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Someone has a crush on me. I am angry. Is this normal?


an_orange

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Hi. I identify as gray-ace, hetero, and for me romance is only OK if it's serious business and all about real love for a whole person who I know quite well. Surface romance is all lies and hormones. Please give opinions on whether my reaction to my current circumstance is normal or unhealthy or both:

 

So there's this guy who has had a crush on me for about two months. At first I assumed his friendliness was just that—friendliness. Since, he's asked me out three times. The first time I made an excuse. The second time I turned him down in an indirect way. The third time—today—I had to blatantly tell him I wasn't interested. This infuriated me. How dare he not understand hints?? How dare he not see that my quitting replying to his texts meant I'd figured out he liked me and wanted to distance myself?? I do not understand this. It seems sick and delusional. He's also interested in multiple other girls at the same time, which I find gross because it's shallow. Honestly, though, I think this guy is considered normal in the allosexual realm.

 

Some people find this kind of attention flattering, but I find it nauseating, stressful, and horrible. Having to reject someone makes me so angry. Because I am like this, I am terrified that when I like guys, they see me the way I see people with unwanted crushes on me. This in itself feeds my resentment, because it blocks me from being able to express any kind of genuine romantic feelings I have—even to feel ashamed at times that I have developed them.

 

I cannot return what this man wants from me, for which there is no actual reason besides that I'm not interested, and I am angry at him for expecting anything and thinking we could have something special. This has happened my whole life, with the earliest instance I remember being kindergarten. I have never been sexually harassed or abused so that isn't why. Anyone have experience with this?

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For me I get annoyed when people tell me theyve fallen for me or love me when they dont know me, because its like what exactly do you "love" about me when you dont even know me? All you know is what you can see around and what you might hear in passing. That annoys me, same as when people state that they know you and its like DO YOU? So in that instance I understand. Its also infuriating to read that some body is hitting on you but not only you its just twisted but then at the same time he could be one of those people who can like or love multiple people but that would still sit right with me, but i cant share. Anyway I think its normal from my point of view for the situation your in, but im sure someone else will be able to give you better advice with closer experiences than i do.

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My advice is always being straightforward and blunt. Not everyone can take a hint and it can be difficult for some people to get since it's not really clear what people could intend. Being straightforward can help clear up and prevent any misunderstandings.

 

As for him having crushes on more than one person, some people do. Can't speak from experience, but from what I've come to understand based on other people is that people can crush on more than one person and some crushes may be more "intense" than others. Some people have small crushes and they may not act on them because "it's not that big of a deal". Also, some people are polyamorous. So he may be polyamorous, or a fuckboi, or both.

 

The way that you feel isn't wrong and the way that he feels isn't wrong either. Nobody can help what they feel. People can't help having a crush while also people can't help just simply not being interested. Though it does cross a line when someone would keep pursuing someone when they made it extremely clear that it's not wanted. That's when it becomes harassment.

 

When I was younger in school and someone would confess (or one of their friends would tell me that so and so likes me), I'd just say "okay" and keep going on with whatever I'm doing. It was kind of like "good to know, I guess?" Nowadays, I'd just low-key feel bad for someone if they tell me they have a crush on me because being asexual and all can definitely make it difficult. 

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I just want to say Skyworld, that I had that exact reaction in high school. A friend would tell me that so and so likes me, or thinks I'm hot, and I would say "okay" and move on. My friend would ask "don't you want to know who it is?" to which I would reply, no. My friends response was "I have never met a girl who didn't want to know who liked her." He couldn't understand it. Couldn't fathom how I had no interest in knowing who liked me. And trying to explain that your not interested in relationships/set to a bunch of hormone crazed teenagers it like trying to describe what color is to a blind man. It can be annoying and frustrating.

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Yeah, blunt, outright rejection is usually the best way.  If you leave any hope, they will often cling to it like a drowning sailor on a life preserver.  Also (and I blame romcoms for this) some people seem to think that dogged perseverance through all the rejection will win their love interes with a big, dramatic gesture in the third act, which doesn't usually work in real life.

