Jump to content

Communicating with asexual partner - what works


anamikanon

Recommended Posts

As I read around the forum more, it occurs to me that we have done some things right and some things wrong and I thought it may be useful to share ideas on what helps and what doesn't on the front of communication. For us:

 

What helped

  • Asking him to tell me how he sees sexuality. This is mostly of the nature of what doesn't work for him rather than what works. But it has helped him stop feeling judged over a lack of sex drive. I was never judging, it was all in his mind, but while I initiated most of the conversations, he perceived them as a demand. Asking him more and listening attentively helped him feel heard and know that his preferences were important to me. Also, giving him a chance to state what doesn't work helped me avoid it, as well as assume the rest was a playground of opportunity, so to say. Of course, this got corrected and we discovered more things that go on the "doesn't work" list, but it helped me feel like I wasn't at a dead end while I had things to explore that he hadn't said don't work for him. Also, on occasion, we found things that worked passably, well or superlatively too.
  • Making it clear that me being horny was not his headache unless he wanted it to be. This took a while, because.... conditioning, I suppose. But eventually it got to a point where I could say that I was in the mood, and he could say that he wasn't and we could still spend time together that worked as intimacy and affection for him and foreplay for me, till it was time for him to go to sleep and me to do my thing and join him for an after-cuddle. And on occasion, he's interested to have sex or get me off, even if he doesn't want it for himself. He's become quite a superstar at this, putting all his affection and caring and clear focus to good use, so to say. It doesn't bother him, he even enjoys it as long as his body isn't stimulated in a sexual manner. He has often said he enjoys seeing me climax and be all wasted in his arms - even if it isn't so much sexual for him, as his interest in my pleasure. This is a win-win. I simply cannot stress this enough. Without this, we'd probably be two very frustrated people.
  • Explaining my horniness as a desire for him. Helping him see that any sexual contact I initiated was born of my desire for him and not of any intent to pressure him and that it was ok to take pleasure in feeling desired by his partner without feeling obliged to do anything about it.
  • Lots and lots and lots of sexual conversation. Nature of sex, psychology of sex, insights on how different people see sex, jokes, forwards, witty comments on sex, and so on. We have a lot of conversation about sex going on all the time. This has helped us build a vocabulary for talking things out between us. It has also provided a level to switch to, if things get awkward on the desire front. Say.... for example, I'm HORNY and he's not and we reach a sort of tense moment .... one of us can easily go "reminds me of that forward where blah blah blah" and the other can go "lol yes" and switch to banter or a more philosophical or biological discussion level, etc. Also gives a larger picture on diversity of how desire plays out with us somewhere on the spectrum and it being OK.
  • Living in the moment:  It may be the hundredth suggestion to have sex or the hundredth refusal, but we have always seen it for what it was in that moment. I'm feeling horny or I'm not in the mood, kind of thing without building monuments of "you always..." to it and setting them in concrete. That gave us the freedom to step outside our default preferences every single time rather than doing what we were always supposed to do. It also recognized the less common patterns - when he initiated sex or when I wasn't in the mood.
  • Role reversal: This was not deliberate. But the few times it happened, it brought a lot of "equality" to our relationship. When he was in the mood, and I wasn't, so I refused and the sex did not happen. No particular reason why it worked, logically it made no sense, but it made him initiate a lot more and the sex was hotter too. I think it sort of helped us see each other beyond our more routine actions as well. That he does desire on occasion and I am not a guaranteed perma-horny person, but a normal human who also can not be in the mood. But it has to honestly happen, I think. As in, I don't think refusing an asexual partner's offer for sex as a form of engineering something like this would work.

 

What did not help

  • Juxtaposing our sex drives against each other : I want more, you want less kind of thing or vice versa. Has led to one of three things always - him feeling like he was somehow "not enough", me feeling like I was "too greedy" about sex, or both of us feeling like the chasm between us was too wide to bridge.
  • Talking of either of our sexual preferences as though it were a problem: Like trying to find the cause of why his drive was low or mine was high, etc.
  • Complaining/grudging: Honestly, this has been rare in our relationship, but complaining about demands for sex or refusals has never led to anything good. It is always impeccably respecting our partner's position that has helped them see the caring between us that transcends things like whether sex happens on that occasion or not. The more we have respected and accommodated each other, the closer we have come and the more inclined we have been to finding middle ground.
Link to post
Share on other sites

That's all really interesting and probably useful for some people. Am I right in reading the basic dynamic as you backing off and him responding by feeling less pressured and therefore more open to having sex?

