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nick1981

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Hello. My name is Nick and I am gay but asexual. I do not have a lot of experience in dating, mainly because all but one  of the times I attempted to have a relationship they ended badly once he found out that I am asexual. my last real relationship ended seven years ago after being together for seven years. recently, I decided to take a leap and enter a relationship again. My boyfriend has been my roommate for quite some time and we have always gotten along and have shared similar interests. two days ago he expressed his feelings for me and wanted to become a couple. I was reluctant to do so, due to my track record, and reminded him that a relationship with me may not be in his best interest due to my lack of sexual desire. he smiled and said he knew and he was fine with it. so, after many hours of talking about the elephant in the room, namely, me being asexual and ascertaining that he really was ok with it I agreed. As I said, we share many interests and we have always gotten along fine. and I had also developed feelings for him. today he told me that while he was willing to wait for the "rare" occasions that I would be willing to have sex he stated that the most time he had gone without had only been a few months. I was like a few months? heck I can do a few months standing on my head! I told him the last time I was intimate on that level was over seven years ago. so, once again, we had that talk. and I made a few compromises. but I am worried. I know he has sexual needs. but I do not. Even my compromise felt....like I was being pressured. I do like him and I want to be in a relationship with him. but I am not sure what to do. he was my friend long before he was my boyfriend. he is my roommate. Due to my experiences in the past a huge part of me is in a state of panic and I just want to run. I do not know what to do. the only long term relationship I had was not that stressful because neither one of us were that interested in sex and only were intimate maybe once or twice a year. We broke up because we were both working different shifts and rarely saw each other except for our days off.....due to that we just drifted apart. he moved to another state and after talking two or three times after the breakup he never called again. and I spent a few years picking up the pieces and moving forward. But in the rare times that I took a leap and entered a relationship it was always with someone who was not living with me at the time. and, like i said, once they discovered my asexuality they simply moved on. I just figured I would always be single and so stopped looking. but this is a new field altogether. He has been a long time friend, and a long time roommate. He has seen me at my best. and my worst. I care deeply for him. but I am not sure I can even give him that compromise. nor do i think it is fair to him that his needs not be met either. I am frustrated because I did have this talk with him. I laid everything on the table. we discussed this, for hours! I wanted him to be absolutely certain that he knew what he would be getting into. I gave him time to think about it. I told him to seriously consider what he was asking because I could do everything that a regular couple does....i am just not into sex. I have no sexual desire. no feelings. And then today he said what he said. and I felt like my world had come crashing down. I want this relationship to work, I don't want to run away. I just don't know what to do now. I laid everything on the table. I let him know what getting into a relationship with me was about. and yet, i feel like if I don't compromise I will be hurting his feelings. and that bothers me as well. because my feelings are hurt. I am panicking. I just wish I knew what to do and how to proceed. I feel like no matter what happens I will lose him as my friend. any advice?

 

Nick 

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When it comes to compromises it has to be compromises you are comfortable with, if your not comfortable with it then your hurting yourself and probably them. Communication is key in relationship and you are doing that which is good. IF you really want to try the compromises youve already discussed maybe talk to him about taking it slow and having boundaries like if you attempt whatever you compromised on and it isnt going well for you or your freaking out you stop. It sounds like your doing the right things by what youve said.

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confused lil bee

Gosh that sounds truly awful for you, I'm sorry that you aren't really being understood/listened to. It seems like this guy really wants to be with you but if even having sex with him occasionally is a compromise that is causing so much distress you are not obliged to do so. If you feel pressured you need to try and communicate that you will not be doing him at all even if you are together. If he won't respect that,  even if you really want the relationship to work, imo (as someone with no experience bear that in mind) its best to just accept that you won't be compatible in a relationship. 

 

Especially since you're roommates and friends its important that you stay on good terms. Good on you for keeping open communication, definitely keep up with that. Hopefully you'll be able to negotiate other ways for him to get the sexual satisfaction he needs and for you to remain comfortable and to be in a relationship all at once. 

 

I really hope it works out for you, good luck!