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When I find out that people have a crush on me, my initial feeling is indifference. But if I've told them that I'm not interested and they still persist, that is when I start to get angry. So yeah, I'd say your reaction is pretty normal. Like others have said, you just have to be brutally honest so that he'll finally get it and stop clinging on to any hope he might have of winning you over or whatever it is he's trying to do.

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I see anyone attracted to me when I am not attracted to them as "clutter". Experience has taught me that such people tend to want attention I don't wish to give and generally make a nuisance of themselves trying to get it. They overestimate their ability to out-persist me into changing my mind and it is all a giant waste of time. Nothing I say will convince them to un-crush me or whatever it is. I am impatient and short tempered by nature. My instinctive response is "don't bug me" though to be polite (for me) I usually say "I'm ok with that as long as you don't expect me to do anything about it"

 

It goes downhill from there. Every time I have to respond to them, it will be less polite than previous. Because being unpleasant works to make them un-crush me.

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wonderflonium

I think it's understandable to grow frustrated when you're saying no and someone doesn't respect that.
People form crushes - we have no control over the emotions of other people, nor do they always have control over their attraction.

However, they ALWAYS have control over their actions, and he should respect your answer, even if it's not what he wanted to hear.

 

Hopefully this time the message got through to him.

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If I were sexual, I could definitely see myself missing easy hints. I do the same thing with flirting already. You shouldn't get mad at him for not realizing something, but I understand why you are. It's frustrating and you have every right to be mad, but you can't change this about him. It's probably best to just forgive and forget

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arobydesign

If he backs off now you've bluntly said no: great.

If he keeps at it: UGH. I (romantic orientation TBD, but I am sure many people feel the same regardless of romantic orientation) get annoyed when people do this to me. Romantic movies, books etc. have perpetuated the narrative that if a man is persistent, eventually the woman will "give in" and become his partner. It's pervasive and obnoxious, not to mention harmful to women.

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Guest Jetsun Milarepa

I get irate when someone gets a crush on me...I just wish they could control themselves!:lol:...mind you,thankfully I'm too old for any of that now.

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On 2/23/2018 at 11:17 PM, ecogirl92 said:

I just want to say Skyworld, that I had that exact reaction in high school. A friend would tell me that so and so likes me, or thinks I'm hot, and I would say "okay" and move on. My friend would ask "don't you want to know who it is?" to which I would reply, no. My friends response was "I have never met a girl who didn't want to know who liked her." He couldn't understand it. Couldn't fathom how I had no interest in knowing who liked me. And trying to explain that your not interested in relationships/set to a bunch of hormone crazed teenagers it like trying to describe what color is to a blind man. It can be annoying and frustrating.

Honestly, I want to know if someone has a crush on me so I can be aware. But if one of my friends tells me that they think that someone has a crush on me, I'm like "Nah, that would never happen." 

 

On 3/1/2018 at 10:42 AM, cluebat said:

If he backs off now you've bluntly said no: great.

If he keeps at it: UGH. I (romantic orientation TBD, but I am sure many people feel the same regardless of romantic orientation) get annoyed when people do this to me. Romantic movies, books etc. have perpetuated the narrative that if a man is persistent, eventually the woman will "give in" and become his partner. It's pervasive and obnoxious, not to mention harmful to women.

Please, like that would ever work. I would just end up either start cussing at him, insulting him, or causing him physical harm. (I never claimed to be an angel. Just an angel demon.)

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blueheroness

Yes! I am always irritated when I can even sense that someone has a crush on me. Even without them directly saying it I can tell by the little things they do or say that they are developing feelings and are trying to see if I am too. 

I am in that situation right now at work. I think this guy likes me and he was asking me some normal questions about family and life just to make conversation. But I KNOW that he was asking if i had kids because he is interested in me. And I was like "Nope. I like them. But I don't want any. I have a bunch of nieces and nephews and that's good enough for me."

I hope he got the point. I know that he mentioned he has a kid a few days ago. So i hope he can realize on his own that we would not be a good fit and just kills the crush. I really do. It would be unbearably awkward if he doesn't. So YES! I feel that same way. I hate being inconvenienced! And that is what it feels like. Like a hassle. 

