

Welcome. There are positive and negative aspects of asexuality. One has to contend with a sexual orientation many people simply don't believe exists and others think is abnormal. Isolation is another problem. I've never wanted to have sex but prefer the company of women. These relationships always end because my new friend expects sex eventually. No sex, no friendship. All is not bad though. My lack of sexual attraction works to cancel any barriers of race, gender or age. I also know if I do enter a relationship there won't be the possibility of problems arising because of sexual issues. I've tried to solve my isolation problem by searching for asexual friends. This can be a challenge but I have managed to meet a few. We enjoyed each other's company and I hope to see them again. From reading other posts I have come to understand asexuals can have romantic attractions to other people. One can love another person without necessarily wanting to have sex with them. What I've learned after all these years is that self understanding solves many problems. Once one understands themselves they come to accept what they are. If you live in a world anything like mine then you are constantly inundated by advertisers trying to convince you to be something you are not.  I stopped listening to all these voices decades ago and learned to listen to myself.  Welcome once again and I hope you find this forum helpful. 

[Gldlynch]

Hi Jane123

 

Welcome to AVEN!

 

From reading your description you sound like the classic asexual. You do not feel any or have a severe lack-of sexual attraction towards people.

 

The part you are struggling with is, in my opinion, asexual fantasies. Even though asexuals do not experience sexual attraction it is very common to still have kinks, fetishes, fantasies, even masturbate or have libido. I totally get you; I am 23 and have never been romantically linked with anyone but I very much want to. So many of my friends have at least had their first relationships and I envy them because they talk about how exhilarating romance, love and sex is. I want to one day settle down with someone I love but being asexual makes it very complicated because we are oblivious when someone flirts with us. Your struggles are not at all out of the ordinary for the asexual orientation.

 

One hope to perhaps hold onto is that sexuality can be fluid, especially under the asexual label as it is an umbrella term. Sometimes it takes testing our boundaries to discover what we find pleasure in. Even though you're 33, one day a person may walk into your life and make you realise you are demisexual or grey-ace. Hope is not lost!

 

Best of luck