WhenSummersGone Posted February 24, 2018 Share Posted February 24, 2018 Hey guys! I haven't posted on here in a long time but I decided to come back just to get this off my chest. I notice with my time away and even on here in the past that Demisexuality hasn't been taken seriously, and ya that bothers me. I've heard from many people that it's just a choice or there's too many labels already. Has anyone else noticed/seen this with Demisexuality? To me it is not a choice. I don't choose when I feel sexual desire and there's nothing to act on. I would like to see more awareness and education on this because I feel some people just don't understand. Any comments on this or anyone who relates to this I would appreciate! Link to post Share on other sites
Tasha the demi squirrel Posted February 24, 2018 Share Posted February 24, 2018 I've not had the "it's a choice" comment as of yet but I've had others that are just as annoying Link to post Share on other sites
Gldlynch Posted February 24, 2018 Share Posted February 24, 2018 Hey I can understand when people think being "demisexual" is choice, because being demi means sexual attraction only develops once a deep emotional bond has been made - i.e. it sounds very similar to waiting in a relationship and perhaps having sex after the first few months. What people fail to recognise is that it's not a "choice," it's truly how some people are wired. Taking part in sex is a choice for everyone but usually sexual people have sexual attraction built into their systems, for demi people it's clearly a much more complicated journey. Link to post Share on other sites
Atypicalmuse Posted February 24, 2018 Share Posted February 24, 2018 This happened years ago, before I knew anything about asexuality or that demi was a thing, but I was talking with a friend about how my physical attraction to my partner at the time grew the more I learned about him and the more I liked his personality, and the response was “it doesn’t work that way.” It was kind of a “huh?” moment, but I now have a word for, and feel validated that it in fact does legitimately work that way for me. Link to post Share on other sites
roland.o Posted February 24, 2018 Share Posted February 24, 2018 Last time I was in the forums of demisexuality.org, someone had posted a "you don't have a real problem" message to demisexuals in general. My reply to that was my last post on that forum. (not that this person drove me off, but they certainly didn't entice me to return either) There are all kinds of people who ignore all kinds of real problems. Can you believe that some people think global warming isn't real? Yes, there are people who don't understand demisexuality. And some never will, because they don't want to. And many more haven't even heard of it. My advice is: pick your fights well. You can waste a lot of effort and life energy on educating people who don't want to understand. Link to post Share on other sites
Tasha the demi squirrel Posted February 24, 2018 Share Posted February 24, 2018 I didn't even know there were other forums as well as aven Link to post Share on other sites
roland.o Posted February 24, 2018 Share Posted February 24, 2018 http://demisexuality.freeforums.net/threads/recent/ It's a low-volume forum. Within a few months, I had the highest post count, mostly by writing welcome messages to newcomers. Nevertheless, it helped me during my questioning phase. Link to post Share on other sites
Tasha the demi squirrel Posted February 24, 2018 Share Posted February 24, 2018 I looked it up from your previous post and registered but when I had a quick look it seems those of us who use a phone can't personalise the profile page and discussion topics don't seem as varied as on here Link to post Share on other sites
Dia Nicole Posted February 25, 2018 Share Posted February 25, 2018 I have noticed it too. The best was when I was in a class where we were discussing our sexuality and I talked about being demisexual and what that meant. One of the guys in my class was like, "So does that mean everyone who waits in a relationship is demisexual? Why would you need to label that? You people have too many labels in that community." Link to post Share on other sites
WhenSummersGone Posted February 25, 2018 Author Share Posted February 25, 2018 Thanks for these replies! I'm glad others have experienced this too although it sucks. From the outside it seems like a choice but it's definitely not to us. I think I let the comments get to me sometimes since Demisexual fits me. