New&confused. Can you want the opposite sex’s body but not be trans?

[BetaBeta]

Hey guys, I’m a new poster but have read topics here and there, and am thinking I can get some clarity from you beautiful people. Since I’m new to the forum and very new to the community, please bear patience if I accidentally say something offensive. Just let me know and I’ll update it! I mean well and respect each and every person here. This was also written in a few sittings but I did my best to keep it coherent. I’m confused by tried to keep it non confusing. 

 

First things first, I’m not looking for a diagnosis or anything, I know a gender therapist is what I would need for that. I’m more looking to get my feet wet, with what’s “normal/cis” and what may be something more. Questions at the end, skip ahead if you just want to answer those!

 

I’m 25 years old, and spent most of my life okay as a female. I never really had any urgent sense that I’m anything else, though was very much a “tomboy”. The usual, played in the woods and with dinosaurs/bikes, never had any interest in gossiping, etc. Always a girl, if not super feminine. Never liked playing girls in games or character creation. I wanted a penis instead.  Puberty brought feelings of grossness at my vagina, a dislike which grew to hatred at my DDD breasts, and very little interest in sex. I started dating my boyfriend 7 years ago right after high school graduation. In college I learned about asexuality from you all and felt I fit in, maybe I wasn’t so unusual after all. My boyfriend was absolutely supportive.

 

A few years ago I learned what transgender was when a very close friend’s brother came out as ftm, and maybe a year later learned that there is a spectrum for gender other than 100% male/female. I thought, “huh, I relate to a lot of this” but sort of left it at that. I’m often mistaken for a guy in public due to no makeup, a more masculine face, loose clothes, and short hair. Then the boobs show, and the person will get embarrassed, my boyfriend will be uncomfortable and correct them and say “how dare they,” but I... almost enjoy it. 

Never brought this stuff up to my boyfriend as it was only a slightly nagging thought. 

 

Since then I’ve been increasingly exposed to people who aren’t cisgender, as well as media and even a TV show where a character is very arguably not cis and living normally with everyone, never referred to improperly. And the more exposed I am to this community, the more open my perception of gender becomes... and I am left to wonder. 

 

I don’t really think I identify with asexuality any more, but maybe the lack of interest/sexuality is more because I’ve never liked my breasts/vagina and because I’m suppressing the very idea that I might not be cookie-cutter woman. 

 

Over the years that desire for a penis has grown to a desperate need, and think how wonderful it would be to get a packer and binder. I would get a breast reduction in a heartbeat. I’m heartbroken that there is no way to get a functional penis. But I look at men, and I don’t think “that’s me.” I don’t like being a woman, but don’t want to be/feel like I  am a man. This need fluctuates, sometimes I’m content where I am and like looking cute, then another day I’ll look at my “cute” hoodies and shirts and think “how the hell could I ever wear those?” And have severe anxiety about my breasts being on my chest. 

 

Last year I mentioned to my boyfriend (same one as 7 years ago!) how I’d love to have a penis. No, not as a fetish, just to have. Flaccid and all. Be able to pee standing up, suffer ball sweat, everything. He was surprised, and when I asked “don’t you ever think about not having your own genitals?” He said with 100% certainty that he’d never give up his penis for anything. He joked that no man would give up their favorite body part, and if I had a penis for a day I’d have so much fun with it I’d understand why. 

 

So that’s what’s had me wondering. Now that you’ve heard my life story. Are you happy with your genitals? If your genitals match your gender, would you want to trade them away, or are you appalled at the very idea of losing them? Can women like their vagina the same way men like their penises? 

 

I think I’m at peace with maybe not being 100% woman, perhaps fluid to a degree, or perhaps I’m just a cis girl going through a phase. but mostly I want to know what you guys think. I’d like some more viewpoints on whether it’s “normal” for a cis person to hate their sexual parts this much/have such a strong desire for the opposite genitalia, but not necessarily become a man. 

[squaggly]

I thought about being the other gender for a little bit, and I can see upsides to it, but I won't go far enough to classify myself as trans. I'm just a person who can see upsides to the other thing. A trans person would go to greater lengths to become the other gender

[Acing It]

1 hour ago, squaggly said:

I thought about being the other gender for a little bit, and I can see upsides to it, but I won't go far enough to classify myself as trans. I'm just a person who can see upsides to the other thing. A trans person would go to greater lengths to become the other gender

erm... not all trans people 'become' the other gender. This can be for a wide variety of reasons. I also think you mean become the other sex to their birth sex because they are the other gender already. (apologies for the nit picking! but I feel it's important to be clear, especially with people who are questioning).

