I really like this guy...

[zoetrope98]

I recently matched with this guy on Bumble (dating app), and as we've been talking, I've already been falling for him. He says the most beautiful things to me and makes me feel really special and cared out. We're both assuming we'll meet eventually (he lives an hour away), but all I can think of now is disappointing him, because I'm pretty sure he's heterosexual. But he does talk about wanting to cuddle and give me a back massage, two things I am very eager to do. Yet, he also wants to kiss me (which I'm not necessarily opposed to, just a little confused). I don't want to think too far into the future, but now I can't imagine disappointing him in person. 

 

Help?

[ponz]

Don't trust those sweet words.  He may genuinely mean them, but that doesn't mean he's a good guy and that he maturely cares about you.  He might be a total asshole who's caught up in the infatuation.  So please tread lightly.  Also, the fact that you're confused and seeking other people's opinions indicates that you think something might be off.  Don't ignore those doubts; trust your gut!!!

 

Warnings aside, I think that you should be completely upfront with what kinds of things you're comfortable with BEFORE you meet up (if you haven't been already), especially since you've met him online.  Look for any red flags in his reactions.  I consider being immediately, absolutely ok with cuddling, massaging and kissing, but no sex to be a huge red flag.  It's more normal for someone to be confused/have questions or for them to say the usual crap like "oh you don't want sex?  well I'll be sure to change your mind about that!  😉"  If they instantly act like that's totally cool, I'd be worried.  Even if he is genuinely ok with it for your first meet, chances are he'll be expecting sex and the like eventually.  He may think you're just 'playing hard to get.'

 

If he's really a good guy and worth your time, he'd be willing to have a mature discussion with you about your wants and boundaries without all the sweet talk.  If he can't do that, my advice is to give up on him. 

 

Whatever you choose to do, always make sure to keep yourself safe.  ^-^

[wonderflonium]

I would hesitate too - I don't have tons of experiencing dating, but when I have dated it's been with heterosexuals, and generally, those kinds of comments about cuddling and backrubs were all meant as precursors to sex in order to "put me in the mood". They were nice people, but they often had one goal in mind, which was different from mine. Learning the difference can be painful and annoying. I haven't dated since identifying as asexual, so I'm not sure how I would approach the conversation now, but even back then, I was clear about my boundaries and what was okay, and what was not at that moment in time. Some were okay with it, some were not, but that was ultimately their choice. The important thing is to not put yourself in a situation with a stranger that could be dangerous, or make you feel like you need to behave a certain way in order to appease them, or keep yourself safe in the grander sense.

 

My advice, for what it's worth, would be to find a way to talk to him about your boundaries as soon as possible, especially since you live farther away, so a more casual (go for coffee) approach to getting to know each other isn't possible. Also, don't feel like you have to use official terms are jargon - sometimes using more descriptive and explanatory words works better so that people really understand what your asexuality means for you, specifically. Like ponz mentioned - pay attention to his reaction, and decide if his response is the right one for you.

 

I hope it works out for you!