Link to post
Share on other sites

Ananmikanon, you talk about your partner sometimes being "in the mood".   If you mean in the mood for sex, it's unlikely he's an asexual.  We really don't get in the mood.  Perhaps he just doesn't  want as much sex as you do.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I'm puzzled. 

 

In a other thread,  you just posted:

Quote

I've found losing my temper has worked well to make him see that even if he doesn't have a problem with the scheme of things, someone he claims to care about does have a massive problem and he needs to pay attention

 

That doesn't square with what you've posted here, to me. Could you clarify?

Link to post
Share on other sites
5 hours ago, Telecaster68 said:

That's all really interesting and probably useful for some people. Am I right in reading the basic dynamic as you backing off and him responding by feeling less pressured and therefore more open to having sex?

Yes. Also preferences of both being "valid" and ok.

 

4 hours ago, Telecaster68 said:

I'm puzzled. 

 

In a other thread,  you just posted:

That doesn't square with what you've posted here, to me. Could you clarify?

It is less common now, but we didn't begin with being perfectly in sync. In fact, it was quite rough initially, because I kept thinking that I was getting mixed messages. Comfort and affection on one hand and complete disinterest in my desire for sex on the other. It took us a while to get here and the interim has been quite stormy. I have found that if I have a problem he is oblivious to or is ignoring, I am within my rights to be angry and express that anger and I have found it healthier than concealing it with a "mature" cover of responsible communication (which I also tried, for diplomacy or dignity or whatever reasons). If I was feeling raw and hurt and angry, then that was exactly what I acted like, and it helped him understand the impact of his lack of caring on me. Very often, it boiled down to him not realizing how much sexual intimacy meant to me, because it wasn't on his radar at all.

Link to post
Share on other sites
5 hours ago, Sally said:

Ananmikanon, you talk about your partner sometimes being "in the mood".   If you mean in the mood for sex, it's unlikely he's an asexual.  We really don't get in the mood.  Perhaps he just doesn't  want as much sex as you do.

Well, he does want sex at times. He does initiate sex. I assume this means he is in the mood for sex. After your comment, I discussed this with him, and he says sex is more situational than interpersonal attraction for him. Like if the ambience is what he thinks of as romantic, for example. Less about seeing me and being hot for sex as a result. It is hard for me to convey this exactly, because I don't quite feel desire/attraction as he does, but I have definitely experienced him wanting sex. For whatever reason.

 

It is never a "I need sex or I'm going to go crazy" grade thing and if I refuse, he's not likely to even miss a beat changing subjects, but it very definitely is him initiating sexual contact. He identifies as asexual, and my observation of his sexual behavior agrees. I don't know how it is "supposed" to be. He calls it being sex neutral and his wanting sex with me is more about intimacy than sex per se. Probably because he knows it holds meaning for me, and he does enjoy it on occasion.

 

He definitely enjoys the closeness and is capable of having a climax and enjoying it - though he is unlikely to chase sex for the pleasure it brings. More like enjoys sometimes it if it happens, but not particularly interested in making it happen. If he initiates, it is more likely to be because of the ambience playing some tape in his head (as opposed to being hot for me), or because he wants to really treasure me and make me feel special.

 

I know what I am saying probably comes off as contradictory, but it is what it is. I'm sharing the various things he said in trying to explain almost verbatim.

 

It is true he doesn't want as much sex as I do, but I think if we have sex maybe once a week or less and most of our sexual interaction leaves his penis alone, because he prefers it like that, AND he identifies as asexual, then maybe he is asexual?

Link to post
Share on other sites
5 hours ago, Sally said:

Ananmikanon, you talk about your partner sometimes being "in the mood".   If you mean in the mood for sex, it's unlikely he's an asexual.  We really don't get in the mood.  Perhaps he just doesn't  want as much sex as you do.

Previous response is based on spoken conversations with him. This is me purely guessing based on my observations.

 

It is possible (even likely) that he may not be in the mood for sex as in horny for me. But the situation is romantic enough or he is feeling stress free enough to want to be very close to me, and he knows I like sex and thus wants to do it.... or something. All I can say from observable behavior is that he does initiate sex and when he initiates sex, we are far more likely to proceed to actually having PIV sex (though not always) than if I do (which often results in him saying he's not in the mood and nothing happening, or me masturbating with him not involved or him stimulating me with his bands, but me not touching him sexually).