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Deus Ex Infinity Posted February 25, 2018 Share Posted February 25, 2018 On 24.2.2018 at 12:24 PM, WhenSummersGone said: I notice with my time away and even on here in the past that Demisexuality hasn't been taken seriously, and ya that bothers me. To me it is not a choice. I don't choose when I feel sexual desire and there's nothing to act on. I would like to see more awareness and education on this because I feel some people just don't understand. Any comments on this or anyone who relates to this I would appreciate! I totally agree with you but I can't think of any useful advise on how to actually raise awareness of Demisexuality in public since it's a very rare complex issue. I was thinking about it too but it's really hard to come up with projects or new concepts when there are so less same-minded people around you. I was so happy to meet another demisexual member here some months ago. It changed everything. Anyway, wearing pride accessories might be one way to gain attention. I was being asked to explain Demisexuality to other people when wearing one of my shirts, buttons or bracelets in the past and it worked out quite well for the most part. I think it's important to step out of the sadows to set up some life signs once in a while. GLBTQA+ events are pretty nice too, even if the ace spectrum is still pretty small there. Link to post Share on other sites
Tasha the demi squirrel Posted February 25, 2018 Share Posted February 25, 2018 2 minutes ago, Deus Ex Infinity said: wearing pride accessories might be one way I wear an ace ring which has the demisexual pride flag on (in a heart-shaped design) and so far no one has really asked about it but when I wear the top and hoodie I recently bought online they possibly might Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Deus Ex Infinity Posted February 25, 2018 Share Posted February 25, 2018 On 25.2.2018 at 2:41 PM, Tasha27 said: I wear an ace ring which has the demisexual pride flag on (in a heart-shaped design) and so far no one has really asked about it but when I wear the top and hoodie I recently bought online they possibly might Yes, probably. Rings usually don't get that much attention. Link to post Share on other sites
Tasha the demi squirrel Posted February 25, 2018 Share Posted February 25, 2018 8 minutes ago, Deus Ex Infinity said: Yes, probably. Rings usually don't get that much attention in public. I've had compliments on my ring (to which I usually respond with thanks) but no one has asked about it Link to post Share on other sites
njosnavelin Posted February 25, 2018 Share Posted February 25, 2018 In general neither is asexuality. I think once we split into smaller sub-groups within the spectrum it doesn’t become a cohesive voice. This adds a level of frustration for an outsider. I never feel like the world should bend to me and my preference.I don’t feel the obligation is strictly be left to the education and awareness. I am not interested if people understand my level of demisexual. It is nice to have an affirmation of others out there and that is it. My classification of (a)sexuality is for me and (whoever) my partner. Not the world. I am unique (demisexual speaking) let me stay that way. Link to post Share on other sites
Entropic Posted February 25, 2018 Share Posted February 25, 2018 Totally get the whole "too many labels, you're not feeling anything special" and even when you do try to explain how it differs, people tend to say that "they are the same way". Except I'm pretty sure they aren't. Just because they don't feel sexual attraction to every individual they meet and sometimes they do need some personal chemistry before they experience primary attraction, it doesn't mean they don't experience primary at all without any emotions being involved first. It becomes the most obvious when they talk about what they find attractive with other individuals e.g. long hair, beards, legs and so on. To edit and add on my previous point, sexuality is of course a spectrum, but people do tend to fall at different positions on that spectrum more so than they fall all over the place. Link to post Share on other sites
Tasha the demi squirrel Posted February 25, 2018 Share Posted February 25, 2018 5 minutes ago, njosnavelin said: My classification of (a)sexuality is for me and (whoever) my partner. Not the world. I am unique (demisexual speaking) let me stay that way. I agree which is why I haven't come out to many people however if I do start getting questions then I will be open to explaining because it would be nice to feel understood Link to post Share on other sites
Marlow1 Posted February 26, 2018 Share Posted February 26, 2018 On 24 February 2018 at 11:24 AM, WhenSummersGone said: Hey guys! I haven't posted on here in a long time but I decided to come back just to get this off my chest. I notice with my time away and even on here in the past that Demisexuality hasn't been taken seriously, and ya that bothers me. I've heard from many people that it's just a choice or there's too many labels already. Has anyone else noticed/seen this with Demisexuality? To me it is not a choice. I don't choose when I feel sexual desire and there's nothing to act on. I would like to see more awareness and education on this because I feel some people just don't understand. Any comments on this or anyone who relates to this I would appreciate! In the past before I new I was Demisexual I was Asexual. I am in a relationship now and I am sexually attracted to my partner only. If