Does this sound like a demisexual?

[lemon_lime]

I've been reading lots of other peoples stories on here and seeing the responses. They have been helpful in making me feel like I can be comfortable with who I am even though I don't have all the answers yet. But when I first learned the term demisexual it resonated with me immediately. I feel more confident now than I did before and it helped me understand some interactions I have with friends better. But I still doubt. And although I know I am the only who can say what my orientation is, I would still love to hear from you, with anything you have so say. Whether it be your thoughts on my experiences, your own experiences, or just words of encouragement. 

 

First of all, I am 33, and have been with the same man for the past 15 years. I am happily married. But I only have the one experience to draw from so sometimes its hard for me to see things clearly. My husband and I were best friend in high school. He was and still is the best friend I have ever had. We were friends for years before one day something just clicked in my mind and it turned into romantic attraction. But I still did not want to have sex with him. The idea of sex absolutely repulsed me and still does in some ways. We dated for years before the idea of sex no longer bothered me. But only specifically with him. And it was still not something I craved. Thankfully my husband was the most understanding and patient person I could ask for and never pressured me for sex. We dated for about 7 years before we got married. I was still a virgin at this point, we only ever kissed. It didn't occur to me that my lack of interest in sex would be a problem once married. I think that is because I was raised as a strict christian and the idea that men crave sex more than women was instilled in me, and that its a woman's job to serve her husband with sex even if they're not in the mood. Which is of course completely wrong! But I don't think I even realized that was what I was thinking. I have only ever been sexually attracted to my husband in my whole life so it never occurred to me that I could be anything but straight. I'm not sure if the fact that I did have intense crushes on friends before my husband is relevant or not. Possibly including one girl, but because there was no sexual attraction attached to it I didn't recognize it for what it was. But I think that is a separate issue. 

 

I'm not sure what I expected to happen once the wedding night came, but whatever it was, it didn't happen. I backed out. I don't think I was necessarily repulsed, but I was extremely uncomfortable and terrified. Again my husband was like, its ok, we'll take it slow. Unlike my romantic attraction for him which just showed up one day, the sexual attraction was a very slow process. So we eased into it and didn't have any form of sex for 1.5 years after we were married. We've been married almost 8 years now and although I feel like we have a normal sex life now, trying new things is still hard. 

 

I am also completely repulsed and confused by the idea of casual sex that it makes me almost sick, and I hate seeing sex on TV and in movies. Although I still have a libido and masturbate regularly, I would be ok with never having sex again. I don't feel like I need another person sexually to be satisfied. But I still enjoy sex with my husband.

 

So I think thats my whole story. I am not sure if I am forgetting anything that would be helpful.  Thanks for any insight!

[roland.o]

Hello @lemon_lime, welcome to the AVEN forums! Have some cake...

 

5 minutes ago, lemon_lime said:

And it was still not something I craved.

 

5 minutes ago, lemon_lime said:

I have only ever been sexually attracted to my husband

I'm not quite clear whether your feel sexual attraction, or whether you're just comfortable enough with your husband to go along with it. In the first case, I'd say demisexual sounds like a good label. In the second case, you might still be demisexual (as per my understanding of the label), or somewhere else in the gray area. Maybe even ace.

 

8 minutes ago, lemon_lime said:

I would be ok with never having sex again. I don't feel like I need another person sexually to be satisfied. But I still enjoy sex with my husband.

Here you sound like a sex-positive ace to me.

 

I hope that helps in some way.

[lemon_lime]

It does. Thank you for your opinion! Something to think on. It would take some thought to figure out whether or not I am actually sexual attracted to my husband. But I do know that although biology makes sure I enjoy sex, its the emotional closeness that it can offer that I prefer.