The ace of the group

[sasa]

So i have a group of friends, and all of them are cis-het females -except for one, who's bi-. the point is that all of them are allosexual, and i'm the closeted-asexual sheep of the family. I love them so much, but when we meet, they will always end up talking about sex, or "hot guys", and that stuff. and the worst thing is when they ask for my opinion, ah. I feel so uncomfortable.

I mean, once a friend complained because the main character of a book died being a virgin, so imagine.

I'm afraid to come out because sex seems to be soooooo important to them and i feel like they're not going to accept me for who i am; what if they stop talking to me just because i'm ace and "boring"?

I just don't know what to do, ah.

Thanks for taking your time reading, btw<3

[soda59]

They probably already know you're kind of not like them. You can't hide it that well. If they stuck with you this long, I don't really think you being upfront about being ace is going to change things... There is a chance they may not believe you, I guess ? How open-minded are they?

[sasa]

2 minutes ago, spazzticsoda said:

They probably already know you're kind of not like them. You can't hide it that well. If they stuck with you this long, I don't really think you being upfront about being ace is going to change things... There is a chance they may not believe you, I guess ? How open-minded are they?

first of all, i don't have a clue if they suspect anything, because i don't know if they know that asexuality is a sexuality that actually exists.

um, i guess they're the kind of people who say they support gays, but ignore the rest of the lgbtq community):

and if i came out, i think they'd probably not believe me, as you say, or say "it's only a matter of time".

but i don't know, maybe they will still love me and support me.

or maybe they'll just throw me away.

never sure.

[TessaMe]

Maybe instead of focusing on the entire group, is there just one of them who you would feel more comfortable discussing your feelings with, who you feel might be the most understanding (and able to keep it to herself)? There's no need to come out if you're not comfortable doing it, but it's also frustrating when everyone around you is having conversations that make you uncomfortable. Sometimes just having one person who knows helps, and that person may be able to help reroute conversations or take the focus off of you when the moments arise. Talking to one person over the entire group might feel a little less daunting for you too.

 

[KendraPM]

How I see it, they like you as you are. They may not know everything about you, but no one knows everything about a person, and they enjoy hanging out with you and being around you. Otherwise they wouldn't do so. Finding out you are ace won't change that because it doesn't change you. And they have been hanging out with you as long as you've been friends.

They may not believe you, they may think it's just a phase, or there may be one or two who've heard about asexuality, (you could also try bringing up ace characters or mentioning asexuality in passing to sort of test the waters) but if it actually changed how they treated you than they either need an adjustment period before things go back to normal (how did they react to the friend who came out as bi? If they needed a brief adjustment period, then that's a good indicator that they will with you as well) or they aren't as open-minded and accepting as they should be.

The point is, they like you exactly as you are including being asexual, they just don't know they do. They are already friends with an asexual (you! ), they are just unaware they are. Finding out you are asexual shouldn't suddenly make them find you boring, no more than finding out you have green eyes when they always thought you had brown would make you boring.

 

TessaMe had a good idea too, is there one friend whom you'd feel more comfortable with discussing this? Someone you can come out to just them so you can ease into it?

[sasa]

42 minutes ago, KendraPM said:

How I see it, they like you as you are. They may not know everything about you, but no one knows everything about a person, and they enjoy hanging out with you and being around you. Otherwise they wouldn't do so. Finding out you are ace won't change that because it doesn't change you. And they have been hanging out with you as long as you've been friends.

They may not believe you, they may think it's just a phase, or there may be one or two who've heard about asexuality, (you could also try bringing up ace characters or mentioning asexuality in passing to sort of test the waters) but if it actually changed how they treated you than they either need an adjustment period before things go back to normal (how did they react to the friend who came out as bi? If they needed a brief adjustment period, then that's a good indicator that they will with you as well) or they aren't as open-minded and accepting as they should be.

The point is, they like you exactly as you are including being asexual, they just don't know they do. They are already friends with an asexual (you! ), they are just unaware they are. Finding out you are asexual shouldn't suddenly make them find you boring, no more than finding out you have green eyes when they always thought you had brown would make you boring.

 

TessaMe had a good idea too, is there one friend whom you'd feel more comfortable with discussing this? Someone you can come out to just them so you can ease into it?

fisrt of all: tHANKS. THANK YOU SO MUCH. this was actually so helpful and i feel kinda better. i don't feel ready to come out, but this changed my mind and maybe i won't have to wait a lot until i feel ready. also, my bi friend only told me about it, so i don't know how would the others react, but it's ok. also, i will try to bring lgbtq topics a lil more, and make them know that asexuality is a thing, a sexuality. i hope the day i come out they'll still ACEpt accept me for who i am, but at the moment i'm just gonna try to make them know about the different sexualities and genders<3

thanks again!

[sasa]

57 minutes ago, TessaMe said:

Maybe instead of focusing on the entire group, is there just one of them who you would feel more comfortable discussing your feelings with, who you feel might be the most understanding (and able to keep it to herself)? There's no need to come out if you're not comfortable doing it, but it's also frustrating when everyone around you is having conversations that make you uncomfortable. Sometimes just having one person who knows helps, and that person may be able to help reroute conversations or take the focus off of you when the moments arise. Talking to one person over the entire group might feel a little less daunting for you too.

 

thanks, this helped a lot! i'm gonna try to think about who could be the right person, and maybe tell 'em about the different sexualities, so that they know what asexuality is. i'm so shy, so it might take a while, but every lil progress is still progress. thanks again!

[Dean.]

When I came out to my friends at first they were accepting, then they kind of started complaining about how I won't be able to talk about girls or boys and now I just kind of make a joke with it, when they start talking about that I will just sit and listen and randomly jump in and make a quick joke about it and they find it funny. Thing is though, we don't only talk about sex and romance all the time, so you can still talk to them about other things and just more listen when they start to talk about the other stuff.

[sasa]

2 minutes ago, Dean. said:

When I came out to my friends at first they were accepting, then they kind of started complaining about how I won't be able to talk about girls or boys and now I just kind of make a joke with it, when they start talking about that I will just sit and listen and randomly jump in and make a quick joke about it and they find it funny. Thing is though, we don't only talk about sex and romance all the time, so you can still talk to them about other things and just more listen when they start to talk about the other stuff.

i'm not the one who usually changes the topic or whatever because i'm actually very shy, but i'll try to interact more when we do other stuff, and just stay quiet when they talk bout stuff that makes me feel uncomfortable. maybe they'll notice that i'm not interested and ask me, and that'd be an opportunity to come out. 

thank you a lot for helping me! i'll try my best.