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My Gender?


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EnterCreativeName

So my gender is something I've been questioning off and on for a while now. I can't seem to find a perfect label, and if I never do find one, then that is okay. But, with all of these thoughts, I decided to share them and see what others might think.

 

To start off, I am biologically female, and for the most part I'm okay with it. She/her pronouns don't bother me in any way, and being read as a girl doesn't upset me. Despite this, I've noticed certain feelings about myself. It's odd really. Though I am perfectly fine being female, I've found that I almost enjoy presenting as male? My hair has gotten progressive shorter each year, and now it's at the point where it's shaved at the sides. (The length of my hair was a big deal to me for a while. I didn't like it long, but I didn't want to cut it completely off.) And most of my jeans are from the boy's section by now, and so are my jackets. I've had a couple instances with strangers who assume that I was male, and apologize repeatedly when they realize that I am not. But I don't mind being called he/him, or they/them really.

 

Dresses and make up, feminine things aren't really for me either. The only time I wear dresses or heals or make up are for formal events, when I am expected to and I'd rather not be questioned by family or friends. And for the night, I can put up with it. But it cannot be an every day thing. For work, it gets annoying simply to wear low cut shirts or V necks, because that's how a lot of women's clothes seem to be. (If I wanted to, I could wear boys clothes at work, but I'd rather not to avoid uncomfortable questions or confusion...) There was a point when I realized for two or three weeks, I'd only been wearing my clothes from the women section. On my next day off, I chose to wear all boys clothes. This consisted of a tight sports bra, one of my brother's old shirts that I now own, boys pants from Old Navy, and a small men's hoodie. And honestly, it felt like a relief.

 

There are times where I can catch myself in the mirror and smile. I like my short hair, and my glasses, and my ear piercing. But there are other times too, where I just don't like certain aspects of myself. During these times, it's when I'm walking past a window of a store and see my reflection, or when I'm sitting in class. I do bind using a sports bra occasionally, and I have been told that it is noticeable when I do. (I already have a pretty small chest so it isn't that hard for me.) There are some days too, where I will chose not to bind. I really don't think about it much, I just wear whatever I grab first. But it isn't my chest that bothers me the most when it comes to my body. I've realized in the past couple weeks that it is more my hips and thighs that get to me. I've never been self-conscious about my weight or how my body looks, so it kind of struck me when I realized that I don't like how my hips and thighs looked. I only realized too, because I was wearing skinny jeans the other day, and that is something I rarely do. Like I've said before, I enjoy more boy style pants, and I think the cut seems to hide some of the shape that I have, and I didn't really think about it until just the other day.

 

But it's hard to say that I identify with being male, because I don't. At the same time though, I feel like I only identify with female because that's how it has always been. It's easy, it fits my name, and I don't get asked any questions. I would be fine with being called she, and I would be fine with being called he. There's nothing I feel a real connection with. Because of this, I have researched it a little on my own. The closest terms I could really come up with were "cis genderless" and "greygender". I've considered agender, but it doesn't feel right.

 

Like I said, I'm fine with not having a perfect label. If I end up just identifying with cis after all this, that's okay. I'm just here to share my thoughts, and see if there is some identity that I may have missed. 

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Forgotten Fox

Gender is such a finicky thing and finding a label to match it can be really tough from my experience. Not to mention gender expression can also differ from gender identity so that adds on to the cluster.

 

Your experience reminds though of someone who is androgynous if I were to pick a name. Whether cis or not an androgynous person dresses/acts in a way the can let them be perceived as both male and female so they don't mind being referred to as either. However as androgyny is more of gender expression then identity a person with that style can still identify as one gender whether that be their biological or another.

 

Of course that's just my opinion, really the only who truly knows your gender is yourself. Whichever label you choose in the end(Or no label at all!) that's up you. Hopefully this helps you out :)

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Just to add on, while androgyny is an expression androgyne is the equivalent gender identity. 

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Maybe gender non-conforming or gender indifferent. 

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