Not sure WHERE I belong

[ladywacko]

So.....here I am. 35 years old, twice married, and confronting my sexuality— or lack thereof, really. I’ve had a lot of sex. I decided early on that sex was the price I’d have to pay for acceptance, so I learned to spread my legs and lift my hips. I learned to make my desperation for it to just END look like a more appealing kind of desperation. As a long term strategy it had its flaws. Anyway. I could get bogged down in backstory all day if I let myself, but then this post would go on forever. 

 

My identity crisis caught fire when I made friends with a woman who is openly and proudly ace. To try and better understand my new friend, I went to google and typed in “what is asexuality?” The results confused and annoyed me. Someone who doesn’t experience sexual attraction?? What does that even mean??? But it bothered me that I didn’t know. So I started asking people—my friends, my husband, my sister, a private Facebook group that I’m a part of: what in the blue hell does ‘sexual attraction’ mean? Everyone gave me the same answer: first a blank stare, then a variation on “well, it’s like when you see someone and you want to have sex with them.” This answer bothered me for two reasons: first of all, ew, and second of all, like....not only did everyone have an answer, but they all seemed to UNDERSTAND it. Whereas it made no sense to me—like, just looking at someone or thinking about someone makes you want to have sex with them? Why??

 

So that’s where I am. I’m 35, on my second husband, I have two kids, and I’m realizing that there’s this single X factor that makes my entire narrative make sense. I have never been sexually attracted to anyone. I’m capable of meaningless casual sex because I don’t value it at all. My reasons for engaging in sex have always been about security and power and control. 

 

Because I've lived as heterosexual for so long, I don’t see the point of “coming out,” but it feels necessary. It feels like Truth screaming inside of me and I don’t know if I can keep it quiet. I doubt people will believe me. I doubt that the LGBTQIA community would accept me because I’ve lived as heterosexual for so long. But I feel like an alien around my friends who have a strong sense of their sexuality. 

 

Anyway. This got long. But it felt good to write.

[the_rebecca]

Only in the past months have I id'd as ace, and it's like a realization that makes everything make sense. It's so great. And I told my sister (who is gay), and she was wholly and immediately accepting. By and large, the LGBTQIA+ community is VERY accepting and understanding. If I can help allay that fear: I accept you! The AVEN community accepts you! Welcome! 

 

You're in the right place, and you're in good company!

[Lichley]

Welcome! We’ll accept you no matter what. There are plenty of people on here who have had sex for whatever reason. Some enjoy the feeling, even if they lack the attraction, some for their partners sakes, and some for trial to attempt to get a reaction from themselves. It’s okay. It doesn’t make you any less valid.  

[AnneAce]

Welcome to AVEN . Your pervious and current actions don’t determine the truth of your orientation. There are pleanty of people who are homosexual and have had sex with the opposite sex and there are some people who are heterosexual who’ve has sex with the same sex, but that doesn’t make them any less heterosexual or homosexual. While people have always been asexual the term and information hasn’t been that acessable until the early 2000’s. It’s understandable that you only found the term recently and no one can blame you for that. A lot of ace’s think that they are heterosexual or homosexual before they find the term asexual and no one can fault them for that. If anyone in the LGBT+ community doesn’t accept you that’s their problem and there will always be hundreds of more people that do accept you. 

Coming out is a process different for everyone. You don’t have to come out if you don’t want to. That doesn’t take away from your identity. If you want to come out, but you don’t want to tell the world you don’t have to. You can only come out to the people you want to come out to. I’ve only come out as Ace to my friends and a few family memembers and I don’t feel like anyone else needs to know. Other people come out to everyone they know and everyone they meet. 

Whatever you do and how you do it, you have support here. Good luck! 

[Lia]

Hello there, and welcome to AVEN! 

As part of my welcome to you, I'd like to point out some important threads that might be helpful in your first few days here.  The Terms of Service is here. We recommend you read it over, and if you have any questions please don't hesitate to send either myself or any other administrator or moderator (the "admod" team, as we're called) a message.  Also, there's a handy forum called Site Info, which has some useful information including a thread outlining who moderates which forum. If you ever need something done in or have questions about a specific forum, please message the mod of that forum. And if you have problems with the site in general, or any single member, please message any admod. 

The following are also nifty links to take a look at:  Welcome Lounge Mini Manual | Welcoming 101 | Quick Guide to the Forums | Asexuality FAQ's

 Again, welcome to AVEN and I hope your stay is everything you hoped!

[ladywacko]

Thank you all for the warm welcome. 

 

I realized after posting that it’s really unfair and judgy of me to believe that I know how the LBGTQIA community will receive me. I’m projecting my own insecurity onto the people around me and that isn’t fair. 

[RainbowSpinster]

.

[Vicky Angel]

Welcome 

[Guest]

Hello and welcome!