Considering an "open" relationship

[ioncehadasoul]

Hi guys, long time since I've been active. I'm struggling lately. My husband has a high sex drive and I'm just not able to have sex as much as he would like. It's putting a strain on us, but we still very much love each other. I feel like I'm just not enough. I've been wondering if maybe a solution would be for him to find someone that he's compatible with sexually? Like, I don't think it would bother me as long as it's a relationship that remains mostly casual. But I don't know. 

 

Has anyone here has experience with something like this? How do I talk to my partner about it?

[Guest]

Before you bring it up, figure out what you would be OK with. You say mostly casual, but what about if he starts to fall for the person (which might happen)? Would you be OK with a polyamorous arrangement instead of just open? Would you need to meet them? How often would you want him STD tested? Would you still be having sex, or would you stop completely? Etc, etc. 

 

Then, just tell him you need to discuss your sex life when you have some time where you both will be available and in a good enough mood for a few hours and tell him your proposed solution. See what he thinks. 

[Pulsewave]

The problem with this along with any scenario in life, is that you don't know what could happen. Sex for sexual people is a pretty powerful ingredient in a relationship, if they found someone they're sexually attracted to and have casual sex with, how much more of a leap would it be for them to find that persons personality attractive too as they would obviously get to know them better with each encounter?
Personally I would never agree to something like that but if a person thinks the risks are acceptable then I'm not one to judge and say good luck.

[Yeast]

I suppose this is a good place to repeat a story I've told several times already in other posts. I once knew a woman for several decades and sex was ever a part of our relationship. I didn't know what asexuality was, so there was never any need to explain anything. She might have thought I was gay, but again this didn't matter. She was sexual so had boyfriends. Again, no problem. She never married and I suspect most of her other relationships were rather shallow. She died a few years ago and now I'm finding asexuals like myself to be friends with. Discussing things with your partner is certainly a good idea. If you have a stable, loving relationship with them it might not matter if they actually loved someone else. I never had sex with my parents of course, but they knew I loved both of them, they loved me and it all served to strengthen the bonds we shared. STD's are a genuine concern so condoms are absolutely necessary if you both want to pursue what you have suggested. From what I have seen, most prostitutes are rather fastidious when it comes to sexual hygiene. They either have condoms themselves or insist their partner has them. The disadvantage is that prostitutes can be rather expensive on a regular basis. If one can afford this it certainly eliminates the possibility of a relationship with any depth occurring. From what I've read thus far yours is not an uncommon problem. Your situation is a bit happier than some because you really love your partner and want to please them. I hope this forum can be of some assistance.

[Sally]

You can't control any relationship you're in, and that goes double for a relationship you won't be in: the relationship between your husband and whoever he would be having sex with.  You won't be able to determine whether it's "casual" or not, nor would he, because as a commenter says above, he may fall  in love with her/they may fall in love with each other.  The third person may also become dissatisfied with a very restricted relationship and leave your husband, in which case he will be unhappy, and that would affect your marriage.  It simply isn't a matter of adding one thing (sex for your husband with another person) to your married life.  

[Depressed1980]

9 hours ago, ioncehadasoul said:

Hi guys, long time since I've been active. I'm struggling lately. My husband has a high sex drive and I'm just not able to have sex as much as he would like. It's putting a strain on us, but we still very much love each other. I feel like I'm just not enough. I've been wondering if maybe a solution would be for him to find someone that he's compatible with sexually? Like, I don't think it would bother me as long as it's a relationship that remains mostly casual. But I don't know. 

 

Has anyone here has experience with something like this? How do I talk to my partner about it?

I’m in your husbands position and this is the hardest position I can imagine to be in (especially if the asexuality wasn’t told from the start).  I myself have a very high sex drive. I’ve been trying to accept this but it’s becoming too much (shouldn’t we all be happy?). The years of neglect lead to alcohol, Anger, and resentment. I have contemplated on cheating but can’t bring myself but I can’t deny my basic (and honestly typical needs). 

 

Realistically, an open relationship seems like the answer but in reality it’s opening for him meeting someone that he is compatible with emotionally and sexually. 

 

Its hard. You can take the gamble on allowing the open relationship, or you can keep having his needs not met which means cheating or quitting anyways. Basically the decision I’m being forced into. Has nothing to do with love ( I love her but I am in a downward spiral because she can’t show the physical love I feel is necessary).