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Roommate's new sex-obsessed bf


wolfrose

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Let me preface this by stating my roommate and I have known each other for well over a decade, and only just moved in Sept 17th. We get along pretty well, and I've been able to be pretty open with her about my asexuality, and my mental illnesses while she's been pretty open with me about her own struggles, and even her sex-life and relationships which I don't mind. In fact I really enjoy being someone that a friend can turn and talk to about serious issues. Her boyfriend, is extremely kind, nice, polite and very respectful for the most part. 

 

He is over constantly. We've set up rules that there's no sex in common areas, which they've both respected and I'm not complaining about that exactly. However, today while trying to make my dinner they were in the living room sending links to one another of inspired rooms or things in which they would like to have. At first I didn't care, who would. Then they started going on about how it was so like 50 shades of grey and how they wanted it for this reason and wanted it for that reason. How the room would not be suitable for his son to go in it'd be their personal bedroom. ETC. Thankfully my dinner making was rather quick and I dipped out - however i made sure to run back and grab my pitcher of iced tea cause I feel uncomfortable walking back and forth from my room to the kitchen while company is over (wouldn't matter if it was a bf/parental/johndoe). 

 

Cut to maybe two hours later, I slip out to go to the washroom. They're still in the living room, watching 50 shades, and talking about how they would like to do this for that reason or whatever. Essentially using the movie for personal inspiration. They are still respecting the no sex in shared spaces part, which I appreciate but... 

 

Both of these things really... made me feel uncomfortable. Placed more by the fact that he is here constantly, but that is a different issue. That I haven't been able to bring up with them mainly due to the fact that he is here all the time. I feel a lot more comfortable talking to my roomie about it, but I also don't know how to, without being embarrassed or uncomfortable, tell her that part of her private life with the fella is bleeding into the common areas? Or am I being truly unreasonable, because part of me feels like I am, however that's simply because I'm still trying to understand the asexuality or gray-ace of myself, so I don't want to be rude and subject them to a 'crazy roommate'. 

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EveningWonder17

I don't think you're being unreasonable, to be honest I'd say even a sexual person would be uncomfortable in your position. But as far as I can see, your roommate and her boyfriend aren't really breaching the terms of your agreement, they're not having sex in the shared areas, they're only talking.

 

Granted, I think they shouldn't be talking about their sex life when you're around and that could be something you can bring up with your roommate. But I think this could just be a one time thing since they were watching 50 Shades, if it happens again though I suggest saying something. You could also possibly ask if your roommate and her boyfriend could spend some more time at his place as well, or agree to a schedule in which they get the flat to themselves a couple of nights a week. Otherwise, unless you're willing/able to live by yourself or can find another ace for a roommate, this is something that pretty much everyone has to put up with by sharing a flat.  Also, considering what you've said about your roommate, as long as you approach her nicely enough I don't think there'd be an issue as she's seems understanding.

 

I get why you're annoyed and uncomfortable, but it is important to note that sharing a place together means that you will have to compromise on things you mightn't want to compromise on, but from my perspective you have a pretty understanding roommate. 

 

Good luck! 

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You could just say hearing about what they'd like to do to each other in the bedroom makes you uncomfortable. Or go with the old favorite "get a room you two" if they start talking about it to drop a hint they're breaching acceptable public boundaries. 

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The issues is him over all the time. Trust me I have been in this situation. You don’t get your space. You can’t ever talk with your roommate on neutral ground. That means if you bring up what is bothering you it will always be two against one. If he wasn’t over all the time the issue of them talking about their sex life wouldn’t be as pervasive.

 

Roommates who have their significant others over all the time is inconsiderate. They use toilet paper, they use utilities, they don’t pay rent, they take up time and space in the bathroom, they don’t clean up after themselves, they use your stuff, they don’t take the trash out when necessary. Your roommate is bridging the original agreement by you living with an extra person that you didn’t agree to live with. As far as I am concerned she can talk about sex in the communal space. I think what is bothering you she is talking about isex with her significant other which Increases the tension.

 

The bottom line is you need to either put up with it or get another place or another roommate. Your friend wasn’t who you thought she was as a roommate. 

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Girl, I definitely know what you are going through!!!!

 

About 2 years ago, I had a roommate that was really sexual active (let's say it like that) and she didn't respect the common places, like our sofa and neither respected the boyfriend rule, so she would bring total strangers to our place without even telling me before. It was like hell, I didn't feel safe in my own house, I lost my privacy and I felt disrespected. At the end, she moved. 