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Asexuals will probably HATE me for saying this, but the best thing I can think of is.... kick off with the elephant in the room. Have sex. Be done with it. It isn't like you are strangers or need to find a comfort zone with each other and so on. Find out whether you can handle it or not before things go too far. Find out whether your level of involvement is "enough" for him. Depending on the results of that encounter, if you are not able to go through it, or did it, but are completely repulsed by the idea of a repeat, you may need to take sex off the table altogether and it is only fair to him to find out early on. If things go well and you are fine sharing sex with him, it will put you out of this fog of anxiety. You want the relationship, you will know that you can handle the compromise at least on a basic level - of course there will still be issues like frequency or quality or phases when you don't mind and times when you absolutely don't want it, etc.... but knowing what you are getting into will settle a lot of the anxiety. You will know whether you can or can't without worrying about raising his expectations, investing too much emotional stake on your ability to do it and then finally when you get around to it, everybody is holding their breath kind of thing.

 

It sounds cold blooded, but you two love each other. It is something important that you will face sooner or later. If not knowing is the bigger distress, might as well get it out of the way. I realize you don't enjoy sex, but I am simply trusting your word that you are willing to try when I suggest this. If you are completely averse also it is good to find out now, so you don't add guilt to your anxiety later.

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Communication in a relationship is rarely a 'one and done' thing, especially about something as major as sex. From what he said, he 'got' the substantive message that you're not interested in sex being a significant part of your relationship, but he didn't grasp how uninterested you are. For sexuals, months without sex is a substantial thing. It's a frustration when we're not in a relationship, and even more so when we are - we have to keep managing feelings of rejection, quite apart from physical needs. You're going to have to keep having this conversation for a while, maybe always, partly to reassure him, partly to make you feel secure that he's not about to disappear. The communication needs to be ongoing.


And part of that conversation should be about what boundaries you are comfortable with. You don't say how much physical contact you are comfortable with: None? Regular hugs/kisses? Cuddling on the sofa watching TV? Spooning in bed? You pleasuring him? Him pleasuring you? How often could you deal with, long term, as opposed to actively wanting? How do you feel about doing something because he loves it, even though you only feel 'meh' about it? There's a big difference between absolutely no physical contact, and say, some kind of sexual activity once a month. What can you both live with - him as a minimum, you as a maximum, but as a 'win' for both of you, because it maintains a relationship you both want?

 

It's terrifying to discuss this stuff because it makes you vulnerable, and the same goes for him, however blasé he may seem to be superficially. But - he knows you really well, in close proximity, for years, so it's not like this is happening after a few dates, or even after being a couple but not living together. He must feel strongly to make himself vulnerable by putting himself out there to tell you how he feels in the first place, so as a couple you're in a strong place, and both really want it to work. Talking about it is almost certainly not going to end in disaster, but not talking about it probably will...

 

Then again - say it doesn't work out after those conversations. How bad would that be? Awkward for a while maybe, but it sounds unlikely to me that you'll lose a friend. As you say, you've both seen each other at your worst as well as your best, and your relationship is stronger than ever. Even as friends, you can work this out.

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7 hours ago, nick1981 said:

today he told me that while he was willing to wait for the "rare" occasions that I would be willing to have sex he stated that the most time he had gone without had only been a few months. I was like a few months? heck I can do a few months standing on my head! I told him the last time I was intimate on that level was over seven years ago. so, once again, we had that talk. and I made a few compromises. but I am worried. I know he has sexual needs. but I do not. Even my compromise felt....like I was being pressured.

Are you sure you would ever be willing to have sex? It sounds like the mere thought of it is extremely stressful for you. It's okay if sex is something on which you can't compromise; even though he's sexual, you should never feel like you "owe" sex to him. You've basically promised him sex will definitely happen at some undefined point in the future, but you don't know if you can fulfill that promise. And he might not realize how long he'd be waiting or how much pressure that puts on you. Rather than over-promising and potentially under-delivering, I think it's worth considering the approach of under-promising, that way you don't set expectations for yourself too high and you have the option to surprise by over-delivering if you ever choose to do so.

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