 

It may be his way of meeting me halfway - to offer sex when he isn't feeling too averse? Or perhaps when he thinks he may enjoy it too? He does enjoy sex as long as it happens on his terms.

Link to post
Share on other sites

He does seem to be a little bit sexual, from what you've said. More like a very mild grey maybe. But if it works, it works.

 

A far more common experience seems to be that when sexual partners back off, asexuals feel relieved and no sex happens at all. If they keep sex on the table as something they need to be happy in the relationship (or even if they don't, but the asexual still knows it's their, just unspoken), the asexual still feels the implicit pressure however gracefully its done, and ... no sex happens.

Link to post
Share on other sites
2 hours ago, Telecaster68 said:

He does seem to be a little bit sexual, from what you've said. More like a very mild grey maybe. But if it works, it works.

 

A far more common experience seems to be that when sexual partners back off, asexuals feel relieved and no sex happens at all. If they keep sex on the table as something they need to be happy in the relationship (or even if they don't, but the asexual still knows it's their, just unspoken), the asexual still feels the implicit pressure however gracefully its done, and ... no sex happens.

He has a sex drive, but doesn't feel sexual attraction for me. Early on in our relationship, sex was quite rare if left to him and usually happened when I got fed up of leaving it to him. His sex drive is more in his mind, so to say. More like feeling an urge to masturbate than an urge to grab me. But with time, he's learned to sort of use these moments as sexual between us. So it is usually more about him being horny - which can be for any reason ranging from "been too long" to something going on in his head with fantasy type triggers which are also very "situational" rather than about a person. He sort of includes me in that and the end result is a sexual experience for both of us on our own levels. To the best of my knowledge, he hasn't felt horny for me other than early on in the relationship, which again was situational/fantasy - curiosity about sex, excitement about having a sexual partner, or a romantic situation between us that was novel to him (since I was his first sexual partner), etc. Even then it wasn't very frequent.

 

Best way to describe it is that he sort of includes me in his masturbation or uses sex with me to masturbate - though that is a very crude way of putting it. He is perfectly capable of getting distracted by a stray thought and losing his sexual mood altogether bang in the middle of hot and heavy sex (for me). He is capable of enjoying sex, but the promise of sex is unlikely to get him in the mood. Only something going on in his mind will do it. He is more likely to get off on sexting with me than me seducing him. And so on. Seducing him will work if I capture his imagination in some way, or I stimulate him when he is already feeling very relaxed and perhaps somewhat horny. Otherwise I could do all I wanted and while he won't object unless he finds it unpleasant, it won't arouse either.

 

Needless to say, I've got somewhat expert at keeping an eye on when he last climaxed, and have learned to read his receptivity for sex very well. If it has been a while and he's somewhat relaxed, getting his imagination with some sexual "trigger" will work to get him thinking of sex - it still won't be "horny for her", but we sort of adjust around that.

 

It is a lot harder than I'm making it sound for me to be able to get him in the mood. Usually fails. Sometimes he'll see my tries for what they are - me being horny and get me off without wanting sexual contact with his body.

 

So I suppose he is sexual, but it is his own thing, which he is somehow sharing with me, because well... I'm his partner and I do like sex and giving me pleasure is something he does want. This is not natural or effortless for him. He does it to bring me pleasure and he does enjoy the sexual intimacy too on an emotional level.

 

Not even sure if that made sense.

Link to post
Share on other sites

It made a lot of sense. My wife has said the same thing about basically using me for masturbation, and from what I can gather, the fact that I got something out of it was a happy coincidence. Now post menopause and with a chronic illness, she has no libido and she's not interested for her own benefit, and not for mine either.

Link to post
Share on other sites
1 hour ago, Telecaster68 said:

It made a lot of sense. My wife has said the same thing about basically using me for masturbation, and from what I can gather, the fact that I got something out of it was a happy coincidence. Now post menopause and with a chronic illness, she has no libido and she's not interested for her own benefit, and not for mine either.

This must be very hard.

 

For us, even if he isn't interested in sex, he's able to see it as an extension of intimacy to get me off. So, on my end, it is still a sexual experience between us. As in, even when he has no libido, he is interested in me finding sexual satisfaction. Without that, it would be very hard for me to cope - not so much a lack of climax - I can go solo, but the feeling that he simply didn't care that I desired them with him. While he doesnt' always do it, he does it often enough and very proactively and joyfully for it to be a matter of mood (to indulge my desire) rather than a default of refusal. On my end, it feels like a mutual sexual experience, even if he hasn't climaxed.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Just now, anamikanon said:

Without that, it would be very hard for me to cope - not so much a lack of climax - I can go solo, but the feeling that he simply didn't care that I desired them with him.