we separate I will be sexually attracted to nobody again. This is why I am not simply a sexual person. A sexual person is not going to describe themselves in this way My Demisexuality is not a choice. It is at least in part due to my Aphantasia. I cannot simply imagine who I might be attracted to, I cannot project such thoughts on to people and even when in a situation with so called attractive people my mind does not muster up sexual attraction thoughts or feelings for folk. The only time that I can feel sexual attraction is when I have a close bond with a person, and as stated by other Demisexual people this is not guaranteed. Knowing that my brain is wired up differently and me knowing that this condition enables me to think in alternative ways has helped me understand, at least in part, why I can only become sexually attracted in certain circumstances https://www.vice.com/en_uk/article/kwkway/what-its-like-to-instantly-forget-what-friends-and-lovers-looks-like Link to post Share on other sites
Vincisomething Posted February 28, 2018 Share Posted February 28, 2018 The first """friend"""" I came out to pretty much invalidated me by saying, "everyone is like that." Pissed me off. Year of 2018, not putting up with people like that (although I haven't told her she's not in my friend group, I just stopped talking to her lmao). And then another said demisexuals couldn't be part of the asexual community because they still had the ability to "feel sexual attraction," which is literally the same logic as, "bisexual people are straight because they have the ability to be attracted to a different gender." Dumbest thing I heard. And a lot of people are ace exclusionists, so it's no surprise they're demi exclusionists, too. But it's like, WE. LITERALLY. CANNOT. FEEL. SEXUAL. ATTRACTION. WE. DON'T. MAKE. THAT. CHOICE. "Normal" people feel sexual attraction at the drop of a dime, most of us don't have that ability. How is that "heterosexual" Link to post Share on other sites
WhenSummersGone Posted February 28, 2018 Author Share Posted February 28, 2018 On February 25, 2018 at 7:28 AM, njosnavelin said: In general neither is asexuality. I think once we split into smaller sub-groups within the spectrum it doesn’t become a cohesive voice. This adds a level of frustration for an outsider. I never feel like the world should bend to me and my preference.I don’t feel the obligation is strictly be left to the education and awareness. I am not interested if people understand my level of demisexual. It is nice to have an affirmation of others out there and that is it. My classification of (a)sexuality is for me and (whoever) my partner. Not the world. I am unique (demisexual speaking) let me stay that way. I can understand that if you feel that way. I personally just don't want my experience to feel like it's "a choice" or even ignored. I'm biologically female and some guys see it as a personal challenge rather than something real and valid. Thanks for the other replies here! I don't have Demisexual stuff but I'll think about getting some! Link to post Share on other sites
Tasha the demi squirrel Posted February 28, 2018 Share Posted February 28, 2018 1 minute ago, WhenSummersGone said: some guys see it as a personal challenge Those who see it as a personal challenge or try to pressure you into anything you don't want to do aren't worth your time Link to post Share on other sites
Vincisomething Posted March 1, 2018 Share Posted March 1, 2018 17 hours ago, Tasha27 said: Those who see it as a personal challenge or try to pressure you into anything you don't want to do aren't worth your time Exactly. If they don't care to learn or understand or I have to convince them of my sexuality, they're already wasting my time. When I came out to a good friend of mine, she said, "I don't know what that means, but I'd love to learn more about it" and accepted it very well when I told her more about it. I've become tired of people that have to be "convinced" because they're not trying to listen to you. They just want to tell you how you don't belong. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted March 1, 2018 Share Posted March 1, 2018 I've never heard that. Most people are well aware that it's totally normal for someone to only be interested in sex once they've developed a romantic/emotional bond with someone. Sounds like the person/people you were talking to have very little sexual experience in the real world!! Link to post Share on other sites
Vincisomething Posted March 2, 2018 Share Posted March 2, 2018 20 hours ago, FictoVore. said: I've never heard that. Most people are well aware that it's totally normal for someone to only be interested in sex once they've developed a romantic/emotional bond with someone. Sounds like the person/people you were talking to have very little sexual experience in the real world!! Lol where are the people you hang out with. Can I replace the aphobes I met with them? Link to post Share on other sites
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