HappyMJ Posted February 27, 2018 Share Posted February 27, 2018 (edited) So, it's not urgent or anything but I wanted to ask of anyone had advice. I am asexual in the definition in which I do not experience attraction, however I do have the desire for the feeling of sex. I am in a sexual relationship with my boyfriend, in which he does things for me, and out of fairness I do things for him. However, it's getting harder and harder for me to buck up and do things for him, and I'm wondering if there are alternatives (that aren't including someone else or him doing it alone). If it really bothers me, and I ask him to stop he will stop. He never wants to do anything that makes me uncomfortable, and I've asked to stop doing certain things because of uncomfort. However I also know that he might feel left out, lonely, or sad, even if he doesn't say so. I would not want him to feel this way. And I would not want to stop all sexual activity, because I would miss the feeling. Anyone have advice? Edit: Adding something, not in reply to anyone. I would also like to hear any advice anyone might have as to making sex easier to do? As in, more comfortable to do. As well as that he does not need much from me. It is ironic because he is pan but seemingly has lower sex drive, and I'm ace with a higher drive than most. It's just that I want to be there for him when he does have the drive. Edited February 27, 2018 by HappyMJ to clarify Quote Link to post Share on other sites
MissMidnight Posted February 27, 2018 Share Posted February 27, 2018 Do things your comfortable with, with him. So if your comfortable with say kissing, nips, bites, touching etc as like for foreplay then focus on alot of that and that may help. You might just need to find the compromise or balance of what your comfortable with and what he likes. Communication ive found is a huge thing to make things work especially when both parties are different. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Yeast Posted February 27, 2018 Share Posted February 27, 2018 2 minutes ago, MissMidnight said: Do things your comfortable with, with him. Very good advice. Discussing things also helps enormously. Does your friend know you are asexual? Does he know what an asexual is? Granted one risks their partner not believing in such a thing but it is far better than pretending one is not what they actually are. Then again, are you comfortable with your asexuality? You seem to be because you appear to be able to accept various aspects of both your and your partner's libido without feeling overly compromised. Asexuality can be confusing for both you and your partner. I began to question mine because I engage in sex with just myself. However reading other's posts has convinced me one can be asexual and also auto-sexual at the same time. The question I'm asking now is whether someone who's never experienced sexual attraction can change - or is this permanent? It's not really something which deeply concerns me though. I've always been comfortable with what I am or am not or even perhaps what I may be in the future. AVEN is a forum that answers many questions. I hope it helps to answer yours. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
MissMidnight Posted February 27, 2018 Share Posted February 27, 2018 1 minute ago, Yeast said: However reading other's posts has convinced me one can be asexual and also auto-sexual at the same time. The question I'm asking now is whether someone who's never experienced sexual attraction can change - or is this permanent? It's not really something which deeply concerns me though. From the subcategories of being Ace ive read it seems like it can change or maybe you fall under a different part of ace than you originally thought. Though in saying that the subcategories did confuse me a little on where I fall under lol. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
HappyMJ Posted February 27, 2018 Author Share Posted February 27, 2018 @Yeast, yes I'm very comfortable with my sexual/romantic orientation! I was more uncomfortable the first time I had feelings for him, haha. He is the only person I've had romantic feelings for and the only one I'm comfortable with having sex with. He knows I'm asexual, and he tries hard to make sure I'm not uncomfortable. I will try to have a discussion with him about this. While he will not try to guilt trip me or make me feel bad, I think it's mostly my own guilt that will make it hard. I like to keep things in the relationship completely fair, and I guess a part of me feels like it won't be as fair if I pick and choose what I'm comfortable with when he does not have to. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
uhtred Posted February 27, 2018 Share Posted February 27, 2018 Unfortunately for many sexual people, sex is vital to a happy romantic relationship. You should not feel pressured to do things you don't want, BUT if he is someone who needs sex to be happy (as many do), then he should not feel pressured to stay in a relationship where he is not happy. For many people, there is no substitute for sex. I wish it was easy. I wish that there were other ways you could make it up to him - but there may not be. I say this as a sexual person in a long term marriage with someone who is nearly asexual. Its miserable. She tries to make me happy other ways. I know she tries and does her best and I love her for it - but it doesn't fix the long term frustration and barely suppressed resentment I feel for missing out on what to me is an important part of my life. There is no blame - but it is still a dark cloud that has hung over us and which will never lift. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
HappyMJ Posted February 27, 2018 Author Share Posted February 27, 2018 @uhtred I'm sorry to hear about you and your wife.. However I don't believe that is the case for my relationship. He is not pressured to stay with me. If he truly wanted to go, I would let him because I want him to be happy. But he has not expressed wanting to break up to me. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
HappyMJ Posted February 27, 2018 Author Share Posted February 27, 2018 Adding something, not in reply to anyone. I would also like to hear any advice anyone might have as to making sex easier to do? As in, more comfortable to do. As well as that he does not need much from me. It is ironic because he is pan but seemingly has lower sex drive, and I'm ace with a higher drive than most. It's just that I want to be there for him when he does have the drive. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
uhtred Posted February 27, 2018 Share Posted February 27, 2018 1 hour ago, HappyMJ said: Adding something, not in reply to anyone. I would also like to hear any advice anyone might have as to making sex easier to do? As in, more comfortable to do. As well as that he does not need much from me. It is ironic because he is pan but seemingly has lower sex drive, and I'm ace with a higher drive than most. It's just that I want to be there for him when he does have the drive. Do you mean physically comfortable or mentally comfortable? If you are talking about physical comfort, and about intercourse, can you get physically aroused (even if you don't enjoy sex)? If so, then getting aroused before penetration, with him stimulating you, using a vibrator etc might help. You might also see if there are sexual activities other than intercourse (like oral) that would make him happy. If you are talking about mental comfort, then I think that is very dependent on your own feelings. Still, in general if you don't enjoy sex, than it won't be pleasant, and if he loves you, despite his desire for sex, he will not want to do things that are unpleasant for you. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
HappyMJ Posted February 28, 2018 Author Share Posted February 28, 2018 @uhtred, it is mental discomfort. I discussed it with him and he said that we can stop, or try and figure out a way to make it mentally more comfortable for me. I'm going to keep trying to find ways to make it more comfortable, because I want to make him happy. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
GLRDT Posted March 4, 2018 Share Posted March 4, 2018 On 2/27/2018 at 6:53 PM, HappyMJ said: @uhtred, it is mental discomfort. I discussed it with him and he said that we can stop, or try and figure out a way to make it mentally more comfortable for me. I'm going to keep trying to find ways to make it more comfortable, because I want to make him happy. I had to figure out all the reasons why I didn't like sex before I explored what I can like about it for when I'm compromising for my partner. Things I can like about is it can be fun or funny and you can learn about your partner in a new way. I'm sensual so I like getting to be physically close and touching my partner. Some sexual stuff can feel kinda nice. I also like giving something valuable to my partner. I also realized that when I breathe deeper during sex it can help me get more in touch with nice sensations in my body so I don't get distracted or get out of the mood. Also explore what turns you on and try to make it happen. Find the good things or potential for good things and focus on them. Look at it has a fun challenge or adventure. This has helped me mentally. Good luck! Quote Link to post Share on other sites
HappyMJ Posted March 4, 2018 Author Share Posted March 4, 2018 @GLRDT, thank you! The main problem is not that sex doesn't feel good, but that it's hard for me to man up make him feel good. But thank you for the advice, I will definitely try exploring to find out if there's a way I can make it better for me. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
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