 

In answer to the OPs question. I think that it's very much possible to want to have some of what the other sex has. This too can be for a variety of reasons. A lot of women would be very happy being able to pee standing up and not having to queue to use the toilet. As I mentioned above, transgender people or transsexual people will be the other gender already and may in many cases want to align their bodies to their gender. Not all do, though but they may feel a strong compulsion, often through dysphoria of some sort. Some go the whole way, others don't.

 

Only you can decide whether you are trans or not, after a lot of thinking, considering and research probably, but please don't feel pushed into calling yourself trans because you don't fit the binary. I would also add something to what your boyfriend said - no man would give up his penis if he feels in line with his birth sex. I think some men would gladly give up their penis or not be bothered. It's got its downsides as well, just like a vagina has its downsides. There are men who feel the opposite same as you as well, I'm sure!

[bonny]

I can identify with some of your thoughts and feelings. As a child, I was neither especially feminine nor especially masculine. As an adult...I think that has remained similar. I guess I am fairly androgynous in hairstyle, facial features and dress. I remember I very much disliked developing breasts and starting periods. I'd be quite happy to get rid of my breasts, but am nowhere near uncomfortable enough about them to contemplate surgery. I am curious about what it would be like to have a penis, to the extent that I have bought several packers and experimented with them, although I have never worn them outside the house. I wish it was possible to experience for a short time what it feels like to possess a real, "grown-on" penis, but am unsure whether I'd want to stick with it permanently once I'd satisfied my curiosity. I've never identified as trans. I hope these thoughts can be helpful to you as you seek to understand your own thoughts and feelings. 

[binary suns]

I would get rid of my genitals ina heart be. not having the correct genitals sort of is disappointing, I guess in a alienating way, of knowing that I am missing something most others of my gender have... but intrinsically, i am okay without it. I suppose that if I was born cis and lost my genitals for any reason, I'd be hurt and feel lost and destroyed. But that is just speculation.

 

can women love their vagina as much as men do? hell yeah! 

 

can someone want different genitals without wanting to be that gender? yup, that can be some folk for sure.

 

[Janus the Fox]

I've have done wanting a more female body, but, the trans question is a little more unclear.  The body feels female enough despite being male.  It's perhaps my agendered philosophy.

[Purple_Panda]

This is exactly what I've been struggling with. I'd love to have characteristics of both sexes. I think I might be bigender, although I have thought that I was transgender. Everything is still up in the air for me, except perhaps my sexuality. I'm seeing a therapist to figure my gender out. 

 

My point is, you're not alone, @BetaBeta. 

[BetaBeta]

Thank you all for your input. I have been thinking deeply about what you guys have said, and while I don’t have much of a solid response, I wanted to say that I appreciate it your thoughts. 

 

@Purple_Panda , @bonnie, your thoughts do help immensely as what I need most are outside experiences, to know I’m not alone and how “normal” these feelings are.

 

@Acing It no worries, thankfully I am not feeling pressured to call myself trans! I honestly do not believe I am trans, as I definitely do not feel I am ftm. Perhaps somewhere in the middle, perhaps  neither gender really, or perhaps I am just a cis female who wants male parts. All I know for sure is that the need has always been there, even young, and has gotten more urgent as I grew older

[Purple_Panda]

@BetaBeta, you are so welcome. 

[Breathing....]

Just another person saying they are similarly confused about their gender.

I have female parts and I don’t like them I do wonder a lot if I’d prefer male parts or perhaps no parts at all. It is something I haven’t managed to discuss or even allow myself to discuss until now. Some days I’m almost surprised when there isn’t a penis there. I have been male in most of the dreams I can remember.

Sometimes I wonder if it’s linked to my asexuality and sex repulsion, and then I think why would it be I wasn’t comfortable with being ‘she’ long before I even realized I was different from my peers (aka realized I was asexual-didn’t have a name for it and was still ‘waiting’ for me to grow into a sexuality in my mid 20’s 🤦‍♀️😳).

When I was younger I alway referred to myself as ‘we’ wasn’t until people really started to tease me about it that I made a conscious ‘decision’ to be ‘i’. It’s still feels wrong but I’m so conscious of it at this stage.

[ReyGraves]

I am trans, as such my genitals don’t match my gender. Buuuut I wouldn’t trade my vagina for a penis, so I’m almost the opposite of you. I am a man but I don’t want a penis. I have little/no dysphoria about my genitals. (Maybe it’s because I’ve grown used to my vagina or maybe it’s because I don’t know what I’m missing. But I would definitely hesitate if I was offered a way to magically have a penis.) 

[BetaBeta]

@Breathing.... I definitely understand how you feel, and I’m honored that this post got you thinking.  Took me until my 20s as well to start wondering “huh, why haven’t I started really caring about sex?....” 

 

I think for me it does stem from my current feelings. So much confusion and dislike aimed toward all my sexual parts that I just don’t have an interest. 