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Oooooh where do I even start! I'm so thankful for this thread. Honestly, it made me feel so much better about the situation I'm in right now.

When someone tells me or I notice that they have a crush on me, I don't exactly feel angry at them, because I know it's not their decision either. But I do feel extremely frustrated and helpless. I tend to lose myself in all my feelings because I'm very sure of what I want but don't know how to communicate that without causing the other person pain or embarrassment in any way. In the past, unfortunately, I have found that not even downright rejecting somebody with a clear "No!" (which already made me feel like such a heartless asshole :/ ) resolved the situation. I had to in some way or another completely break off contact with that person to make it stop, which is hard because often times I really do like them as friends. I even feel like such an asshole typing this, but I realise I need to learn how to put myself first more often, I guess? If anyone has any tips on that, I would greatly appreciate them!

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It's tough when someone doesn't respond maturely to our assertions that we are not interested in "anything more." It creates tension and stress, and yes, when people push me I eventually feel angry too. Unfortunately, stepping back and NOT responding and being consistent is the only thing you can do. As hard as it is - try to realize that the world is full of pushy people who likely do take a hint but feel that if they keep pushing...they'll get their way. And this isn't your issue, it's their own. Meditate, get a lot of sleep, spend time with friends who you feel comfortable being around and don't feel guilty. Even a heterosexual individual who was not interested in another romantically or sexually would be getting a bit peeved by now. The issue has less to do with your orientation and more their lack of respect that no means no and that they should back off. :/ 

 

I'm sorry that you are in this position. I have been there before and it sucks. 

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I understand where you're coming from with this especially since he's been persistent with it. There's nothing more frustrating than having to turn someone down more than once.

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I think being angry about it is normal... 

I had to turn down a person from college twice. The first time I said I was busy, the second time he asked, I was scared and annoyed, even though he is a really nice guy and maybe considered cute to some ppl. 

Luckily he got it and told me to not worry. 

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On 3/17/2018 at 6:06 PM, Robin Mok said:

I think being angry about it is normal... 

I had to turn down a person from college twice. The first time I said I was busy, the second time he asked, I was scarred and annoyed, even though he is a really nice guy and maybe considered cute to some ppl. 

Luckily he got it and told me to not worry. 

This is why you have to be very clear when you turn someone down that you have no interest in them.  He probably thought that it was just bad timing, and you meant for him to ask again later.  When you said no the second time, he caught the clue, and decided to back off, which was nice of him.

 

My point is that if you turn someone down because of some temporary reason (like being busy that night or whatever), they will ask again, hoping to find a night you aren't busy.  If you just say that you aren't interested, and leave no wiggle room, they usually give up.  Lesson being:  Don't give them hope if there is no actual hope.  You see it all the time in the medical field, where false hope actually harms patients, which is why doctors should be very straight with their patients.

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On the occasion that it does happen, I find it annoying as well. Simply put, it's just another thing to stress about. There's a nice person whom you've just met and already you have to really worry about not hurting their feelings when that's basically all you can do.

Furthermore, it's something that has ruined several friendships for me, so I always get annoyed because I know the friendship will probably end.

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  • 1 month later...
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On 2/23/2018 at 8:42 PM, MissMidnight said:

For me I get annoyed when people tell me theyve fallen for me or love me when they dont know me, because its like what exactly do you "love" about me when you dont even know me?

Just my opinion: I don't think they're in love with you, they're experiencing lust.

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MiraMeyneth

Oof, reading this thread hit me really hard.

 

Yeah, I get that angry feeling too. Unfortunately this kind of lingering resentment takes a while to overcome. It's even impacted how I interact with other people, i'm just so paranoid that something I say or do is going to make somebody develop attraction to me, and then I lack the inborn ability to reciprocate because I was never programmed with that kind of ability.

 

Ultimately if he crawls back again, I'd just finally say I'm aromantic/ace, and no matter how hard he tried, nothing would change that. If he has the audacity to keep going then blocking him out is the only way.

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