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Is it possible for your outlook on sex to change ?


lemon_lime

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I feel like I used to be sex-repulsed but now I am sex-favorable. Only after years and years of trying to force myself because I didn’t know anything about asexuality. Is that possible? Or would that be called something else?

 

 

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Galactic Turtle

I think it's possible about your feelings about anything to change over time.

 

I used to be obsessed with the Powerpuff Girls. Now I never think about them.

 

I became obsessed with Star Wars twelve years ago. I'm still obsessed. 

 

I used to love graphic t-shirts. Now I shudder at the thought of wearing anything besides plain polo shirts.

 

I used to be afraid of sex because I thought I had to have it. Now I can talk about it normally because I know it's within my power to opt out.

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I personally think it's possible, although I probably wouldn't go so far as to say people go from being repulsed to favourable, but then that's just my personal experience.

 

I used to internally cringe and get upset over kisses and hugs but I found the more I got used to them, I managed to kind of dissociate myself to the point where it no longer phases me. Wouldn't go so far as to say I enjoy kissing and hugs, but if it's coming from someone who I've had long exposure to receiving that type of attention (my boyfriend for example) I find that I'm no longer repulsed.

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I think it’s possible. People grow, mature, become more wise and work out what they want for themselves. There’s many different reasons, hormones, social settings, influential people and so on.

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Most people seem to agree it is possible. 

 

The reason for my question is because I am confused by the drastic difference in how I view sex now compared to before. It is so drastic that I wonder if I have somehow assigned the wrong ID to myself. 

 

I have only recently decided I am Ace. As in, the last few weeks. 

 

The short of my story is that I have been married for 8 years. With the same guy for 15 years. Didn’t have sex until after we were married for 1.5 years. I just kept expecting it to happen when I was ready and for some naive reason I thought I was just shy. I was repulse by sex for years even after I became romantically attracted to him. We took small steps like trying making out, trying touching each other, and the repulsion slowly faded over the years. Perhaps it was just aversion but it’s hard to say since it was in the past and I didn’t have these terms at the time. 

 

According to the definition in the link I posted in my original post, sex-favorable means you can enjoy the feeling of sex, but you do not desire it. I don’t need sex at all, I do not seek it out, and I am never excited about the prospect, but when it happens I am ok with going along and enjoying the physiological feeling. 

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I used to be much much more sex averse when I was younger. I didn't even like PDA, it was that bad. I was pretty romance averse too, though , and rolled my eyes internally a lot when people talked about it. I always had a hard time trying to talk to friends about their boyfriends because I did not understand why they were so attached to them. I would get pretty irritated.

Lemon_Lime it sounds like you just got acclimated to it. I do find there are some weird lines between sexuality and asexuality .. It's can probably be heard  to tell the difference between a person who was sexual but eventually became more comfortable with sex, and an asexual person who learned to enjoy sex more over time. I guess the question is more of - are you attracted to your hubbie? Maybe demisexual or grey-a is right for you.

 

 

 

 

 

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5 hours ago, spazzticsoda said:

I guess the question is more of - are you attracted to your hubbie? Maybe demisexual or grey-a is right for you.

I actually have been discussing that issue with some people here too. And the fact is that I don’t know. I’m having a hard time understanding what sexual attraction is. But it comes down to the fact that I would rather never have sex again if that was an option (if it didn’t hurt my husband). And that is a much more easily distinguished sign of asexuality than sexual attraction. Because sexual attraction is so subjective. 

 

I just want to explain this to him so he will understand me better and maybe make our sex life less incredibly awkward. I don’t really  need to start using the ID.

 

But it is so confusing maybe gray-A would be simpler. 

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My ace fluctuates between repulsed and favorable. He's mostly favorable, but has had a couple of episodes of being repulsed for months on end. He went from being fairly excited about experiencing sex early in our relationship - the idea of it more than attraction (He was in his thirties "FINALLY" he found out what the fuss was all about). A sex repulsed phase followed once the novelty wore off. Then came favorable/repulsed/favorable/repulsed phases. These recent months, it is more favorable than repulsed, but ironically, the frequency has gone down. Go figure.

 

I have been "asexual" till my first experience of attraction at sixteen. Perhaps a late start or maybe the demi/sapio ensured that I didn't feel attraction till I got more involved... but I remember my early teens - I didn't get sexual attraction at all. It made no sense, was completely irrelevant to my interests to the point I was oblivious to boys being interested in me and on becoming aware was not flattered by it.

 

Then I was hypersexual for several years - not even demi/sapio. Was easily attracted to men, had no issues acting on it.

 

From then to a couple of years into my ex-marriage I had a fairly high sexual drive. 

 

Switched off completely when that marriage collapsed. Sex repulsed. (There were other triggers - emotional abuse, marital rape...)

 

I remained sex repulsed/asexual even after separating from my ex-husband and met my ace partner while I was asexual myself. Zero sexual feelings. Much wariness getting into a relationship with multiple disclaimers that I wasn't into it, etc. I wasn't making any guarantees whatsoever on the sex front, etc. Falling in love with him brought the attraction back "online" and I'm moderately sexual now with the occasional hypersexual phase if my ace gets very favorable. lol. The frequency doesn't get anywhere close to how often I want, but the idea of him being favorable sets me off. ROFL

 

Either sexual preferences can change/evolve with time/circumstances or I have no idea what my "real" ID is.

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4 hours ago, anamikanon said:

My ace fluctuates between repulsed and favorable. He's mostly favorable, but has had a couple of episodes of being repulsed for months on end. He went from being fairly excited about experiencing sex early in our relationship - the idea of it more than attraction (He was in his thirties "FINALLY" he found out what the fuss was all about). A sex repulsed phase followed once the novelty wore off. Then came favorable/repulsed/favorable/repulsed phases. These recent months, it is more favorable than repulsed, but ironically, the frequency has gone down. Go figure.