Yes, that's the hardest bit - my distress about it (which she knows about) isn't sufficient for her to want to pay more than lip service to it.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • 2 weeks later...
On 2/25/2018 at 8:11 AM, anamikanon said:

Well, he does want sex at times. He does initiate sex. I assume this means he is in the mood for sex. After your comment, I discussed this with him, and he says sex is more situational than interpersonal attraction for him. Like if the ambience is what he thinks of as romantic, for example. Less about seeing me and being hot for sex as a result. It is hard for me to convey this exactly, because I don't quite feel desire/attraction as he does, but I have definitely experienced him wanting sex. For whatever reason.

 

It is never a "I need sex or I'm going to go crazy" grade thing and if I refuse, he's not likely to even miss a beat changing subjects, but it very definitely is him initiating sexual contact. He identifies as asexual, and my observation of his sexual behavior agrees. I don't know how it is "supposed" to be. He calls it being sex neutral and his wanting sex with me is more about intimacy than sex per se. Probably because he knows it holds meaning for me, and he does enjoy it on occasion.

 

He definitely enjoys the closeness and is capable of having a climax and enjoying it - though he is unlikely to chase sex for the pleasure it brings. More like enjoys sometimes it if it happens, but not particularly interested in making it happen. If he initiates, it is more likely to be because of the ambience playing some tape in his head (as opposed to being hot for me), or because he wants to really treasure me and make me feel special.

 

I know what I am saying probably comes off as contradictory, but it is what it is. I'm sharing the various things he said in trying to explain almost verbatim.

 

It is true he doesn't want as much sex as I do, but I think if we have sex maybe once a week or less and most of our sexual interaction leaves his penis alone, because he prefers it like that, AND he identifies as asexual, then maybe he is asexual?

Not that the label matters but he sounds gray asexual to me!

Link to post
Share on other sites
On 2/25/2018 at 11:17 AM, anamikanon said:

He has a sex drive, but doesn't feel sexual attraction for me. Early on in our relationship, sex was quite rare if left to him and usually happened when I got fed up of leaving it to him. His sex drive is more in his mind, so to say. More like feeling an urge to masturbate than an urge to grab me. But with time, he's learned to sort of use these moments as sexual between us. So it is usually more about him being horny - which can be for any reason ranging from "been too long" to something going on in his head with fantasy type triggers which are also very "situational" rather than about a person. He sort of includes me in that and the end result is a sexual experience for both of us on our own levels. To the best of my knowledge, he hasn't felt horny for me other than early on in the relationship, which again was situational/fantasy - curiosity about sex, excitement about having a sexual partner, or a romantic situation between us that was novel to him (since I was his first sexual partner), etc. Even then it wasn't very frequent.

 

Best way to describe it is that he sort of includes me in his masturbation or uses sex with me to masturbate - though that is a very crude way of putting it. He is perfectly capable of getting distracted by a stray thought and losing his sexual mood altogether bang in the middle of hot and heavy sex (for me). He is capable of enjoying sex, but the promise of sex is unlikely to get him in the mood. Only something going on in his mind will do it. He is more likely to get off on sexting with me than me seducing him. And so on. Seducing him will work if I capture his imagination in some way, or I stimulate him when he is already feeling very relaxed and perhaps somewhat horny. Otherwise I could do all I wanted and while he won't object unless he finds it unpleasant, it won't arouse either.

 

Needless to say, I've got somewhat expert at keeping an eye on when he last climaxed, and have learned to read his receptivity for sex very well. If it has been a while and he's somewhat relaxed, getting his imagination with some sexual "trigger" will work to get him thinking of sex - it still won't be "horny for her", but we sort of adjust around that.

 

It is a lot harder than I'm making it sound for me to be able to get him in the mood. Usually fails. Sometimes he'll see my tries for what they are - me being horny and get me off without wanting sexual contact with his body.

 

So I suppose he is sexual, but it is his own thing, which he is somehow sharing with me, because well... I'm his partner and I do like sex and giving me pleasure is something he does want. This is not natural or effortless for him. He does it to bring me pleasure and he does enjoy the sexual intimacy too on an emotional level.

 

Not even sure if that made sense.

This all makes perfect sense to me and is very articulate which makes me think you've had very clear and deep honest conversations with him. I also understand how this might not make sense to most people though too because I feel it falls very much in the gray area and is neither fully asexual or sexual.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...