This is crazy

[Celticnaturelover]

I have had what I can only describe as a squish. (To get it out there I fall within the gray-area). I been thinking that I would like a platonic sort of marriage though. Where I could have stability. And I decided one of my friends should be good. He knows about asexuality. He accepts it because another one of our friends is asexual. I decided to give him a shot. 

 

What confuses me was when I decided to kiss him. Just to test things out. After that I kept freaking out about it. And now that we had another "date" thing. I felt uncomfortable about being close to him. Like I been with men sexually and romantically as I said I fall within the gray/demi area. And I know this is something I never wanted with him. And debated it for weeks on whether I should go through with this. 

 

And now that I know how I feel uncomfortable with him. But I freak out about the kiss. And about the times I may have felt a little jealousy. But really I don't want him anything more than friendship. I know this because I looked up platonic marriages over and over and relationships when it comes to dating. 

 

But it is now playing like a broken record in my head. Like I wanted to be closer to him. I enjoy having a close friendship when I feel other friendships I have may be falling apart. I enjoy spending time with him. But I do not want to be THAT close to him. It's so confusing. It's almost like the saying that you enjoy the fantasy but when reality hits, you don't want it.

[Dean.]

Try expressing all that to him and talk it out, I have found that talking things through with people is often the best way to get things out there and resolved, other wise things will get led on and confused and misread, it can cause a lot of problems to not express things like that to others. 

[Yeast]

Try to find out why you don't like physical contact with your friend. This appears to be the main problem. You stated you've had sexual encounters before. What is it about your friend that dissuades you from anything physical? I've read about asexuals who participated in sexual acts to gratify themselves since by definition, asexuals feel no sexual attraction. Was this what it was like when you had sex? Then there is "grey asexuality". This complicates things further. Maybe you did feel a bit of sexual attraction. Could it be that you are deeply romantically attracted to your friend and would like to be much more sexually attracted to them - but perhaps you don't know how? Of course I'm guessing about all this. Maybe I've given you a few ideas to work with. If not, the forum is always very helpful. Good luck in solving your problem.