 

Now with my new roommate (my sister, we are really close), I have set some rules that for me are very important: no boyfriends allowed unless the other is ok with it and any kind of love affection restricted to the room place. If you are in a common place, please act like a friend. She agreed and we live now in harmony; btw her boyfriend is completely cool with it too! 

 

Trust me, you are not being unreasonable at all!!!

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Depressed1980
On 2/25/2018 at 6:51 PM, wolfrose said:

Let me preface this by stating my roommate and I have known each other for well over a decade, and only just moved in Sept 17th. We get along pretty well, and I've been able to be pretty open with her about my asexuality, and my mental illnesses while she's been pretty open with me about her own struggles, and even her sex-life and relationships which I don't mind. In fact I really enjoy being someone that a friend can turn and talk to about serious issues. Her boyfriend, is extremely kind, nice, polite and very respectful for the most part. 

 

He is over constantly. We've set up rules that there's no sex in common areas, which they've both respected and I'm not complaining about that exactly. However, today while trying to make my dinner they were in the living room sending links to one another of inspired rooms or things in which they would like to have. At first I didn't care, who would. Then they started going on about how it was so like 50 shades of grey and how they wanted it for this reason and wanted it for that reason. How the room would not be suitable for his son to go in it'd be their personal bedroom. ETC. Thankfully my dinner making was rather quick and I dipped out - however i made sure to run back and grab my pitcher of iced tea cause I feel uncomfortable walking back and forth from my room to the kitchen while company is over (wouldn't matter if it was a bf/parental/johndoe). 

 

Cut to maybe two hours later, I slip out to go to the washroom. They're still in the living room, watching 50 shades, and talking about how they would like to do this for that reason or whatever. Essentially using the movie for personal inspiration. They are still respecting the no sex in shared spaces part, which I appreciate but... 

 

Both of these things really... made me feel uncomfortable. Placed more by the fact that he is here constantly, but that is a different issue. That I haven't been able to bring up with them mainly due to the fact that he is here all the time. I feel a lot more comfortable talking to my roomie about it, but I also don't know how to, without being embarrassed or uncomfortable, tell her that part of her private life with the fella is bleeding into the common areas? Or am I being truly unreasonable, because part of me feels like I am, however that's simply because I'm still trying to understand the asexuality or gray-ace of myself, so I don't want to be rude and subject them to a 'crazy roommate'. 

Honestly it sounds like they have a typical relationship.  You’re roommates, so you have equal share in the house/apartment.  It seems like you have more issues with the setup than they do. She can have a relationship with her bf if she wants to. Then watching a movie and fantasizing is normal (why else would 50 shades even be popular). It’s a fantasy. They won’t do it. If you have a problem with it then you shouldn’t be with your roommate. I’d assume they pay equal share so can do what they want. If you can’t accept that then you need to find a better fit. You’re complaining about one situation with a rather healthy couple (doesn’t sound like he’s abusive or even aware you were offended). What is he supposed to do? He can’t read minds. Either talk it out or separate. You may have been friends forever but a spouse and children will come along and change things. 

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Depressed1980
On 2/25/2018 at 8:26 PM, njosnavelin said:

The issues is him over all the time. Trust me I have been in this situation. You don’t get your space. You can’t ever talk with your roommate on neutral ground. That means if you bring up what is bothering you it will always be two against one. If he wasn’t over all the time the issue of them talking about their sex life wouldn’t be as pervasive.

 

Roommates who have their significant others over all the time is inconsiderate. They use toilet paper, they use utilities, they don’t pay rent, they take up time and space in the bathroom, they don’t clean up after themselves, they use your stuff, they don’t take the trash out when necessary. Your roommate is bridging the original agreement by you living with an extra person that you didn’t agree to live with. As far as I am concerned she can talk about sex in the communal space. I think what is bothering you she is talking about isex with her significant other which Increases the tension.

 

The bottom line is you need to either put up with it or get another place or another roommate. Your friend wasn’t who you thought she was as a roommate. 

You assume their situation. Every time I had a gf around more often than not I bought all the extra utilities (not hard to compare water/electrical/tp usage if you pay attention to your bills). The main room is a common area. If I want to watch a movie you don’t like (sex, violence, swearing, boring then that was my right). You don’t like that particular movie or situation then speak up or go to your room. I’d afford you the same courtesy with your SO. I was more annoyed by late night parties than a roomie watching a movie and fantasizing for 2-3 hours.  

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