Any tips?

[T...]

Hi all.
I've read lots of posts on this community, and thanks to all of You, I've learned a great part about asexuals. Right now I'm a bit in a middle of a "existential crisis", so I would like to ask all about how should I process this or how to improve (any tip is welcome) :

I'm a male, sexual (some people say I'm a bit over-active) and I've been dating my wife for almost 6 years, being almost 3 of them in marriage. The relationship was normal, she demonstrated interest in sexual activity, but, after she got pregnant (about 2 years ago) we basically stopped wanting sex. I thought she could be feeling hormonal inbalance, low self-esteem, or anything like that, asked and she told me she was feeling okay, just not "in the mood". After almost 2 years of this we talked, she finally reached the conclusion that she is asexual (she isn't disgusted, but she feels indifferent), and she told me that the past was not that she had will to do it, she just wanted to do it for me. She was always asexual...

 

I told her I respect her way and try to support her. I love her and I want her to feel loved, so we tried managing a deal between the two of us, so that i don't get frustrated for lack of it, but i don't want to insist on it, to give her space. I was a bit depressed at the time of these "news", because I asked if she was happy with the relationship, she told me she was, but I still didn't see any reaction from her side. I used to try to stay fit, but because of following up with the pregnancy and my work i stopped training, got fat, and was feeling like maybe she wasn't "in the mood" because of me. The "news" on a way were good (she didn't mind my body), but I still had a lot to process. I started reading everything I could about asexuals and how to cope with that. We talked and we keep talking...

 

My problem now is not all the "understanding" part, but the "how to process" part. I'm not the type of guy that looks at other women (even my friends make fun of that), and as I told her, I'm not thinking of divorce, open-relationship or anything like that. I told her if i had to cut on the sexual part, I would do that for her.
My main problem to process is, while most sexuals I know complain about "lack of sex", i feel more the "lack of drive"... I know she is passive in most things (if i ask her something the usual reply is "I don't know..."), and know that since she is asexual she doesn't feel the drive to initiate anything. We could "make a deal" and try to have more sexual relations, but I always have to initiate everything. We can't exactly fake having will to physically being with someone, and I think that is what affects me more. Also, if I always have to initiate everything, even she telling me is fine, i feel I'm being "pushy". I don't want that, because I know she sometimes feels like "its her fault" (It's not, I keep telling her it's her nature and it's okay).

How do you all manage that? Am I'm being an idiot to care so much for this "little thing" (the lack of drive)? Her being passive by nature sometimes drives me crazy, because the only tip I found on "how to cope with lack of drive" is seeing that on the non-sexual part of the relationship...
I try to keep my impulses in check, I got back to training and meditation, but still, since I don't personally know someone who is asexual or has an asexual marriage, I don't know what is "normal" or not, and how to process all this...

 

Thank you all

[anamikanon]

I am hyper sensitive about this too. We actually have a good sexual relationship that is working "good enough", we are happy together, but I am still very aware that he doesn't really want it. I've got serious triggers about marital rape with a previous marriage and the idea that a partner may be "catering" to my desire against their will makes me want to run in horror. Even after being reassured all is good, a part of me is always seeking to ensure that I can do all I can. This thread here for example.

 

What has helped is taking my partner at his word. If he says he is fine, he is fine. It won't stop the urge to ensure his well being. That is part of the love combined with the knowledge that they don't really want it, even if they don't mind.

 

I wrote this on this thread by @MrDane where he speaks of feeling like he was raping his wife.

Quote

 

I have felt this on several occasions. Ironically, the occasions he had a hard on! (He later shared that he literally had to keep reminding himself "think sexy thoughts, think sexy thoughts" to be able to keep it hard) It was early on in our relationship. He wanted to please me. Also didn't want to come across as sexually incapable (he is capable, just not very interested). I have a history of having suffered marital rape without physical violence. The idea of an unwilling partner going along to cater to my sexual desire is horrifying to me. I have literally stopped in horror, apologized profusely, broken down in tears.... more. Worse.

 

With time, he realized that him pretending interest was the very last thing I wanted. He stopped doing it totally, because he realized that I DID NOT WANT SEX LIKE THIS.

 

On his end, he too helped me see that his lack of desire was not rape if he was participating voluntarily because of other reasons that were important to him. Rape is about a lack of consent, not a lack of desire. It helped bring me down from level panic of never touching him again. He also made a point strongly - that he did not want me patronizing him about what constituted his consent. Point taken, as long as he took the point on not pretending.

 

After much conversation (god, we've gone through a thousand issues and talked endlessly) we are at a sweet spot where he does not pretend sexual interest and I don't lose it totally if I suspect he isn't interested. We also have some clarity on things he does while not sexually interested to bring me sexual pleasure, which he says he wants to do, because he wants to bring me pleasure and those are not assessed in my mind by how horny he seems, but by how involved and interested he seems in touching me.

 

Hope this helps.

 

 

[T...]

Thank you for the share and tip. Glad to know you and your partner found a good balance