 

I have been "asexual" till my first experience of attraction at sixteen. Perhaps a late start or maybe the demi/sapio ensured that I didn't feel attraction till I got more involved... but I remember my early teens - I didn't get sexual attraction at all. It made no sense, was completely irrelevant to my interests to the point I was oblivious to boys being interested in me and on becoming aware was not flattered by it.

 

Then I was hypersexual for several years - not even demi/sapio. Was easily attracted to men, had no issues acting on it.

 

From then to a couple of years into my ex-marriage I had a fairly high sexual drive. 

 

Switched off completely when that marriage collapsed. Sex repulsed. (There were other triggers - emotional abuse, marital rape...)

 

I remained sex repulsed/asexual even after separating from my ex-husband and met my ace partner while I was asexual myself. Zero sexual feelings. Much wariness getting into a relationship with multiple disclaimers that I wasn't into it, etc. I wasn't making any guarantees whatsoever on the sex front, etc. Falling in love with him brought the attraction back "online" and I'm moderately sexual now with the occasional hypersexual phase if my ace gets very favorable. lol. The frequency doesn't get anywhere close to how often I want, but the idea of him being favorable sets me off. ROFL

 

Either sexual preferences can change/evolve with time/circumstances or I have no idea what my "real" ID is.

It seems to me like you are just sexual with a fluctuating sex drive, which I think is pretty normal. For example, people in the throes of depression don't really become asexual just because they don't feel like having sex.  As well, I don't think 16 is that weird to start having feelings at. My sis didn't even have a period til she was 16! Some people are like that.

 

7 hours ago, lemon_lime said:

I actually have been discussing that issue with some people here too. And the fact is that I don’t know. I’m having a hard time understanding what sexual attraction is. But it comes down to the fact that I would rather never have sex again if that was an option (if it didn’t hurt my husband). And that is a much more easily distinguished sign of asexuality than sexual attraction. Because sexual attraction is so subjective. 

 

I just want to explain this to him so he will understand me better and maybe make our sex life less incredibly awkward. I don’t really  need to start using the ID.

 

But it is so confusing maybe gray-A would be simpler. 

Have you talked to him about this? I mean if you'd rather not have sex that seems on the asexual scale to me. I guess it's kind of like you don't want a certain type of cake, but if someone made it for you , you would eat it and enjoy it,. It's not really something you would ever make on your own though. 

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37 minutes ago, spazzticsoda said:

Have you talked to him about this? I mean if you'd rather not have sex that seems on the asexual scale to me. I guess it's kind of like you don't want a certain type of cake, but if someone made it for you , you would eat it and enjoy it,. It's not really something you would ever make on your own though. 

He obviously knows how I felt about sex in the beginning, but I don’t think he realizes that it still makes me so uncomfortable. I will talk to him when I’m ready though. Still trying to figure out what to say. 

 

I’m not sure I really get the cake analogy. But I don’t really like cake.  If somebody I really cared about made it and give it to me, and if not eating it would hurt their feelings, maybe I would try it and enjoy it, it would also probably make me sick after. Because I don’t like sweets. :P 

 

 

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2 minutes ago, lemon_lime said:

He obviously knows how I felt about sex in the beginning, but I don’t think he realizes that it still makes me so uncomfortable. I will talk to him when I’m ready though. Still trying to figure out what to say. 

 

I’m not sure I really get the cake analogy. But I don’t really like cake.  If somebody I really cared about made it and give it to me, and if not eating it would hurt their feelings, maybe I would try it and enjoy it, it would also probably make me sick after. Because I don’t like sweets. :P 

 

 

Maybe the cake isn't the best !!! hahah ! I guess I just meant like a food that you don't mind and are okay with the taste of but don't prefer. Like me, I would always go for a chocolate chip cookie, or a sugar cookie, but if all they have is oatmeal raisin I guess I will eat it..

I wish you the best of luck in your conversation.

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7 hours ago, spazzticsoda said:

It seems to me like you are just sexual with a fluctuating sex drive, which I think is pretty normal. For example, people in the throes of depression don't really become asexual just because they don't feel like having sex.  As well, I don't think 16 is that weird to start having feelings at. My sis didn't even have a period til she was 16! Some people are like that. 

It may be so. The labels don't particularly bother me. Not feeling sexual computes as asexual for the practical, lived experience. Also there is the matter of having had very sexual phases, but even while being sexual, I've been demi/sapio outside them. In the sense of the people who could attract me then aren't even on the radar now. I vaguely recognize that they may be hot. But no interest, because nothing going on on the intellectual level. In my hypersexual phases, what is going on in my pants would have been reason enough.

 

This, in fact, is something of a problem right now. I am poly in belief. My partner is poly-friendly and in fact, encouraging me to have another relationship, because even if we do reasonably well sexually, it is very clear that I'd prefer a hell of a lot more sex than that and I am often sexually frustrated. I have tried finding to someone and there is no shortage of interest. They even seem nice people. At least some of them. But all I feel is "What the hell am I doing here. This is dead boring". I'm not a prude. I have no moral issues with having sex. My partner is absolutely not at all a problem with me having sex with someone, but the idea of even considering someone I don't have an intellectual connect and emotional comfort with for sex is... "All he can think of is sex. He's boring" - well, d'uh, we did sign up to find out if we could suit for a sexual relationship. Doesn't click. In my hypersexual phases, this would be good enough grounds for a trial run!!!

 

Even cultivating a relationship for the sake of eventual sex doesn't appeal. "Too much work"

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