 

@ReyGraves that’s something I didn’t expect to hear, and I’m really happy for you that you are happy with what you have <3 thank you for showing me that wanting a certain body/parts isn’t the most important factor at play here. 

[BetaBeta]

What’s interesting to me, is how many people say they wouldn’t switch, and it baffles me. My brain just responds with “why not?! Can people actually like what they have??”

 

Im starting to understand more. Thinking how if I had a penis and flat chest I probably wouldn’t trade them away for the world, but that could also be because I’ve spent so many years wanting, needing them. If I got them I’d never let go!

[Taylor Lilith]

Okay ... so complicated.  I'm gendefluid.  I'm agender and my penis is just kinda there, I could live with it, I could live without it.  I could live with neither it's just kinda .... there 

 

However when I'm a woman I wake up crying from happy dreams where I am menstruating to back in a body I don't belong in.  When I'm a woman my penis and I ... don't get along too well.  We're talking like trading a cis woman for her uterus while she menstruates level of desire for a uterus.

 

Sometimes I don't care that I have anything and sometimes I really want a uterus/vagina/ability to have a period.

What I desperately *DO* want is boobs.  It would help pull off a lot of outfits if I had boobs.

Terms like "opposite" parts I don't want to touch with a 20 foot pole right now.  Some of you need to brush up on gender as it relates with biology and how "opposite" isn't something that exists in gender or genitals.

[Iota Tau]

I've mentioned this elsewhere, but there are days where, while I still feel the same non-binary gender I always do, my dysphoria changes. I call these my male days because I feel that I should have a totally AMAB body instead of an AFAB body that went through masculine puberty from the waist up.

Basically, my point is that while most people's transsexual feelings line up with their transgender feelings, they can be seperate, and that could be the case with you.

[Albine]

On 2/26/2018 at 1:54 PM, squaggly said:

I thought about being the other gender for a little bit, and I can see upsides to it, but I won't go far enough to classify myself as trans. I'm just a person who can see upsides to the other thing. A trans person would go to greater lengths to become the other gender

I can certainly relate you what you are saying and feeling. i too feel that way a lot how ever going the other way. I always wanted boobs and after a few year considering i ended up having cosmetic surgery (male Breast augmentation). My surgeon  "talked" me into going larger to be more proportional to my body for what i had wanted. It was not a hard sell to agree with his thoughts. Now I present as a guy with noticeable breasts, while pleased with the results I do find it somewhat difficult at times expressing who I am around others.   I am not trans although I feel i Id more with women them men. Breasts as mentioned are highly sexualized and are a main staple of determining what ones perceives your sex to be and in their terms what you are allowed to do and what you aren't allowed to do.  This summer should be very interesting as prior years I could as a guy walk around shirtless and there was no issues, Now that i have implants the idea of going shirtless is unquestionable in many people's view even though i still present as a male. (Just an interesting note when I ask others)

 

Now that i am experiencing having breasts I can relate very much how some woman with larger breasts or those not comfortable with the over sexualization over their chests would feel or want a reduction or as some would have become totally flat.

[Rodsie8181]

I really do dislike my female parts. For awhile I've been wondering what it'd be like to have male parts or no parts. 

 

But I know one thing for sure:

I'D GIVE UP NY UTERUS IN A HEART BEAT. PLEASE. I DON'T WANT IT!

[Lonemathsytoothbrushthief]

Personally I find that I mostly would like to have some aspects of medical transition-things like not having the most widely depicted AFAB hourglass shape would be nice, cause I don't like these hips at all, and top surgery, a thicker jaw and at times even facial hair-though with that since it's not something I'd be overjoyed about and would get on my touch sensitive nerves a lot, better to think of temporary alternatives like makeup and stuff you stick on.

As far as my genitals go, I usually kinda hate them? This has reasons outside of gender dysphoria though and I mostly just feel quite alienated from my body in general, even when I actually am a girl and dysphoria goes away for a bit, I still feel fake in some way.

And yeah. A tip for terminology, if you want to talk about the types of body parts which people have as their physical sex characteristics, the terms you're looking for aren't opposite/other sex or gender, as far as body types go describe them as assigned female/male at birth. There's a tendency for opposite to sound like there are only two genders or sexes, and even more so with "the other gender/sex", but intersex and non binary people exist, and also a lot of people are uncomfortable with talking about trans people as "transsexual" as separating transgender from it can imply that medical transition is the ultimate goal for trans people. But really there are all kinds of transitions-the moment of coming out, asking for different pronouns, names, changing legal gender, makeup and clothes etc are just as valid a way to feel comfortable in your gender. This last bit is just cause someone used the word and I wanted to save you hassle.

 

Anyway, I'm a genderfluid person who is interested in medically transitioning to be closer to an AMAB body type, and I'm also sometimes a woman, it does complicate what you want to do with your body.