GhostlyG Posted February 27, 2018 Share Posted February 27, 2018 My girlfriend and I started dating about 4 or 5 months ago. It's been great, we meld together really well, and always have. But, I've always noticed that she doesn't really respond to touch very well, we kissed once before but it was very quick and awkward, but we did not kiss 'comfortably' or at all after that until we'd dated for 3 months. Recently I had noticed that she started to get really nervous whenever I brought up anything relating to intimacy, so.... I decided that i would start looking into this. I found this web site and decided i'd ask her if she was asexual. She said she was. This scared me because i still didn't really know what asexuality was, so i reacted poorly... I thought it meant that everything we had been through was just a lie, like she did not really love me and that i was just here so she could seem normal. But, later on in the day we discussed over facetime what her asexuality actually meant, most of it was not a big deal... but, she told me she would probably never have sex. This was a problem. I could not imagine a relationship without sex , it seems like something so vital to any and all of them. She told me that she would not unless something very miraculous happened. She also told me that she really did not want to move our relationship forward in its intimacy level at all, basically no making out or tongue kisses. I personally find all of this extremely vital to any relationship and she really didnt want anything to do with any of it. After a very long discussion we decided it would probably be best if we broke up, but neither of us actually wanted to do that, so we did not. We agreed to compromise, not that we know how considering I was not really ready for making out at that point in time let alone sex. So, we decided that what we would do is that she would eventually try making out with me although she says she still believes that she will be celibate forever. This really is a big dilemma for me, I really don't want to give up this girl that is perfect in every way except what I would want physically from a relationship. I'm assuming most people here would agree that we should just break up but neither of us want to do that, so any advice is welcome, even break up advice. Link to post Share on other sites
taebae Posted February 27, 2018 Share Posted February 27, 2018 First of all, if you really want to try and maintain the relationship, respect her limits. I cannot stress this enough. The fact that she is willing to compromise for you is a big deal and it shouldn't be taken for granted. If you two try making out and she decides that it is something she is willing to continue doing, don't get your hopes up that, somewhere down the line, she might want to go even further. Because it's likely that she won't. I've been in the same situation before in which I started compromising for my partner, but making out was the extent of what I could do. I tried having sex for his sake and I simply couldn't do it. That was too far beyond my limit. Everyone is different, so I'm not saying things will be the same for you and your girlfriend, but I think it's important to keep in mind that sex may not ever be an option. Always discuss with her first before initiating a make-out session or any other form of initimacy, because she might need time to mentally prepare for it or there may be times where she simply does not want to. Also, make sure you establish how often she'd be willing to be intimate with you in the first place, because pressuring someone to frequently engage in something that they don't particularly like to do or feel uncomfortable doing can trigger distress and resentment in the long run. Lastly, if sex is something that you absolutely cannot go without, try pursuing an open or a polyamorous relationship so that you can have your sexual needs satisfied. Otherwise, it will be best to break up. Link to post Share on other sites
Telecaster68 Posted February 27, 2018 Share Posted February 27, 2018 To lay it out bluntly, these are your options: 1. Accept you'll never have sex as long as you're with her. 2. Agree an open relationship with her. 3. Cheat. 4. Break up. The second is the only one that isn't totally guaranteed to crash and burn the relationship, so that's the conversation to have. Link to post Share on other sites
Mx. Who Posted February 28, 2018 Share Posted February 28, 2018 I've never had a boyfriend, but this is how I would feel if I were her. (This may be spot on or completely incorrect. Just trying to help.) I would like to hold hands and hug. I would be comfortable with kisses on the cheek. I would maybe be willing to receive chaste kisses. But I would never be comfortable with sex. Basically, see what she's comfortable with. If you pressure her, you WILL lose her. Talk things out. MAY THE ODDS BE EVER IN YOUR FAVOR (Sorry, but that was a perfect opening) Link to post Share on other sites
That_One_Ace Posted February 28, 2018 Share Posted February 28, 2018 Take your time be patient DO NOT EXPECT SEX BECAUSE YOU ARE DATING you need to take about the possible outcomes if this becomes an issue. if you really like her then take the time to figure this out, i hope you work through this! Link to post Share on other sites
Depressed1980 Posted February 28, 2018 Share Posted February 28, 2018 23 hours ago, GhostlyG said: My girlfriend and I started dating about 4 or 5 months ago. It's been great, we meld together really well, and always have. But, I've always noticed that she doesn't really respond to touch very well, we kissed once before but it was very quick and awkward, but we did not kiss 'comfortably' or at all after that until we'd dated for 3 months. Recently I had noticed that she started to get really nervous whenever I brought up anything relating to intimacy, so.... I decided that i would start looking into this. I found this web site and decided i'd ask her if she was asexual. She said she was. This scared me because i still didn't really know what asexuality was, so i reacted poorly... I thought it meant that everything we had been through was just a lie, like she did not really love me and that i was just here so she could seem normal. But, later on in the day we discussed over facetime what her asexuality actually meant, most of it was not a big deal... but, she told me she would probably never have sex. This was a problem. I could not imagine a relationship without sex , it seems like something so vital to any and all of them. She told me that she would not unless something very miraculous happened. She also told me that she really did not want to move our relationship forward in its intimacy level at all, basically no making out or tongue kisses. I personally find all of this extremely vital to any relationship and she really didnt want anything to do with any of it. After a very long discussion we decided it would probably be best if we broke up, but neither of us actually wanted to do that, so we did not. We agreed to compromise, not that we know how considering I was not really ready for making out at that point in time let alone sex. So, we decided that what we would do is that she would eventually try making out with me although she says she still believes that she will be celibate forever. This really is a big dilemma for me, I really don't want to give up this girl that is perfect in every way except what I would want physically from a relationship. I'm assuming most people here would agree that we should just break up but neither of us want to do that, so any advice is welcome, even break up advice. Sounds like breaking up is the best thing for you to do. You will not be satisfied as a sexual person with this arrangement and there is no reason to force her into something she’s not comfortable with. You’re not compatible. There will be plenty of people you are compatible with. Don’t waste the time and move on before you commit to too much. Link to post Share on other sites
soda59 Posted February 28, 2018 Share Posted February 28, 2018 I wish she had told you sooner, to be truthful......But I get your relationship is new....Some asexuals are willing to compromise on sex, but you can't count on it...If you aren't compatible it's okay. It's important to not pressure her into anything , but it's also important for you not to feel pressured to never have sex for her sake....so it may be best to move on...It's really up to you. There are definitely couples who stay together despite this. Link to post Share on other sites
Taylor Lilith Posted February 28, 2018 Share Posted February 28, 2018 Often in situations like this making a very hard short choice is better than prolonging a less painful one. Breakups suck but ultimately both of you will get over it. From what little I've read of your life I've read through this post you aren't compatible. Limping along in constant agony of neither of you getting what you want but too afraid to let go is going to become more and more impossible. My advice: breakup. It'll suck but it'll get better. It's a better idea than limping on forever over something that won't ever work. Link to post Share on other sites
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